| That really annoying sound was back, this time dragging Lennie out of the most delicious dream. Strong arms holding him down, hot kisses covering his neck, chest. A hot hard cock pressing into his leg. Laughing green eyes looking down at him � Green eyes? No. Not Mike. NO!!!!! He sat up, suddenly wide awake. // Damn you Mike Logan! // Guilt washed over him as he remembered last night with Jack. Damn Logan, damn his subconscious, damn the alarm clock! He rubbed his eyes and dragged his butt out of bed, heading toward the shower. As the hot water poured over him, he realized the dream had left him aroused, but his reaction to it had dampened things considerably. Why the hell was he dreaming about Mike? Didn�t he know when he had a good thing going? Once dressed, he headed to the kitchen, today remembering to use Jack�s gift, as if that could somehow ease his guilt over the dream. Instead, it just made him think about it more. He felt miserable, even though he�d finally gotten a good night�s sleep. This was going to be another long day � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack was already at his desk, apparently working on something, when Jamie got to the office. She stuck her head in with a cheery �Good morning!� He looked up at the sound, �Hey Jamie.� Something in his manner seemed off. The smile that had been dancing around his eyes these past weeks was gone. �Jack? Something wrong?� He hesitated. �No, not really.� She gave him her best �yeah, right,� look. // ok, he�ll talk when he�s ready � // �OK, well, when do you want to go over the Rosenberg stuff?� Jack sighed, glad she was willing to let it drop for now. �Uh, give me about half an hour? Then we can dig through that mess.� He buried himself in his work, pushing his doubts away, for a little while at least � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rey was having one of those in-and-out days, bouncing between the precinct, the ME�s office, out checking some leads that led nowhere. Lennie had been right � lunch just wouldn�t have worked today. But each time he got back to his desk, he checked in on Lennie. Who was being way too cheerful. Rey knew his partner, knew how Lennie hid behind his sense of humor when he hurt the most. Of course, some times it really was because he was in a good mood. But Rey could usually tell the difference. And today there was that something behind the jokes, a little extra bite to his good-natured barbs at Profaci, that set off Rey�s alarms. He was determined that nothing short of a homicide IN the precinct would keep him from their dinner plans. And for once life cooperated. Nothing new popped late in the day, so promptly at 5PM he grabbed his coat. �So Lennie, you ready for some good home cooking? Debra and the girls are dying to see you.� Lennie looked up, surprised. He�d expected a more � private � discussion. But the thought of seeing his four favorite ladies, and Debra�s wonderful cooking, won him over. �As long as it isn�t MINE, done way too much of that lately!� He followed Rey home through the rush hour mess, glad at least that he wasn�t as tired as yesterday. As they walked through the door, three miniature cannon balls swarmed them amid cries of �Daddy!� and �Uncle Lennie!� He smiled as he scooped little Serena up into his arms. It still hurt a little, but after the last time, he was determined to see it through. She squealed delightedly and hugged him as he settled her over his right hip. Debra came over and kissed his cheek, relieving him of his squirming burden. �Come on, girls, wash up for dinner.� Before long, the family was seated and wonderful food was being passed around and Lennie felt a sense of peace he�d almost forgotten could exist. To be part of a happy, normal family � It had been a long day, and Jamie was looking forward to getting home and spending some time with her daughter, Katie. She just had one more thing to take care of. �Jack? You still here? Everybody�s gone, even Adam.� Jack had been sitting in his office staring out the window, trying to avoid noticing how late it was getting. He knew what she was saying � everybody else is gone if you want to talk. Still he hesitated, as if saying it out loud would make his fears more real. But finally he turned around and saw the compassion in her eyes. He nodded toward the couch and came over to join her there. �What�s bugging you, Jack?� He sighed. �You ever been haunted by a living ghost, Jamie?� This just confused her. �I�m not sure what you mean.� �Somebody from Lennie�s past turned up this weekend.� �Oh.� She began to understand. �You ever hear of a cop named Mike Logan?� The name sounded familiar. �Wasn�t he the one who decked the councilman a few years back?� Jack nodded. �He was Lennie�s partner at the time. In more ways than one.� Well, at least his ire at the anti-gay councilman made sense. She kept quiet, waiting for him to talk. �My old man was a cop, Jamie. I know better than most what that relationship can be like. When your life depends on someone, you tend to get close. Very close. And when you add sex to the equation �� �You think you can�t keep him if Logan wants him back?� Jack shook his head, sadly. �Mike�s been out of town, just got back Saturday, got the message that Lennie had been shot. Came over and started kissing him like they never broke up. Which they never really did two years ago, after that incident with Councilman Crossley. Mike hasn�t spoken to him since, which broke his heart, then turns up and tells Lennie he�s leaving the NYPD and wants him to come along and start a new, open life together.