| Thursday morning, the sun streaming in the window woke Lennie. He groaned, stretching. His body ached from his cramped position on the couch. But it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart. He glanced at the clock in the VCR � already almost 8AM. Shit, he was late for work. No alarm out here. As he sat up, he came to a decision and reached for the phone. �Hey, LT, it�s Lennie. Listen, I�m not really feeling well. I think I�m gonna stay home today.� Van Buren was sure she heard something odd in Lennie�s voice. But then, he had been looking beat these first few days back at work. Maybe he�d just overdone it. �OK, Lennie. You rest up, we don�t want you pushing too hard. If you�re not ready yet, just say so, OK?� Lennie was touched by the concern in her voice. �Thanks, LT.� He hung up the phone and wrapped his arms around the pillow again, wishing he had somebody real to hold on to. But after yesterday, he doubted if either Jack or Mike would ever trust him again � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jamie expected to see Jack in his office well before she got there Thursday morning, and was surprised to find his office empty. They had a meeting with Judge Stevens at 1PM, to either present an argument the judge found compelling or have the Branden case thrown out for lack of evidence. They�d been at the office until after 9PM last night, and Jamie had half expected to find Jack asleep on the sofa this morning. But his office was dark, and it was already 9AM. This was very unlike Jack, and she was worried. It was almost 9:30 when Jack got to the office. He dashed past his secretary and ducked into his office, hiding behind a door to change into a suit. Jamie met him at the coffee machine. �Jack? You all right?� One look at his face told her he wasn�t. Dark circles showed under his eyes. He started in on his coffee without even putting sugar in it, then scowled at the bitter taste. �No.� Jamie took it from him and quickly fixed it the way he liked it as he rubbed at his temples. Adam Schiff watched them with a concerned expression as Jamie steered Jack back towards his office and closed the door behind them. For a while, McCoy had seemed happier than Schiff had seen him since before Claire�s death. But this week, something seemed to have gone wrong. Adam was worried, both because whatever was going on was starting to affect Jack�s work, and because his friend hadn�t yet told him what was happening. If this kept up, he�d have to force the issue. He had really hoped friendship would bring Jack to him before he had to play the worried boss. Jamie sat across from Jack, watching him. Finally, she broke the silence. �What�s wrong, Jack?� �I really don�t want to talk about it Jamie.� She sighed. �Jack, did you sleep at all last night?� He shrugged. �Passed out somewhere in there.� Jamie�s expression got hard. �You were drinking? When we have to argue this today?� He sighed. �I�m sorry, Jamie.� He couldn�t stand the recriminating look in her eyes. �Something happened with Lennie and Mike Logan, didn�t it?� Anger flashed in his eyes. �I said I didn�t want to talk about it.� Jamie shook her head. �OK, if that�s the way you want it. So are you going to be ready for Judge Stevens?� He rubbed his face with his hands, then reached for his coffee. �Another couple of these and I will be �� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mike Logan laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He still couldn�t believe what had happened last night. Everything had been going so well. It had felt so good, beyond good, to feel Lennie in his arms again. Where he belonged. The passion, the power was still there between them. They had been so perfect together. Until Mike panicked. Why the hell had Lennie done that? He KNEW Mike couldn�t stand to be touched there. They had never done it that way. Mike was top and Lennie was bottom and everybody was happy. Why did he have to go and change it now? Was it McCoy? Was that how they did it? Of course. It was McCoy�s fault. It had to be. Or was it? He�d spent the better part of the day thinking about it. Terrified that he�d lost everything. Why, why did he always manage to screw it up? Why had he run out the door again? Pushed away the one person he wanted? // Stupid, Mike, just stupid! // But in that moment the fear had been so great � the memory so vivid. // He was 14. Sitting in the rectory with Fr. Joe. His jeans in a puddle around his ankles, the priest�s big hands gently stroking him, bringing him pleasure. He liked it. He knew what the others thought, but he liked it. Until one day � those