I hope your feeling better then i am, lots of love lauX
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| 14 /4 /2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Hello!, Today has not been a good day...to be honest im really angry and stressed! i woke up to the sound of my mother crying to my sister. She's worried about my nan. (my nan has terminal cancer of the esophigues -not sure you spell it like that?!) unknown to my nan though is that it has actually spread to her stomach aswell which pretty much mean its downhill from here. So when my nan get pains, or keeps being sick, cant eat or drink she cant understand that its the cancer spreading faster and tells my mum that the meds are not workin. My nan doesnt grasp the fact that she is not going to get better its TERMINAL and the pills wont be able to help her like they used too. I hate that my nan has to go through this and that i cant help her in anyway, she crys a lot these days...she was ment to be coming down for easter but shes not up to it, she cant really walk anymore without getting dizzy and being sick. It get hard to watch people you love loose hope and sink deeper and deeper into depression (hypocritical i know). My nan is one of the funiest people i know, she's great ive always thought so and i guess im just angry at myself for not being able to stop everyone from crying or being able to heal her, surly if i loved her enought i could?!?. I crack the odd joke and i get a laugh now and then but after a while its effects ware of and you know everyone is back to thinking about the enevitable...my nan is going to die and it is going to be painful. My mum is not really handleing it well and my aunt is under even more stress because my uncle has a very very bad heart, he is having the op this week he was ment to be in hospital ever since he kept having heart attacks to minimis any stress, the doctors say any one of them could kill him because his heart is in such a bad way. Even though he is going to have the op his heart is still gonna be in terrible condition because most of the damage is iriversible. So you can imagen what the atmosphere is like at the moment. I got exams coming up and my driving theory test tomorrow at one, i havent got a clue about theory! i cant really focus on it either at the moment, to much stuff in my head. I hate seeing people cry it hurt so much, i which i could make people laugh all the time...im just good enough. I hope your feeling better then i am, lots of love lauX |
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| 16 /4 /2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Ok im getting kinda frustrated with people! i getting stressed about exams i went through all the stuff im ment to be revising and i dont really know any of it! I burned myself last night! My uncle got rushed into hospital cause he had a heart attack but hes okay now their keeping him in and i think they are gonna operate soon! so that good. I dont know why i did burn myself...fuck it thats a lie i do know why because its great and i don't care about my new outlook on life and how i dont need to self harm cause i fucking well do and im gonna keep doing it cause it everything and it helps me live. It would be like asking me to stop breathing i cant do it! i need it! Also to the lame git who signed my guestbook saying i wasnt real well i am as it goes i pinched myself and everything im as real as you are mate! the fact that i have a none triggering site does not effect the realness of it content so i suggest you shut up! Broken girl i loves you thanks for stickin up for me babe i hope you get on track soon im here if ya need me! To all my mates last night i just wanna say thanks for trying to calm me down none of you will probably see this but it ment a lot to me so thank you! To the people who are reading this if you self harm, dont be ashamed of it, just take it step bye step and hopefully we can all learn to cope without the blood shed. I'm thinkin that my quote for the rest of the week is 'by any means necessary' i think its very apt for my attitude this week and how i intend to get through my whole revision for my oncoming exams! i will stop another day i aint ready yet. Lots oh hugs lauXX | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| 21 /4 /2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Well today was pretty cool as it goes...i have done an hour of revision which was an achievement i can tell you. I got a interview tomorrow for a job ova the summer! cool passed my theory in case i never mentioned that last tuesday which is well chuffing so im gonna do my drivin after my exam which finish like 5th of june. I had a very intresting chat with a buddy online and im having a very cool idea for where this site is going and aiming to merge it with another which is quite the opposite expect to see some changes after june the 5th it all gonna go down then! I aslso recived an odd e mail from a marketing person who wanted me to move to they web server....most odd i have no idea why the were searchin for a self harming site? do you? feel free to e mail me if you know the answer.....i cant think of anything else to say....i dont know what else to say and its getting late! sooooo i guess this is a sort one peace and love lau xxxx |
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| 29/05/2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Im sorry i havent updadted of late but i have been really busy revising, working seen my nan, and being ill...it been a hard month! lol however it has also been an enlightening one aswell and i would like to thank my bestestfriend in the whole world for stickin by me. I truly beleive that she understands me and the amazing thing is she is still by my side. This week as kinda been confusing and made my head hurt but i think all matters have been resolved even if they may not be the tidyest of knots i think it is all tied safly enough!. I have me next exam on the 6th that is for R.S. the last bit of self harm i have done was on a saturday when i punched a wall...i i remain happy to say i think my self harming has come to an end and have finally found out who i am at this very point in time now i just have to get used to my roles as they have changed but i think it is quite a comfy one! i think i have faild all my exams but i dont really care i will just resit them...i am at the moment kinda ill but i think im getting ova it! so i will hopefully be able to got to work and make some money! yeh baby yeh! right well im off and i dont know when i will be back as i dont think im gonna be self harming as much! think pink lauX |
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| hello new entry i aint marked it up cause i cant be assed but yeh any how i have learnt that the only person you can rely on is yourself because people are fake and they say one thing then to other ppl change it.... they are attention seeking and they cant keep a fuckin secret at fuckin all. I aing fuckin self harming anymore cause i feel no need to inflict my angre on myself when it is other ppl who need to be hurt not me ive had it! im sick of being there for a person who is never fuckin really there for me HAD IT UP TO FUCKIN HERE so yeh thats where i am right now! peace | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||