| This page is dedicated to seven of the greatest people I have ever met. Angi, Dan, Fritz, Mark, Doug, Elvin, and Gene. You know who you are. Without the input of these people into my life, I would never truly understand and appreciate the the victory and freedom that Jesus has given us. I'm still looking for good visual for this. But one day this will be my picture here. |
| One night, sometime in early April, I was sleeping and I awoke around 3:00 in the morning. I was excited for some reason, it was not that foreboding sense of excitement where you think something is wrong in world, "my spider senses were not tingling", but I had a real sense that God wanted to do something. There was this one mental image and thought that kept going through my mind. I would see a mental picture of a man dancing with all his might for Jesus and the thought that kept running through my mind was "God I want to dance for you". I prayed that night "God, I want to dance for you. You have put this desire in my heart and my spirit, you have made me this way. My people have always been dancers. God, I want to worship you by dancing before you with all my might. I want to dance around the fire." I had a hard time getting back to sleep that night, because I am sure that God heard the passion of my plea and the cry of my heart. I don't know what exactly the Spirit said to me that night, but it was something to the effect of 'bring it on, boy" or "let it rip". Not exactly biblical, but hey, very encouraging nonetheless. When I was in DaySpring Ministries, a Spirit-filled First Nations church, we would have these things called revivals or camp meetings. A camp meeting or revival is basically a week of services, where evangelists and musicians are brought in and everyone has a good time worshipping the Lord with singing, shouting, clapping, loud music, testimonies, and dancing in the Spirit. We would travel around Saskatchewan going to these camp meetings and revival services and every now and then, I would dance in the spirit. When I danced, I let loose with all that I had within me. I would be tired and soaked with sweat, but I didn't care because it felt so refreshing. I loved to dance for the Lord, but I always felt self-concious about it, so it took alot to get me going. I would wonder to myself "does this look like powwow dancing?" (A controversial issue where I'm from) But when the Spirit became too overwhelming for me, I could not hold myself back and I had to let loose and dance with all my might. Something happened along the way, I can't pinpoint any specific time or place, I can't point to any event but somewhere I lost the passion and the desire to dance with all my might. Eventually, I stopped dancing for the Lord. I did not dance for the Lord for years, I don't know when was the last time. I would feel the urge every now and then, but I would suppress it. I felt too much shame in it and in my life, I could not let loose and dance with all my might. I would think and say stuff like " I can't do that anymore, I'm too big" (physically big) or "that's not for me". I truly had no passion for it. I was quenching it, I was dousing the fire. No fire, No dance. I went to this Survivors of Abuse Leadership Training Seminar (SALTS for short) in May. I didn't know what I was going for, I was so in the dark about the whole thing. The seminar sounded interesting and it was chance to get away from Regina (the most beautiful city on the planet, by the way). I went to SALTS fully expecting it to be another workshop or conference where I would go and get a whole bunch information, bring it back home and maybe some of it would apply to the ministry. Thank God, I was so totally wrong about what was taking place during this seminar. They place me in this room full of strangers, strangers at the time, (not any stranger than you, Dave) and I'm supposed to tell my story. You can't imagine the amount of anxiety, fear, and pressure I felt. I'm supposed to tell these people "my story" , tell them things I have never told anybody, about the abuse and hurt my brother, my dad, my grandfather, and others put me through. Oh yeah, I have to do it in ten minutes. When it comes time for me to share, I just start crying. Man, I'm struggling to maintain my composure just so I can get through telling my story in an understandable way and I share secrets I have carried around for years. At the time, it was one of the most difficult things I had ever done in my life. It felt good to be able unload some of these deep secrets I had kept hidden for years and I thought I was being very open and honest about myself, I felt I was giving a good effort to the whole process. Once again, I was so totally wrong, thank God. After a couple of days of talking about issues and entering into the stories of the other members, I began to get upset. But hey I'm a nice guy, I don't lash out in anger in fact I do the opposite, I retreat, I dissaccociate. Well you don't get away with that in a SALTS conference, and I couldn't get away with that in the small group. Everytime I talked or shared, it seemed every would turn on me and start putting my words back into my face and they would be challenging me to think, to feel. I thought I was doing my best to be open and honest, I just want to put my two cents in and contribute to the process. Well this whole group thing is putting me under stress and when I get under stress I get scatterbrained, I can't think straight or clearly. It takes me time to process stuff. I think I'm making progress and I think the group can see it, but they want it all. It was thursday morning (I think) and I was telling them about my long range, in the future plan to deal with my issues. Then they began to say "we don't see it, if you can't do it here in the safety of this group how are you going to be able to do it when you get back to your own environment where you have never done it?" (Ouch) Gene said it would be like "jumping off a cliff". (Well, let me tell you I'm able to leap tall buildings in a single bound) Then the group began to ask me about risk and they tell me that I'm not all in, I'm not giving them my heart. "What do they want from me?". I was confused and I left that group session feeling mad. "What do they mean I'm not giving them my all, I'm doing my best." |
| Why we dance: to dance is to pray, to pray is to heal, to heal is to give, to give is to live, to live is to dance. |
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