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Songs

Flower sung by me

Shallow Sleep as sung by me

In Your Eyes from Project A-Ko

Other Things

All of my life, I'll hold you close to me...

7/5/06 - 1:45 A.M.
The link to my LJ is now on the left, below the link to the forum.

And with that, I guess the life of this website comes to an end.

I wanted to end things with a nice song or something, preferably sung by me, but I realized rather quickly that as if I didn't already sing badly enough, the fact that I'm not in perfect health (must be allergies, but I've been this way pretty much since February, with the exception of a few notable occasions).

I guess I'm too lazy to dig up and upload a decent song. Oh well. I'm either too tired, too bored, too sober, or some combination of the three, so I guess I'll just stop.

It's a funny feeling to be "closing" this site, mainly because nothing's really changing--I haven't updated this page in two months, because I've been doing everything on my LJ. Oh well. I guess what this really is is an official transition to LJ as my new "main" site. And that's the main reason that I've modified the name of my LJ, to make it consistent with my site naming...system that began was back with this site nearly three years ago.

Actually, I guess I do have time for one tiny story...sort of to bring everything full circle, by talking about the somewhat humorous tale of this site's birth.

I signed up for a Yahoo account, like, five years ago, for some reason. I chose "lagunainwinhill" as my user name, because "laguna" and "lagunaloire" were both taken--I finally fulfilled my fantasy when I started my second forum, as part of my personal website network (you know, two tiny sites that no one ever goes to :p ), and was able to call myself "Laguna" (actually, I did it earlier--"Laguna Loire" is the name on my account on this computer).

Anyway, during the '02-'03 school year, I had begun dabbling in HTML, and would routinely whip up rudimentary web pages on Eric's old-ass laptop during class. The most infamous of these was the one that I called youaresuck.net. I can't even remember anymore what prompted the creation of the site. It obviously had something to do with an argument about "students' rights". I think that what caused it was that the school suddenly revoked the junior privilige of eating lunch in a classroom, rather than in the cafeteria. That was a big deal for a lot of us, because the cafeteria was horribly noisy, not to mention overcrowded.

And thus, I went about forming the Confederate Class of West End, with the recovery of our lunch privilige as our primary objective. Clay opposed us on this, arguing that we, as students at the school, had no right to make such demands, and even less right to "secede", whatever such a thing would actually mean in the context of a school--hey, it's the South, I guess we're just weird.

And, at the time, "you are suck" was (briefly) one of my trademark phrases, so in my free time I whipped up a site called "YouAreSuck.net", a page in which I, masquerading as Clay himself, claimed that...well, I guess you'd have to see it.

I made another page, in "response" (from myself). The reason for that was simply as a an excuse to put a link into the page--as I said, this was more of an academic excercise than anything else. That's why the color is obnoxious, why the formatting is stupid, and why it has obnoxious midis playing in the background.

But anyway, over the summer, a friend of mine contacted me because he'd heard about the site and wanted to see it. That's when I realized that my account with Yahoo had made 15MB of web space available for my use. So I threw the site(s) up there, and we all had a nice laugh.

In the fall of the following school year, I started a "real" site, as a sort of bloggish thing. It went through several layouts, and, in fact, a number of names--because I was using pre-made layouts simply because they were pretty, and I wanted something quick and easy.

My site was well-known throughout my senior class, mainly because I was the only person to have such a website. It proved useful, in some ways, as I eventually added a calendar showing the due dates for various assignments. And, in fact, I got in trouble (sort of; more of a joke) when I posted a link to a website that would test the validity of a syllogism. I was just trying to save people some time. For a while, the site had some usefulness.

In the latter half of 2004, after graduation, I started my first forum, the fulfillment of an old request from the early days of Laguna in Winhill. Firionel's Mog House, as it was called, enjoyed a brief period of great popularity among former classmates, with a high of...something like 300 posts one night. That might not sound like a lot, but keep in mind that the forum only had about 20 members.

Unfortunately, at the end of the year my forum host shut down, and I was forced to move to the (far superior) InvisionFree, where I opened Raine's Pub in Winhill (the beginning of the tradition of putting a reference to Winhill in the names of my sites). It was a problem because at the same time, I changed AIM screen names, and only mentioned it in the forum. I guess a lot of people missed the message, and I haven't gotten around to talking to them since. Forum activity dropped off sharply after the move, and never really recovered.

