Clone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
George: Here ya go!
John: In the words of Mike Love & Carl Wilson; �Do it again! Do it again! We like it, we like it!�
Brian: Who?
Paul: Beach Boys, Brian.
Brian: What boys? Wot?
Ringo: Shut up! They�re straight, unlike some people in my present company who look an awful lot like me & are whining a lot more than I did when my finger happened to be disconnected from my body!
Clone: You bastards! Why did you even make me?!! Now I have to live in his shadow! & my finger bloody hurts!
(The Clone & Ringo pounce onto each other & they stumble around trying to strangle each other. They break apart as they begin to black out, then Ringo shoves the Clone against a lab table covered in beakers & test tubes & such, then the Clone grabs Ringo�s lapels, lifting him & throwing him onto the table, smashing all its contents.)
M. S: Oh dear!
(The Clone then straddles Ringo & starts violently punching him in the face. Ringo grabs the nearest thing to him-an alarm clock-& bashes the clone over the head with it. His eyes roll back in his head as does a drop of blood roll down from the small gash on his hairline, & he falls down behind the table, out of sight of everyone else, taking along with him Ringo. The Clone regains consciousness & Ringo & him begin to brawl doggedly.)
Brian: Uh oh! Not good�which one�s which?
George: They both look the same!
John: Well they are genetically identical.
Paul: I think I�ll play a bad joke now.
(One of the Ringos [for the sake of sanity we�ll call this one Ringo 1] goes flying out from behind the counter, & is then pounced on by the other Ringo [Ringo 2] & they keep punching, clawing, biting & all that other violent Fight Club stuff.)
Paul: Go Ringo! Yeah kick his ass! Whooo! Ringo, Ringo, Ringo�
(All of the non-fighting, non-chanting peoples start looking from one Ringo to the other, confused as fuck as to either�s identity.)
M. S: Who gets the finger?
Brian: Stop fighting-
John: No, I�m just beginning to enjoy watching Ringo kick his own ass! I don�t even have to do anything & he gets hurt.
Paul: Yeah, how great is that? Now we have 2 people to make fun of!
George: Um�yeah, & they�re short!
Brian: Well if they both kill each other we lose two drummers!
John: Aw ish, Brian, you always ruin our fun.
(They manage to break apart the bleeding Ringos, but George trips over the alarm clock & sets it off.)
John: I hate alarm clocks! Go to hell you bastard!
(John kicks it a couple times but nothing happens.)
Paul: Now to be somewhat intelligent I�ll just push the �off� button. You know, to bring about some dignity to this group.
M. S: Thank you. Maybe I shouldn�t sleep in here anymore. Oh well.
John: I do say Doc, don�t you have any more tests for us?
M. S: Yes I do, my dear boy, I happen to have a few.
Paul: Do they involve maybe death or physical injury?
M. S: Er, not all of them, but-
Brian: Fine! We�re desperate! Anything!
M. S: Okay then, right to the point. I�d like to test the reactions of a fearful being becoming exempt of his security items.
George: Big words! Scary! I need jellybeans!
Paul: Well look, by the obvious hint the writers just gave you I guess you can figure out which one of us will be perfect for it.
M. S: Oh, then grab George for me & follow me. & I expect you Ringos to be civil to each other, you hear me?
Ringo 1: Yes mum.
Ringo 2: Hey, you stole my joke!
M. S: Now, now you two, or I�ll have to�um�damn, I�m acting like a mother, aren�t I? Just be civil. I�m sure you can work this all out between yourselves & move on.
George: Where are you taking me? Hey! Wot?!!
John: This is what we want!
(John steals George�s jellybeans as he is carried along to a large metal cage. John chucks the candy at the Ringos.)
Ringo 1: What was that for?
Ringo 2: Yea John, why�d you do that?
John: Shut up Ringo! You know why I did it.
Ringo 2: He was talking to you, ya know.
Ringo 1: No, he was talking to you! Rrrrr! No, I�m not wasting effort on you!
(The Ringos stomp off pouting & hating eachother.)
M. S: Now put him in the cage & I will ready the dog.
George: What? What are you-
(The cage door slams shut in George�s face, a trapdoor on one side of the cage opens & a huge, vicious dog springs out at George, who leaps to the far end of the cage just in time. The dog�s chain restrains him just enough so that he cannot touch the shivering George, but if the guitarist moved, he would surely be bitten.)
George: NOOO! Help me! Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god�
M. S: Does he normally react like that? The �oh gods�?
John: Yes. What does it mean, though?
M. S: I have no idea at all.
Paul: Do you think there�s any difference, now that he doesn�t have his jellybeans?
M. S: Let�s wait & see.
(An hour or so later, the dog is still barking & snapping rabidly at George, who is still cowering in the corner.)
George: Oh god oh god oh god oh god�
Paul: I don�t think there�s any difference.
John: Yes there is, he�s replicating the jellybean-eating hand motions.
M. S: Ah! Involuntary reactions to a physically disarming attack upon his nervous system.
Brian: Huh? Talk in normal people terms.
M. S: Why? To satisfy your ignorant lack of vocabulary?
Brian: Shut up, I�m gay & Jewish, not stupid.
M. S: Well I think we get the point.