*~*~*~*~*
Lance called the next morning while Joey was in the shower. He�d been carrying his phone around with him just in case Lance called. He could never decide if amused him or saddened him that just hearing Lance's voice made him smile, even after everything.
Joey hadn�t heard the phone ring at first, so he wasn�t sure how many rings there had been before he realized it and poked his head out of the shower, listening for the ringing again. He stepped out of the shower on what he figured was the third -- maybe fourth? -- ring, and slid across the floor, banging his knee into the counter top. �Shit,� he said, holding his knee with one hand and reaching for the phone as it rang again shrilly with the other. �Hey, Lance?� he asked.
�Yeah, it�s me,� Lance said. His voice was quiet and Joey had a feeling it wasn�t just the distance. �What took you so long?�
�I was in the shower,� Joey said with a grimace, glancing at his water-covered floor and reaching for a towel. He slipped again, banging his other knee on a cabinet. �Fuck,� he said.
�Having trouble, there, Joe?� There was a hint of a smile in Lance�s voice, and Joey grinned. Pain was a small sacrifice if Lance was smiling.
�I think I�m flooding my bathroom,� Joey said, dropping a couple towels on the floor and spreading them out with his feet.
�You got out of the shower without a towel, didn�t you,� Lance said.
�I would never,� Joey said, grinning broadly.
Joey could practically see Lance shaking his head. �Hey, Joey,� Lance said slyly. �Does that mean you�re nekkid?�
Joey glanced down at himself and laughed. �Yeah, man,� he said, �all for you.�
�Perv,� Lance said, but Joey could still hear him smiling. �Cover up.�
Joey wrapped the towel he�d been using to dry off around his waist obediently. �There,� he said. �Better, Highness? I thought you�d be happy to hear that I was naked.�
Lance snorted on the other line. �Yeah,� he said. �Whoo, sexy.�
�Don�t sound so enthusiastic,� Joey said.
�Well, you know,� Lance said, �it�s not like it�s a unique sight. I could talk to any number of women -- maybe even men, for that matter -- out there who�ve seen the same thing.�
�So snarky, Bassman,� Joey said. "You wound me.� He grabbed another towel and rubbed his head with it.
�Yeah, yeah,� Lance said. �Whatever. So, anyway. Um. About--�
And Joey cursed his luck because at that moment, he slipped on another water spot and fell on the floor with a crash, dropping the phone. �Fuck,� he said, louder than he�d meant, looking at his knee. �Fucking klutz.� He glanced at the phone, hearing Lance chattering worriedly on the other line, his voice distant.
�Joey? What happened? Are you all right? Joey?�
�Hey, sorry,� Joey said, cutting Lance off. �Slipped again.�
�You all right?� Lance asked.
�Yeah, I�m fine,� Joey said. �Fuck,� he said.
�Yeah,� Lance said, �that sounds like someone who�s fine.�
�No, seriously,� Joey insisted, �I�m fine. I just...banged my knee a little. Twisted it a bit, or something. It�s fine.�
�Joey,� Lance warned.
�I�ll ice it,� Joey said. �I promise. It�s fine.�
�You have a show tonight.�
�I know,� Joey said. �It�ll be cool. Don�t worry. I�m just a klutz.�
�As long as you�re sure,� Lance said hesitantly.
�Yeah, I�m sure, don�t worry,� Joey assured him. �Now, what were you saying?�
�Oh,� Lance said. �Um, I was just gonna say, um. Good luck. On the show. And, um. You have TRL today, right? Good luck with that, too.�
�Not so fast,� Joey said. �I don�t believe a word you�re saying. What�s going on with you? What�s the news? You told me last night you�d found out.�
�Um,� Lance said. �I, um. I better let you go.�
�I don�t think so,� Joey said. �Come on, tell me. What�s going on?�
�Um,� Lance said. �Well. I�m not sure, really.�
�Lance,� Joey said, �you have never been able to lie to me.�
Lance sighed. �Really, Joe,� he said. �I�ll call you tonight. After your show. Okay? I don�t want you thinking about it the whole time.�
�You realize, though, what I�m thinking now, right? Because you won�t tell me. And you sound like shit.�
�So positive,� Lance sighed. �I know. But I�ll tell you for sure later. They�re supposed to talk some more today, okay? I�ll call you after your show.�
�Okay,� Joey finally agreed, �but, you know. After 11, my time. No more of this 9:30 shit. You know the shows never end that early. And I won�t believe that you don�t know the time difference by now, you jerk.�
Lance laughed a little. �All right, all right,� he said. �I�ll talk to you later.�
�After 11,� Joey reminded him.