But anyway, I guess I should tie up all of the loose ends. I actually still had the stuff from YouAreSuck.net on my computer, so I uploaded that, just to let you all see (and some of you, remember) what it looked like. I apologize for the loud noise that might happen at the very beginning of the midi on youaresuck.html. I don't know what causes it, but...yeah. Sorry about that if you hear it. The link is on the left under "Other Stuff".

Just remember that both pages were done as jokes more than three years ago, and no offense is meant (anymore :p ).

I guess that's about it. I'll probably make a post on my LJ about this, so...yeah. That's about it.

I'd said, "Bye everybody", but I guess it's not like I'm really going away, only...somewhere else, so...that's where I'll be.

I'll be there.... I'll be waiting...there... I'll be waiting for you...so...If you go there...you'll find me. I promise.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. :p

Later. ^,~

7/4/06 - 1:45 P.M.
Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

It's obviously been a long time since my last update. It's hard to believe that I've been out of school for nearly two months. It's feels more like two days.

I thought that I'd keep maintaining this site for the rest of my life. But the truth is, I have so many other outlets now (on the internet for my thoughts and whatnot that this is now by far the most cumbersome and inconvenient. The average update takes me 15 minutes, just because of having to open the HTML editor and do all of that junk, and uploading the file.

It's just too slow, so I tend to do other things. I post in the forum, or in my LiveJournal.
So, I guess what I want to say is that this site is effectively closed. It will stay here as long as Geocities sees fit to leave it so, but I don't expect to do much more in the way of updating. I guess my LiveJournal has pretty much begun serving whatever function this site once had, so if you actually care, you can start going there instead.

This is where I'd type some kind of odd farewell to this site, but I'm short on time, so I won't bother. It was fun, and there's still LJ, so...yeah. That's where I'll be from now on. I'll add a link on the left later today.

5/16/06 - 1:55 P.M.
So, I finished the semester at school last Thursday, and all of my grades have finally been posted.

I got an A in everything except East Asian Civ. II, in which I got a B. So my cumulative GPA rose (very slightly) again, to a 3.762.

I guess things are going okay. I've been trying to get my room cleaned up (and keep it clean). I'm almost there, I think.

And I got an electric guitar a few weeks ago, so I'm fiddling with that. Yeah--speaking of the guitar, my costume plans for AMA have been more or less finalized. Shogo Hamada and Reno. I wish that I could throw together a third one without any real money or effort, but I don't know. I just want to get the two that I'm already doing to look as good as possible.

4/24/06 - 10:40 P.M.
Here I am, one day before my most important speech of the semester in my speech class--the persuasive speech, in which I'll be arguing for 5-6 minutes that video game-related legislation is unconstitutional, ineffective, and unnecessary.

However, I haven't even begun my final outline yet, to repair my horribly broken "rough outline"; I definitely haven't started rehearsing the speech yet. 13 hours to go...

While I'm wasting time, I'll mention that I'm pondering costume ideas for AMA. I've got lots of ideas right now, most relatively simple, but how many (if any) that I do depends how much money my mother is willing to put into it, and how much time she's willing to contribute to the making process.

My first choice is still Roxas. That is undoubtedly the most complicated of my current ideas (though Seifer's up there too). Hayner's another possibility for a "real" costume.

Other than that, most of my ideas revolve around wearing a wig and clothes that I either already own, or which I could probably find relatively cheaply someplace--

1) Reno (FFVII; an old dream of mine--attempted with disastrous results at a Fall Festival many years ago. I think I could do better now)

2) Shogo Hamada (just for kicks; I'm thinking probably late-80s/early-90s Shogo, with the really long hair and moderately large sunglasses; I'll either borrow an electric guitar from someone, or try to make a prop out of cardboard--I'd actually prefer the latter because I'd be able to make a replica of one of his guitars)

3) Eikichi Onizuka (no wig required, just hair coloring; working out required, however :p )

4) Shuichi Shindo (I kid, I kid...)

In an ideal world, I'd be able to do at least two of these, preferably three (Onizuka would almost certainly be the least expensive, though not necessarily easy to do in a way that's recognizable).

