ALL THAT JAZZ
VELMA
Come on babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And all that Jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz
Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's hot
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And all
That
Jazz
Slick your hair
And wear your buckle shoes
And all that Jazz
I hear that Father Dip
Is gonna blow the blues
And all that Jazz
Hold on, hon
We're gonna bunny hug
I bought some aspirin
Down at United Drug
I case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
To do that-
VELMA AND COMPANY
Jazz
COMPANY
Skidoo!
VELMA
And all that Jazz
COMPANY
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
VELMA
And all that Jazz
COMPANY
Ha! Ha! Ha!
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
ALL
And all that jazz
CASELY(spoken)
Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?
VELMA
(Spoken)No, her husband is not at home.
Find a flask
We're playing fast and loose
ALL
And all that jazz
VELMA
Right up here
Is where I store the juice
ALL
And all that jazz
VELMA
Come on, babe
We're gonna brush the sky
I bet you luck Lindy
Never flew so high
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
to all that Jazz?
COMPANY
Oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake
VELMA
And all that jazz
COMPANY
Oh, she's gonna shimmy 'till her garters break
VELMA
And all that jazz
COMPANY
Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle
If she'd hear her baby's queer
For all that jazz
VELMA COMPANY
And All that jazz Oh, you're gonna see
Come on, babe Your
Why Don't we paint Sheba
The town? Shimmy shake
And all that jazz And all that jazz
I'm gonna Oh
Rouge my knees She's gonna shimmy
And roll my 'Till her garters
Stockings down Break
And all that jazz And all that jazz
Start the car Show her where to
I know a whoopee spot Park her girdle
Where the gin is cold Oh, her mother's blood'd
But the piano's hot Curdle
It's just a noisy hall If she'd hear
Where there's a nightly brawl Her baby's queer
And all that jazz For all that jazz
ROXIE(Spoken)
So that's it, huh Fred?
CASELY(Spoken)
yeah, I'm afraid so, Roxie.
ROXIE(Spoken) GIRLS(Spoken)
Oh, Fred... Oh, Fred...
CASELY(Spoken)
Yeah?
ROXIE(Spoken)
Nobody walks out on me.
CASELY(Spoken)
Sweetheart-
ROXIE(Spoken)
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me,
you son-of-a-bitch!
COMPANY
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
Jazz!
ROXIE(Spoken)
Oh, I gotta pee!
VELMA
No, I'm no one's wife
But, Oh, I love my life
And all that Jazz!
COMPANY
That Jazz!
FUNNY HONEY
ROXIE
Sometime's I'm right
Sometime's I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll String along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
Sometime's I'm down
Sometime's I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He love me so
That sunny honey of mine
He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
Lord knows, he ain't got the smarts
Oh, but look at that soul
I tell you, the whole
Is a whole lot greater than
The sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why, he'd be right there
Taking the blame
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey
Hubby of mine
AMOS(Spoken)
A man's got a right to protect his home
and his loved ones, right?
FOGARTY(Spoken)
Of course, he has.
AMOS(Spoken)
Well, I came in from the garage, Officer, and I
see him coming through the window. With my
wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...like an angel...
ROXIE AMOS(Spoken)
He loves me so ...an angel!
That funny honey of mine
AMOS(Spoken)
I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated
her or somethin'...you know what I mean...
viloated?
FOGARTY(Spoken)
I know what you mean...
AMOS(Spoken)
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been.
It's a good thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!
ROXIE
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
FOGARTY(Spoken)
Name of deceased... Fred Casely.
AMOS(Spoken)
Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar?
My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture!
ROXIE
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
AMOS(Spoken)
She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar!
FOGARTY(Spoken)
You mean he was dead when you got home?
AMOS(Spoken)
She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin'
me that cock and bull story abou this burglar, and
I ought to say that I did it 'cause I was sure to get off.
Burglar, huh!
ROXIE AMOS(Spoken)
Now, he shot off his trap And I believed her!