� Jamie absorbed the story, stunned. �Did Lennie give him an answer?� �He said no. But he still keeps thinking about Mike, like he�s a drug he can�t get out of his system. I know he�s tempted, Jamie. And I know that I can�t ever be what Mike was to him. How can I possibly compete with that?� Jamie allowed herself the liberty of laying her hand on his shoulder. She had watched him this past year, first tearing himself up over the loss of Claire, then losing himself in his work to hide the fact that he had no life away from this place. She found she truly cared about him. �Jack? Maybe it�s for the best. I�ve been doing some reading. The shrinks say it almost never works when a straight man �falls� for a gay friend. Right now you�re responding because the emotions are so intense. And when you add in that he saved your life � What happens when you get past the intensity of a new relationship? Will you still be interested?� Jack sighed. �I�m not straight, Jamie. That much is clear. To me at least.� She squeezed his shoulder. �You ok with that?� He smiled. �Strangely enough, yes.� �Well, if this is what you really want then, I�m behind you, Jack. If it really makes you happy � and I�ve seen that it does. So what are you going to do about Mike?� Jack shook his head. �I�m not sure if I have to do anything. Lennie says he turned him down. I know he still has feelings for Mike. I just can�t shake this feeling that this isn�t over. Then tonight �� That had been bugging her. �Yeah, what about tonight? Where�s Lennie?� Jack shook his head. �Having dinner with his current partner. I know I shouldn�t be jealous, but � it�s that damned partner thing again.� Even as he said it, he realized how foolish it was. Jamie squeezed his arm again. �Jack, you know better �� He nodded. �Yeah. I probably wouldn�t think twice if it weren�t for this thing with Mike. But right now it�s bugging the shit out of me.� Jamie sighed and shook her head. �You know what I think? I think you two need to talk, and you�re just annoyed because you can�t do it right away. Let it go, Jack. You two have been pretty constant companions since this all started. It�s ok to take a night off. Go to the gym, work off some of that restless energy, then go home and relax. Read something not in a law book for a change.� Jack chuckled. �Now there�s a thought �� Jamie joined in the laugh. �Good. Now let�s get out of here already!� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a boisterous family dinner, Debra took the girls upstairs for baths and bedtime, leaving Rey and Lennie a chance to talk. �OK, Lennie, spill. What�s on your mind?� Lennie sighed. �I hardly know where to start.� Rey grinned. �Well, how about telling me who he is.� A raised eyebrow. �You sure you want to know? Cause you�re never gonna believe me.� �Try me.� �McCoy.� Rey tried very hard not to let the surprise get to his face. Tried and failed. Lennie laughed. �I told you.� �The man who mourned for a year for Claire. Is gay?� Lennie shook his head. �Not gay. Bi. At least that�s what he�s figuring out now.� �Figuring out now? You mean he never � before � ?� �Nope.� �Then how?� �There�s something I never told you, Rey. I�ve had a thing for him for a long time. Only one person ever knew �� �Capt. Cragen?� �Yeah. How�d you know?� �I always wondered if there was something between you two. Then he was there at the hospital �� Lennie sighed. �That�s how this all began. He was talking to me, trying to get through, said something about how he�d even be happy to hear me moaning about McCoy again just to hear my voice. Unfortunately, McCoy had just come into the room �� �And heard everything.� Lennie nodded. �Cragen told me he freaked, ran out of the hospital like a bat out of hell. But he came back, Rey. He knew how I felt, and he kept coming back. I don�t know what happened inside his head, but having time to get used to the idea made it possible.� Rey was worried. �Lennie, are you sure this is real? You saved his life. Is he confusing gratitude for love?� Lennie groaned. �Why does everybody ask that? Is it so hard to believe?� �Everybody?� Lennie sighed. �That�s where it gets complicated. Rey, � Mike turned up again Saturday.� �What?!� Curtis knew better than anybody except maybe Cragen how badly Mike had hurt Lennie. He�d never met the man himself, but even the mention of his name made Rey�s gut clench. �What did he want?� Lennie�s hands fidgeted. This was the really hard part. �He did it again, Rey. Decked a reporter this time. They offered him a disability retirement � he�s taking it. Wants me to come with him, start over somewhere. Live openly, stop hiding. Get away from the horrors of this job �� �Come on, Lennie. You�ve said you�ll do this job from your wheelchair.� �Yeah. But somehow after getting shot, it doesn�t sound so bad �� �Lennie? You seriously considering this?� �I don�t know, Rey. If it had happened a month ago, I probably wouldn�t have thought twice, I would have just been so damned glad to see him. But now � Rey, I know it sounds crazy, but I love Jack. And more, he loves me. He�s been so good to me, Rey. So gentle, so loving. I�ve never felt so � I don�t know � complete before.� �So why would you even listen to Logan?� Lennie sighed. �Because I can�t not, Rey. Ever since he stormed into the apartment Saturday morning and kissed me, I can�t get him out of my head. I keep thinking about him, dreaming about him. Even after �� His voice choked. �Oh, Rey, what I did last night �� Curtis gave him a few moments to get it together. �Lennie. What happened?