�Yeah, yeah,� Lance said. �After 11.�
He hung up, and Joey sighed, glancing down at the knee that was already swelling a little. �Fuck you,� he said to it, and went to find ice.
*~*~*~*~*
�Yeah,� Joey said on TRL, �I�m still waiting for him to call me back.�
He figured it was close enough to the truth.
*~*~*~*~*
Lance didn�t call until after midnight that night. �Hey,� he said. �How�s your knee?�
�Hey,� Joey replied, �it�s okay. A little sore, but I danced all right. Why so late, man?�
�I, um,� Lance said. �I wasn�t gonna call you,� he admitted. �But I promised I would, so.�
�Yeah, be glad you did,� Joey teased. �So what�s up? Why weren�t you gonna call me?�
�I didn�t,� Lance started. �I. How was the show?�
�None of that,� Joey said gently, stretching out on his bed. �Come on.�
�I, um. They said. Um.� Lance paused and Joey could hear him take a deep breath. �Um.�
�Hey, it�s all right,� Joey said soothingly. �Come on. What�d they say?�
He could practically hear Lance swallowing. �I...they won�t...�
Joey braced himself for the news.
�They said I...that I don�t have...� he stopped again. �I can�t go,� he said softly.
Joey felt his heart sink. He kind of expected it, but hearing it was another thing. �Oh, Lance,� he said. "I'm--"
�Joey,� Lance said helplessly.
Joey wished he could jump on a plane to Moscow. �Lance,� he said again, trying to come up with something to say. �I�m sorry,� he finally said.
�It�s my dream,� Lance said. His voice sounded choked.
Joey heard the unspoken words. And they shattered it. �I�m sorry,� he said again. �I�m so sorry.�
�It�s not even the Russians, really,� he said. �The sponsors, and--� he stopped.
�I�m...� Joey paused. �I wish I knew what to say,� he said. �There�s no chance they�re gonna let you?�
�Um,� Lance said. He sniffled a little and Joey�s heart dropped a little further down. He hated it when Lance cried. �No,� he said, �because they kicked me out of training. Like. At this point, with the already cramped schedule...even missing a day or two would make it impossible for me to go. And. I�ve already missed close to a week. I can�t. There�s no way.�
�God,� Joey said softly.
�I just...The media is gonna kill me over this,� Lance said. �They really didn�t want me to go, Joey. They...you saw the press conference.�
�Yeah,� Joey said, a little flatly. �I did.� It had been all he could do not to smash his computer screen. He didn�t tell Lance that, though. �You handled �em great, though,� he said, �I�m sure you can do it again. I know you can.�
Lance sighed. �I wanted this so badly, Joey,� he said.
�I know,� Joey said. �Lance--�
�I�m gonna go,� Lance said abruptly. �I should...let you sleep.�
�Lance, no. I don�t need--�
�No, it�s okay,� Lance said. �I�ll, um. Call you tomorrow, okay?�
�Lance, come on,� Joey said. �Don�t shut me out.�
�No, it�s okay,� Lance repeated.
�Lance, please,� Joey said. �Talk to me.�
�Night, Joey. Good luck tomorrow.�
�Lance,� Joey pleaded, but all he heard was a soft click as Lance hung up.
Joey felt his heart break for him.
*~*~*~*~*
"Joey, my man," Chris said, calling him a few days later. "Have you heard from the Basstronaut?"
"Um," Joey said, "yeah. He hasn't called you guys?"
"Nope," Chris said. "Come on. I'll see your little show again if you tell us what's going on."
"I'd have told you anyway," Joey said, smiling, "but if you're gonna see the show, go for it."
"Sure," Chris said. Joey could practically hear him shrug. "It's fun seeing your fat ass run around on that little stage, spouting show tunes."
"Excuse me," Joey said, "but this fat ass is on Broadway, and you're hosting Miss Teen USA pageants. What does that say, you crazy little bastard?"
"It says I get paid to hang out with fifty of the hottest girls--"
"Underage girls," Joey pointed out.
"--in America," Chris continued like he hadn't heard Joey, "and I got to hang out with Willa Ford, who isn't--"
"Shut up," Joey said. "I mean, really, Chris. 'Sheer bikini mania?' Is that what you said? Or was it 'madness,' maybe?"