4/16/06 - 3:50 P.M.
I'm working on a Roxas costume--you know, the guy from Kingdom Hearts II.



So anyway, I made that bracelet and things on his fingers and whatnot today--not the final product, by any means, just sort of playing around. It didn't turn out too bad, though, considering that it only took me a few minutes to make.



Ignore the Blow Pop in my mouth. :p

4/12/06 - 11:30 P.M.
When I took those crappy pictures of myself last week, it was my intention to record another song, this time by Shogo Hamada. I tried "Thank You" and "Money", both of which I may still do. However, I just didn't have it in me at the time--"Thank You" has a long spoken section that I just can't speak quickly enough to do, and the three yells in "Money" gave me a sore throat.

But I finally did another recording tonight--still by Shogo Hamada, but quite different in style from what I had been trying previously. It's "I Miss You", which I uploaded the original of way back after Christmas 2004.

It's short, and the lyrics are quite simple, but it's a challenging song because there isn't a whole lot of music to hide behind as in my previous singing attempts (especially since my Vocal Remover stripped out almost all of the bass, leaving only the harmony...people). I still don't think it's anything special, and I think it's quite off-key at times, but I think it's a marginal improvement over some of my previous recordings. At this point, I think one of the things that's holding me back is that my microphone sucks. Obviously, a good microphone wouldn't make me a better singer, but it might help control the inconsistent volume issues that have plagued all of my recordings thus far.

Oh well. Enjoy. This is the first song that I'm hosting on my Google Pages account, which presumably gives me more bandwidth than Geocities, so that the site won't be brought down if too many people download something too close together. Therefore, this one's also an MP3, not some crappy WMA.

4/6/06 - 10:30 P.M.
Tomorrow afternoon, I'm getting my first haircut since mid-January. Until a few weeks go, I was anxious to get my hair short again, but for some reason, that changed. Now I'm going to miss my long hair, but there's not really anything that I can do about it--my parents are determined to get it cut as soon as possible, so tomorrow it is.

So...I decided to take some pictures. It occurred to me that my hair is almost as long as Shogo Hamada's has been for much of his career (it was much longer sometimes, of course, but...well, whatever), so in the interest of doing something a little...different from just taking pictures of myself staring at the camera with that same dumb look on my face, here is my thrown-together Shogo Hamada "cosplay"--same dumb look on my face, but this time, with sunglasses:

4/3/06 - 4:00 A.M.
I have a terrifying Asian history test on Tuesday, and I simply can't concentrate at all. I just...can't.

So what am I doing, naturally, 32.5 hours before this horrifying test that I haven't studied for?

That's right...I'm sitting in my room taking dozens of pictures of my boring face and my overgrown hair. They all suck, of course...some are a little disturbing to look at, really...but anything's better than studying. This is just the kind of thing that I do when I'm stupidly tired, I guess.



Somewhat counter-productive, I suppose...though I'm not sure what my aim is, if anything.

Never mind...

3/29/06 - 8:45 P.M.
Apologies in advance, but I sang another song, and it's available as always to your left. This time it's "Flower" by L'Arc-en-Ciel, which is one of my favorite songs ever. However, unlike "Shallow Sleep", I think it's also a very difficult song, at least for me personally, because of how (in Hyde's typical style) it can go from low to high and back quite quickly, and I just can't handle the high notes nearly as well as Hyde does.

However, this was at least a real karaoke ("Hydeless") version, unlike with "Shallow Sleep", so Hyde isn't echoing in the background.

Anyway, it actually turned out a little better than I thought--I'm still no Hyde, though.

English lyrics (these were actually pretty hard to find):

Still in the evening light, I realized it was so
I'm sleeping,
though I'm just distraught over scenarios that don't go how I had hoped

Because I won't see you today, I'll close my eyes in bed
Until the next morning after tomorrow, I'm going to just be captivated by the you in my dream

Always quivering because of your smile
I want to bloom strongly like the sun
My heart hurts so bad because it feels like it's going to break
If my thoughts won't come true, then they should at least wither!

