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Cause and Consequence

Today is the Day

How do you know that you know yourself? How would you know that after being in love with a man for 15
years, you would finally admit that you could also fall in love with a woman?   Do you find that out when
you're 18?  24?  32?

Some people say that they've always known they were "different" since they were toddlers.    I knew I was
different at 6 years old.   That's  when I realized that I was performing while I pretended to enjoy
playing with my toy clothes iron and ironing board because I heard the adults praising me.  They even
took my picture,  and it's in my album so I have that day on record.

But just because I knew I was pretending didn't exactly that mean I would grow up disliking all the
girly stuff - tea sets, dolls, and  lots of ribbons.  Except that I did.   Like I refused to attend a
children's costume party dressed like a cowgirl, when I knew that my brother was going as David Crockett. 
Or when no one could force me to walk on stage during a fund-raising children's fashion show because I hated
people smiling at me and saying I looked cute and sweet.  I guess I really disliked being called sweet,
or cute.   But what I really found so unfair was one Christmas, in my tenth year,  when my brother got a
shiny, brand new bicycle.   All I had to show was an imported doll-sized porcelain tea set.   What could I
do with that?  So I cried all day on my 10th Christmas Day.   When, as a teenager, I would have to be nice to
boys that visited my home and come a-courting,  I never really knew what to tell them, or do with them.

But did all these even hint that I was in the end going to fall in love with a woman?   I mean, I
married at 18, totally swept away by a man, against the wishes of all my family.

I suppose all this takes courage - and a lot of shamelessness -- to not lie.   To not pretend that I
enjoyed being and doing all the things that girls and young women were expected to enjoy and be.   To not
pretend that, after 15 years of marriage, that man I married was making me more miserable by the day.   And
later, to not pretend that I was categorically heterosexual, when I was in love with a woman.

I suppose that being somebody else, or playing somebody else, can be easier for many women.  How does
one dare to fight centuries of tradition and superstition?   How can one mere woman think she can
turn the tide against homophobia just by daring to declare on television that she isn't "straight"?  
Maybe one woman cannot.   But many individual women, proud to be who they are, and daring to dash the
unreasonable expectations of others, can make a big difference.   It's time we got together.   If you are
proud to be gay, today is the day to admit it.   It won't be easy.  But at least there's no more lying, no
more pretending.  Today is the day to come out, and be free.

There is this question that inevitably pops up at the beginning of radio and television interviews I�ve given over the past eight years on the subject lesbianism.  It�s �The Cause� question, meaning �What causes lesbianism?�  Other variations would be �When did you first know you were lesbian?� or  �Is one a lesbian by nature or by nurture?� and  �Did anyone influence you into becoming lesbian?�   One pathetic version is �What do lesbians look like?�

I�ve always had difficulty answering, though, because it is so tempting to respond with �When do straight people know they�re heterosexual?�  I do wonder why people want to determine �The Cause�.   Do they want to find out if there is an �early warning device� so that people could �correct� it at the soonest opportunity?  Or maybe invent a vaccine or mutate a gene so that scientists could �cure it�, the way they�ve been working on cancer, arthritis or HIV/AIDS.
Zap �it� out of existence and forget lesbians were ever here.

You see, prejudice has to have something to pre-judge, and if you don�t see the signs, you�re never sure if the person sitting next to you is someone you need to hate.  Take women, for instance.  Society has laid out an all-encompassing and sophisticated system on how to treat females, from birth to death.  Baby girls wear pink, are sweet and pretty.  (Baby boys wear blue, are strong and �malikot� or mischievous.)

People usually know exactly how to treat others just by looking.  It�s easy to feel and say things about someone if you can see what she is, or rather what you think she is.  Being female, or dark-skinned or non-mestizo is a fact most of us cannot hide, and no one usually has to ask what �caused� a person to �turn female� or what �influenced� her to �become dark-skinned.�  Those who were not born with the favored gender or race or ethnic ancestry must cope with the subtle and overt manifestations of prejudice.

But one�s physical appearance does not usually give any sign of one�s sexual orientation.  Some zany researchers, however, have recently come up with indications, such as the comparative length of one�s fingers.  Why anyone would spend money and time on this particular topic is baffling.   Will anyone who is �found out� to be lesbian or gay be sent to a cosmetic surgeon so that her or his fingers can be adjusted to the right length?
 
So, then, what do people do with a person who is �found out� to be lesbian or gay?  What did some people do with the Jews?  Or the Africans?  What did Filipinos used to do to Chinese immigrants?

Do most people have a ready set of assumptions, feelings, words and reactions to inflict on lesbians?  What is the �proper way� to treat a lesbian?

Should one recommend, for instance, to disbar a lesbian lawyer and confiscate her license?  Should a principal fire a lesbian teacher from college?  Should you demand the resignation of a lesbian bank manager?   Should a very capable candidate for a cabinet position be shamed before the commission on appointments if she is �found out� to be lesbian?

Bu in our democratic society, with a constitution that guarantees the equality of all citizens, should sexual orientation make a difference?  Unfortunately, it does.

How many young girls �outed� by classmates have been expelled from private schools?  How many teenage lesbians have been sent to psychiatrists, drugged and straight-jacketed for �conversion� to �normalcy�?  How many adult lesbians have been forced into marriage by their own families?  How many lesbian workers have lost their jobs because they had a girlfriend?  Should anyone wonder, then, why most lesbians and bisexual women � perhaps 10% of all women � would rather live in secrecy and misery?  In the darkness of their invisible cages, they can at least be quietly free.

So, keep them in the closets, make them ashamed of their bodies, diagnose them as paranoid and borderline psychotic, punish them with guilt and terrorize them with eternal damnation, but don�t let them out.   Don�t ever let them show their faces in public.  Never let them challenge the way all women should be.  Never give them a voice or a choice about what they can be.  Never acknowledge their potential power.
 
I wonder what this world would be like if all women could follow their hearts and take responsibility for their own lives and loves.   Maybe what interviewers should start asking is:  what kind of change would lesbians cause in our society if they decided to come out by the hundreds?

Listen.  Have you ever heard the songs of Pride?

Anna Leah Sarabia
11 June 2000

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