Chapter 10

 

 

 

William lay on his side studying the woman sleeping a scant few inches away from him.

 

All it would take would be an arm reached out to pull her up flush against him. But he didn’t instead he watched her sleep.

 

He’d never had the opportunity before. Mostly because besides the sex they had never actually shared a bed… and then there was the fact that he normally had raced away as fast as his legs could carry him once he realized what he was doing.

 

He imagined that it was karma now. It was the only answer… something was definitely kicking him in the ass for all the times that he’d run away from her. Because now that he had her where he’d wanted her for the past several months nothing was happening.

 

Of course part of that was the fact that she was unconscious, and even when she was conscious she was so weak that she needed help walking across the room.

 

But when he’d thought about having her back in his bed while she’d been gone he was man enough to admit that he’d envisioned it much, much differently.

 

He’d thought there’d be no barriers between them, no clothes… there’d be whispered admissions of love and desire.

 

There’d be sex.

 

At the very least he’d thought she’d be awake… because he finally wanted all the things that he’d claimed to hate that they used to do together minus the violence and the hatred this time.

 

He wanted that really amazing thing she used to do with her tongue. The one that used to have him gasping for air, shuddering under her.

 

Wanted to have her wrapped around him, holding him, whispering how much she loved him in his ear as he came inside her.

 

But all of that was put on hold because Buffy wasn’t really up to anything more strenuous then lounging at this point.

 

Reaching out one hand he fingered a strand of hair that had fallen across her cheek as she slept. As he smoothed it back out of the way her brow wrinkled and she sighed quietly burrowing deeper into her pillow, smiling slightly. With a smile on his face now he stroked her cheek.

 

Even with everything else she remembered his touch.

 

They had talked for an hour, Buffy putting away the sandwich that she scowled at and the chips within minutes then curling up on the edge of the bed. Her blankets wrapped tightly around her once more he had pulled up one of the chairs beside her and continued telling her all that he knew.

 

And she had listened intently if not disbelieving.

 

He didn’t even think she was aware that he had been touching her hand the entire time he had told her everything that Giles had found out.

 

And if she had been amazed that he was being honest with her, was telling her the truth she never said a word. He had gone to fill her water glass and when he’d come back she had been sound asleep.

 

So he’d pulled on his sweats, turned off all the lights save the bathroom and laid in the bed beside her, keeping a safe distance between them as he stared at the ceiling.

 

Sometimes he thought his relationship with her had been much easier when they had been trying to kill each other.

 

It had been her movements that caused him to move across the bed towards her at first, her sleep had been agitated, moans coming from deep within her throat and he had realized that she was having a nightmare almost immediately.

 

So he had moved over to her, pulling her to him, holding her tightly, rocking her until she quieted… then had moved away as she turned to face him.

 

And that’s where they were now. Facing each other, one asleep, one awake.

 

He wondered how much it would take to wake her up, then he wondered how thin the walls were and if he really wanted Dawn to hear anything.

 

If she heard even the slightest indication of funny business he could see a horrendous amount of blackmail coming his way.

 

Of course in the long run it might be worth it he decided as he felt Buffy shift next to him.

 

“Slayer?” her voice was soft and sleepy as her eyes slowly opened.

 

“I’m right here,” he murmured. “Go back to sleep.”

 

“What… what time is it?”

 

“Around two… we still have a couple hours… Giles’ll call when it’s time to go,” he whispered rolling onto his back, just a little surprised when Buffy followed him.

 

Laying one arm over his chest, a leg thrown over his, head on his shoulder she settled into him comfortably even as he fought to contain the tremble that ran through him at that heat emanating from her body.

 

It had suddenly become quite obvious how human his lover was.

 

Lazily she ran her hand over his stomach, tracing uneven circles and lines as they lay there in companionable silence for the first time in memory.

 

It took a moment for it to register… that as relaxed as he was… she wasn’t. In fact as they continued to lay there he could feel more and more tension emanating from her small frame.

 

“Buffy? Are you alright?” he tilted his head slightly to look down at her.

 

“I’m fine pet,” she said softly. “It’s just… usually nows ‘bout the time that you run away.”

 

“I told you I wasn’t running anymore… I may not know where this is going or where it’s all going to end up. But I’m not going to flee screaming into the night.”

 

“Right,” her voice was filled with disbelief and he tried not to sigh. But then another thought hit him and he had to wonder how he hadn’t thought of it before.

 

“Do you still love me?”

 

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he wanted to recall them. This so wasn’t the time to be feeling insecure in her feelings for him. But it had just hit him that whereas before he hadn’t ever been able to get her to shut up about how much she loved him since she had been back the words had not been uttered from her mouth once.

 

Her hand stilled over his stomach, hovering there slightly before coming to rest on the t-shirt that he’d worn with his sweats. Her posture once more became rigid.

 

“What?”

 

“Forget it,” he muttered. “It’s not important.”

 

“No… you,” twisting she propped herself on his stomach so she could stare down at him. In the darkness of the room she could just barely make out his features but the worry was unmissable in his eyes. “You think I don’t love you?”

 

“Well… you haven’t said it since you came back, not once.”

 

“Sorry luv… was ‘aving a bit of a case of amnesia remember?”

 

“Yeah… but even, last night you never said it. When I told you that I was willing to try this… relationship thing finally.”

 

Resting her chin on his chest, her face close to his she peered at him silent for a long while as she studied him. Probably to determine if he was joking or serious.

 

When she finally did speak her voice was soft but cool.

 

“What do you want me to say Slayer?”

 

“I want you to be honest with me.”