"You're just jealous," Chris said. "Fat ass."
"I could sit on you," Joey offered. "See how you feel about insulting me then."
"All right, all right," Chris said. "Truce."
Joey grunted. "That's what I thought."
"So, anyway," Chris continued. "Lance? Yes? No?"
"No," Joey with a sigh.
Chris answered with a deep sigh of his own. "Fuck. Oh, man. How is he?"
"Not too good, I don't think," Joey said. "I, uh, talked to him Monday night, and he kind of hung up on me at the end. And he hasn't called since."
"Fuck, man," Chris said, "it's Thursday."
"Yes," Joey said, "I'm aware of that."
"Well," Chris asked, "where the hell is he?"
"That's a good question," Joey said, "I'm waiting for him to call me back. He won't answer his phone or anything."
"Ouch," Chris said.
"Yeah," Joey agreed.
"So, um," Chris said, his voice more serious. "How you doing, okay?"
"I'm the one achieving my dream, Chris," Joey reminded him.
"That's not what I meant, Joe," Chris said.
Joey nodded, though Chris couldn't see him. "I know," he said. "It's fine. I just wish he'd talk to me."
"Well," Chris said, "try calling him again, you never know. I think I'll pass on the news to Justin and JC, they're getting worried too, all right?"
"Yeah," Joey said, "okay."
"Get a hold of him, man," Chris said, "even if you have to fly your fat ass out to Russia."
"My fat ass is busy singing show tunes," Joey reminded him with a smile, "but I'll do my best."
"Details, details," Chris said. "Later, Joe."
"Later."
*~*~*~*~*
Joey could never really remember much about the day they'd broken up, just the fact that it had happened. He'd never had that happen before.
It was a couple days after Lance had told them all he was pretty much cleared to go to space. That all he needed to do was pass a few more tests, get the funding, and train his ass off. Really, they were all kind of getting used to the idea, still, and then Lance had knocked on his hotel room door, biting his lip and looking at the floor. Joey had been a little apprehensive; that look wasn't usually a good thing on Lance. It meant he was saying something he didn't want to say.
"Hey, Joe," he'd said softly, "can I come in?"
"Yeah, of course," Joey had replied, smiling and opening the door. "I was just getting ready. What's up?"
"I kinda need to talk to you about something," Lance had told him, "and it's not a very good thing."
The conversation went downhill from there. Joey could only stand there while Lance told him a bunch of reasons why he felt like they had to break up. He remembered wondering if Lance had written them all down to help remember them better.
"Joey, really. It's not that I want to, it's just. It's not fair to you," Lance had said. "I mean. I'm gonna be away, if I get this, and if they let me go, it's just. If I'm training, I'm gonna be in Russia, and I'm not gonna see you at all, or really be able to talk to you too much, and I don't. I just. It's not fair, to you or to me. I'm not gonna be around. I just." His hands had started clenching a little bit, and he bit his lip. "It's still...the feelings are all still there, Joey. I'm pretty sure they always will be. It's just. While I'm gone, I don't know if I can. handle. being away from you that long."
"I don't understand the difference," Joey had said. "I'm gonna miss you the same no matter if we're together or not."
"Joey, please," Lance had whispered, "don't make this harder than it has to be."
And Joey really couldn't do anything more than whisper "okay," and give him one last bone-crushing hug and a goodbye kiss.
*~*~*~*~*
Nothing else had really changed. They stopped sleeping in the same bed, stopped hugging as much, and they definitely didn't kiss anymore.
They were still best friends. The other three had to be told that they'd broken up before they really realized it.
Joey could still feel everything when they hugged, though. Everything that he'd felt in the time they'd been together.
When Lance had left for training, officially, Joey had given him a sticker he'd found that said "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you'll land among the stars." Joey had wondered if it wasn't too cheesy, but Lance had grinned and stuck it on top of his laptop. Since Lance bitched about people putting fingers on top of his laptop, Joey figured it was a pretty good compliment.
He couldn't help but wonder if it was really the best idea, but he left it alone because it was what Lance wanted. But he also couldn't help but wonder if Lance was thinking the same thing.
*~*~*~*~*
Lance called him sometime during the second act of Friday's show. He hadn't left a message, but Joey could see his number in the screen. He sighed.
"Bonehead," he muttered. "Leave a friggin' message, will you?"
His phone rang then, and he dropped it in surprise. He sighed as he bent over to get it. He opened it without saying hello.
"I knew you'd see my number, so I thought I'd call you again anyway. Um. Are you even there?"
