"Chris, Chris," Justin said. "You annoying fuck. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Chris said, continuing to kick at Justin from the couch. Justin was sitting on the floor in front of him, playing Playstation, and had been moving forward to no avail.

"Stop kicking me, all right? It's really fucking annoying."

Chris snorted. "Love you too, brother." He kicked Justin in the back of the head.

Justin moved over. "Pain in the ass."

Chris stuck his foot in Justin's ear. "Bite me," he said.

"That can be arranged."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Congratulations," he said, "you make that one up yourself?"

"It's about as good as 'bite me,'" Justin retorted. "Go find something to do. Sign some of that stuff management sent over."

"I signed all that already," he said. "Nice try, though."

"Sign mine, then," Justin said, hitting Chris on the shin.

"Yeah, it'll look real cool for 'Chris Kirkpatrick' to be written all over a bunch of pictures of you." Chris stopped and stood up. "Wait a minute, that's not a bad idea."

"Chris," Justin said. "Chris, I was joking."

"Too late," Chris said. "Johnny'll love this, I bet."

Justin sighed. "You're hopeless."

"Thanks," Chris said, returning with the pictures and different color markers. "Maybe I should put hearts around your head."

Justin rolled his eyes. "Why not," he said, "they're already gonna have to throw those away."

"No, I'll give 'em out. It'll be funny," Chris said, writing "Justin loves Chris" on the arm in one of the pictures and "Chris is a sexy bitch" on the other arm.

"Man," Justin said, "what is it with you and screwing around with things of mine? First there were the marionettes--"

"You could consider it a compliment," Chris pointed out, giving another Justin picture horns and a mustache.

"Could," Justin said, "but don't."

Chris grinned. "Then that's your problem, isn't it?" he asked.

Justin rolled his eyes again. "You really are annoying, do you realize this?"

"Of course," Chris said. "That's my job."

"Why don't you go bother Lance?"

Chris looked around comically. "In case you haven't noticed, you bimbo, he's not on this bus. Or I would."

"Did you just call me a bimbo?"

"I may have," Chris said, looking at his nails. "I'm not sure, though, my memory hasn't been so great lately--"

"That's what happens when you're an old fart," Justin said. "First the memory, then the bowels..."

"Yeah, yeah," Chris said. "Haven't heard that one before." He opened another marker with his teeth, keeping the cap in his mouth.

"So, anyway," Justin said. "Speaking of Lance."

"What about him?" Chris asked, blackening teeth on another picture.

"I know you, Chris. You never mentioned anything about Lance beforehand. If you'd had any intention of doing anything, you would've babbled about it for at least two weeks before."

"So?" Chris asked. He spit the cap at Justin, who made a face and threw it back at him.

"So I'm trying to figure you out," Justin said.

"Ha," Chris said, slowly making the smiling Justin in another picture frown. "Did you have a point?"

"Actually," Justin said, "I do. I don't believe you."

Chris' eyes widened. "You what?"

"I think there's a motive for you in this relationship you've got going. It just doesn't make any sense."

Chris made the frown in the picture bigger. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said.

Justin rolled his eyes. "I think you do," he said.

Chris slowly started blackening Justin's entire face. "Psycho."

"You're an idiot, you know that?"

"So I've heard," Chris said. The entire forehead was blackened.

"Lance really likes you."

"Heard that too."

"You should tell him."

"Tell him what?" Chris thought maybe someone should put make up on Justin's face so he looked the way he did in the picture. All black. Except for one cheek.

"That you're not into it the way he is."

Chris dropped the marker and left a dark line on the arm in the picture. He made a matching one on the other arm before looking up. "What?"

"You heard me," Justin said. "I'm not stupid. I'm also not deaf. I've heard JC chewing you out about the whole thing. I kind of agree with him."

"You don't know the story."

"Trust me," Justin said, laughing shortly. "I heard the entire story. In pieces, yes, but JC is very thorough."

Chris shrugged in agreement. "So why are you sticking your head in it now?"

"Because I think you need to do something about it."

"And I agree with him."

