The fear of what might happen to me if I transition on the job has become a common thought in my daily life. It is a turmoil which sometimes shakes my faith in being able to continue to be a stable and responsible part of the work force. However, what this fear is based upon had been quite unknown to me until recently. I never addressed the source of this concern until the day my therapist asked me.
This fear I've felt recently has paralyzed me at times. I'm a student and I'll probably be finished with school before I even start testosterone. I don't even have to come out right now at school - I can finish my work and leave before anyone is the wiser. But I think ahead to the time not far from now when I have to come out to my new employer. I worry that after 6 years of grad school I'll find a great job and then I'll then have to come out as a transsexual to people I've only just met. I felt this experience would turn my life into a living hell.
This fear has bothered me so much that I believe on some level I've kept myself from finishing school earlier. I sometimes don't want to leave school because I don't want to have to face what could happen to me on a future job. Though this fear isn't as great as my fear of death, it is a strong crippling fear.
When my therapist asked me what I was afraid of when it came to transitioning on the job, I thought for a moment. It was the first time I addressed the actual source of my anxiety, and I wanted to make sure I could accurately list every fear. (I felt that certainly there would be many of them - why else would I feel so paralyzed). However, in the end, the best I could do was a short list of two fears. Now I'm not saying that these fears were something to dismiss, but the two fears that I came up with were fears I've always dealt with. I'm afraid of being harassed and I'm afraid of being isolated by my peers.
I've always been perceived as different by those around me. I've been harassed before, and I've been isolated by groups I wanted to be a part of. I feel that even if I hadn't been born this way, I'm sure that I still would have experienced some degree of isolation and harassment - after all, aren't these experiences a rite of passage for most of us?
I still think transitioning
on the job will be awkward. I believe there is a great chance that people
will say things behind my back. I think there will people at the workplace
who will decide not to associate with me. But none of these worries have
kept me from living my life before. I regret that I've let them stop me over
in the past months (January 30, 2001).
One and a half years
later…. I have since left the job that I began my transition on. It wasn’t
horrible there. People were freaked out, but I was never harassed. However,
had I stayed, very few would have treated like the man I deserve to be treated
like. I would probably always be subjected to be called by the wrong
name and would have to find a level of acceptance with the wrong pronouns
being used.
Perhaps taking a new job is the easy way out. I certainly haven’t had to
deal with the problems I initially had on my previous job. I don’t know what
would happen on this job if it were found out I was trans. I would expect
people to treat me differently, but I doubt that I would lose my job, and
I doubt that I would be harassed (June 17, 2002).
More to come, but
until then read this:
http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A55901-2000Dec27.html
Updated June 17, 2002