long fingers slipped down the back of his underwear, sliding between his cheeks, probing. He�d tensed up, afraid, not quite knowing what was going on, just knowing it didn�t feel right. Suddenly he was full of doubts. Maybe the others were right, there was something wrong with this. He panicked, squirmed out of Fr. Joe�s grasp, grabbing his jeans and running away � // God, he�d been running away ever since. And he�d just done it again � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rey had been worried ever since the LT had told him Lennie had called in sick this morning. He had a feeling it had more to do with his love life than his recovery from his injuries. They�d had a somewhat hectic morning, but at lunchtime Rey insisted on taking a break. He�d dropped Profaci back at the station and headed over to Lennie�s apartment. Lennie had been restlessly wandering around the apartment, too miserable to concentrate on anything. Finally he collapsed back onto the couch, almost exhausted just from his nervous rambling. The knock at the door startled him. Who would be here at this time of day? Only one name came to mind � somebody who had just quit his job and had the day entirely free. Lennie sat there, frozen. No. He absolutely would NOT answer the door this time. There was no way he was letting Logan back in. Even though he desperately wanted to apologize for his mistake last night. He knew now for sure that Mike was as poisonous to him as the booze. Then he heard the familiar voice call out. �Lennie? You in there? You OK?� He got up and stumbled to the door, fingers tripping over each other in his haste to unlock it. �Rey? What are you doing here?� Curtis looked at his partner and was not at all happy with the sight. Lennie looked like he�d been run over by the proverbial Mack truck. Or was that Mike? �I was worried when LT said you�d called in sick. Wanted to see if you were ok � I guess you�re not �� Rey walked in and shut the door behind him. �Lennie, what happened?� Lennie gave a heavy sigh and sank back down onto the couch. Rey sat beside him. �I blew it, Rey. He came here, last night. I shouldn�t have let him in, but I did �� Rey could see the pain and regret in Lennie�s eyes. Eyes that now that he looked closer, he could see were red-rimmed. �Aw, no, Lennie �� His partner nodded. �I �. We �� Rey moaned, remembering his own moment of weakness. �I know, Lennie �� Lennie looked at him, seeing a hint of his own pain mirrored in the dark eyes. �How, Rey? How did you get back from this?� Curtis shook his head. �Not sure. Held it in for a hell of a long time. Till she could see something was eating away at me from inside. God, I�ll never forget the day she finally made me tell her �� Lennie nodded. �Jack came over late last night. He�d called earlier, saying he was stuck working late, probably wouldn�t make it �� Rey�s eyes went wide with fear. �Was Mike still here?� Lennie shook his head. �No. It gets worse. Mike can�t � I mean � I asked him to do something he�s afraid of and he ran out. It was my fault, I forgot �� Curtis felt a little guilty for the surge of pleasure he got thinking that Logan had at least been hurt in the process. But only a little. Lennie was still talking. �But when Jack got here, I couldn�t hide it. I think I lost both of them last night, Rey!� Lennie�s voice broke, and he buried his head in his hands, sobbing. Rey slipped his arm around the shaking shoulders, trying to comfort his friend. But Lennie was inconsolable. Rey just held him for a little while, then started talking softly as Lennie�s sobs quieted. �Don�t give up so easily, Lennie. One slip doesn�t have to mean the end of everything. I KNOW, Lennie. Come on, don�t give up now. Please.� Just then his cell phone rang. Cursing, he let go of Lennie to fumble in his pocket to find the damned thing. �Curtis.� Lennie looked at him as Rey listened to whoever was on the other end. �OK, fine, I�ll be right there.� Rey snapped the phone shut and sighed. �Double homicide. Sounds like an ugly one. I�ve got to go. Lennie, you going to be ok?� Lennie shrugged. �I�ll survive, Rey. I always do �� Curtis squeezed his arm. �I�ll try to call tonight, but I have a feeling this one�s going to be a long one.� Lennie nodded, grateful for his friend�s concern, and followed him to the door. �Thanks, Rey.� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack sat at the bar, drinking his dinner. Despite all their work, they hadn�t been able to find an argument to persuade Judge Stevens to let in the evidence, and she had summarily dismissed the case against Brandon. Just what Jack needed given the mood he was already in. He�d sulked around the office the rest of the afternoon, then promptly at 5 changed into his jeans and stalked out. He hadn�t wanted to go to any of his usual hangouts, didn�t want company. He was angry, and yes, now he could finally admit it, hurt. So he found a bar on the other side of town, not far away from the address he had tucked into his shirt pocket. He hadn�t quite decided what to do about it yet � So he sat there and stared into his third scotch on an empty stomach. Right now the hurt had overtaken anger as his predominant emotion. If he�d gotten there just a little sooner, would he have found them �en flagrante delecto�? How could Lennie do this to him? What they had was so special. At least to him. Maybe Jamie had been right � maybe he was over-reacting to what had happened. Obviously it meant much more to him than to Lennie� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After Rey had left, Lennie had felt a little calmer for a while. But as the day dragged on and neither Jack nor Mike called, the desperation returned. He was so sure he had irreparably damaged his relationship with Jack. They were so new, they didn�t have the years of history that Rey and Debra had drawn on to work it out and put their lives back together. And Mike. He still couldn�t believe what he had done. He knew about Mike�s fear of taking bottom. They had never gone there. // Why? // he wondered. Why had he done it, why had he wanted it? He remembered the first time Jack had made love to him. He�d been asking questions after, curious, wanting to know what Lennie felt on the receiving end. Had Lennie latched onto that, confused his partners? But why had Mike run out again? Why couldn�t he ever stay and talk things out? Stupid damned stubborn son-of-a-bitch! Lennie just wanted to smash him into a wall, beat some sense into that thick Irish skull. // Haven�t enough people done that to him already? // Oh, hell. Mike was such sweet poison. Up to that point it had been so good, so intense. With Mike it was all about passion and intensity. Making love with Jack was a different matter entirely. It was joy and love and tenderness. And now he�d lost both of them. His guilt was double edged, knowing he�d hurt them both. But wasn�t that the way it always went? Love Lennie Briscoe, get hurt. It was a fact of nature. Funny � when Don had found him that night, showed him this way, he had been elated. Knew there was a reason his marriages hadn�t worked- he was gay, of course they never had a chance. But now he found himself rethinking that decision. His track record on this side of the fence was no better. He�d truly loved two women, and two men, and he�d deeply hurt every single one of them. Maybe he�d been right that night after all. Maybe it was time to crawl back into that bottle. It seemed to be the only thing he was good at � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don had cut out of work a little early and headed straight over to Logan�s apartment. Mike hadn�t made much sense on the phone earlier, but the one thing Cragen got loud and clear was that his young friend was hurting. Bad. He�d found Mike just sitting there, staring into space. �Mike? You alive in there?� Logan shrugged. �Come on, Mike. Talk to me.� Mike just shook his head. �Don�t do that, Donnie. Never have. See, that�s the Logan way. When something goes wrong, run away. Don�t deal with it, don�t talk about it, just run. Been running since I was 14, Donnie. I am so fucked up I don�t think I�ll ever get far enough away �� Cragen sighed. �Please, Mike. Just tell me what happened.� Slowly, haltingly, he got the story out of Mike. How he�d decided to make one last try to convince Lennie. How it was working, until Lennie forgot about Mike�s one deep-rooted fear. How he�d run out again without a word. �Aw, shit, Mikey. Why�d you have to go and do that?� �Don, I couldn�t help it. The memory was so real �� �No, you idiot. I mean why�d you go over there at all? He gave you an answer. Can�t you just move on?� Mike sighed. �I had to give it one more try, Donnie. We were so good together.� �For all of two months. It�s been two years since then, Mike. And you�re still struggling. Has it occurred to you that maybe you can�t beat this on your own?� �Of course! That�s why I wanted him to come!� Cragen shook his head. �That�s not what I mean. I�m talking about professional help.� �Donnie, you know I hate shrinks.� �Of course. They remind you that you have a problem. Listen, Mike. I�ve been thinking a lot lately. I think you�re right to want to start over. But I think you have to do it right or you�re just running away again. Which means getting real help. And it also means really leaving the past behind. And that includes Lennie.