� Lennie took a long, ragged breath. �Jack came over. I was so beat, hadn�t slept the night before thinking about Mike. He brought me dinner, then made love to me, long and slow, like nothing I�ve ever felt before. I told him thinking about Mike had been keeping me up. He wanted to make sure I�d be relaxed enough to go to sleep, told me he�d make me forget him. And he did. Then he tucked me in and kissed me goodnight. I think he stayed there until I fell asleep. But then I woke up this morning dreaming about Mike again � Oh, god, I feel like such a jerk!� Lennie buried his head in his hands. Rey sat there, thinking. He�d initially had reservations about McCoy, but everything he�d heard so far made the EADA sound like the best thing that could have happened to his partner. And there was no doubt in his mind that Logan�s return was the worst. He reached out and laid his hand on Lennie�s arm. �Lennie, I know what you�re feeling. Believe me, I know. But you can get over it.� Lennie looked up at him, realizing Rey was equating this with his own lapse of judgement. The one time he had cheated on Debra had nearly destroyed their marriage. Nearly. Somehow, they had managed to find forgiveness. �Why, Rey? He hurt me so bad I�m afraid get anywhere near him, but my brain just won�t let go! And yes, I�m tempted by his offer. To start again, to not have to hide, to surround myself with life instead of the scum of this city.� �OK, Lennie, one thing at a time. Mike has a powerful hold over you, he always has. Remember how messed up you were when we first met? All because of him. He was your first great love, wasn�t he?� �Rey, I was married twice �� Curtis shook his head. �Doesn�t count. You were doing what was expected, not what you wanted. Logan was the one, Lennie. You can�t change that. And Lennie � I hate to say this. You have a predisposition to addiction. I think Logan is like an addiction for you. And just like booze, he leads you to self-destructive behavior. You fell off the wagon this weekend, Lennie. It�s gonna take some time, but you can do it again. I know you can. And if he really loves you, Jack will help. Talk to him, Lennie. And stay away from Logan.� Rey�s words hit home, slamming into his consciousness with unexpected force. Addiction. Yes, this was something he understood. But there was no 12-step program for addiction to Mike Logan. But maybe there ought to be. Lennie nodded, understanding. �You may be right �� Curtis allowed himself a small smile. �Of course I�m right. Now about the other � Lennie, nothing says you have to leave town with Logan to start over. Give it some time � if this thing with McCoy is real, you can retire any time when you two decide to go public. Or not. The thing is, it�s your choice, when and if. Not his. I�d sure as heck hate to lose you as my partner, but if it�s what you need to be happy, then I�ll back you all the way. As long as it�s YOUR choice, Lennie.� He looked into his partner�s eyes and realized Rey was right. His choice. That�s what he needed right now. He needed to be the one making the decision. �Thank you, Rey,� he said softly. Curtis nodded. �So Lennie, you want some dessert?� �Nah, no room after that dinner! Actually, I think I�ll head on home. Still not up for these 20 hour days �� Rey laughed. �Yeah, you�re still on �light duty.� Only 16 hour days allowed.� They laughed as Rey walked him to the door. Just before leaving, Lennie turned and allowed himself a brief moment, reaching out to wrap his hand around Rey�s neck, thumb gently caressing his cheek. He smiled softly. �Night, Rey.� Curtis returned the smile. �Night, Lennie.� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack had taken Jamie�s advice and stopped at the gym on his way home. He realized he hadn�t been there in quite a while � he�d been getting his exercise in other, more enjoyable ways lately. He had a feeling his muscles would be complaining tomorrow. But he did feel better. Jamie had been right about the nervous energy. Once home, he decided to take the rest of her advice, scanning his bookshelves for an old friend to revisit. He remembered the book Lennie�s daughter had given him, looked for something in his collection from that author. Ah, there they were. He had quite a few. One title jumped out at him � �Time Enough for Love.� Yes, that would do nicely � He was curled up in bed reading when the phone rang. �Hello?� �Jack? It�s me �� Lennie�s voice made him feel warm and happy. �Hi, Lennie. How was dinner?� �Nice. The girls are finally convinced I�m ok again.� �Good.� �Listen, I had a long talk with Rey tonight �� �I figured that was part of it.� �Yeah. Listen, I just wanted you to know �� When Lennie�s voice trailed off, Jack prompted. �Know what, Lennie?� �I love you, Jack. I � uh, I just needed to say that �� �I love you too, Lennie. Is something wrong?� �Yeah, but I think I�ve got it figured out. Don�t worry, OK? I know this thing with Mike knocked us for a loop, but I think it�s all starting to make sense now. We�ll talk tomorrow, OK?� Jack didn�t know whether to be worried or not. But he could hear how tired Lennie sounded. �OK, Lennie. Tomorrow. Promise.� �Thanks, Jack. Love you. G�night.� �Night, Lennie.� Continue to Chapter 5 Return to the Story Index Send me some feedback Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just borrowing them for fun, not profit. |
| Another Andrew Lloyd Weber song, this one from �Phantom of the Opera� Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime Say you need me with you, now and always promise me that all you say is true - Promise me, that's all I ask of you |
| All I Ask of You |
| Chapter 4 |