Chris sighed loudly. Of course JC would wake up. "This really isn't fair of you guys," he said. "It's two on one. An unfair--"

"I think you should think about what you're doing to Lance and then come and talk to me about being fair," JC spat out at him.

Chris sighed again. "If you assholes would just get off my back about the whole fucking thing, then maybe--"

"You wouldn't do anything at all," JC said. "Chris. You're my brother. You know I love you. But this isn't right, this game you're playing."

"Fuck," Chris said, "it's not like I don't have feelings for him, okay? It's just that I don't love him the way he says he loves me. Don't presume to know how I feel. It isn't all a game."

"We know how you felt before you started the whole relationship," Justin said. "We just want you to tell him the whole story now. But you have to tell him."

Chris made a big red X over the Justin in the picture and threw it at him. "Fuck off, both of you," he said, and went to his bunk.

*~*~*~*~*

"Hey," Lance said, sitting down next to him at the table. They were sharing the bus for the night again, and Chris, again, had gotten more meaningful looks from the other three. "You okay? You've been quiet lately."

"Yeah," Chris said, "I've just been thinking."

Lance laughed. "That's dangerous," he said.

Chris grinned at him. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said. "Like that's a new one. I'll have you know that I happen to be a very smart individual."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lance echoed, "when you're not causing trouble. But, of course, that's just you being you."

Chris felt his smile fading. "Yeah," he said.

"There you go again," Lance said, "I know something's bothering you. Talk to me."

"I can't," Chris said.

Lance's face fell. "I wish you would trust me," he said.

"I do trust you," Chris said. "With my life. With more than my life. I swear, Lance. It's just. I can't figure out what to say just yet. But, um. As soon as I figure out how to say it, I'll talk to you about it. Okay?"

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Lance smiled again, and Chris smiled himself just seeing it. Lance was too adorable, sometimes. "Okay," Lance said, kissing him quickly before getting up and moving to the kitchen. "You hungry?" he asked.

"Sure," Chris said, forcing another smile on his face. "Whatcha got?"

*~*~*~*~*

Hours later, Chris was staring at Lance as the credits to the movie they'd been watching rolled. Lance was sleeping, his head on Chris' thigh. Chris had draped a blanket over his sleeping form. Unconsciously, he rubbed the younger man's back and thought about the mess he'd managed to get himself in. He knew it was wrong, what he'd been doing. Lance didn't deserve to be with someone who'd just been looking to pass the time on a boring tour. Especially when Chris had pretended to actually like Lance.

"I like him now," Chris said to himself, not realizing he'd spoken out loud. "Maybe more. God, I am an idiot."

"S'my boyfriend you're insulting," Lance mumbled sleepily.

Chris had to smile. "Go back to sleep," he said.

"Mm," Lance said, "you too."

"Not tired just yet," Chris said.

"Kay," Lance said. "Soon?"

"Yeah, baby," Chris said. "Soon." He paused. "Did I just call you baby?"

"Yeah," Lance said, snuffling into Chris' leg. "Don't mind."

Chris smiled again. This was just too cute. "Go to sleep," he said.

"Kay," Lance said. "Night."

"Night," Chris said. When Lance settled back down into sleep again, Chris sighed. "I'm such an idiot," he said. After he was sure Lance was asleep, he sighed again. "I love you," he said softly, and shook his head. "I am such an idiot," he repeated.

*~*~*~*~*

"You're taking this too far," Joey said, shoving him against a wall a week later. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What's your problem?" Chris asked, kicking at Joey's shin. "Let me go, you fucking oaf."

"Lance told me today that you said you loved him."

"Because I do!"

"I don't believe you," Joey said. "You honestly think I'm going to fall for that again?" He pushed Chris again. "You fucker."

"Ow, you jackass," Chris said. "I'm serious this time. I'm in love with him, okay?"

"I don't believe you," Joey said again. "I can't believe you would do this to him. Tell him what you're doing or I will. I swear to God, Chris."

"Fuck," Chris said, finally getting Joey's arms off his shoulders. "Leave me the fuck alone, all right? I'll tell him. Christ."