"You were supposed to call me before," Joey said. "No one knows what the fuck is going on with you. The fans are trying to figure out where the hell you are, too."
"Yeah?"
"Uh huh," Joey said. "You should see it." He lifted his voice up to a higher pitch. "'Oh, I wonder where Lance could be?' and 'Joey, where's Lance?' and 'Joey, what's going on with Lance?'" he snorted. "As if I know any more than them."
"I'm sorry," Lance said.
"I hope so." Joey wasn't planning on letting him get away with it that easily. "Do you have any idea how worried we've been?"
"Um--"
"No, you don't," Joey interrupted, "because you haven't called. Bonehead."
"Look," Lance said, "I'm sorry. I just. Things got kind of. Hectic."
"Uh huh," Joey said.
"Really," Lance said.
"Oh," Joey said, "I believe you. Mmhmm." Nope. Not letting him get off easy.
"Joey, come on. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promise I'll call you tomorrow."
"Well," Joey stretched out the word.
"I promise. In between shows. If I don't, you have my permission to...um. Well. I don't know, but it doesn't matter, because I'll call you. I will."
Joey sighed. "Fine," he said. So much for that.
"Great," Lance said. "So, anyway. How have things been?"
"Cool," Joey said. "How you doing?"
Lance sighed heavily. "I'm okay," he said.
Joey hummed. "Sure," he said.
"Seriously," Lance said.
"Uh huh," Joey said. "So, now that that's out of the way. How you doing?"
Lance sighed again. "This sucks, Joe."
"I bet," Joey said.
"This was..." Lance paused. "This was a risk, you know? Like. Bigger than the group. And now..."
"I know," Joey said. He did. Lance didn't like to try many new things, because it seemed that when he did, they didn't turn out well. Everyone had hoped this space thing would end differently. Lance hated failing.
*~*~*~*~*
Later, after he'd hung up with Lance, he called Chris. "Hey, Joey, what's up?"
"Quick question," Joey said. "Is it mean spirited of me to hope that the fucking rocket blows up in October, and that's why Lance couldn't do it?"
Chris laughed. "What did you just say?"
"I was thinking," Joey said, "and I just wanted your opinion. Is it mean of me to hope that there's a reason behind the fact that Lance can't go?"
"Um," Chris said, "you want the ship to blow up?"
"Well," Joey said, "yeah, pretty much."
"And you want to know if that's mean of you to think."
"Mmhmm, yeah," Joey said, nodding.
Chris was grinning on the other line. "Nah, man. Go ahead."
"Oh, good," Joey said. "That makes me feel better."
"That all you needed, man?"
"Yeah," Joey said, "pretty much. I was just checking, you know."
"Yeah, sure. I guess that means you talked to Lance."
"Uh huh," Joey said. "Finally. He called. He's supposed to call again like, tomorrow, but you know, in Lance Time that's like, next week."
"If you're lucky," Chris said.
"Yeah, exactly," Joey agreed. "So, hopefully he'll call me soon. Want me to let you know when he does?"
"Yeah, sure," Chris said. "I'll check in with Justin and JC, gotta keep the Mouseketeers updated. Obviously the Bassman is too cool to keep the rest of us posted."
"Aw, you know he's just busy," Joey said.
"Yeah, sure," Chris said, and Joey could practically hear his eyes rolling. "Actually, you know what? Do me a favor, call C for me and let him know? He'll keep me on the phone for like, an hour, and, you know, places to go, people to see. I'll call Justin."
"Uh huh," Joey said, "you got a new video game, didn't you."
Chris paused. "I admit to nothing."
Joey rolled his eyes. "I'll call him," he said. "But you're a jerk."
"I never said I wasn't," Chris said, and Joey could hear his grin.
"Yeah, yeah," Joey said. "Seriously, though, Joey," Chris added, "JC, really, I mean. I'm starting to wonder if he isn't more disappointed than Lance himself."
"I don't think that's really possible," Joey told him.
"Well, really," Chris said. "He's really torn up about the whole thing. It's kind of sad. I'm thinking we'll need to take drastic measures."
Joey snorted. "Last time you said that you toilet papered his house and stole his Jeep."
"I gave it back," Chris protested.
"You also drew obscene chalk drawings all over his driveway--"
"That was art--"
"You also left a note saying 'Beware: Your life has been hijacked by the Evil Demonic Leprechaun That's Not Named Chris.' Somehow--"
"I did not," Chris said.