That cheap little tramp. So, she
I can't stand that sap Was two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, she can just
Swing for all I care.
Look at him go Boy, I'm down at the garage,
Rattin' on me Working my butt off fourteen
With just one more brain Hours a day and she's up mucnhin'
What a half-wit he'd be on god-damn bon bons and jazzing.
This time she pushed me too far.
If they string me up That little chiseler.
I'll know who Boy, what I sap I was!
Brought the twine
That scummy, crummy
Dummy hubby of mine!
CELL BLOCK TANGO
LIZ
Pop
ANNIE
Six
JUNE
Squish
HUNYAK
Uh uh
VELMA
Cicero
MONA
Lipschitz!
LIZ
Pop
ANNIE
Six
JUNE
Squish
HUNYAK
Uh uh
VELMA
Cicero
MONA
Lipschitz!
LIZ
Pop
ANNIE
Six
JUNE
Squish
HUNYAK
Uh uh
VELMA
Cicero
MONA
Lipschitz!
ALL
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
VELMA
I betcha you would have done the same!
LIZ
Pop
ANNIE
Six
JUNE
Squish
HUNYAK
Uh uh
VELMA
Cicero
MONA
Lipschitz!
LIZ(Spoken) GIRLS
You know how people He had it coming
have these little habits He had it coming
That get you down. Like Bernie. He only had himself to blame
Bernie like to chew gum.
No, not chew. POP. If you'd have been there
Well, I came home this one day If you'd have seen it
And I am really irritated, and I betcha you would
looking for a little sympathy Have done the same!
and there'e Bernie layin' He had it coming
on the couch, drinkin' a beer He had it coming
and chewin'. No, not chewin'. He only had himself to blame
Poppin'. So, I said to him, If you'd have been there
I said, "Bernie, you pop that If you'd have seen it
gum one more time..." I betcha you would
and he did. Have dome the same!
So I took the shotgun off the wall
and I fired two warning shots...
...into his head.
ALL
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would
Have dome the same!
ANNIE(Spoken) GIRLS
I met Ezekiel Young from He had it coming
Salt Lake city about two years ago He had it coming
and he told me he was single He only had himself
and we hit it off right away. To blame
So, we started living together. If you'd have been there
He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd If you'd have seen it
mix him a drink, We'd have dinner. I betcha you would
Well, it was like heaven in Have done the same
two and a half rooms. He had it coming
And then I found out, He had it coming
"Single" he told me? He only had himself
Single, my ass. Not only to blame
was he married If you'd have been there
...oh, no, he had six wives. If yo'd have seen it
One of those Mormons, you know. So that I betcha you would
night, when he came home, I mixed him Have done the same!
his drink as usual.
You know, some guys just can't hold
their arsenic.
LIZ,ANNIE,JUNE,MONA VELMA AND HUNYAK
Hah! He had it coming Pop, six, squish, uh-uh
He had it coming Cicero, Lipschitz
He took a flower
In its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!
JUNE(Spoken) GIRLS
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen Pop,Six,
carvin' up the chicken for dinner, Squish,Uh-uh,
minding my own business, Cicero,Lipschitz
and in storms my husband Wilbur, Pop, Six,
in a jealous rage. Squish,Uh-uh,
"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero,Lipschitz
he says. He was crazy Pop,Six,
and he kept screamin', Squish,Uh-uh,
"you been screwin the milkman." Cicero,Lipschitz
And then he ran into my knife.
He ran into my knife ten times!
ALL
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!
HUNYAK(Spoken)
Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan
vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam
a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg...
JUNE(Spoken)
Yeah, but di you do it?
HUNYAK
UH UH, not guilty!
VELMA GIRLS
My sister, Veronica and He had it coming
I did this double act He had it coming
and my husband, Charlie, He only had
used to travel round with us. Himself to blame.
Now, for the last number in If you'd have been there
our act, we did these 20 acrobatic If you'd have seen it tricks in a row, one,two,three, I betcha
four,five...splits, spread eagles, You would
back flips,flip flops, Have done
one right after the other. The same!