You know, I still can't laugh
Even in my dreams I'll just say the same things
I wonder what the real you is doing on the other side of the window

Walking with an empty birdcage in the yesterday of past days
I was certainly searching for you

Even if I'm invited by the brilliant wind
I'll still keep following after you in my dreams
And even now, the sky in its downpouring blue
I look up and it wraps me up

like a flower
--flowers bloom in sunlight and I live closse to you--

With many seeds in that hill
I'll spread beautiful flowers all over for you
Quickly, come find me, come find me, because I'm here
Even though I'm waiting to be awakened
Always quivering because of your smile
I want to bloom strongly like the sun
My heart hurts so bad because it feels like it's going to break
If my thoughts won't come true, then they should at least wither!

3/25/06 - 9:55 P.M.
I went to see V for Vendetta today. Given that I've traditionally gone to movies either with my mother or grandmother, this may very well have been the first movie in my life that I've spent my own money to see.

I thought it was really good, though I'm too exhausted to discuss it in any detail.

Something occurred to me a while ago. Well...I guess it's the same thing that has "occurred to me" many times over the years, just with renewed strength just a while ago.

I have lots of stuff due in school next week, but I haven't worked on any of it yet this weekend. I've sat around here playing games, and this afternoon, watching a movie. And I feel no compulsion to work anytime soon. I just don't know what I want to do anymore. School holds no joy for me the way that it once did. I get A's left and right (except for a quiz or minor assignment here or there, I haven't gotten anything but A's all semester so far), but I'm not proud of it. I don't know how I manage to do it. I don't know whether it's because all of my instructors are too easy, or what. I know it's not because I study hard--I don't. I've done less studying (or doing homework, or anything else) this semester than during any previous period of my life, and yet my grades are the highest that they've been since I was in elementary. So why am I not particularly happy about that?

I was flipping through the school paper a few weeks ago, and someone had written something that bothered me a little. They were complaining about so-called "suck-ups" in class, which is understandable, except that they then went on a tirade about people who always say that they don't know how they always get A's--they just do. The author said that he'd like to punch those people, because they're such jerks.

I don't really understand that viewpoint, but if I've ever gotten on anyone's nerves by mentioning my grades, I'm sorry. But the fact is, I'm being honest. I guess that by now I should just assume that I know everything that's going to be on a test--I would be less stressed. But the fact is that I worry about every test, and every assignment that comes along--excessively, really. No matter what my grade was on the previous test, I worry that I'm going to do horribly, and I just...worry too much.

I know that it's probably because I don't study, barely take notes, and sit half-dead through most of my classes, and therefore know that I shouldn't be doing so well, because I never prepare for anything, and the night before a test, I feel that I don't know any of the material.

Last Wednesday, coming out of my Bio. Lab, the guys around me were talking about how the class was so hard, and one guy said that he didn't think anyone in the class had a "good grade".

I took Bio. 101 three semesters ago, got a low B, and barely remember anything about it. So I consider myself to be at a disadvantage compared to many others in the class, who are taking the lecture at the same time as the lab. And I get stressed out the night before every weekly quiz. But I have an A nonetheless.

Please believe me...I'm not saying this to brag. I'm saying it because I really don't know why it's the case. At WECS, I'd goof off and never study, and for a while, my test grades were low B's and C's (I was in the low 70's on several of Mrs. Howell's history tests). So if college is so much harder, how am I now doing less studying, and yet getting almost perfect grades right now?

But seriously...why does that not make me happy? Perhaps it's because I was never conditioned to find contentment in academic achievement. I rated my happiness based on what stuff I had most recently acquired--pathetic, I know--and based on how much contact I was having with my "friends".

Technically, I should be happy right now. But...it's worn off...or something. Maybe it's a combination of factors, like the fact that I'm feeling the pressure to do something for school, and am yet resistant to the notion. I'd rather sit here and wallow in a puddle of slight despair than work, even if that act itself could hold part of the key to making me feel less...bad. When I'm with people, that's great, but once I'm alone again, I can never ward off my mild depression for too long.

But maybe it's because I don't think that doing work will make me feel any better anyway.

A few weeks ago, Burnout Revenge on the Xbox 360 became the first experience in several days to make me smile. I don't know what that really says--that Burnout Revenge is a really cool game, that I'm easily amused, or that I was really depressed.

