| Q) Why does the river mersey run through Liverpool? A) If it walked it would get mugged. Q. Why should you never run over a Liverpool supporter when they are on a bike? A. It's probably your bike. Steve McLaren was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!" Q: What is the difference between Leicester and a triangle? A: A triangle has three points. David James is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of Upton Park and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him. Someone asked me the other day, what time do Bradford kick off? About every ten minutes I replied. Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him. A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet. Q: What do you get when you offer a Sunderland fan a penny for his thoughts? A: Change! A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.... By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."....... The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done......... The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again........ The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."........ "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks. "Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back." Alex Ferguson At The Pearly Gates (You've got to admit it's a good start) After Alex Ferguson dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour of heaven. He shows Alex a little two-bedroom house with a faded Man United banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Alex. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says, "so count yourself lucky." Alex looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-storey mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Irish tricolor flags line both sides of the long drive and a huge yellow, blue and white striped banner hangs between the marble columns, and a Leeds United scarf clearly visible in the window of one of the upstairs bedrooms in the west wing. "Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. How come I get this scutty little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and David O'Leary gets a big bloody mansion with fancy Leeds banners and flags flying all over the place?" God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not David's house," God says. "That's mine." Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. |
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