Indifference and Caring
November 29/30, 2003

Indifference: good or bad? Hah no I did not make such a gross error. I have dealt with extremities before and realized there is no line dividing the two, no correct answer to that question. And when I think of having too much or two little indifference, I think of the word "enough". I need to have enough so that everything would not affect me; otherwise I would fall apart. Too little would set me too far apart from the people I love and who love me. Unfortunately, "enough" is the answer for every quality (if this is a quality...) so this is not perhaps very helpful information. Many of you know that lately I have been worrying about certain things. Tonight I realized that that's not usually like me, and that it's stupid. Whatever happens, happens. Tonight indifference reigns again.

I thought of this tonight because I noticed that I seemed to have a lot of indifference, but I didn't care that I did. Then I thought that that in itself was a sign of my indifference, which made me laugh. I wonder how long I've been this way and, even though i'm not sure, it can't be longer than a year. It's interesting how this works. Something happens that makes me very emotional. It upsets me to the point that my heart actually hurts. But by the same time the next day I will be a solid wall. I will stay that way until I "break" again; however, I've noticed that it seems to happen less and less often. Now, I'm used to such things happening or being shared with me so that most pass through me or I feel slightly hollow for a while. Do not worry; this does not mean that I do not care about anything. I do but this is probably to your advantage anyway. You can tell me anything, and I will most likely be unphased by it. And what you tell me I can keep to myself. There are many things that I know, of myself and of other people, that I will "take to the grave". Why? Because I am indifferent to fame, gossip, ridicule. If I am interested in personal recognition, it would be for what I have written to you now-- my own thoughts and ideas-- than from something a person has told me. Gossip? No, I don't care about rumors that can't be proven, and even if it is proven, I shouldn't be one to place myself in someone's life-- unless they call for me or if I might be of service. And ridicule is only the insecure person's way to get attention. I'm not insecure or after attention. So why tell anyone a secret? What is my motive? I have none. And I tell these things to you as I would my hair color; they are traits of me.

So why do I wish to say all of this? Because I think sometimes that I am mis-interpreted. And I want people to know who I am (it also helps me realize who I am and reinforce it). It is nice to have my own mysteries and my own secrets but I want to be honest and up-front with everyone I know. For instance, I think sometimes people get the impression that I am very caring. I like helping and I want to help but sometimes I just don't care what happens to me. That, in turn, is perceived as caring. For instance, this weekend my grandmother (who just had surgery) asked my grandfather for a glass of water to be brought to her. He is old and was comfortably sitting in his chair. He also has to wait on her in and out when I'm not there. Even though I was comfortable I got up to get her the water instead. It wasn't so much for my grandfather or grandmother that I did it but for the fact that I didn't care that I would be moved. I didn't care that I was comfortable and I knew that he would have to wait on her while I was gone, upsetting his comfort much more than me. And I know he loves sitting in his chair, but I didn't care if I was comfortable or not. So is that caring? I'm not sure. I think it's more of a subconscious battle with myself. There is no point in being not comfortable if I have the resources. But if someone isn't comfortable then I give them whatever I can because I hold comfort as a lesser importance. Then I have a battle with myself over my "pain" and it's interesting how you can block out cold, wet, etc... if you try. This battle always makes me smile. I discovered this Winter Retreat 2001 (I think) when we were in the ice rain running relays that involved sticking our hands in buckets of rice mixed with mayonnaise. Good times.

However, I find this whole indifference thing slightly contradictory as well. I have, since finding out what an egoist was, thought myself to be somewhat of one. The way I understand an egoist to be is someone who loves his life dearly. It is not the same as an egotist or someone that is ego-centric. They put themselves above others. Egoists, I think, just love the life they are given. If I find that that's the wrong definition then I will make a word for it, for someone who highly values one's self. Anyway, I love my life, and it would take a lot for me to give it up. So if I love my life so much why do I not care about my personal comfort? I have some ideas but this entry has become lengthy, and I want to add the "Ode to the Man at the Galleria Starbucks". Let me know if you have any ideas.

Ode to the man at the Galleria Starbucks: Lauren and I were ordering drinks but she was ordering/paying for mine because we had split lunch, which I had paid for. She already knew what I wanted and was last to figure out what she wanted. She ordered hers first and then stumbled on my drink's name which caused her to laugh and look sidewise at me but only briefly. The man got the cup for my drink and looked at me and asked for my name. I was confused because Lauren had ordered, but I told him; he then put Lauren's name on her cup. I asked him how he knew that that drink was mine. He said that people always order their drink first, then their friends. Plus, she looked sidewise at me when ordering my drink indicating that it wasn't hers. That was very clever of him. It's amazing what actions and expressions give away. Thank you Starbucks man.

Love,
Lemme