| July 2 I went over to *****�s house today. Of course the first thing he asked me was, �how was your trip?� I had already decided before I got there that I would not give him the simple answer I had given a few days before. They didn�t want to hear what I had to say. They didn�t want to be educated. They are close to 50 and set in their ways. Not only were they not open minded enough to hear me out; they would not let me say my piece because they absolutely had to say how they felt. Hearing their thoughts made me want to cry�and I think that was partially because I knew that three weeks ago I might have agreed with them. They used the one friend rule and �pick yourself up from the bootstraps.� I don�t understand why I got so upset. I knew that talking to them would be hard, but I don�t think I knew just how hard. I just shut down...became silent and hid my face. I want him to change so badly. It makes my heart hurt to think that my dad has so many stereotypes that he is unwilling to change. He doesn�t have to become this radical guy�all I want for him is to listen and try to understand. Why the hell can�t he do that?! Why wouldn�t you want to know if people were being treated unfairly?! How can you be content in a world like this? I still need time to process what I�ve been through. This has changed my life. I can�t look at the world the same way. I need to be like **** and become a doer. I can�t allow myself to sit back and do nothing (as easy as it would be). My life will be more difficult now, as I�ve already found out this morning. And if it isn�t difficult I know that there will be a sense of guilt�like what happened at the mall. I�m not sure if I�m going to be happy going back to a bunch of white people. There�s something wrong with SU. I feel like I really want to work to change our campus, but how? I have no clue, but it needs to happen. July 5 Last night I really started planning out how I would start an organization on campus and what that organization might look like. I think that it�s great that I�m thinking that way, but I also need to have some more personal goals. If I don�t have them, it would be very easy to just go through the motions or get bogged down in organizational politics. My first goal for my life is to constantly educate myself. I should try to read books, watch videos, and hear lectures as much as I can. I will never fully understand my privilege but that is a step to gaining more understanding. My second goal is to always question myself and others. In order to understand my privilege, I need to be thinking about it all of the time. I need to look at others and how their white skin helps them and then look at myself and see that in me. My third goal is to constantly stand up for what is right and educate people. I�m not sure how the education thing is going to play out. Education can be so many things. I�m going to need to be brave. I have to realize that a lot of people won�t like what I have to tell them. A lot of people will get angry or defensive and that�s okay. Maybe it�ll get them thinking. I have to realize that I might lose relationships over this. I have to accept that loss. I need to hold myself accountable to this. I need to hold others accountable. I need to prepare myself for a life of uncomfortability. |
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