"I didn't realize you were such an asshole," Joey said. "This isn't a fucking game. It's Lance."

"I'm not, okay?" Chris said. "Not like before. Yes, I was an asshole before, but I'm seriously in love with him. This isn't just a fucking joke to me."

"I don't believe you," Joey repeated. "This is going to kill him, and I swear I'm going to kill you as soon as I know he'll be okay."

"I'm not as horrible as you think I am," Chris said.

"Yeah," Joey snorted. "Right."

*~*~*~*~*

"Last day of the tour," Chris said, "finally." He sighed in front of Lance's door. "God, don't let me screw this up." He knocked.

Lance opened the door after a moment, looking both furious and like he'd been crying.

Chris winced. This wasn't a good sign. "I need to talk to you," he said.

"Fuck you," Lance said. "Fuck. You."

"Lance--"

"No," Lance said. "Don't say anything. They told me everything. You fucking asshole."

"Lance. It's not what you think. Let me--"

"Go to hell," Lance said. "I don't want to hear it."

"Lance, please, you have to believe me. Let me--"

"No," Lance said.

"Lance--"

He slammed the door.

"Shit," Chris said, sinking down to the floor. "Shit."

*~*~*~*~*

Chris wasn't too sure how he'd gotten through the show. He stumbled through the whole thing, hoping the fans wouldn't notice the fact that the four other guys pretty much couldn't stand him. That night, he packed his bag and flew home earlier than the rest of them, finally getting back home sometime before dawn.

The next day, he woke up at noon and went to Lance's house, ignoring the storm that had opened up the minute he walked out the door. The fact that it was pouring made it seem like a bad movie.

After ten minutes of ringing the doorbell, Lance finally opened the door. "I have nothing to say to you," he said.

"Just let me talk, then," Chris said. "Please. I need to explain."

"You have thirty seconds," Lance said. "Use them wisely."

"That's not fair," Chris said. "Please--"

"Twenty-five," Lance said.

"Fuck," Chris said. He was serious. "Look," he said, "it started out different then it ended. Maybe I wasn't serious at first, but I wasn't fucking around when I told you I loved you. I was serious. I love you."

"I don't believe you," Lance said, "and time's up." He started to shut the door.

Chris stuck his foot in the door, much like a bad movie. He figured it went with the pouring rain. It hurt a lot more than it looked in the movies. "Please," he said. "You have to believe me."

"I don't," Lance said. "I trusted you. I never thought you would do something like this."

"Lance," Chris said. "At first, I admit it, it was just me being an asshole. But. I love you."

Lance shook his head. "No," he said. "You broke my heart. I'm not going to let you play your stupid games and do it again."

Chris stuck his foot in the door again when Lance tried to shut it. "I love you," Chris said.

"Fuck you," Lance said, and this time Chris let him slam the door shut.

For the next half hour, Chris sat in the driveway, letting the rain fall on him. "Fuck," he said.

*~*~*~*~*

When he finally got back to his house, he drank himself stupid and didn't wake up until he felt someone kicking him.

"You look like absolute shit," JC said.

Chris groaned. "Thanks so much," he said. He glanced around and furrowed his brow. He appeared to have passed out in the foyer. Odd.

"Joey called," he said. "He told me you went over to Lance's yesterday."

"Was it yesterday already?" Chris asked. "It's all kind of fuzzy."

"Huh," JC said. "Didn't work out too well, did it?"

"Screw you," Chris said.

"Hey, I'd be nice if I were you," JC said, "I'm the only one that's shown up."

"Hm," Chris said, "what are you doing here, anyway?"

JC shrugged. "We wanted to make sure you were still alive. I drew the short straw."

"Glad you care."

"I cared enough to actually come, didn't I?" JC asked.

"Don't do me any favors," Chris said. "I'm the asshole here, remember?"

"Yeah," JC said, "you are. But you're still my friend."

"Hmm," Chris said. He sneezed.

JC helped him up off the floor. "Got a cold?"

"I sat outside in the rain yesterday," Chris said, "it wouldn't surprise me."