"--I don't think that JC would appreciate your 'drastic measures' this time around either," Joey said.
"Oh, he didn't mind," Chris said.
"He wouldn't speak to you for three weeks," Joey said flatly.
Chris scoffed. "He was just playin'. He didn't mind."
"He also told me that if you came within three feet of him he was going to cut off your balls."
Chris laughed a little nervously. "He said that?"
"Yep."
"That JC," Chris said, "such a joker."
Joey rolled his eyes. "Leave C to me. I'll call you if I hear anything new."
"All right," Chris said. "Later."
"Yeah," Joey said, and sighed, hanging up.
*~*~*~*~*
"Hey, JC," Joey said to the machine, "it's me. Uh, Chris said--"
"Chris said what?" JC asked, cutting off the machine.
"Oh, hey," Joey said, "where were you?" he asked. "Busy?"
JC laughed. "Nah, man," he said, "potty break. So what's up?"
"The phone was ringing for like, 10 minutes, Jayce."
"It was not!" JC protested. "Shut up. Tell me what he said."
"You told me to shut up," Joey teased. "I don't think I should tell you."
"I bet you talked to Lance," he said. "Did you? He hasn't called any of us yet."
"So I've heard," Joey said, giving in. "Chris was telling me that he was keeping you guys updated."
"Yeah," JC said, "some kind of demented phone chain."
"Hey now," Joey said, "we're the only ones cool enough to pull it off. So Lance calls me, I talk to Chris, then he talks to you guys, right?"
"Yeah," JC said, "it's a bit bizarre. Sometimes I call Justin or Justin calls me. But today, you called. Chris have a new video game?"
Joey laughed. "Yeah," he said. "Or something."
"So," JC said, "any news?"
"Not really," Joey said. "Just, he called me back. Finally. That's about it. He's supposed to call me tomorrow."
"Um," JC said, "Is he. How is he?"
"He's..." Joey exhaled. "He's disappointed. I don't know. I don't know if it's really sunk in yet."
JC sighed. "Poor guy," he said.
"Yeah," Joey said, "in more ways than one."
JC laughed shortly. "Sure," he said. "What a pun. I wish he coulda gone."
"Yeah," Joey said, "me too."
"So, anyway," JC said, "he seems. He seems okay, though? Like, he..."
"He seems like he's okay," Joey said, "but you know Lance."
"Not like you do, Joe," JC said softly.
Joey nodded, though he knew JC couldn't see him. "Yeah," he said.
"So, um," JC said, "when you talk to him again, tell him I said hi, okay? And tell him I hope he comes up with a plan. I don't think it should end like this."
"Yeah, of course," Joey said. He didn't think so either.
*~*~*~*~*
Joey didn't really expect Lance to call on Saturday. Sunday, maybe, but Monday was more likely.
So he was just a little surprised to see Lance standing in his dressing room after Saturday night's performance.
"Um," Lance said, "hey." He glanced at the ground.
Joey froze in the doorway. "Um." He rubbed his eyes. "Lance?"
Lance nodded. "Um, yeah. I, uh."
"Oh my God," Joey said, stepping forward and enveloping Lance in a hug. "It's so good to see you," he said, squeezing Lance. He let go and gave Lance a cursory glance before hugging him again. "God. What are you doing here?" His phone rang from the table and he sighed, shooting Lance an apologetic glance.
"Hey, Fatone," Chris said, "if my timing's right, your show just ended. Yes?"
"Yeah," Joey said. "What's up? Is it important? I'm a little--"
"Not really," Chris said, "just wondering if you'd heard from the Basstronaut yet. Justin's here too, he says hi."
"Um," Joey said, "Hi, Justin." He waited for Chris to shout about how he said 'hi' before continuing. "And, well. He's here."
"What?"
"Well," Joey said, "he's standing right in front of me."
Chris let out a loud whoop and Joey pulled the phone away from his ear with a grimace. Lance grinned sheepishly from where he stood. "Hey!" Chris said. "That's great. HEY, LANCE!" Joey winced.
"Um," Lance said. "Hi."
"He says 'hi,' Chris," Joey said.
"HI LANCE!" Justin's voice shouted.
"Hi," Lance said again.
Joey sighed. "Lance says 'hi' to Justin, too. Now, um. Do you mind?"
"Oh, no," Chris said, "talk to him. I'll just call JC so he--"
Joey clicked the phone shut. "Anyway," he said. "What the hell are you doing here, man? Not that I'm not, like, ecstatic to see you, but, I mean. I didn't expect you to show up."
