By
Chris Ayala
Advertising Editor
After the appropriate club clothes are acquired, two
drivers are assigned, with money in hand, seven friends venture out on course
for St. Louis: apparently the only place that seems to have intelligent life in
the area. At exactly 11:31 the posse makes an entrance into that fabled club,
only to revel with the all-too-common gang of misfits who have infested this
once pristine dance sanctuary.
This motley crew of club trash includes (but is not
limited to) one or more of the following: the burly security guard, the hardcore
raver, the flirty hot chick, the chubby girl who can’t seem to keep her top
on, the pathetic old guy that sits at the end of the bar and stares at her and
the wanderer.
The Built-Like-A-Mack-Truck Bouncer
Upon entering the bass-thumping establishment, the
group is greeted at the door by a larger-than-life security guard who’s just a
little too big, even by sentinel standards.
Even though he gets paid to be huge, he always seems to
be much too large for his own good. How’s this guy going to chase down some
trouble-making punk when he can’t even wobble off his stool without getting
winded? This dude couldn’t wipe his without breaking a sweat.
Rave boy
With light sticks flying fast and furious, the hardcore
raver is usually seen next. He’s in his own world, pop-locking and spinning
his little glowing sticks everywhere. While he very well may have attended a
rave or two, any exposure to brightly colored flashing lights and chest-thumping
drum n’ bass instantly transforms this kid into “Rave Boy.”
His dance moves resemble those of a Hawaiian fire
dancer, only there’s no real danger in handling glowing plastic sticks, to
speak of. If you can get Rave Boy to stop moving long enough to get him to
speak, he might say something like: “These
beats are soooo mainstream. Dude needs to spin some phat underground grooves.”
Or, “See this pacifier around my neck? Yeah, I got it from my DJ friend in
Atlanta.” One could only assume that by “dude,” he means the club DJ and
by “friend in Atlanta,” he means his mom. Clearly, this boy is meant to be
seen, and not heard, as a conversation with him might result in the listener
wanting to gouge their eyeballs out.
The Flirty Hot Chick
If you keep your guard down, you just might be
approached by a flirtatious girl from “above.” No, not Heaven, the upper
level of the club. Keep an eye out if she has a non-jingly bracelet, one that is
neon and plastic. It lets the bartender know that she’s of age.
At any rate, more than likely the girl is hanging all
over you (and quite possibly your buddies) because she is TRASHED! Don’t let
this one fool you. She’s not actually attracted to you; she’s just at a
point where she simply does not care anymore.
The Homely as Hades Exhibitionist
While coaxing Flirty Hot Chick out of her tank top
might not be much of a challenge, convincing this next girl to keep her clothes on
might prove to be a bit more difficult. She can often be seen dancing atop a
bar, a cocktail table or just about any other elevated platform.
There, she’ll be squeezed into a top that is three
sizes too small for her, flashing whoever will look. Spilling out of her tube
top, she insists on showing the world what her mother gave her. While the Homely
Exhibitionist may not be much to look at, her friends are sometimes good-enough
looking.
There’s no law that says that ugly people must
associate with other ugly people; however, don’t let your guard down else you
be mobbed by her funky friends. Avoid this ghastly creature like the plague. She
is so willing to take her clothes off because she is gone.
The Pervert
One
guy who doesn’t have to be drunk to drool over her (but usually is) is this
next slob. Making the end of the bar his home, he lurks in the shadows and
generally doesn’t say much.
He is perfectly content just sitting there, staring at
every girl in tight clothing that comes in sight. Should an unfortunate child
happen to initiate a conversation with him, however, she may be sucked into a
dark abyss of small talk and dirty humor. Keep an eye out on your under-aged
friends.
The Wanderer
The only person in the club more pathetic than the
Pervert is this loser. He drags along from one corner of the club to the other
like a lost puppy. Maybe he got separated from his friends. Maybe he has no
friends. Either way, this lost soul just can’t seem to achieve a sense of
belonging.