"You have to tell them, Lance," they said to me. And I knew. But I couldn't. I knew what would happen if I did.
*The key to my survival
was never in much doubt
the question was how I could keep sane
trying to find a way out*
"They'll be fine. They love you. They're you're parents, they'll love you no matter what," he told me. "My parents are okay with this, with me, with us."
"But that's different," I responded. "You don't understand my parents. They've always told me how wrong this is. How they could never understand why anyone would be like that. What will they think when I tell them? I've wanted to for so long, but I'm afraid." I wanted to hide. We were in the driveway now, Mom and Dad were waiting. Watching.
*Things were never easy for me
peace of mind was hard to find
and I needed a place where I could hide
somewhere I could call mine*
"Don't be afraid," he soothed. "I'll always love you, no matter what your parents say. Always and forever, we'll always be together. Always."
"I love you," I said to him.
"I love you too."
I stopped. "But what if they reject me?"
"Then I'll still be here, sweetie. But they're your parents. You're their son. They love you. But no matter what, I'll always love you. And the other guys will still love you."
I sighed and slowly went inside, blowing him a kiss as he sat in the car.
*I didn't think much about it
til it started happening all the time
soon I was living with the fear everyday
of what might happen at night*
Fear settled over me as I stepped into the house. The house of my family. I shouldn't be afraid, they were right. My parents love me. Right?
I should be this scared. Something's going to happen, I can feel it. "Mom, Dad?" I called. "I have to tell you something."
"What's wrong, Lance?" she asked, fear in her eyes.
I was trembling. "I...I'm...I'm gay," I said finally.
There was silence. Then all I could hear was the sounds of sobbing.
I made my mother cry. I searched my father's eyes, searching for acceptance. But I would not find acceptance there. "Get out," he said, in a voice so cold, it chilled my soul. "Get out of my house. We don't need your kind here."
So I grabbed my coat, and left the house, swearing never to return. If they couldn't accept me for who I am, what good is going home?
*I couldn't stand to hear the
crying of my mother
and I remember when
I swore that, that would be the
last they'd see of me
and I never went home again*
I shut the door behind me, oblivious to the tears streaming silently down my face. I saw the troubled look in my lover's eyes. His beautiful eyes.
"What's wrong, baby?" he asked, the minute I got in the car. "What happened?"
I couldn't say a word. All I could do was sob and cry. I shook my head.
"I'm so sorry," he said to me, holding me in his arms. "I'm so, so sorry..."
"Do you still love me?" I managed to choke out.
"Of course I still love you. I always have. I always will."
"I can't go back," I cried. "I won't."
"I won't make you," he said, but I could hear the sadness in his voice.
"I'm sorry," I said to him. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," he told me, tightening his embrace.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Lance. I love you too."
*They say time is a healer
and now my wounds are not the same
I rang the bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he'd say*
It's been a year now. We're famous in Europe. I had to go back. I had to see if they'd changed. I looked into my lover's eyes. I saw support and love radiating out of them. I knew that whatever happened, I would still have him.
I rang the doorbell, waiting for them to answer. Hoping they would answer. My father answered. To my surprise, he let me in.
With one glance back, I saw him wave. It made me smile and gave me strength.
"You're back," he said.
"I know."
"Why?"
"I had to see. Do you still love me?"
"You shouldn't have left."
*He sat me down to talk to me
he looked me straight in the eyes*
"What do you mean?" We sat down. "Why are you like this, Lance? Why?"
"It's just the way I am. If you can't accept it, I have people who will. I'm in love, Dad, and I'd appreciate your support."
"Who is it?"
"Josh," I whispered.
"JC made you like this? HE MADE MY SON A GOD DAMNED FAGGOT?"
The angry words cut through my soul like a knife. They hurt worse than anything ever will. "No, Dad, I am the way I am."
"Don't call me dad."
"What?" I was lost. Please, no, don't let this be what---
"You're not my son. My children aren't faggots. You're no son of mine."
*he said:
You're no son, no son of mine
You're no son, no son of mine
You walked out, you left us behind
and you're no son, no son of mine*
I was wrong. This hurt worse than anything ever will. I staggered back like I'd been dealt a physical blow. No. I searched his eyes for any sign of love. Of acceptance.
All I saw was hate.
"Out."
I ran. I ran out of my parent's house and into Josh's arms. "They hate me," I sobbed. "They hate me."
"I love you," he soothed quietly. "I love you and I always will."
*Oh, his words how they hurt me, I'll never forget it
and as the time, it went by, I lived to regret it*
The words kept repeating themselves over and over in my head. "You're no son of mine."
"Shh," Josh soothed. "You're okay. You'll be okay."
"I came back for him," I sobbed. "I came back for him."
*You're no son, no son of mine
but where should I go,
and what should I do
you're no son, no son of mine
but I came here for help, I came here for you*
"You'll always have me." It's been another two years. I still can't forget it. I was in the hospital for a time. They didn't visit. We went through a big lawsuit that almost tore the group apart. I still had Josh. But I still heard his words in my head.
*Well the years they passed slowly
I thought about him everyday
what would I do, if we passed on the street
would I keep running away*
"You can't live in the past, Lance," Justin would say.
But I couldn't help it, I told him so.
"You'll always have us," he said to me. "Me, Joey, Chris, JC, we'll always be there for you."
"I miss my parents."
"I know."
"Can't you try again?" Joey suggested one day.
"No. Never."
*In and out of hiding places
soon I'd have to face the facts
we'd have to sit down and talk it over
and that would mean going back*
"Please try again," Josh would say, voicing the thoughts in my own head. "Please try, for me. Two years, maybe it's changed."
"I'll try," I told him. "I'll try for you."
"You're so brave, baby," he said. "I love you."
"I love you too."
*They say time is a healer
and now my wounds are not the same
I rang the bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he'd say*
I slowly walked up the path my feet once knew so well. My parent's house. I rang the doorbell and waited. Hoped. He answered.
"Please, talk to me," I begged. "You left."
"You kicked me out! You never called."
"You didn't either."
"Do you hate me?"
*He sat me down to talk to me
he looked me straight in the eyes*
"Sit down Lance." This can't be good. "Where's Mom?"
"Diane doesn't want to see you. You're a sinner. We don't want to be damned to hell like you are."
Diane?
"You walked away, Lance. You left us."
"I didn't have a choice, you don't understand."
"You don't understand. Maybe once, we could've talked. But now, no. We can't. We've thought it over. We can't pay for your sins."
"It isn't a sin! It's the way I am! Why would I go to hell for loving someone as much as I love Josh? He's my life! Loving isn't a sin!"
"Then live with him."
No...not again...
"You're no son of mine."
*he said:
You're no son, no son of mine
You're no son, no son of mine
You walked out, you left us behind
and you're no son, no son of mine*
"Josh!" I cried. I ran into his embrace.
"What happened?" He clutched me tight.
"I can't go back. I'm not going back this time," I said. "I'm going to move on. With you. I love you so much, Josh. I love you more than anything."
The expression on his face was the happiest I've ever seen. It made all of my pain worthwhile. Every last bit.
"I love you too, Lance," he said, tears of joy streaming down his face as he clutched me tighter. "I love you too."