� �No! Donnie, I can�t �� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack had managed to down some of the bar food, since just standing up to go to the men�s room had proved he wasn�t quite steady on his feet. Now he sat back at the bar, mostly just staring at the scotch in front of him, thinking. He cast his memory back over the past few weeks. The long times they�d spent together, just cuddling. Talking like old friends. Laughing together. No. He couldn�t believe Lennie didn�t love him. There had to be another explanation. Logan. That was really all the explanation Jack needed. The mad had some kind of hold over Lennie, some control that Lennie couldn�t break. Like an alcoholic who couldn�t let go of the booze � // Oh, shit. // Jack stared at his drink. Lennie had been so upset last night. He was an alcoholic. // What if he�s reacting the same way I am? // Jack dug out his cell phone. He wanted to call, but was afraid. Afraid he�d find Lennie with Mike. Afraid he�d be rejected. But also afraid for his friend, his lover, his sweet Lennie. Finally he settled on an alternative and dialed directory assistance. �What number please?� �Donald Cragen. C-r-a-g-e-n.� He waited while they looked up the number and connected him. Finally he heard the ringing and a voice on the other end. �Hello?� �Don? It�s Jack McCoy.� Cragen sighed. This situation was getting worse by the minute. �Jack. What can I do for you?� �You talk to Logan today?� �Yes.� �Then you know. Listen, Lennie is hurting, bad. I �. I can�t face him yet, Don. But damn it, if I�m here drinking myself into oblivion, what if he is too? Do you know if Mike is with him?� Cragen was surprised. Obviously McCoy didn�t have the whole story. �No. I just got back from Mike�s a little while ago.� Jack sighed with relief. �Then do me a favor, Don. Call Lennie. Make sure he�s not as drunk as I am �� Cragen�s stomach tied into a knot. He should have thought of this as soon as Mike told him what happened. If neither Mike nor Jack was talking to him, Lennie was probably about as miserable as humanly possible. // Shit. // �OK, Jack. I�ll take care of him. Just � don�t do anything stupid, ok?� Jack shook his head. He didn�t want Cragen to guess what he had in mind. �Yeah.� Jack hung up the phone and downed the rest of the scotch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lennie sat there, staring at the bottle of vodka. He�d gone out and bought it, brought it back here, and now he was staring at it as the voices in his head argued. Why not? You�re not good for anything but hurting the people you love. You�ll never get it right. Why not bury the pain, the guilt. If only for a little while � An annoying sound drilled into his consciousness. The phone. Habit made him answer it. �Yeah.� �Lennie. It�s Don. Have you cracked the seal yet?� Lennie stared at the bottle in front of him. // How did he know? // �No.� His voice was flat, lifeless. �Good. Listen, Lennie. I want you to do something for me. I want you to take that bottle over to the sink and pour it down the drain. Can you do that for me, Lennie?� �Why should I, Don? I hurt them both, I�ve lost them both. I�m no better with men than with women. I�m useless.� �You�re not useless, Lennie. Listen to me. You haven�t lost Jack. He just called me, wanted me to check on you. He was afraid you�d do this. Yes, he�s hurt, but he still cares about you, Lennie. Please, Lennie. Pour it out. Give Jack a chance to forgive you?� �How can he forgive me when I can�t forgive myself?� Lennie�s words came out almost as a wail. �Maybe it�s the other way around, Lennie. Maybe you can�t forgive yourself until he forgives you?� Cragen�s words were slowly sinking into Lennie�s misery-muddled mind. Jack was worried about him? He still cared? Maybe there was the smallest possibility of hope? He looked at the bottle of vodka in front of him. Another sweet poison. Suddenly all his anger at Mike for putting him into this situation welled up. He grabbed the bottle and threw it into the sink, hard, shattering the glass with a sound like a gunshot. �Lennie! What the hell was that?� Cragen�s voice sounded frantic. �Sorry, Don. Threw the damned thing into the sink. Didn�t mean to scare you �� �Well, you sure as hell did! Christ, Lennie!� �Don, do me a favor? Tell Mike � tell him I�m real sorry about last night. But tell him to leave me alone. I don�t need anymore of his variety of poison either. You got that?