"That wasn't the smartest thing to do," JC said, amused.

"I've done a few stupid things in the last couple months," Chris said, "I wouldn't call that one the worst."

"No," JC agreed, "me neither."

"If you're trying to make me feel better you're doing a shitty job of it."

"I'm not trying to make feel better," JC said, "rest assured. I'm just making sure you're not dead."

Chris sneezed again and wiped his nose on JC's shirt. "Thanks again," he said.

JC made a face and moved away. "You're disgusting."

"So I've heard," Chris said. "You've done your job. I'm alive. You can leave me alone if you want to. I need another drink."

"No," JC said, "I think you've had enough to drink."

"You're not my mommy," Chris said. "You can't tell me what to do."

"I could call her, if you like," JC said.

"Please don't," Chris said, "I don't need her hating me too."

"She wouldn't hate you," JC said. "And we don't hate you. We just--"

"Felt like you needed to ruin my life. Okay."

"We didn't ruin your life."

"Lance hates me now," Chris said. "I don't think you understand what it feels like when you say 'I love you' and the object of your affection says 'fuck you.'"

"I'd have said it too," JC said, "if you'd done that to me. And Lance doesn't hate you. He still loves you. That's the problem."

"I wish you'd given me the chance to say something," Chris said miserably, sneezing again. "I was just about to, but apparently y'all had your little intervention right before I got there."

JC frowned. "You were really gonna tell him?"

"Yes," Chris said, "Jesus. I was going to tell him. I was going to tell him everything, but then he wouldn't even listen." His eye started burning and he rubbed at it, annoyed. "And now he'll never listen to me."

"Wait a second," JC said. "You mean to tell me that--"

"Tell you what," Chris said angrily, "that I'm really in love with him? Yeah. I am. All right? I told you before. I love him. But that doesn't matter anymore."

"If this is still a joke--" JC began warily.

"Fuck, C," Chris said, "have I ever taken a fucking joke this far?" JC shook his head and Chris continued. "I've always said that I'd never seriously hurt someone with these stupid fucking jokes. So, no, JC. This isn't a still a joke." He spat out the last word. "I was going to tell him the whole thing and hope that I could get him to believe me. Hope that maybe if I was the one to tell him, he'd believe me. But you guys took care of that, didn't you?" He laughed bitterly. "Great joke, huh? I finally fall in love with him, and now I've lost him. Great fucking joke."

"Oh, Chris," JC said.

Chris shook his head. "I just want to be alone, okay? I don't deserve anything right now."

"Don't make this about you," JC said, his voice low. "You got attention. Isn't that what you're about?"

Chris shook his head. "Not this time," he said. "And I know this isn't about me. I just." He shook his head again. "Don't waste your time on me," he said. "Go find Lance."

"Okay," JC said. "But you're coming with me."

*~*~*~*~*

"JC, I really don't feel like talking--" Lance cut himself off when he saw Chris staring at the ground behind JC. "I don't really feel like seeing him, either. What is this, JC?"

JC put a hand on Lance's shoulder. "Tell you what," he said, "I'm going to go help myself to your fridge. Chris needs to talk to you. Listen to him. I think the little fuck actually has something important to say. And tell him to stop wiping his snot all over me, while you're at it."

"You're so supportive, C," Chris called out after him. He sneezed.

"So," Lance said. "Talk."

"Um," Chris said. "This is kind of. sudden."

"Isn't being spontaneous something you're good at?" Lance wasn't making this easy.

Chris sighed. "I wouldn't take it this far if I didn't mean it, Lance," he said. "I know I was an asshole. I still am an asshole. I don't know. I didn't know how you felt when it all started, okay? It was just supposed to be something fun. I didn't know."

Lance exhaled slowly. "You're pretty stupid," he said.

"I know," Chris said. He sneezed again.

"Maybe you shouldn't have sat out in the rain for a half hour yesterday," Lance said.

