dancing2

I did not realize it, or maybe I did not want admit it, but I lived in fear. Afraid of confrontation, afraid to get involved, afraid to say what I think, afraid of flying, afraid of the dentist, afraid of the barber (cuz I would have to talk to him or her), afraid of being exposed for the liar I was, afraid of being found out and I would lose it all. That night we had another group session and I really wasn't myself. All the worms were on the floor, I seen the mess that I was, that my life was. My eyes were finally open to the lie I had been living and to all the damage I was doing to others. I realized I was being just as abusive as my abusers were to me. I did not do it the same way as them, but I seen and understood that "I have hurt alot of people". (I am so sorry for it all) . My eyes were open and I seen my enemy, my core issue. His name was fear.

I went to the group that night fully expecting to let them see my heart. God had other plans. We didn't get to discuss my issues that night and I really wasn't involved as I should have been. The group left for the night and as I was on the way out, Angi stops me and asks if I was all right. Obvioiusly I wasn't and for the first time I was able to look someone in the eye and tell them the truth. "No, I don't think I'm all right, all the worms are the floor, but we'll come back to it tommorrow" is what I said.

I went to the group the next morning and of course the first issue we discuss is me and the reason I was so out of it the night before. Well I grabbed my heart and I put it out there for everyone to see. I was able to look everyone in the eye and confess my faults and share with them my heart. Fear was no longer going to run my life, I was going to risk it all. I had to start with the group and this group of strangers, who were now friends, listened and rejoiced with me because I had won a great victory. I wanted to dance around the fire, right then and there, in my heart I was already. I was changed person, I had won victory over my greatest enemy, not only that I knew how to keep the victory. I had reason to dance, but I didn't. Wrong locale, something not quite right yet, I thought.

But the Warrior in me was alive. When I first got to SALTS, I was wounded, hurt, and down and lashing out at everyone. "Get away", "leave me alone" was my weapon of choice . I was so blind to it, but thankfully some good people helped me find my eyes. I am up now, I know my enemy and I'm ready to fight.

On the night before we left home I did the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I talked with Karen and I shared everything with her. I risked it all. I apologized to her for the countless number of times I had betrayed her in my mind. I talked about everything from childhood to today, it's not a pretty story. But I do not want to have any secrets and I resolved that "I will not live in fear". I was afraid to tell Karen everything, because I knew it meant I could lose it all. I did it anyways and I did lose it all, but found something along the way.

For me to be the man that God has made me to be, I need to put my heart out there, open, honest, vulnerable, and show people the real me, no matter what the cost may be. Repentance for me is to look people in the eye and tell them the truth.

Things are not totally perfect and probably never will be, but that's all right. I'm in the battle. I realize I have alot of restitution to make and I'm still in this recovery process. I have begun to tell others of my freedom and my victory, I tell them my story. I see that it's pushing their triggers and I'm purposely doing it, because these are my family and friends and I want them to have true victory. I want them to be all that Christ wants them to be. I want them to dance around the fire with me. I want them to have the freedom that God has for them and I want them to experience how much God loves them with all His heart, and soul, and power, and might. God only asks you to do that, because He does that. He wants you to be "all in"

Through this whole experience I learned "to deny yourself, your very existence, to be ashamed of who you are, is to deny God. You are made in the image of God. If you are ashamed of Him he will be ashamed of you."

On Wednesday night May 8,2002, I went to my little church. I went into the basement and I danced before the Lord with all my might. It felt great.

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We had free time that afternoon so I went and did some shopping. But instead of shopping, cuz I am just messed up and mad, I begin processing all that has happened during the week so far, thinking about the group process and what they were telling me, thinking about giving them my heart.

It was a beautiful sun-shiny day on thursday afternoon May 2, 2002 in the parking lot of North Shores Meijers Store in Muskegon, Michigan, while we waiting for a taxi, that I met God and it all came clear. I thought to myself "Hey!, these people are counselling me, not only that, they care about me." I began to think about the risk, about myself, about what it meant to be in all in, to show the group my heart. But not only the group, what do I risk when I tell everything to people I know, when I tell my family, my friends,, when I show them my heart. Then it dawned on me, I risk losing it all. If I tell the people I care about, everything, I could lose my marriage (which did eventually happen), lose my job, lose the ministry, lose Brennen, lose it all and for the first time in my life I realized, I live in fear. Fear controls my life.