 

“You want me to be ‘onest with you,” the laugh that issued from between her lips was harsh and slightly bitter. “If we’re being ‘onest with each other Slayer that’s the last thing you wanted me to be with you.”

 

“You know what, lets just forget I said anything,” William muttered preparing to sit up, he was startled when Buffy’s arms held him back down to the bed. “Wha…?”

 

“You know what Slayer… you’ve ‘ad your say, now I think its time I ‘ad mine,” she began grimly.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Don’t you? Last night you said all the right words, pretty words in fact. Words that I used to dream about ‘earing from you, words I knew that you’d never in a million years ever say to me. And I accepted it, I dealt with it the best way I could.”

 

“Then why?”

 

“I’m not finished yet… Back before we split up you never wanted to ‘ear it Slayer, in fact every time I said the words you refuted them… said I couldn’t love without a soul and all that nonsense. After we stopped sleepin’ together you sure as ‘ell didn’t want to be seen with me, let alone ‘ear what I ‘ad to say, what I was feelin’. Just because I was a demon didn’t mean I didn’t ‘ave feelin’s you know… Clem should ‘ave been a prime example of that.”

 

“I know that…”

 

“You ‘urt me Slayer. Even as bad as Angelus could be ‘e never treated me as if I was dirt. I let you do things to me that I would never ‘ave allowed Angelus to do. I let you ‘urt me, I let you use me… and I didn’t much care because it meant that I ‘ad you. But that’s not enough anymore, I want more than pretty words and sex, I want the whole package.”

 

“You want me to say I love you.”

 

“I want you to admit the truth if not to anyone else than at the very least to yourself. And since we’re being perfectly ‘onest with each other I know you don’t love me. I know that as certainly as I know that if you were ever to say the words to me they’d be a lie.”

 

“You can’t know that.”

 

“But I do… why is it okay for you to try a relationship with me now William, when it obviously wasn’t okay before? The only difference between then and now is the fact that now I’m human.”

 

“That has nothing to do with this,” William mumbled quietly. “How I feel about you started way before I even knew you were still… alive.”

 

“Pretty words pet,” Buffy shook her head sliding away from him, sitting up in the bed she stared down at him. “You don’t know me, you never even tried to know me when I was just Buffy the vampire. Now that I’m Buffy some sort of Slayer it’s all okay for you to learn all that stuff you never took the time to learn before. This person that I am now, she’s the same person I was before; nothing about me has changed besides the fact that I’m alive.”

 

“So what? You’re saying you don’t care anymore, you don’t love me at all,” William said in disbelief as he swung his legs off the bed coming to his feet abruptly.

 

“I’ll always love you Slayer, you’re inside me, you burn me with everything that you are, with your life but that’s not enough anymore. This… thing we’ve ‘ad, it’s been one-sided the entire time we’ve known each other. I know you inside and out, I know your likes, your dislikes, your enemies are my enemies, I’ve fought by your side. I watched you die. We’ve ‘ad our fair share of problems, like the fact that I’ve tried to kill you, force myself on you, but aside from all that,” William watched with carefully blank eyes as she slid out of the bed moving around it to stand before him. “What ‘ave you done for me? Besides not killing me?”

 

“I…” shutting his eyes he turned his head away from her. He’d never done anything for her, even taking her in when she’d been chipped had been more for the information she had on the Initiative then any true desire to help the obviously helpless vampiress. “So you’re saying that there’s nothing left for us, you don’t want me.”

 

She sighed softly, so softly that he thought for a moment that he had imagined it, then he felt her hands cup his face. Fingers lightly stroking his cheeks she waited for him to open his eyes and stare down at her.

 

“I’ll always want you, I’ll always love you,” she traced her thumb over his lips as she continued. “I won’t say the words again though, not until you can say them back to me.”

 

“And what if that never happens, what if I can’t…”

 

“Then it doesn’t happen. You don’t force love it just is.”

 

“I want to love you Buffy, I do. I just… don’t know if I can.”

 

“I’m not askin’ for miracles, all I’m askin’ for is that you try. If you can’t love me then you can’t, eventually it’ll be to much and we’ll both walk away. But I’m bettin’ that you can love me eventually, all you need is time… to see me for who I am not what I was.”

 

“I do see you who for who are,” he protested weakly.

 

“Do you now?” she smiled softly up at him. “Maybe you do, we’ll find out I guess.”

 

“So what? How is this going to work? We talk, date, what?”

 

“We talk,” she murmured lowering her hands to his hips her eyes fastened to his. “We’ll date someday when we’re not on the run from the Council. You don’t act ashamed of me in front of your friends.”

 

“What about…?” William flinched slightly as her felt her press the line of her body tightly to his, the slight movement causing certain parts of his anatomy to stiffen and wave hello at the woman they hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing in quite some time.

 

“Sex,” she smirked.

 

“Yeah,” he flushed silently willing everybody to stand down.

 

“We’ll see how things go… besides I don’t know if you’ve noticed it yet but I’m human now.”

 

“Kind of hard to miss Buffy.”

 

“Well I don’t normally carry protection with me… how about you? You are a guy after all.”

 

“Protection?” he gazed at her blankly.

 

“You know protection,” she said meaningfully stressing the word. When he just continued to stare blankly at her she rolled her eyes at him. “Sometimes Slayer I really worry about you. Condoms luv, I know it’s been a while since you were with a ‘uman girl but still I don’t think much has changed since then.”

 

“Oh… oh…” his widened. “No,” his voice squeaked. “Don’t have any.”

 

“Then I guess that would be a great big no to sex then,” she sighed dramatically before glancing back at him mischievously. “We could make out though.”

 

 

 

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