June 27 I�m starting to try to think about what I�m going to do when this whole experience is over. I feel that I need to find a place at home where I can work with kids like these. I feel that I need to keep reading and always be aware of the world around me and my own privilege. I need to find a way to incorporate what I�ve learned with these people into the rest of my life. How can I do that? These past few weeks have been so intense. I know that I won�t be able to keep up the same kind of pace or level of intensity. Things are going to calm down and I�ll probably lose my excitement (although I hope I won�t). But that doesn�t mean that I haven�t changed or that I won�t keep on changing. Once your eyes are open to what goes on in the world, you cannot close them. You can�t just ignore it and live your life. June 29 We�re leaving today. It�s hard to believe it�s already been a week. I�m feeling a lot of things right now. I�ll try to describe them all. I�m sad to leave. I�m sad because of what I saw in some of the people of Atlanta. I saw poverty, violence, and hatred. I�m sad because I had to leave the kids yesterday. I�m scared. I�m scared to think about how this whole experience will change my life. I�m scared about talking to my family and friends about this experience. I�m scared that I won�t have the right words and I�ll miss an opportunity to educate someone. I�m scared that I�ll be a coward and not speak up when I know that I should. I�m scared that I won�t find a way to put this in my life permanently. I�m happy. I�m happy that I�ll get to see my family and friends�I�ve wanted to talk to them so bad the last couple of days. I�m happy that I�ve had the chance to get to known some really cool people. I�m happy that my eyes are open now. I�m happy because I feel like being in Atlanta has pushed me along a little in my development. I�m happy because I found out that I could work with kids. I�m happy because I understand the importance of being around people who look like you. I�m frustrated. I feel like some people didn�t open up and have the same kind of experience I did. I�m frustrated because I don�t know how I fit into all of this. I�m frustrated because of the looks I got last night and the hatred I felt. I�m frustrated that there is no easy answer to all of this. I have hope. I hope that what we are doing will make the world a better place to live in. I hope that I can share all of this with my friend and be there for her if she ever needs me. Last night was just the experience I needed to have. We were not welcome in that place. We were stared at, pointed at and whispered about. I tried to smile at people and no one smiled back. I�ve never felt so hated and unwelcome before in my life. The poetry was beautiful in the beginning. But then it started getting angrier. We were told to stay out of the ghetto�that it wasn�t safe for us. That statement was followed by a lot of �mmm hmmms.� I hated that ***** and the rest of us had to sit through the last poem. It just goes to show that even the oppressed can oppress. I�m glad we left. June 30 We came home yesterday. I went to bed at 9:00. I went to work today. I noticed an air of confidence in me today that isn�t usually there. I was bouncing around Mervyn�s singing and bopping to the music as I worked. I smiled at more people. I told a coworker how beautiful her hair was. I talked to another coworker. After work I went out into the mall to find a purse. My walk was fast paced and probably pretty damn cocky. When the sales woman in Dillards asked if I needed help�I actually told her exactly what I was looking for instead of saying no thanks. She came back later and I requested her help again�asking her opinion and if I could test out the purse a little. I walked away from my purchase feeling great. I thought, �I sure have learned a lot from ***** about service.� I didn�t learn about service. I learned about privilege. I�m back on my own turf. I can walk around with confidence and blend in with the crowd. I know that I�ll get good service if I request it. I�m not worried about hateful glances or people thinking I shouldn�t be some place. I enjoyed my privilege today. And now I feel completely guilty. I forgot about the kids at CAM and all the people I met in Atlanta. I pushed out of my mind what it felt like to be the minority�to have people wondering why you were in a certain restaurant or store. How could I do that?! I now see why Tanya doesn�t trust white people. It�s all too easy to slip into old habits even after all that I�ve been through in the last three weeks. I�m just glad that I recognized it. How can I change that? How do I not abuse my privilege? I need someone to show me how. |
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