Sure, I could go and play my demo of Burnout for a while again. And I'd probably feel happier...at least while I'm playing. I can understand the mentality of people that consider games to be a drug. Anything can become a drug for anyone, in a particular set of circumstances. Some people smoke pot to make the world go away, at least for a while. I play Burnout, or some other such thing. I don't want to deal with my problems--I want to ignore them. I know that that never solves anything, but...it's just so much easier.

So what's really bothering me? I don't even know anymore. This isn't some veiled attempt at saying whatever it is some of you probably think that I'm saying. I think it's probably a bunch of tiny things, some of which that I can't even identify--that one's probably in there somewhere too, but I think that if that were the primary issue, I wouldn't still be feeling so...uneasy after all this time.

I think that the advent of blogs could be one of the best things to ever happen for young people, but also one of the worst. It gives people an outlet for their feelings other than writing in a diary that no one will ever see. But the downside, I believe, is that it also allows these people to express their dissatisfaction with life in such a way that they have the illusion that they're talking to someone about their problems, when they're really not. Sure, someone might see what they write, and might even care, but it's kind of like writing thoughts and feelings in brackets ("[likes such-and-such]", for instance), rather than actually saying something directly. People choose to talk in whatever medium provides, to them, the best balance of security and convenience. As stupid as that sounds, I'll try to explain as well as I can. Some people would rather talk on the phone than talk in person. They're more comfortable on the phone because they don't have to worry about eye contact, and they don't have to worry about how the other person perceives them visually (I know that sounds awkward...whatever). At the same time, some people would much rather talk in person than on the phone, particularly to certain people about certain things.

Some people would rather send instant messages than talk on a phone. I think that this has also manifested itself in the preference of some people for text messaging over actually talking on their cell phones. Some people think and communicate better in text. I can understand that.

I've never really been like that. I've kind of always found text to be rather clumsy. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts of feelings effectively through text, and the entire process just feels rather impersonal to me.

That's not to say that "in person" or "on the phone" is my universally preferred means of communication. There are some people who I greatly prefer to talk to in text rather than verbally. There are some people that I simply have a hard time understanding on the phone. And there are some people that I can't stand to look at (actually...that's not true; I just needed an example of someone that I wouldn't talk to in person). My preference depends mainly on the person. Some people are uncomfortable saying precisely what they feel to some people, no matter how "close" they might be, and so they come up with some way of avoiding it. Sometimes it's by making vague hints at it in a stupid round-about way. Sometimes it's by linking to songs that have some tangential relevance to the situation at hand. Sometimes it's by typing in brackets. Sometimes it's by periodically writing long-winded nonsense like this. But it's a little more frustrating for the speaker when they don't even know for sure what the "issue" really is anymore. Friends should talk to each other about stuff that's bothering them. In real life, that's usually far more helpful than just writing about it and plastering it up on the internet for your friends (and everyone else) to see. But who am I to talk, after all...?

Why did I say all of this? I don't really know. It's probably part of that bad habit that I have of typing something, anything, just to avoid the prospect of doing schoolwork.

It's just so...boring and lonely around here most of the time. If I could spend my entire life watching movies or playing games with people, I'd do it. That's obviously not realistic, of course, but it's the way that I feel. Any excuse to go anywhere and do anything with anyone is good enough for me.

I'm tempted to continue rambling here, but I don't think I have anything constructive left to say right now (as if anything I'd already said were really helpful...). I'm sure I'll come up with something else in a few more days, and it'll probably be...just like this, just with the words arranged somewhat differently. That's what blogs are for, after all.

I guess the only comfort is to remember that there's always someone who's got it worse than you (except for the person who really does have it the worst...which causes the logic of the entire saying to collapse on itself...). We've all had tough lives, in one way or another. I don't think it makes much sense to rank them, but...really, no one's life has been some perfect, happy thing, no matter how they might act most of the time. I'm no exception.

To attempt to lighten the mood somewhat, here is a picture of our new cat, under my brother's bed:

3/17/06 - 2:10 A.M.
I recently watched To Live and Raise the Red Lantern, both directed, coincidentally, by Zhang Yimou, the director of Hero and House of Flying Daggers. Both were fairly good, I suppose. I think that I enjoyed To Live a bit more, though. I guess it could just be because I only got about five hours of sleep last night, but I nearly fell asleep during Raise the Red Lantern.