Well, this one night we were in Cicero, He had
the three of us, sittin' up It coming
in a hotel room, boozin' and He had it coming...
havin' a few laughs and
we ran out of ice.
So I went out to get some.
I come back, open the door
and there's Veronica and
Charlie doing Number Seventeen-
the spread eagle.
Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely blacked out.I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later,
when I was washing the blood off my hands
I even knew they were dead.
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
VELMA GIRLS
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They took a flower
All along
In its prime
I didn't do it
And then they used it
But if I'd done it
And they abused it
How could you tell me
It was a murder
That I was wrong? But not a crime!
MONA GIRLS
I loved Alvin Lipschitz He had it coming
more than I can possibly say. He had it coming
He was a real artistic guy... He only had
sensitive... a painter. Himself to blame
But he was troubled. If you'd have been there
He was always trying If you'd have seen it
to find himself. I betcha
He'd go out every night You would
looking for himself Have done
and on the way The same!
he found Ruth,
Gladys,
Rosemary and Irving.
I guess you can say we broke
up because or artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him dead.
ALL
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
LIZ,ANNIE,MONA VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
All along
All along 'Cause if they used us
'Cause if they used us And they abused us
And they abused us
How could you tell us
How could you tell us That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?
VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!
LIZ(Spoken)
You pop that gum one more time!
ANNIE(spoken)
Single my ass.
JUNE(Spoken)
Ten times!
HUNYAK(Spoken)
Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe.
VELMA(Spoken)
Number seventeen-the spread eagle.
MONA(Spoken)
Artistic differences.
ALL
I betcha you would have done the same!
WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA
MATRON
Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen
I love 'em all and all of them love me
Because the system works
The system called reciprocity...
Got a little motto
Always sees me through
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you.
There's a lot of favors
I'm prepared to do
You do one for Mama
She'll do one for you.
They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!
If you want my gravy
Pepper my ragout
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you
When they pass that basket
Folk contribut to
You out in for Mama
She'll put out for you
The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder, Kid
And I'll boost you up yours
Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you
So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!
ALL I CARE ABOUT
GIRLS
We want Billy
Give us Billy
B. I. double L. Y.
We're all his
He's our kind of a guy
And ooh what luck
Cause here he is...
BILLY
Is everybody here?
Is everybody ready?
Hit it!
I don't care about expensive things
Cashmere coats, or diamond rings
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love GIRLS
That's what I'm here for That's what he's here for
I don't care for wearin' silk cravats
Ruby studs, satin spats
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love
All he cares about is love
Give me two
Eyes of blue
Softly saying, "I need you"
Let me see her standin' there
And honest, mister, I'm a millionaire
I don't care for any fine attire
Vanderbilt might admire
No, no, not me
All I care about is love...
All he cares about is love
BILLY
Maybe you think I'm talking about physical love.
Well, I'm not. Not just physical love. There's
other kinds of love. Like love of justice. Love
of legal procedure. Love of lending a hand to
someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow
man. That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about.
And physical love ain't so bad either.
It may be sound odd
But all I care about is love GIRLS
That's what I'm here for That's what he's here for
Honest to God
All I care about is love
All he cares about is love
Show me long Raven hair
Flowin' down, about to there
Let me see
Her runnin' free
Keep your money, that's enough for me
I don't care for drivin' Packard cars
Or smoking Long Buck Cigars
No, no, not me
All I care about is
Doin' the guy in
Who's pickin, on you
Twistin' the wrist
That's turnin' the screw
All I care about is love! All he cares about is love!
A LITTLE BIT OF SUNSHINE
MARY SUNSHINE
When I was a tiny tot
Of maybe two or three
I can still remember what
My mother said to me...
Place rose colored glasses on your nose
And you will see the robins
Not the crows
for in this tense and tangled web
Our weary lives may weave
you're so much better off
if you believe...
