My world was thrown upside down the first week, maybe even the first day of class. I remember reading Tatum�s book the night after the first class. Everything she said was new information to me. I�m sure I had heard people talk about differences in equality when applying for loans or buying houses, but it never clicked for me. Tatum forced me to think that this inequality had to do with race. I absolutely did not want to believe it. I remember writing in the margins all kinds of questions, doubting everything Tatum was telling me. I wanted to believe that it was because of class or gender, anything but race. I remember that I didn�t talk much in our group meetings that first week. It was partially because I didn�t know anyone and wasn�t comfortable in group yet, but I think it was also because I was struggling so much to accept all these new views of the world I was being told about and shown. I know that I finally fully accepted the fact that we are not all equal in the world when we watched the Color of Fear video. That was a really rough day for me. I think that I came to our meeting that day on the verge of tears. I don�t remember what we had read the night before, but it really shook me up. During the video, I was annoyed by David. I thought he was completely ignorant. I thought that he was a racist. I found myself agreeing with the other men in the video. But then, somewhere in the middle of the video, I realized how much my inner voice that week had sounded like David (I think that was his name�it was the white guy who didn�t accept anyone�s opinions). I started crying probably around the same time he did in the video, and I couldn�t stop. At that time, all the white guilt came flooding in. I remember how relieved I was that someone suggested having caucus groups. I couldn�t bear even look at Tanya, Fernando or Crystal. I felt like I was the one who had caused them pain and suffering, even though they had not expressed any feeling of the sort. I remember totally breaking down in the caucus group, but I don�t remember what exactly happened. I think that was on a Friday. We didn�t meet again until Monday. I don�t think I did anything that weekend. I stayed in bed or in front of the TV. I think I was in mourning for the world I knew before and for the person I thought I was. Everything changed that day. Now that I think about it, it�s really silly that I was so sad to see that world and that person go away. Yes, I had a cloud of innocence floating around me and I was blissful, but it was a false sense of happiness. My times of happiness now are so much more fulfilling because I have a true view of what the world is and who I am in that world.
I think that I really started to find a person I had lost and also a person I had never seen after that day. Although I was dealing with a lot of hurt, guilt and shame I felt more confident and more comfortable with who I was. The rest of the month went a lot more smoothly despite heated conversations and some uncomfortable situations in Atlanta. I learned so much after that wall was broken down the first week. I haven�t stopped learning since then. I found out that it was harder than I thought it�d be to keep learning though. So many things get in the way of what I want to do. Sometimes I wonder if I�m giving up and going back to my old ways, but inevitably something always comes up to bring out the weed in me. My activism and learning always seems to come in spurts. After we finished our month, I went around talking to almost everyone I know about racial identity and racism. I was shot down by family members and friends; many were unreceptive and others argued with me. I got discouraged and stopped talking to EVERYONE about it. I learned to find the right times and the right people to talk to. I think that my constant talking about race/racism has made some people in my life at least think more seriously about it. My roommate, mom, and a couple of other friends have become more open to discussing privilege and oppression. A few came with me to a discussion about whiteness. It�s a constant battle for me to decide when I need to say something to people about a comment or action and when to hold back.
Another change I�ve noticed is the diversity among my group of friends. Last year, and most of my life, I�ve had mostly white, middle class friends. This year I�ve found myself being around mostly Hispanic people, and I�m usually the only white person in the group; something that had never happened before we went to Atlanta. It�s been difficult at times. Most of my Hispanic friends speak Spanish, and every once in a while they�ll start speaking in Spanish when I�m around. It�s very tempting to get upset and ask them to stop because I don�t understand what they�re saying. Instead, I�ve decided to start taking Spanish classes so I can finally understand what�s going on. |