"Maybe not," Chris said. "It seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time." He paused, wiping his nose on his sleeve, and kept going. "I was thinking, and. I thought that this was the stupidest thing I'd ever done. And in some ways, yeah, it is. But...you know. It brought me you, for a couple months. This sounds like a fucking card, but I'm serious. I just. I wouldn't trade these past few months for anything. I didn't." He picked at his nails. "I didn't know. I never meant to hurt you like this, Lance. I don't expect you to forgive me because I don't know if I can forgive myself. I never meant for this to happen."

"Neither did I," Lance said, swallowing slowly. "I need more time to think about this."

"I understand," Chris said, looking down. His chest ached. "I just. I'm sorry."

Lance laughed shortly. "Yeah." He turned around. "JC! We're done."

Chris touched him briefly on the shoulder. "I love you," he said, his stomach knotting. "I do."

Lance turned to go back inside. "Then prove it," he said.

*~*~*~*~*

"I think he's ruined you."

Chris grunted at whoever was talking to him. He'd managed to pass out in his foyer again. Also odd. "What?"

"Lance. You were really serious about him, huh?" A foot touched his side.

Chris looked up and rubbed his eyes. The figure slowly became clear. "Justin. Your turn?"

Justin shook his head. "Nah. JC called me," he said. "Told me the story. You look like shit."

"Funny. JC said the same thing."

"Maybe you should stop drinking yourself into a coma."

"Mm," Chris grunted. "Maybe not. I could also stop sitting in the rain, but where would the fun in that be? So why'd JC call you? I thought was still pissed at me."

"He feels bad," Justin said. "He thought you and Lance were really cute, even though he'd never admit it because he thought you were being an asshole about the whole thing. I do have agree, you know."

"About what, that we were cute?"

"Nah. Just that you're an asshole."

Chris sighed. "Figured that. I was hoping..." he stopped. "Never mind." He wiped his nose and thought fucking rain.

Justin shrugged. "You asked."

"Yeah," Chris said.

"Joey's coming over later."

"Great."

"Don't sound so excited."

"It's hard to be excited when I fear for my safety," Chris told him.

"Yeah," Justin said, nodding. "That could be a problem."

Chris sighed. "What do you want? I don't feel very well and I'd kind of like to wallow in my misery."

"You want Lance back, right?"

Chris shrugged. "Well, yeah. So?"

Justin grinned. "Lance said you had to prove you loved him. So I have a plan."

"Why do you want to help me now?" Chris asked.

"Because you're my annoying brother, man. It's my duty to help clean up your messes. And I feel kinda bad that we told Lance on you before you could. And besides, you and Lance were kinda cute, you know?"

Chris sighed. "So what's your plan?"

*~*~*~*~*

Joey took one look at him and punched him in the eye.

"I deserved that," said Chris.

"Yeah," Joey said conversationally, "you did."

Chris poked at the area under his eye. Maybe it would leave a cool bruise. Some sort of weird battle wound or something. He figured it would be a good story for a daytime talk show. I screwed up so my boyfriend's best friend beat the shit out of me. He smiled a little.

"What's so funny?"

"I crack myself up," Chris said. Joey raised an eyebrow and he shook his head. "Nevermind. So what are you doing here? JC drew the short straw. Justin wanted to clean up my mess. You wanted to punch me in the face, and you've done so, but you're still here."

"You have a hard face," Joey told him.

"Thanks," Chris said. "So?"

"Well," Joey said, "the thing is, even with all the shitty things you did, Lance still loves you. He's still pretty torn up over the whole thing. I think you need to fix it. Or I can give you a matching shiner for the other eye."

"No thanks," Chris said. "One's enough. Justin had a plan. He tell you?"

"Yeah."

"So what's your verdict?"

"I think," Joey said, "that if you let me come with you so you don't screw it up, it might just work, Lance'll be happy, and I won't have to punch you again."

"Ah," Chris said, "a solution that makes everyone happy."

*~*~*~*~*

"So there you go," Joey said. "You are set. Go make Lance happy."

Chris sighed, staring at Lance's house from behind Joey's windshield. "It's raining again. It was raining last time."

"You know," JC said from the backseat, his tone helpful. "Whenever Shakespeare wrote tragic scenes, it was thundering and storming and stuff."

