Searching
May 3,2003

I am searching for a certain person (I don't think I'll find more than one at this point in my life). The person that I can talk to and think, "Yes, he knows". Or with a glance see the recognition in his eyes. It is not wholly the understanding of situations and circumstances that I'm looking for. I know many people that have proven to be wise in such areas. They understand the why, the how, but not the solution or if they realize the solution, they don't see it in relation to their lives. The solution depends on the way a person views life. I will tell you how I view it:

Life is mine. I will not let someone else, especially one who doesn't understand how wonderful life is, dictate how I will live mine. If you were an electrician would you let a plumber tell you how to do your job? No, of course not. Then why let Society, that doesn't understand the value of a person and the value of a life, tell you how to run yours? God gives life to me; He is the one that I obey. I am searching for someone who lives their own life.

I have a quote from The Fountainhead pertaining to what I said above:
"We have the Palmers for dinner tomorrow night," she said.
"Oh, Christ!" he moaned. "They're such awful bores! Why do we have to have them?"
"We have to have the Palmers," she said, "so that we can get the commission for their new store building. We have to get that commission so that we can entertain the Eddingtons for dinner on Saturday. The Eddingtons have no commissions to give, but they're in the Social Register. The Palmers bore you and the Eddingtons snub you. But you have to flatter people whom you despise in order to impress other people who despise you."
"Why do you have to say things like that?"
"Would you like to look at this calender Peter?"
"Well, that's what everybody does. That's what everybody lives for."
"Yes, Peter. Almost everybody."

Life is magnificent. It's amazing that we can see and touch. I just all of a sudden get these flashes where I'm shocked that I can see and touch. I look at my hands in amazed admiration knowing what they have done and can do. Many times I'll just sit and feel myself breathing, like a person who barely escaped death and can't believe they're alive. I feel this most of the time and this alone makes me want to live. I am searching for someone who knows how wonderful the world is and the privelege they have to live it.

You are worthy of life. I do not understand people who want to commit suicide or hate their lives. I do not understand the people who complain about their lives incessantly. I feel no pity for them. I'm not talking about the people with serious concerns and need a helpful ear to listen. I will gladly (and thankfully) listen, and many people have returned the favor for me, for which I'm truly gratefuly. However, many times I've tried to comfort a friend and have said, "But you're wonderful" only to be rebuked and told, "You can't say that. You don't know. I've failed". No no you have suceeded. I know you are wonderful; I can see it. "I've failed" is not a phrase I will include in my vocabulary and don't want to hear it in yours. As humble as we try to be, you must have some amount of egoism to be a person, especially a strong person. You must have it to be confident and to live your life as yourself. I have some egoism, perhaps more than most people. I can not say "I can't fail" without it. I cannot type this and attempt to persuade you to believe me my way of thinking if I didn't believe what I was saying was right. I see too many people without any and too many people with too much. Some people can't find the good in themselves and can't find any reason why they should be loved. Others must be the center of attention, must always be right, and must always have everything. It is difficult to have the right amount of egoism. To avoid having too much: remember that you live because of God and it is your job to follow Him. I am searching for the person who knows their worth, and it shows through him.

Do not worry about life. There are those who struggle through life. What do I wear? What do I say? I didn't do as well as I should have. There is too much worry. It is so nice not to worry, and I see so many that do. I'm not saying you should be devoid of concern. Concern keeps you cautious and a good friend. But too much and about things out of your control weighs you down. I know. I can tell you that because many times I've worried about things I could not help. "What's wrong with the world?" I would scream in anger, until I would feel sick. Sick of the people that don't care to understand. Sick at the loss of individuality. I've come to accept the fact that people are like that and will always be. We can't change it. Perhaps we can make a difference, but it will start small. Some people worry about their bodies or their social engagements. I wouldn't waste my time on that. I have too many things to enjoy to spend my time worrying about my body. My motto about my hair is, "I can't see it. I'm sorry for the people that have to." Take comfort in the fact that more days will come, each with a new start, new chance, and a new opportunity. I am searching for someone who knows where to place his concern.

This is kind of random. It should go into control, but I'm not sure if anyone would look back at the entry. To a good friend: Yes, I understand. I have felt that many times and spilled many tears over it. I have seen the cruelty of man just as you have. I have become both murderously angry and sickeningly upset. I'm both glad and sorry that you feel this way. I'm glad because it shows that you have a conscience but sorry that you have to feel such pain. But you are losing by showing this emotion. If someone insults you, what do you think they want? They want a reaction, either make you angry or make you upset. You have shown both, and so they have won. What if you don't show any emotion? What if you laugh at them? It will still hurt, but hopefully, the hurt from these people will come less hard and eventually less often. Right now they know they can hurt you and will do it again. If they think they can't why bother? They will just be proven wrong. The insult will be turned against them. While you don't have to shut off all your emotions, try not to let them see it. The best would be if you could not let it bother you, but I know that's difficult to do. They aren't worth your tears. I love you.

Love,
Lemme