One thing that I noticed in Raise the Red Lantern, though, that I did not really see (at least not in the same way) in To Live is the use of vibrant color and "artistic" landscape shots and such that have become Zhang Yimou's trademark (watch Hero or House of Flying Daggers and you should know exactly what I mean). That, at least, made the movie fairly attractive to look at. I guess I just really wasn't in the right mindset for that kind of relatively slow movie today. It's kind of one of those things that you watch, and then think to yourself at the end, "What the hell was that?", but then it sticks in your mind for a long time until you realize that you enjoyed it after all.

Oh well. That's it for tonight, I guess.

3/16/06 - 3:38 A.M.
Looking back over my so-called "chapel speech" (you know, the thing that I typed out here over the course of a week or so, and then during my "real" speech told people to come here to see), it's strange to see how things often turn out far differently from how we imagine them, and just...well, how things change over time.

One portion of "The WECS...Thing..." is particularly interesting.

"you were probably my first real friend, all the back during that summer between (I think) 1st and 2nd grade. You were my only friend in the daycare, and you made it bearable.

Like all friends, we've had our disagreements over the years, but we've gotten through them, and I know we'll stay together for a long time.^_^"

Everything that I said back then was absolutely true, and I pray that my predictions of the future hold true better than most of the others. But there was a bit more to it than that, which I neglected to type at the time, either because I was tired of typing after addressing all of the other people in the class, or because I wasn't comfortable saying it at the time. But since no one actually comes here anymore, I guess it doesn't matter now.

Most of elementary was hell for me. Many of my classmates treated me like crap, and there were times when I didn't want to get up in the morning, because after all, why would anyone want to leave their home and spend seven hours in a place where everyone around you, including the teachers, seems to dislike you? When you're that young, that's a depressing state to be in.

But as pathetic as it sounds, you were the person who gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. For several years of my life, I felt like you were my only friend in the world. You never stopped being the person who I called "my best friend", even during periods when you didn't speak to me for days, or weeks. Until near the end of high school, you were the only person who ever spoke to me outside of school--not much has changed since then; I'm still clinging desperately to an ever-shrinking pool of "friends" that I thought would never leave my side.

I know that I'm unnaturally...clingy. You never had trouble attracting friends of your own, but you were all I had. All I know is that my early school life had been spent fighting loneliness, sadness, and torment by fellow classmates, occasionally (but rarely) violent. Being with you made me feel happy, not so lonely, and...safe. And that has never changed.

You were the person that I always ran to when I felt like everything was hopeless. I guess I rarely actually said what was really wrong, but it made me feel better just to talk to you--about anything. No one else could really do that for me (most were simply unwilling to listen to me ramble on about my problems).

How does someone repay another person for being their only friend at a time when they feel that they have little left to live for?

I don't know. I don't think that I can. I regret having not made a more valiant attempt at being a better friend myself, instead of just sitting around and soaking up the benefits of having such a good friend. I am eternally indebted to you; without you, I would likely not have made it to where I am right now. When I was depressed, you were there. When you felt bad, where was I? The things that I have done to you and said about you over the years are not deserving of a friend such as you, and I can think of nothing that I've ever done to explain why you chose to be nice to me when no one else would, or why you continued to do so from that point on.

But I worry that I've become a burden to you, and for that, I sincerely apologize. I just...don't know what to do anymore. Most of the friends that I got at WECS--at least the "friends" that I kept for more than a week after graduation--I got to know as a direct result of being associated with you. On my own, I'm just another boring face in a huge crowd, as evidenced by the fact that to this day, only one person at VCU has remembered my name for more than one semester, and that was only because he knows another Whitby somewhere, not because I'm particularly interesting (I've never really even talked to him; not my type at all...not like that; you know what I mean...).

I know it's no excuse, and it makes me feel really...well...immature, but I have gained no new friends in at least three years--ten years if you only count the ones that still talk to me on occasion. I've only got a few left, and even some of them are the kind that only talk to me because they don't have anyone else to talk to at the moment.

I know that I never meant as much to you as you have always meant to me. How could I? I was never your only friend in the world. And I know that that first, unrealistic impression of you--as the kindest person in the world, who saved me from utter despair--has continued unchanged ever since, and in all honesty, is likely to never change. I felt a connection to you that I did not have with anyone else. I could talk to you more freely than I could talk to anyone else. But have things really changed over the years, as I feel that they somehow have, or have I just finally awakened to reality, and the fact that things were never as "happy" as I childishly thought that they were?

