jokes

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Autoblonde

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

MEN...

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three-one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticke for me having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn!
My car was parked around the corner. I just tried to have a little fun!