� Cragen sighed. �You�re right, Lennie. I�ll � I�ll tell him. You gonna be ok tonight? You need me to come over?� �I�ll be OK, Don. I�m past it. I�ve got a reason to hope now �� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack parked his bike across the street from the apartment building at the address he�d looked up this afternoon. Sometimes it paid to have contacts all over the NYPD � He�d spent the last hour thinking about the situation. Mike wasn�t with Lennie. He wondered what had happened, why Logan had left before he got there. There was a piece of the puzzle he didn�t have. But overall, it didn�t matter. Things had been so perfect before Mike had materialized out of the past. And Lennie had been so hurt last night. It was all Mike�s fault. He�d probably seduced Lennie last night, then run out on him, leaving him feeling guilty. Jack had had about all he could take of Logan�s interference. He strode into the building taking the elevator up to the 5th floor. Checked the scrap of paper in his pocket again. Apt. 528. He stood outside the door for a moment, listening. It was quiet inside, just the sound of the TV. A deep breath, and he knocked. The door opened, and Logan glared at him. �What the hell are you doing here?� �You want to discuss it out here or in there?� Logan reluctantly moved aside, letting him in. �So talk.� �Leave us alone, Mike. I don�t know what you did to Lennie last night, but you hurt him awfully bad. And that means you answer to me.� �I hurt HIM? He wasn�t hurting the last time I saw him. He�s the one who hurt ME yesterday.� �What the hell are you talking about, Logan?� �Everything was fine until you ruined it, McCoy! Lennie�s always been bottom, he likes it that way. But no, you had to go and make him a top! You like taking it up the ass, counselor? Or did you just do it because it�s the one thing I can�t do?� Jack stood there, shocked. �We never �� �Like hell you didn�t. Then why did he want me to �� Jack shook his head. �You say you love him, but every time you touch his life you hurt him. You walked out on him without a word two years ago, and you did it again last night. It�s not about him, it�s about you.� �Oh, and you love him so much? You don�t love him, Jack. You�ve just confused gratitude with love.� Jack�s anger plus the overabundance of scotch in his bloodstream was getting the better of him. He�d heard that sentence way too many times. �Like hell I have �� He slammed Logan into the wall. That was all Mike needed to push him over the edge. He was bigger than McCoy, a good two inches taller and a lot more muscle, not to mention 15 years younger. But McCoy�s anger pushed him on, and the two struggled, intent on hurting as much as possible. Mike threw him off, sent him crashing into the couch, then came over and landed a solid punch to his face. Jack reeled at the burst of pain in his temple. He tried to sit up, but Logan was on him again, hands wrapping around his throat. �Mike! No!� Cragen�s voice came from the doorway. Suddenly the body holding him down moved, the hands around his throat dislodged. Jack blinked dizzily, his eyes slowly focusing on Cragen, now holding Logan�s arms behind him like a perp. Logan struggled briefly, then suddenly sagged against Cragen. �Oh god, I was gonna kill him!� Shuddering sobs wracked his body as Cragen gently shifted his hold into an embrace, glaring at Jack with an expression that said �get out!� Jack watched in horror for a moment, gawking at the big cop�s collapse like a rubbernecker at an accident scene. Finally he found the strength to move and left Logan in Cragen�s tender care. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lennie was getting ready for bed. New sheets took the place of the tainted ones from yesterday. He felt calm now. Shattering the bottle of vodka had provided the catharsis he�d needed to get past this. He�d tried to call Jack, to talk things out, but there had been no answer. Probably buried in his work, his usual way of dealing with problems. He�d thought about calling the office, but decided that he could wait. Tomorrow was Friday. That would be better � they could talk all night if they needed to. He was kind of surprised when the phone rang. �Lennie? How you doing, partner?� He felt a warm tenderness at the sound of Rey�s voice. �I�m ok. Really.� �You sure?� �Yeah. But thanks for checking. I�ll see you at the precinct tomorrow, ok?� �All right. Night Lennie.� �Night, Rey.� Continue to Chapter 7 Return to the Story Index Send me some feedback Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just borrowing them for fun, not profit. |
| All I Ask of You |
| Chapter 6 |