morning. got woken up earli dad called he said hes coming in june. sigh dont be so sure he'll dissapoint u to. which got me to thinking about me and candice and on friday. i mean how can she not be happy okay i can see why but god if she ever ran away or got hurt i dont think id know what to do except cry. THan blame myself. Sometimes okay most of the times i feel like i have to guard her all the time and i cant trust any of her guy friends because i feel one day she'll get hurt so badly like not just emotionally but physically than its my fault. and than this led to that movie heartbreakers and i c what is wrong but thats different. this grl she has been talking to in saugust i saw her sites pics and i think shes the type of grl that has fun and all like daddies little grl and the thing that scares me is you'll turn like that. She dosent look like the type of grl who'll gain anything when shes older and i know i'm basing this on piictures but than again a person once said that u can tell a person by the photographs or th little things about them. sigh..
Fiona i'm glad and thankful for u letting Vincent be my friends and actually know him because i think if it wasnt for u i wouldnt know him. Vincent u have been the friend that i wished i had when i was kid. sumtimes u are like every guuy friend that i meet and i want to keep but i'll probably end it like i always do because i cant seem to keep my guy friends. Maybe because i make them feel special to the point that they end up liking me. I dont know if is a good thing or bad. Prehaps when i get a new guy friend i should make them promise not to fall i n love with me or sumthing. I only end up hurting them more than ever. Vincent i knew u like me days after u talked to me and for everyday i talked to u i only made u like me more into believing that i did too. but i lie alot that i dont what i want. And the day we were together I knew u wanted to be with me so i let u and when hours past i knew u wanted to kiss me so i let it be. And i'm thankful u were there when i was sad and unhappy. and days when i wanted to break up with him because for everyday i was with him was for everyday i'll hurt him more. It turns out that everything did work out for the good.. for the better.. who knows. I'm suprised though that inside he still loves me but in a different way i think. Vincent i dont know what i want just that it would be nice if we were just friends and everything is the way it is and i have a good feeling it will. like u wont forget anything that had happened just that u'll think of it as a time where u will never forget. and i just have a good feeling we'll be friends.
Anyways vincent like i dont know i knew u liked me i dont know when i think its when we started tlaking for so long that i didnt realize that . but then when i read it. and the way u said the stuff like i knew that and then when i was with u i could feel it. its anot a bad thing. I knew what u wanted and what u wanted to except then i couldnt decide whether i should,, but sumhow i gave in whether it was for the sypmathy of u or beacuse i just should. Then later on i knew u wanted to kiss me like i could see it in your eyes.. and i was thinking should I?.. laughs..
u asked me where i was candice in nurtition and that everyone is worried and that i shouldnt do that stuff well thanks.i have been sooo depressed with everthing with the way i feel about herjit and amir how i ignore them how i couldnt tell the reason why. and i've BEEN SO MElocanoly that the only thing i seem to want to do is eat so days in nurtition i woul just eat and just forget about everything.. and i kept eating.. lunch and at home till i finally weight myself and realize what i have become.. and i just have to deal with it, somehow.and i have to stop. I thought u could tell i thought u would fine out but i kept it inside u can barley realize how i wanted to die how i couldnt live my life i wish sum days u would say to me "Dont say anything, just hold my hand and I'll listen while you cry" adn that help me more than anything. I bet u dont or realize that its hear how i'm feeling and saying to the world. i bet when u do find out it'll be too late to save me its okay though cuz god coulnt save me either. U can tell when i'm sad when quiet, the way i smile the way i pretend to be happy and everything is okay.. times when i just clean and clean like i take it out all my angry but its not realli out just put in the back till one day theres no room to hold it. I had a dream i cant remember when but i wanted to jump from this rail and there were this feeway underneath and cars coming and i got up on the rail and i was going to do it when suddenly u pulled me and u called me and u cried and i cried and i suddenly couldnt do it.
remmeber when i siad i was going to get your mom a mothers day card. well i meant it because it seems candice like your mom is like the only mom that even care about me and sumtimes when i'm there i just feel like your famil;y and i wanted to give her a card saying happy mothers day to show that she was like the mother that was there that actually cared and knew everything. I mean i love my real mom but trust me shes never there not that she dosent want to be but just cuz i couldnt bare hurting her and telling her all my problems. and it seems like your mom gives me speeches that i dont want to here but i still do cuz shes reminding me that shes there and she still cares. yea.. i dont know if u know that. though now i dont think i will cuz it will be too weird.
sometimes god puts u in a postion were everything u love is at risk and everything that u have comes tumbling down in the blink of your eyes because of one step, one word, one move, u did. In the end he will deliever u from it. I was so mad at cnadice and mys is but still felt sympathy becuase i'm thankful to have them and what they did. and i feel sorry that they have to be stuck with my problems. and i was mad how they couldnt do one think for me but right now.. it dosent seem like that. Candice i'm sorry u never understood me at times and i never told u any secret. i only kept 2 from u just like from everyone else and i'll never tell u them because i want to keep that 2 secrets till i die because u know.. u would feel so sorry for me and cry that i would cry too.. and everything i kept from u i would tell but just ask like what it is because maybe i wont tell u at first but i will later on. Remeber when i was with mark and i always ask u what u think of him and u said i cant realli say anything because i dont know him.. i wish u did because i wanted to know how u realli felt about him but never talk to him and u never realli knew him and i even tried for him to talk to u and get to know u and i told him how important it was to me. and he did it but u never gave in. it seemed like the only person that mattered to me about what they think was the only person that didnt tell me except to sya" if your happy with him than i am" and what if the only thing that makes me happy is knowing that u are. SO much has happened and i barley could put anything in words. I dont know why but this happening i think will change anything i hope for the good that we are closer friends.. well from now on i'll tell u anything u want to know and i'll try hard that is if u want to be my friend because it seems its so important to u so yea.
I know its happening. I know when all my dreams come true and at a twinkle of time everything is good.. he test me with my biggest fear of me dying. And each year it gets closer and closer.. u would think i would live till i get old but i doubt that. Its growing.. and sooner it'll get stronger and take everything i ever loved and known. U ever feel like u know when ur going to die.... not exactly the time or place.. but just have that feeling. I could feel it that one day i'll be so weak it'll make me weak and that one day i cant fight anymore. I could feel it when my heart hurts or when my head hurts or any part of my body like i could feel it inside as it moves and i could barley breath or move. WHen it ends i'm thankful i'm still alive and it dosent hurt.
I'm still not over it.. im still tramutized from it. Its sumthing that happened to me that my friends joke about and laugh becaue they thnk it will never happen to them. And i try to joke and laugh abou it but i know the truth and i know everything that i'm feeling is not MY FAULT and that god let this happened becaue it was meant to be. and years have past and i cant tell u how i feel how i still think its my fault. and i try to get help but the only person that i went to let me down and now everywhere. i am i dont feel so safe and everyone i care about i worry becaue i think the worse of things and i never want it to happen for them. I use to blame god why he choose me and why he would do such a t hing.. to happen and why would he let me wake up each and everyday knowing and feeling so ashamed and sad. i wish i was maria and i could tell the truth and let ie be and deal with it but i'm not and i'll never be because the day i am.. it'll come and take it away from me.
I dont know if candice and I are friend shes not talkign to me so yea maybe not. Prehaps she is fed up with me to tlak to me and she cant forgive me.