Lance shrugged as Joey released him. "I came to visit," he said. "I, um. I caught the shows. Both of today's. You're. God, Joe. You're...that...that was incredible." His voice wavered a little. "I'm so proud of you."
Joey smiled. "Hey, thanks," he said. "I was waiting for your opinion on it." He grinned sheepishly. "Thanks," he said, hugging Lance impulsively again. "Seriously. It means a lot, to know that. I know no one thought I'd ever--"
"I knew it," Lance said quietly into Joey's shoulder. "I knew you'd make it here someday. And I'm so glad you have. You...you were born for this, Joe."
Joey could actually feel his cheeks heating. He didn't get embarrassed often. "Thanks," he said again.
Lance nodded. "I mean every word," he said.
"I know," Joey said quietly. "Hey, Lance?" he asked after a moment.
"Hmm?"
"Stay with me tonight," he said. "Even if you booked a hotel or whatever. Stay with me."
Lance nodded again. "Okay," he said softly.
*~*~*~*~*
Once they'd walked in the door, Joey could tell that Lance wasn't in a talking mood anymore. Or a touching mood, really. Once in a while, Lance would start to think about something he didn't like, and would flinch away when someone tried to hug it out of him. Joey knew that the best way to fix that was to let Lance be for a little while.
"You hungry?" Joey asked.
Lance shrugged. "A little," he said. "Whaddya got?"
Joey grinned at him. "What haven't I got?" he asked.
Lance offered a small smile back. "What are you having?" he asked.
Joey shrugged. "Whatever you're having, man. I try not to eat a lot late at night anymore. Makes me kind of sick in the morning."
Lance nodded and made his way over to the cabinets. "I'm really not that hungry," he said.
"My mom brought me some stuff, if you want that," Joey offered. "It's in the fridge." He nodded his head in the direction of the refrigerator.
Lance grinned and changed directions. "Maybe I am a little hungry," he admitted.
Joey smiled.
*~*~*~*~*
After they'd cleaned up, Joey led Lance to the couch. "TV?" he asked.
"Sure," Lance shrugged.
Joey sighed, but knew Lance would talk when he wanted. "Cool," he said, turning it on.
He'd been flipping through the channels for about fifteen minutes when Lance spoke up. "When has Justin ever failed at something?"
Joey glanced over. "What?"
"Really. I'm just curious."
Joey shrugged. "Star Search, I guess."
Lance shook his head. "That doesn't count, because that turned into the best thing that'd ever happened to him."
Joey shrugged again. "Um," he said, "Model Behavior kind of blew. In a funny way. Sort of."
"But that wasn't put in theaters."
"Okay, well, how many people liked it?"
Lance exhaled. "People watched it," he said. "Like, eight of my friends in Mississippi watched it just to make fun of him."
"And you call that success?"
Lance shrugged. "I call it something."
"Okay, then," Joey said, "I guess Justin hasn't really had any horrible failures in the past ten years. So?"
"So that's my point," Lance said. "Nothing's ever like, not worked out for him. If he'd won Star Search, who knows if we'd even be talking to each other right now. The first song he got put on an album wasn't wonderful, but then the next time around everyone was talking about how amazing he was. And now...now it's like. He's got the solo album and the solo song, and it's so great, and everything's perfect, and." He stopped, frustrated. "I just...I'd never tell him this, but sometimes I can't stand him for it."
Joey almost reached out to touch him, but remembered and scratched his head instead. "But he has to deal with things the rest of us don�t," he reminded gently. "The tabloids, the fans, everyone's waiting for him to do something wrong. Where is this coming from, Lance?"
"I just." Lance paused. "Nothing ever...I just want it to be my turn," he said finally. "I mean. Singing is his dream. He's got his album, and believe me, I'm so, so proud of him. He's my brother. I love him. But...this was my dream. Something I've always wanted. And it's just...it's. It doesn't look good, and for once, just this once, I want something to go right."
Joey curled his fingers into the arm of the couch, watching the fabric move under his hand. He waited.
Lance looked away from him. "I wish I'd never gone," he said. "I just. Then I'd still have it. It'd still be alive."
At that moment, Joey hated everyone who'd taken this from Lance. Tentatively, he reached his hand and rested it on Lance's thigh. His leg was shaking. When Lance didn't say anything, Joey moved his other arm from the couch and tugged Lance closer. Lance resisted at first, but finally melted into the embrace. "Lance," Joey said. "Don't say that. It's still alive."