That there's a little bit of good
In everyone
In everyone you'll ever know
Yes, there's a little bit of good
In everyone
Though many times, it doesn't show
It only takes the taking time
With one another
For under every mean veneer
Is someone warm and dear
Keep looking...
for that bit of good in everyone
The ones we call bad
Are never all bad
So try to find that little bit of good!
Just a little, little bit of good
Is someone warm and dear
Keep looking...
For that little good in everyone
Although you meet rats
They're not complete rats
So try to find that little bit of good!
WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN
REPORTERS
Where'd you come from?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Mississippi
REPORTERS
And your parents?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Very wealthy.
REPORTERS
Where are they now?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Six feet under.
BILLY
But she was granted one more start
BILLY(as Roxie)
The convent of The Sacred Heart!
REPORTERS
When'd you get here?
BILLY(as Roxie)
1920
REPORTERS
How old were you?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Don't remember
REPORTERS
Then what happened?
BILLY(as Roxie)
I met Amos
And he stole my heart away
Convinced me to elope one day
MARY SUNSHINE(spoken)
A convent girl! A run-away marriage!
oh, it's too terrible. You poor, poor dear.
REPORTERS
Who's Fred Casely?
BILLY(as Roxie)
My ex-boyfriend.
REPORTERS
Why'd you shoot him?
BILLY(as Roxie)
I was leavin'.
REPORTERS
Was her angry?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Like a madman
Still I said, "Fred, move along."
BILLY
She knew that she was doin' wrong.
REPORTERS
Then describe it.
BILLY(as Roxie)
He came toward me.
REPORTERS
With a pistol?
BILLY(as Roxie)
From my bureau.
REPORTERS
Did you fight him?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Like a tiger.
BILLY
He had strength and she had none.
BILLY(as Roxie)
And yet we both reached for the gun
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Oh yes, we both reached for the gun
For the gun.
BILLY AND REPORTERS
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,
Oh yes, they both reached for the gun
for the gun.
BILLY
understandable. understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible. Comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
REPORTERS
How're you feeling?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Very frightened
REPORTERS
Are you sorry?
ROXIE
Are you kidding?
REPORTERS
What's you're statement?
BILLY(as Roxie)
All I'd say is
Though my choo-choo jumped the track
I'd give my life to bring him back
REPORTERS
And?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Stay away from
REPORTERS
What?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Jazz and liquor
REPORTERS
And?
BILLY(as Roxie)
And the men who
REPORTERS
What?
BILLY(as Roxie)
Play for fun
REPORTERS
And what?
BILLY(as Roxie)
That's the thougt that
REPORTERS
Yeah
BILLY(as Roxie)
Came upon me
REPORTERS
When?
BILLY(as Roxie)
When we both reached for the gun!
MARY SUNSHINE
Understandable, understandable
BILLY AND MARY SUNSHINE
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
BILLY(spoken) REPORTERS
Let me Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Hear it! Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun,
The gun
Oh yes, they both reached
For the gun
A little louder! For the Gun.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached
For the gun, the gun,
Now you got it! The gun,the gun
Oh yes. They both reached
For the gun
For the gun.
BILLY AND REPORTERS
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
Oh yes, they both reached for the gun.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun.
BILLY
Both reached for the...gun
REPORTERS
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun
Both reached for the gun.
ROXIE
ROXIE
The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be Roxie
The lady rakin' in the chips
Is gonna be Roxie
I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means somebody eveyone knows
They're gonna recognize my eyes
My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose
From just some dumb mechanic's wife
I'm gonna be Roxie
Who says that murders not an art?
And who in case she doesn't hang
can say she started with a bang?
Foxy Roxie Hart!
ROXIE(spoken)
You wanna know something? I always wanted to be in
Vaudeville. And now that I'm a celebrity, I'm
gonna have me a swell act, too. Yeah, I'll get a boy
to work with- someone who can lift me up, show me off-
Oh hell, I'll get two boys. It'll frame me better.
