MY OWN BEST FRIEND
ROXIE VELMA
One thing I know
One thing I know
And I've always known
And I've always known
I am my own
I am my own
Best friend Best friend
Baby's alive
Baby's alive
But baby's alone
But baby's alone
And baby's her own
And baby's her own
Best friend Best friend
BOTH
Many's the guy
Who told me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin theirs
ROXIE VELMA
And trusting to luck
And trusting to luck
That's only for fools
Only for fools
I play in a game
I play in a game
Where I make the rules Where I make the rules
BOTH
And rule number one
From here to the end
Is 'I am my own best friend'
Three musketeers
Who never say die
Are standing here this minute
ROXIE VELMA
ME
Me
Myself
Myself
And I!
And I!
BOTH
If life is a school
I'll pass every test
If life is a game
I'll play it the best
'Cause I wont give in
And I'll never bend
And I am my own best friend!
Act II
I KNOW A GIRL
VELMA
Can you imagine?
I mean, can you imagine?
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?
I know a girl
A girl who lands on top
You could put her face
Into a pail of slop
And she'd come up smelling like a rose
How she does it, Heaven knows.
REPORTER(spoken)
Hold on, everybody, she's comin out now.
Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she?
VELMA(spoken)
She is.
DOCTOR(spoken)
She is!
VELMA
I know a girl
A girl with so much luck
She could get run over by a two-ton truck
Then brush herself off and walk away
How she does it, couldn't say.
BILLY(spoken)
So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court?
DOCTOR(spoken)
Oh, yeah.
BILLY(spoken)
Good...you wanna button you fly?
VELMA
Whilst I on the other hand
Put my face in a pail of slop
And I would smell like a pail of slop
I, on the other hand
Get run over by a truck
And I am deader than a duck
I know a girl who tells so many lies
Anything that's true would truly cross her eyes
But what that mouse is selling
The whole world buys
And nobody smells a rat.
ROXIE(spoken)
Oh, please, ladies and gentlemen of the press-
leave the two of us alone so that we can rest.
VELMA(spoken)
The two of us?
Can you imagine?
I mean, can you imagine?
REPORTER(spoken)
Could I have one last picture please?
ROXIE(spoken)
Oh, sure, anything for the press.
VELMA
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?
ROXIE
My dear little baby
VELMA
"My dear little baby."
ROXIE
My sweet little baby
VELMA
"My sweet little..."
ROXIE
Look at my baby and me
ME AND MY BABY
ROXIE
Me and my baby
My baby and me
We're 'bout as happy
As babies can be
What if I find
That I'm caught in a storm?
I don't care
My baby's there
And baby's bound to keep me warm
We're sticking together
And ain't we got fun
So much togther
They count us as one
Tell old man, worry, to go climb a tree
'Cause I've got my baby
My sweet little baby
Look at my baby and me
MARY SUNSHINE(Spoken)
I don't see how you could possibly delay the
trial another second, Mr. Flynn. My readers
wouldn't stand for it. the poor child! to have
her baby born in a jail!
BILLY(Spoken)
I can assure you she'll come to trial at the
earliest possible moment.
And you can quote me on that.
AMOS(Spoken)
Hey, everybody. I'm the father!
I'm the father!
ALL
Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!
ROXIE
Looka my baby
My baby and me
A dream of a duo
Now don't you agree?
Why keep it mum
When there's nothing to hide?
And what I feel
I must reveal
It's more than I can keep insie
Let me assure you
It won't go away
I can assure you
It grows everyday
I was a one once
But now I'm a 'we'
"Cause I've got my baby
My dear little baby
Look at my baby and me
MATRON(Spoken)
I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of
our girls knocked up.
BILLY(Spoken)
I've got it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos
to divorce you. That way all the sympathy will go
to you- not him. You'll be the poor, little deserted
mother-to-be and that crumb is running out on you.
AMOS
That's my kid! That's my kid!
ROXIE AND BOYS
Looka my baby
My baby and me
Facing the world
Optimistically
Nothing can stop us
So nobody try
'Cause baby's rough
And full of stuff
And incidentally, so am I!
Get out of our way, folks
And give us some room
Watch how we bubble
And blossom and bloom
Life was a prison
But we got the key
Me and my baby
My dear little baby
My cute little baby
My sweet little baby
My fat little baby
My soft little baby
My pink little baby
My bald little baby
Looka, my baby and me!
MISTER CELLOPHANE
AMOS
If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his keg
You'd notice him
In someone in the movie show
Yelled "fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him
And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone get noticed now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!
Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him
Suppose you was woman wed
And sleepin' oin a double bed
Beside one man for seven years
You'd notice him
A human bein's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there
(Spoken) Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
WHEN VELMA TAKES THE STAND
VELMA(Spoken)
Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial.
Couldn't I just show you what I thought I
might do on the stand?
BILLY(Spoken)
Go ahead.
VELMA(Spoken)
Good! Hit it!
Well, then, when I got on the stand I
thought I'd take a peek at the jury.
Then I'd cross my legs like this, you know.
QUARTETTE
When Velma takes the stand
VELMA(Spoken)
Then, when Harrison cross examines me,
I thought I'd give 'em this... and then
if he yells at me I thought I'd tremble like this...
"Oooh, no, please stop!"
QUARTETTE
When Velma takes the stand
Look at little Vel
See her give 'em hell
Ain't she doin' gran
She got eatin' out of the palm of her hand!
VELMA(Spoken)
Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much
for me, like real dramatic. Then, I thought
I'd get thirsty and say, "Please, someone, could
I have a glass of water?"
QUARTETTE
When Velma takes the stand
See that kelly girl
Make that jury whirl
When she turns it on
She's gonna get 'em goin'
'Till she's got 'em gone
VELMA
then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't
have a handkerchief- that's when I have to ask for yours!
I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and
try to walk; oh but I'm too weak, and I slump and I slump
and I slump and I slump until finally, I faint!
QUARTETTE
When she rolls her eyes
Watch her take the prize
When Velma takes the stand!
RAZZLE DAZZLE
BAILIFF(Spoken)
Mr. Flynn, his honor is here
BILLY(Spoken)
Thank you. Just a moment.
You ready?
ROXIE(Spoken)
Oh Billy, I'm scared.
BILLY(Spoken)
Roxie, you got nothing to worry about.
It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus.
These trials- the wholeworld- all show business.
But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest!
(Singing)
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they;ll never catch wise!
Give 'em the old
BILLY AND COMPANY
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous
BILLY
Row after row will crow vociferous
BILLY AND COMPANY
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture 'em
BILLY
How can they hear the truth above the roar?
BILLY AND COMPANY
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle
They'll never know you're just a bagel,
BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll beg you for more!
BILLY AND COMPANY
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle 'em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler
Give 'em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble, go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
And you've got a romance
Give 'em the old
Razzle Dazzle
BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act that's unassailable
They'll wait a year 'till you're available!
BILLY AND COMPANY
Give 'em the old
Double whammy
BILLY
Daze and dizzy'em
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are
BILLY AND COMPANY
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot you got no talents?
BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em
COMPANY
Razzle dazzle 'em
BILLY
Razzle dazzle 'em
BILLY AND COMPANY
And they'll make you a star!
CLASS
MATRON(Spoken)
The whole world's gone low-brow. Thing's ain't what
they used to be.
VELMA(Spoken)
They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't it's all gone.
(Singing)
Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now os a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?
MATRON
Class.
Whatever happened to, "Please, may I?"
And, "Yes, thank you?"
And, "How charming?"
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class?
VELMA AND MATRON
Class!
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!
VELMA
Whatever happened to old values?
MATRON
And fine morals?
VELMA
And good breeding?
MATRON
Now, no one even says "oops" when they're
Passing their gas
Whatevcer happened to class?
VELMA
Class
VELMA AND MATRON
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce
MATRON
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
VELMA
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
VELMA AND MATRON
Nobody's got no class!
VELMA
All you ready about today is rape and theft
MATRON
Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?
VELMA AND MATRON
Nobody's got no class!
MATRON
Everybody you watch
VELMA
'S got his brains in his crotch
MATRON
Holy crap
VELMA
Holy crap
MATRON
What a shame
VELMA
What a shame
VELMA AND MATRON
What became of class?
NOWADAYS
ROXIE(Spoken)
...Gone, it's all gone.
(Singing)
It's good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
Nowadays
There's men, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life. everywhere
Joy, everywhere
Nowadyas
You can like the life you're livin'
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around wiht Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it...
ANNOUNCER(Spoken)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Vickers Theatre,
Chicago's finest finest home of famile entertainment,
is proud to announce a first. The first time, anywhere,
there has been an act of this nature. Not only one
little lady but two! You've read about them in the papers
and now here they are- a double header! Chicago's own
killer dillers- those two scintillating sinners-
Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly.
ROXIE AND VELMA
You can like the life you're livin'
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around wiht Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays
ANNOUNCER
Okay, you babes of jazz. Let's pick up the pace.
Let's shake the blues away. Let's make the parties longer.
Let's make the skirts shorter and shorter. Let's make
the music hotter. Let's go to hell in a fast car and
KEEP IT HOT!