"Wow, C," Chris said, "you really know how to fill a guy with confidence, don't you?"

"I try," JC said.

"So what are you waiting for?" Justin asked. "Go do your thing."

"Yeah, yeah," Chris said, "I'm going." He opened the door.

"Hey, Chris," Joey said. Chris poked his head back in the car. "Hurt him like this again and you'll have a lot more to worry about than your eye."

Chris swallowed. "Thanks, Joe," he said. "Love you too."

Joey winked. "Just doin' my job," he said.

Chris looked at him. "You're a good daddy," he said, and walked up the driveway.

Lance opened the door before he even got there. "I see you brought the posse," he said.

"I didn't bring them," Chris said, "they brought me. They gave me a pep talk. Sort of." He winced and glanced back to see Justin giving him a thumbs up sign. He turned around, rolling his eyes and waving them away. "I have something to say," he said after he heard the car leave.

"Yeah?" Lance said. "Say it."

"I'm going to tell you this," Chris said, "I'm going to tell you this and I'm going to pretend I'm not standing in the fucking rain -- again -- like this is some sort of dramatic Lifetime movie."

"I don't think our situation would ever be played out on Lifetime, Chris," Lance said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Chris asked. "This is very--"

"We're gay men, Chris," Lance said, leaning across the door. "In the middle of a big gay fight. Somehow I don't think that equates to women's entertainment. And it's not exactly a story about real women."

Chris considered that. "Some women like this sort of thing," he said, wiping his face on his jacket. Not that it helped, he told himself, being that his jacket was soaked.

Lance rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to argue this with you."

"You started it," Chris muttered, wiping his face again.

Lance sighed. "What did you want?" he asked, his voice still quiet. "Wait a second, what the hell happened to your face?"

"Um," Chris winced. "Joey happened."

"So I guess he talked to you," Lance said.

"You could call it talking, yes," Chris said. "I guess that's one word for it."

Lance almost smiled, but held it in and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why are you here?"

"I wanted--" Chris stopped and pushed back his rain soaked hair. Instead of speaking, he leaned forward and caught Lance's lips in his own. "That," he said after a moment. "I wanted to tell you that."

"That doesn't say much," Lance said, but his face wasn't as stony.

"Um, well," Chris said. He turned around and lifted up his shirt. He shivered a little when Lance traced the marking on his lower back with cool fingers. "I wanted to say that, too. You said I needed to prove it. So I did. Tried to. And."

"You got a tattoo," Lance said slowly.

"Yeah," Chris said softly. Lance touched it again, and Chris winced a little. "Careful," he said, "still new. You read it?"

"'I heart Lance,'" Lance read out loud. "It's very cheesy," he said. "Not you at all."

"Yeah," Chris said with a shrug, turning around and fixing his shirt. "I, um. pulled out all the stops, you know. You see how the heart is an actual heart? Like, you know."

"Chris," Lance said softly, smiling a little. "You're babbling. What are you saying?"

"It says that maybe I think you're hot, or something," Chris said. "For real, this time. And also that I didn't come over here because I was bored. That this isn't like. You know. Just a game. And maybe I have a bad way of showing it, you know, that I, um, think you're hot, because I suck in about a billion different ways, and--"

"Oh," Lance said, "I didn't realize there were that many ways to suck."

"--that I think I could. Wait. What?"

Lance grinned. "Come inside before you get pneumonia. That's not something I want on my conscience."

"Oh, so--" Chris let himself be pulled inside. "So you're not going to kick my ass out in the rain."

"Again? No," Lance said.

"So," Chris said, "I can sleep over?"

"It'll be a regular slumber party," Lance said.

Chris smiled and kissed Lance again before following him down the hallway. "Hey," he said. Lance turned. "I love you."

Lance smiled softly. "I know," he said. "I love you too. Now shut up and kiss me again, and then change your clothes. You're dripping all over my carpet."

Chris shook his head so water flew everywhere, and laughed when Lance hit him on the back of the head. "Or I could stay naked," Chris said, grinning.

"Yeah," Lance agreed, "or that."

Email me