<So often sites like ours have lots of information and support for the Self - Injurer themself but nothing for the family and frriends, hence why we have included this page>
This page is split over a few pages within the site, as their is too much information for one
As has been mentioned before SI is an isolated and secretive behavior. Whether or not you discuss it, it exists. Ignoring self-injury does not make it go away. It may actually cause more damage, because, first of all, ignoring SI actually may help reinforce the feeling of shame surrounding the behavior. Many people who SI feel that what they do is so shameful that talking about it is a taboo. So, basically, the secrecy and feelings of shame are strengthened. Second, it can add to the factors that lead to self-injury. When communication is weak, there may be an increase in feelings of isolation and alienation- feelings that often precede an act of SI. So, therefore, by not talking about SI, you might actually increase the chances of your friend or family member hurting themselves again.
Talking about self-injury is important. That may be a good start to helping a person who hurts themselves. You can remove the shame and secrecy associated with SI. And, you encourage communication between you and the SI'er. You help create change just by talking.
Something that might stop you is that you might not know what to say. Even though you might not know what to discuss, just be acknowledging that you want to talk opens up communication channels. Here are some questions and topics you might want to address:
"How long have you been hurting yourself?"
"Why do you hurt yourself?"
Do you hurt yourself?"
"When and where do you usually hurt yourself?"
"How often do you injure yourself?"
"How did you learn to hurt yourself?"
"What is it like for you to talk with me about hurting yourself?"
"Does it hurt when you injure yourself?"
"How open are you about your self-injurious behaviors?"
"Do you want to change your SI behaviors?"
"How can I help you with your SI?"
But Don't...
Don't keep asking questions if the self-injurer does not wish to talk about their self-injury. This is intrusive and unwelcome. This may cause even further alienation, make them feel even more alone and isolated. The SI'er may eventually open up to you but this will be when and where they want to. Just, make sure they know that you are willing to talk and to listen to them and that you will try to be understanding and judgemental. Until then, don't pressure them.
Do Be Available- Within Limits
Most people who hurt themselves will do so when they are alone, so the more time you spend with the self-injurer the less chances they'll have to SI. This is not saying that it will eliminate the behavior all-together. Offering your company and support can decrease the chances of SI.
For many people who hurt themselves it is difficult to express or even recognize what they need. So, it is helpful to volunteer the ways in which you are willing to help. This way your friend will know when and in what ways they can rely on your aid.
Forming boundaries may be necessary for you in any situation with a self-injurer. Boundaries are "the limits you place on yourself and others in interpersonal relationships- ground rules, in effect. They help you know what you can expect from others and what others can expect from you." Some self-injurers have trouble with boundaries, possible due to events such as trauma and abuse. So as a result they might break your boundaries Because of this you might need to set and maintain clear and consistent limits with them. For example, if you are not willing to take crisis calls after midnight, then tell them. This way they know what to expect, what help is available to them. That way you help form a clear and consistent relationship. But of course there are exceptions in extreme cases.
Don't Discourage Self-Injury
"Telling an individual to not injure him- or herself is both aversive and condescending." SI is a way of coping for some people, a final attempt to relieve emotional pain. Many SI'ers wouldn't hurt themselves if there was another way. And even though there are negative effects they keep on doing it, which shows that often it is necessary for their survival. By making even the most casual of comments indicating that you want the self-injurer to stop their behavior you risk damaging your relationship with them and any communication you might have. Your friend or relative will continue to hurt themselves as long as they feel it's necessary- whatever you say will not stop this. But the amount of secrecy and shame surrounding their behavior will grow.
Also, some people who self-injure actually hurt themselves even more in reaction to demands that they stop their behavior. "By imposing your limits on another, you create the potential for failure. Thus, some who self-injure will increase their SI behaviors in order to feel as if they have a choice about and control over these actions.
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