MY MOM
My mother is very close to me, but I fretted for months about how to tell her. I was eager for anyone to give me advice on how to break what must be difficult news for any parent to hear. I first asked people on my support list. I asked how they told their parents and how they reacted after being told. I got a nearly no response from my support list, however, one notable suggestion was for me not to tell them until after I transitioned and then just send a photograph of myself. Well, needless to say I didn't care to take that route.

I debated more, and turned to the internet to find stories and advice. As my desire to tell my mom increased I found I became more and more nervous. The nervousness made me extremely confused, and each day grew more difficult to deal with. I finally decided to seek professional help. I attend a university, so there was a student counseling center for me to turn to. I made an appointment and went.

I had a few sessions with the psychologist, and what I found out was that just by telling him my situation made me feel better. It was like practicing coming out - It was a good experience. Instead of jumping up from his desk and running out of the office like I expected anyone to do after hearing that I was transsexual, he listened unconditionally. He gave me a few tips and within a month I felt I had the courage to tell my mom.

I decided to tell my mom during one of her visits. I was so nervous - not so much because I felt she would hate me or turn away from me, but that it would somehow disappoint her or hurt her. I knew she would blame herself somehow.

I originally decided to tell her early on the second day of her visit, but that time came and went. Then I decided to tell her after dinner, but I chickened out then too. Finally as we were in the car driving to the store to pick up some computer paper I told her.

I started by telling her I was seeing a shrink. Her response was a very calm "hmmmm, that must be expensive". I said "no, it's a free service". There was a bit of silence, I was sweating and her mind must have been racing. Then she finally asks "Why are you going?". I told her simply that I was having issues with my gender, and I wanted to get some advice on how to tell people in my life. I told her that I felt that I was truly a man, and that my body just didn't fit with what I felt inside. She seemed to understand, and was actually quite compassionate. It was difficult for both of us, and there were many moments when neither of us could find words. We talked a lot over that weekend, and she asked many questions. She seemed very interested in knowing what caused it (I know she feels responsible) (June 2000 ).

Six months later ..... I know it is still very hard for her. She tells me that it's hard to accept, and she still holds out hope that I will change my mind about transitioning. However, she still loves me and she has told me on many occasions that nothing in the world could change that (January 31, 2001).

One year later ....... Things with my mom are about the same as they were a few months ago. We talk on the phone frequently and see each other occasionally. She still calls me Michelle when she doesn’t think I’m listening, and doesn’t call me anything when she thinks I am. I’m angry that she doesn’t do more to include me in family things, but I think she’ll always be my mom (June 17, 2002).

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Updated June 17, 2002