| Dear Diary... |
6 Jan 2005 New entry here 3 Jan 2005 MY NAME CHANGED TODAY! Oh BOY! 2 Jan 2005 Nope. Still can't sleep/eat/concentrate. Dammit. Thought I was too old for this kinda stuff :-D 31 Dec 2004 Can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate on anything. My heart is racing a million miles per hour. Strange times, let me tell you. Something's in the air, that much I must admit. HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone! Hope the year 2005 brings as much of adventure and new things to you as it is bringing to me. 29 Dec 2004 I'm dead tired. I was supposed to have this week off of work but had to drag my fat ass there today *sigh* Although I'm really tired, I can't stop smiling. Even my co-workers noticed that. I simply could NOT stop smiling. Strange smile-syndrome I've got. Yes, hmmm, must be all the dust I inhaled ysterday when I destroyed that bookcase of mine. 28 Dec 2004 Mission "demolish bookcase" accomplished. Been packing most of the day. PHEW, it's kinda hard and little sentimental.. After all I've lived here for 7 years... Oh well, new adventures await! Apparently I should visit Tasmania as well? I think I have to add that on my "to do" list. Bless my best friend Teemu's heart, he asked if I would mind if he came to the airport when I leave... IF I WOULD MIND?!?!?!? Oh PLEASE, I need someone to hold me together when I fall apart at the airport! And as I know, he'll start crying at some point and so will I... so it's nicer to at least have someone to cry with, right? Besides, I need someone to take my winter coat when I departure as I won't be needing it in Australia :-D 27 Dec 2004 This has been the BEST day I've had for a long long time. Really. Mark my words.:) Oh, guess what I got today! MY TICKETS TO OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 21 Dec 2004 Today I'll start throwing stuff out from my flat and tomorrow I'll get my boxes and start packing them.... Ooooh it's going to be sooo much work, I can just tell...! I hate moving. 1 PM OH MY GAWD! Just got a letter from internal disease clinic! They WILL take me in! I'll have some sort of a blood pressure-machine attached to my body for 24 hours which takes my BP every 15 minutes! Then I'll also have a cardiogram taken and see the specialist for internal medicine in January. Should I be worried that I'm in bad enough a shape to be taken in...? My own doctor didn't believe they would...! Oh well! It's a wonderful feeling when I'm being taken SERIOUSLY! This would be the first time ever that has happened (as many of you might remember what hell I went through with my injured back). 19 Dec 2004 Well this is as close to a BLISS as anyone can get. I'm listening to Crowded House/Finn Bros./ Betchadupa/ Neil Finn and it hit me... I was SO destined to do this whole exchange thingy :) I don't give a toss about the flight anymore...! Besides, I had a dream last night... I had this guy holding my hand while my plane took off.. It's the FIRST time I took off and the plane didn't crash in my dream.... So now I'm certain everything will go smoothly. And I gave in... I bought a few X-mas presents... Dammit.... 16 Dec 2004 It's 3.50AM. Been up for a couple hours already. E-mailed to Australia a few times arranging my arrival and visa stuff. I love my contact person Tennille, she has assured me that I'm not too blond to enter the country and she's been SO helpful with everything you have no idea :) It just hit me and this is why I can't sleep. I AM FUCKING GOING TO AUSTRALIA! It's not "somewhere there in the future"... It really REALLY is happening... And when you recall HOW it all began... I wasn't even supposed to apply to Australia, I wanted to go to an European country (shorter flight). But ohhhh nnnooooo, Hanne insisted on applying to Australia. And what happened? They picked me. Silly silly people. Still don't know what they were thinking. "Oh I know, let's take the girl who wanted to see kangaroos and stalk Neil and Liam Finn!" I think I still owe it all to Hanne. Crap. She's the one who should be going, not me. :( Oh well,I think I'll be just fine in Down Under... They'll never know what hit them....! 8.30pm This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I'm starting to get attached to my co-workers and it's KILLING me that I can't tell them WHY I can't sleep at nights, WHAT exactly is going on in my head, WHY I'm so stressed out... Like today, one co-worker really opened her heart