The Self
May 18, 2004

Selfish: Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others

Selfless: Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish; altruistic

Both crimes and both virtues. It is extremely difficult to balance both, especially by one who understands the importance of each. Usually, in trying not to betray one quality or the other, you jeopardize your "self" or end up hurting someone else. Then you are forever known as the quality that you did not represent in that one instant. For instance, in trying to help someone other than myself, I have been called selfless and been criticized for being "walked over", though I knew fully the consequences (both good and bad) for my decision. Then, while trying to better my self and/or not having any aid to give, I will be misunderstood and called selfish. It is the curse of those trying to be just: not the lack of recognition, which is unimportant, but the abundance of criticism.

It takes a toll on your mind, trying to please everyone, including your self. What does God think of this? Am I devoting my life to Him as I should? Will this disappoint my parents? Will I lose their trust? Will I make them proud? How can I help Lauren, Sara, Carrie... through this or that? How can I make them realize their self worth? I must remember that I promised this to them or that I am doing something on Saturday with one of them. Am I hurting Jt or helping him? Would that jeopardize my new relationship with him and his family? Will he leave me over that (and should I do it anyway if it is true to my self)? How do I balance a relationship and independance? If I do that (not necessarily referring to my relationship with Jt), will I keep my integrity, self-respect, self-confidence, dignity...?

Perhaps you now think, "Well just screw it, Laura. Stop thinking about it". Then I will be called selfish for not thinking of others and the outcome of the situation. Society is cruel and two-faced. It supports the hypocrites and laughs at those who attempt justice. However, I cannot leave it since it is not wholly corrupt. There are places within it that hold hope; those few that understand the value of a person. I must work from within the system.

I know that many times I mess up. I will think of myself when I should be focusing on another or perhaps I will try to help someone else when I should be having my own time. I know I forget promises, come home after my curfew, tell "white lies" in a moment of fear that I later regret. I know I forgot to pray last night, and that I did not give enough support to Sara or enough affection to Jt. I also know that sometimes I have too much pride, too much arrogance, and even think that I know all sides of a situation when, in actuality, I do not. I know I screw up, but I also know that I give more than you will ever know. When you do not realize it, I am thinking about you. So please understand that I am trying my best to balance everything.

Maybe you even think that this entry is somewhat arrogant? I do not know anymore. My predictions for people's reactions have been off-base, especially lately. All I know is that this webpage is mine, a gift from me to me, a method of expression, something that helps my self. So if you do not want to accept what I say (which is fine), at least grant me the freedom of my words. And even as I type this, part of me wants to rebel and say that I should not have to explain anything to anyone or ask for the freedom of my webpage. There are too many battles in this world without the addition of another one.

Love,
Lemme