"Not like before," Lance whispered. "I tried so hard, Joey," he said, his words muffled. "I tried so hard."
"I know," Joey said. "I know."
*~*~*~*~*
"I should've gone to Challenge," Lance said later, still curled into Joey's side. "I never should've let them talk me into staying. I wish I'd gone. If I'd known--"
"If we'd known what was going to happen," Joey murmured, "we never would've let you go."
"I let you guys down," Lance whispered. "I let everyone down, all for this stupid dream. This stupid dream that's not going anywhere."
"Don't say that," Joey said, shocked. "It's not stupid. It's yours."
"But I let you all down," Lance said. He moved his head and spoke into Joey's shoulder. "Everything...Everything changed because of this, and now it's not even going to..."
"You didn't let anyone down," Joey said. "We all wanted to see you go. We all wanted it for you."
"You," Lance's choked voice whispered, his head pressed into Joey's shoulder. "I let you down."
Joey frowned, but rubbed Lance's back. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Let me down how?"
"I..." Lance waved a hand around but didn't look up. "I ended this. With you. Us. For this. For...I hurt you. You pretended like I didn't, but I know. I don't know...out of everything, I wish that hadn't happened."
"It's okay," Joey said. "You thought you were doing the right thing."
"I thought wrong," Lance said.
"Well," Joey paused. "Yeah."
Lance let out something that sounded like a laugh. "Joey."
Joey smiled. "Seriously," he said. "Yeah, it sucked, but okay. I understand what you were trying to do."
"It was stupid of me," Lance muttered. "I'm sorry." He lifted his head and Joey moved his fingers to ruffle Lance's hair.
"I know," Joey said. "It's okay."
Lance rested his head on Joey's shoulder. "You know, I heard them talking about me. They thought I couldn't understand them, but I could."
"Yeah?" Joey asked carefully.
Lance nodded. "They were talking about the money. And how they're gonna. Did you know...they're not even going to put someone in my place. "It's. They're gonna." He stopped, and tears leaked out of his eyes. "Cargo," he whispered. "They're replacing me with cargo. I don't. I think that's what. It's one of the worst things they." He stopped again.
Joey tugged Lance into his lap. Lance hated crying. Whenever he did cry, he did it quietly so no one could hear him. He never cried in front of Lou or any of the early label people, back when Lance thought he was ruining the group. The fact that he was crying only emphasized how much they had hurt him. "It's their loss, you know," he said.
"It makes me so ashamed," Lance muttered, turning his head into the crook of Joey's neck. "That's all I am to them. Cargo."
"Lance," Joey shook his head. "Don't say that. You're so much more than that."
Lance shook his head. "Cargo," he said. "You know what else they were saying? They were saying that they'd never thought I'd get this far. They--" his voice faltered and Joey rubbed his back. "Russian is such an angry language," he said quietly.
Joey nodded. "Yeah," he said. "It is."
Lance sat there for a while, his breath hitching every so often. Joey let him think. "So, um," Lance said.
"So," Joey said. "What are you going to do now?"
"What do you mean?" Lance asked.
"Well, you know," Joey said. "You can't let them win, can you? So you can't go in October. Don't those stupid ships leave every couple months?"
"Yeah," Lance said, wiping at his nose. "There's another one in April."
"So shoot for that one," he said.
Lance shrugged. "Maybe," he said.
"Don't let this stop you," Joey said. "We're all rooting for you. All four of us, we have our dreams. Now it's your turn."
Lance smiled a little. "Thanks," he said. "That means a lot to me."
"Just don't go away like you did, again," Joey said. "Don't stop calling me and making me worry like that."
"I won't," Lance said. "I only did it cause...I didn't know how to face you," he admitted. "I didn't know what to say. It was...What I said before. I feel like I've let you all down, with this. That's why...That's why I didn't call the other guys. It was hard enough just telling you."
"It's not you," Joey said. "We know you can do it. If you'd sat on your ass in Russia all this time, then yeah, we would've been a little upset with you. But you worked so hard. We know you did."
Lance started shaking his head but Joey quieted him.
"We're proud of you," Joey told him. "Trust me. If we didn't want you do to this, we would've told you."
"The media is gonna eat this up," Lance said.
Joey shrugged. "Fuck 'em," he said.
Lance laughed a little. "All of them?" he asked. "That'd take a while, I think."