to me and I just wanted to tell her EVERYTHING in exchange and simply couldn't. And she thinks I'm an angel as I try to support, listen and help her even though we don't know each other so well... And she knows NOTHING about my life as it is right now. IT IS KILLING ME!!! These people are becoming my friends and I'm dying inside because of it. I hate this feeling. I feel as if I were a fake. 15 Dec 2004 Thought of the morning: There's a fine line between an infantuation and an obsession. The first makes you feel flattered, the other one makes you feel FUCKING STRANGLED. Guess which feeling I have right now?Oh let me give you a hint, it ain't the first one. Thought of the afternoon: someone up there really fucking hates me today. I'm flat broke as I'm trying to get things together for Oz and now that the WIND SUCKED OUT A 5� NOTE FROM MY WALLET just 10 minutes ago, I almost bursted into tears. It just flew away so fast I couldn't even see where it went. I FUCKING HATE HAKANIEMI'S WINDY CONDITIONS! Thought of the evening: I JUST BOOKED MY FLIGHT!!!! I also wrote a letter to my landlord to inform him I'm moving out, arranged some boxes for my Big Move Out and filled in a million application forms concerning my exchange. My throat is sore and my head hurts. 14 Dec 2004 Had a hysterical English class today. Don't know WHY, but our teacher sometimes gets very racy when me and Hanne are present. Though the subject is Global Economy, we always end up talking about sex, viagra, booze, weapons or cars. After school I took a lunch with Hanne and poured my heart out about EVERYTHING that is bothering me at the moment. I realized I hadn't done that for a while and it made me feel so much better. Thanks Hanne, DAMN I'm going to miss you... Thank God I have Jakob :-D And thanks for updating your pages :) Let's do budget shopping later this week, alright? 13 Dec 2004 8.00AM Having a tough day today. First I'm off to school for a QUARTER OF AN HOUR... It's SO worth of paying the train ticket *sigh*. Then I'm having lunch with my mom somewhere and in the afternoon I'll be glued to my phone. My doctor is calling me and everyone keeps telling me I should call them as soon as I know something. HOW COULD I....? If it's bad news, I'll probably be so shattered all I can do is cry. If the news are neutral and the doc orders more tests, there's nothing to tell and if there are some good news, what is the point of calling everyone...? To tell things are ok but yet I need to get on medication...? Ok... So I'll call everyone if everything's alright and I don't need those pretty pretty pills. In case you don't hear from me, I'll probably only call Teemu and let him be my spokesperson. Sooo... Here I go.... First stop: school. 3PM Yep, it sure was worth it going to school today... NOT! But the pay cheque thingy is now in order (ARGH) and YES the doctor called... And check this out: my heart, lungs and other organs were ok, my blood samples were clear, thyroid was ok, cholesterol was BRILLIANT (she was almost gasping cos she was so excited about this, hahahaha), and this one test where the actual salt level in my eaten food was calculated, was so brilliant she was almost shouting it out loud. She said she rarely sees this sort of results, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I COULD DO BETTER!!! *proud smile* So, as my blood pressure is still quite high, I might see an internal medical specialist to consult my condition. I might not have to though, 'cos my blood pressure isn't THAT alarming.... Yet, that is. We'll see how it goes.... I'll keep you updated! I'm so happy I could CRY! Thanks again Teemu for the support, I needed it... badly! Other than that (i'm in a talkative mood today, I see) I got the official welcome letter from Ballarat... Ooooooh, FANCY...! 11 Dec 2004 Just got the sweetest e-mail from Judith. Thanks darling! Miss you awfully much and I'd die happy if I could see you soon and have a good ole' heart-to-heart. Lately I've thought a lot about my life in London and Bloxham... It could be because I'm leaving soon to Australia and it sort of brings memories about my earlier times I've been abroad all alone... I wonder if I'll ever meet people like Ceren, Steve, Judith, Aur�lie or Frank again.... Special people I will love for the rest of my life. Am I too old? Have I run out of luck when it comes to meeting new people I have a connection with...? |
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