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| NAME: Jen NICKNAME: "Taz" HOOKED-UP: 1991 NOTEWORTHY: Just about everyone has had "that first love"...which differs from "that first big crush" in how what you feel is mutual between yourself and the person whom is the object of your desires & emotions. Jen was that for me. After having dated girls who were plain and not really all that attractive to me, Jen was the first female I hooked up with that I was very strongly attracted to. To me, it felt like after toiling in "the minor leagues of dating" by having spent time with mediocre girlfriends, "the major leagues" had been reached via someone I found really attractive, and who was also attracted to me in return. She would also be the first of many girlfriends I was destined to meet through my association with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. TOBY & I were attending a local RHPS regularly at the Woodland Hills GCC (R.I.P) in early 1991. Being new to the scene, and enthusiastic about the concept of audience participation, it required some time to realize that a certain young lady in the Saturday night cast had taken a liking to me. But thankfully, once this became apparent, the process of us getting together took much less time. Jen had performed as Magenta (pictured above) the first few times I'd seen her at the show. The attractiveness of that RHPS character, those domestic maid uniforms and Jen's own features alone combined to present the most desirable image ever offered up to me via a potential girlfriend. Seeing how she later appeared as a Columbia didn't impress me much; but dressed plainly & normally, her attractiveness to me was unmistakable. And then there was that first time I picked her up for a date... Wow! With her hair out, down & long, makeup nicely enhancing her already lovely face and a simple outfit of tight jeans and a casual-yet-sexy long-sleeved shirt... Upon first seeing her like that, it was almost as if being struck down; but in a good way. No doubt about it: I was in love. For the next several weeks, we saw one another every other day; often spent Friday & Sunday evenings together; and of course, were performing on Saturdays at the same show...for she had talked me into joining cast and becoming The Criminologist--which was my first part & position in Rocky Horror, becoming my signature role for the next 3+ years. While there had been some sexual occurrences with previous girlfriends, Jen was a major step up in this area as well...for we did more things, more often, in more ways & places than what had transpired with all my ex-girlfriends combined. And after only a few weeks of being together, she was confessing her love for me; something that immediately justified the love I already felt for her. Life was good. Ahhh; to be young, dumb & full o'cum. If only I had better awareness back then. Falling in love too quickly is equivalent to fools rushing into marriage. Being in love at such an age, with someone whom is still quite young herself, is just beggin' for trouble. But in retrospect, even after all these years, while I realize the love we had was not perfect--and far from ideal, it was still very real for me. I'd fallen in love with her, and fallen hard. On the other hand, she felt something thought to be love, which eventually faded... thus proving it wasn't love at all. Staying true to form, I was once again the novelty that wore off; and after a mere 11 weeks together, she broke up with me. Subsequently breaking my heart. Much as those months in the wake of that failed relationship remain absolutely the most emotionally painful time ever experienced in my entire life, they also provided me with a lot of alone time to ponder my darkest thoughts; who I am, what I was, which ways I had changed, how I'd fallen & why. At its best, it was the point where I learned some of the harshest lessons a person can get in life; at its worst, it was the only time when I felt suicidal. I think what bothered me the most is how my freedom--something that had always been cherrished with pride--suddenly felt more like a curse than a blessing. I resented the fact that what happened to me was a direct result of having made someone else the center of my universe. Being a firm believer of integrity, I have always concluded that a person should be whom they are without changing for--or allowing themselves to be altered by--someone else. When that happens, it contradicts the point of any person being an independent adult. You can't be "complete" with someone else until you are complete all by yourself. These are only a few of the things I learned from that dark, lengthy, depressing time. While it would be giving her too much credit to say she "ruined my life," it is reasonable to state that Jen certainly had a part in changing it. So much can be learned from such an intense experience...about how people are, and the world in general. Most important is what you learn about yourself: what pains can be endured, and how you move on from it afterwards. In the wake of that relationship, I became very cynical; utterly distrusting of others. The notion of falling in love was something I pushed out of my mind and wouldn't even consider. The word itself is used too frequently as it is, thus causing for it to be cheapened. The emotion is something people do not understand, but still continue to fuck with like stupid children lighting books of matches. That experience--coupled with another painful break-up years later--is what helped bring about a conclusion that love is not for me. It also became a belief of mine (regarding the "third time's a charm" theory) that if I ever fell in love again, it will be what saves me... Or ultimately kills me. As for Jen... I don't know what actually happened to her. There were a few, painful occasions where I saw her at a cast party, Rocky shows, etc. The best thing that could be done for myself is what I honestly tried to do: put as much distance between her & me as was possible. This meant not calling her or being at the same places/events--which wasn't easy, considering how we shared many acquaintances, and both visited RHPS whenever we could. Thankfully for me, I remained on the scene whereas she soon faded away from it. I heard as recently as 2000 that she had left & returned to California once or twice; wasn't in very good shape mentally or emotionally; and for the most part, isn't the person she used to be. For all intents & purposes, I wish her the best. Just as long as she stays away from me. __________________________ |