Joey grinned. "Was that a joke?" he asked. "Amazing."
Lance rolled his eyes. "Jerk," he said. "I'm gonna go to the show tomorrow, okay?"
Joey smiled broadly. "That'd be great," he said.
Lance's knees popped as he slowly stood up. "I'm gonna go to sleep."
Joey stood up with him and grinned. "Would it be presumptuous of me to ask you to sleep in my bed?"
Lance smiled back at him before leaning down and kissing him quickly. "No," he said, his face reddening. "Um," he said.
"No," Joey said, "don't worry." He smiled broadly. "I don't mind."
Lance blushed even redder. "I'll be in the other room," he said.
Joey grinned.
*~*~*~*~*
They'd been in bed for a while, but Joey could tell that Lance wasn't asleep yet. "Hey, Lance," he said.
"Hmm?"
"Think about what you're gonna do with the space thing, okay?" he said. "I'm serious. Don't give up. Don't let this be your ending."
Lance sighed and turned onto his back. "I don't know," he said. "I don't...I don't know where to go from here."
Joey shrugged. "Come up with another ending," he said. "Like RENT."
"That's never gonna be out of your brain, is it?" Lance asked, and Joey could hear his grin.
"Yeah, shut up," Joey said. "I'm serious, really. Like the first ending isn't happy, but the second one fixes it. Hence, you know, the two finales. So fix the space thing."
"I don't know how," Lance said.
"You're smart," Joey said. "Otherwise they'd have never let you in. You'll think of something."
Lance sighed. "I hope so."
*~*~*~*~*
The next morning, when Joey woke up, Lance wasn't in the bed with him. Frowning, Joey stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen, where Lance greeted him from the kitchen table.
"Afternoon, sleepyhead," Lance said. "Welcome to the land of the living."
Joey yawned. "What time is it?"
"A little after noon," Lance said. "I made you breakfast." He gestured to the French toast on the table with a grin.
Joey grinned. "Comfort food, eh?"
Lance shrugged. "Well, yeah," he said.
Joey sat down across from him. "Looks good," he said.
"So I thought about what you said," Lance told him. "And I figured out what I want to do."
"Okay," Joey said. "Let's hear it."
"Well," Lance said, "I want to finish my training. I like it there, and I just...I don't like stopping with stuff half done. I want that completion certificate." Joey nodded. Of course. "So, I was thinking, of, um. Maybe, you know, paying for the rest of the training with my money, so I won't run into that wall again."
"That's not a bad idea," Joey said, nodding as he put a piece of French toast in his mouth. He hoped he looked calmer than he felt inside. His heart was doing back flips and saying strange things like you go, Lance. "And, hey, if, you know. It's a ton of money, or whatever..."
"...I still won't be taking your money, Fatone," Lance finished for him. "Give it to Bri."
Joey sighed. "Yeah, yeah," he said. "Stubborn."
"Prick," Lance countered. "Anyway," he continued. "And then maybe I can try to get up in April. Even though there are other people going for that flight...maybe I'll be able to do it. And if not...well. I guess..."
"Hey," Joey said, "it takes guts to do what you're already doing. That's so brave, man. Finishing what you started and all. Just. wow. That makes me so proud of you."
Lance blushed and looked down. "Thanks," he said softly. "So, um. Maybe April."
"We can see how it goes," Joey said. "With the sponsors, and all. But, just, seriously, Lance, that you're going to do this at all is just..." he shook his head with a big smile. "Seriously. I'm so...wow."
Lance smiled sheepishly. "Thanks, seriously," he said again. "But wait. We?"
Joey grinned at him. "Yeah, we," he said. "No way you're getting rid of me this time," he said.
Lance smiled at him. "I hadn't planned on it," he said.
Joey stood up from the table. "Good," he said. "And hey, don't worry. What was that sticker thing I gave you?"
"Shoot for the moon," Lance said softly.
"If you miss, you'll land among the stars. That's right," Joey said. "There you go."
"Did that once," Lance said. "I ended up back here, not with the stars."
Joey grinned at him. "So now we'll make a new ending. Take two."
Lance smiled at him, the first really genuine smile all weekend. "All right," Lance said. "Take two. But today I've got a play I need to see again."
"Yeah?" Joey asked.
"Yeah," Lance said. "This really great guy I know is in it. He's my best friend. He makes me happy to be me."
Joey smiled. "I'm glad," he said.
"Yeah," Lance said, smiling back at him. "Me too."