Think "BIG", Roxie, think "BIG."
I'm gonna get a whole bunch of boys.
The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be
BOYS Roxie
ROXIE
The lady rakin' in the chips is gonna be
BOYS
Roxie. She's gonna be a celebrity
ROXIE
That means somebody everyone knows
BOYS
They're gonna recognize her eyes
Her hair. Her teeth...
ROXIE
...My boobs, my nose
From just some dumb mechanic's wife
I'm gonna be
Sing it!
BOYS
Roxie
ROXIE
Who says that murder's not an art?
BOYS
And who in case she doesn't hang
ROXIE
Can say she started
With a bang?
ROXIE AND BOYS
Foxy Roxie Hart
BOYS
They're gonna wait outside in line
To get to see Roxie
ROXIE
Think of those autographs I'll sign
"Good luck to you, Roxie"
And I'll appear in Lavaliere
That goes all the way down to my waist
BOYS
Here a ring, there a ring
Everywhere a ring a ling
ROXIE
But always in the best of taste
Oooh I'm a star.
BOYS
And the audience loves her.
ROXIE(spoken)
And I love the audience. And the audience loves me
for loving them. And I love them for lving me. And
we jus tlove each other. That's because none of us
got any love in our childhood.
BOYS(spoken)
That's right.
ROXIE(spoken)
And that's show biz, Kid.
BOYS
Oh yeah.
She's giving up here humdrum life
ROXIE
I'm gonna be
BOYS
Roxie.
She made a scandal and a start.
ROXIE
And Sophie Tucker will shit, I know
To see her name get billed below
ALL
Foxy Roxie Hart!
BOYS
Chuh, chuh, chuh, etc...
ROXIE(Spoken)
Those are my boys.
I CAN'T DO IT ALONE
VELMA(to Roxie)
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop
My sister and I were headed straight fo the top
My sister and I earned a thou a week at least
Oh, sure!
But my sistr is now, unfortunately, deceased
Oh, I know it's sad, of course
But a fact is still a fact
And now all that remains
Is the remains
Of a perfect double act!
(spoken)Roxie, do you know you are exactly the same
size as my sister? Oh, you would fit in her wardrobe
perfectly. Look, why don't I just show you some of
the act, huh? Watch this.
(VELMA dances)
Now you have to imagine
this with two people.
It's swell with two people.
First I'd...(drums!)
Then she'd...(saxophone!)
Then we'd...(together!)
But I can't do it alone!
Then she'd...
Then I'd...
Then we'...
But I can't do it alone!
She'd say,"What's your sister like?"
I'd say, "Men,"
Yuk, Yuk, yuk
She'd say, "you're the cat's meow"
Then we'd wow the crowd again
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...
And then those ding-dong daddies started to roar
Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor
Yelling, sreaming, begging for more.
(spoken)And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks up.
you ain't seen nothin' yet!"
(VELMA dances)
But I simply cannot do it alone!
Well? What did ya' think? Come on, you can say.
(ROXIE gives her a raspberry)
O.K., O.K. The first part can always be rewritten.
But the second part was really nifty. Watch this.
Then she'd...(See, get it, right?)
Then I'd...(Then I'd kick really high...)
Then we'd...
But I can't do it alone!
She'd say, "What state's Chicago in?"
I'd say, "ILL!"
Did ya' get that?
She'd say, "Turn your motor off"
I can hear 'em cheerin' still
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...(Sideways!)
And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brown
To cheer the best attraction in town
They nearly tore the balcony down
(sopken)And we'd say. "O.K. fellas, O.K.,
we're goin' home, but here's a few more partin' shots!"
And this... this we did in perfect unison.
(VELMA dances)
Now, you've seen me goin' through it
It may seem there's nothin' to it
But I simply cannot do it
Alone!
(ROXIE turns her down)
Like the deserted bride on her wedding night
All alone and shaking with fright
With her brand new hubby nowhere in sight
I simply cannot do it alone...