I can't change the way that I feel, but I apologize for any inconvenience that it may have caused you over the years.

But the point is...God, I don't even know anymore. I guess this all only makes me look crazier.

Just...what do I have left? School? I hate school. Friends at school? I don't have any. Family? Yeah...they're nice, I guess; not nearly as close since my grandmother died....

Somehow, saying all this hasn't made me feel any better. I don't know whether it's because I think that no one will read it anyway, or because I'm worried that someone will. I feel that things are spiraling toward disaster, and that, far from fixing things, I'm only speeding them up. And when it hits, as it always does, I don't know how I'll be able to keep going...at all.

Jesus said, "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

I say also, for what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his most treasured friend?

Not a perfect analogy by any means, but it is one of my greatest fears in life. This concludes my amendment to my chapel "speech". My comments would have applied just as much back then as they do today. I was either in denial or simply naive.

Seriously, I'm about to pass out, so I should go to bed.

3/13/06 - 1:00 A.M.
Final Fantasy XII, and the single of its main theme, "Kiss Me Good-Bye", might not be scheduled for release until the 16th in Japan, but the single has, naturally, already found its way onto the internet. If you want the whole thing (which contains four tracks--English and Japanese versions of "Kiss Me Good-Bye", another English song, and a Japanese one--which happens to be a decent cover of Procul Harum's "Whiter Shade of Pale"), there's a torrent at Jpopsuki. If you want just the English version of the theme (the one in the game), you can listen to it here. If you want to download it, that might take some trickery, but I'll try to simplify that--the URL of the song file is http://upload3.putfile.com/videos/7023470231.mp3 . Paste that into your address bar, and...well, then it probably depends what browser you're using and what program is assigned to handle MP3s. But I hope that from there you can figure out how to save it.

Since lyrics were not available online (well, they're included in the torrent, but they're full of mistakes), I took the time to transcribe them myself.


You say my love is all you need
To see you through
But I know these words are not quite true

Here is the path you're looking for
An open door
Leading to worlds you long to explore

Go, if you must move on alone
I'm gonna make it on my own

Kiss me good-bye, love's memory
Follow your heart, and find your destiny
Won't shed a tear, for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

As time goes by
I know you'll see this of me
I love you enough to let you go free

Oh, I will give you wings to fly
Cast all your fears into the sky

Kiss me good-bye, love's mystery
All of my life, I'll hold you close to me
Won't shed a tear, for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

Kiss me good-bye, love's memory
You put the dream in my reality



Angela Aki has an emotion in her voice that I don't think I've ever heard from a Final Fantasy vocalist before. The main thing that I didn't like about "Suteki da ne", FFX's theme, was that there was no English version (the US version didn't even have subtitles), which made it utterly meaningless to the English-speaking audience. I think that the lyrics in "Kiss Me Good-Bye" are...well...beautiful. If someone could put together a decent music video with it the way that someone did with "Eyes On Me" in 1999, it could easily become my favorite vocal Final Fantasy theme ever (my mother's too, probably).

3/11/06 - 1:05 A.M.
Sometimes, you're sure you're going to cry, but you don't, no matter how bad you might feel.

Then, you think you're okay, and tell yourself that you're not going to cry, but then you do and you just can't stop.

I don't say this to draw attention to my own sad state of being; it's just an observation that I thought I'd make note of.

I feel sick again...

3/10/06 - 12:54 A.M.
So...my Spring Break has begun. I guess this will be a good time for rest and relaxation. I just hope that I don't have to spend it being as lonely and depressed as I've been for the past week or so.

There's a new song up--"Stars of Tears", an English vocal version of "Emotions", the world map theme from Xenogears. I don't think that I uploaded this one because of any "hidden" meaning--it just happened to pop up on my iPod a few nights ago, and it brought back memories of when I first started downloading music years ago (long before Napster, even), back when I was still on a 14.4k connection. "Stars of Tears" was one of the very first MP3s that I ever downloaded, and I fell in love with it instantly.

So, in a way, I guess you could say that there is a reason that I uploaded it. The song reminded me of times in my life that now seem ancient--and I wish that I could find the happiness and...well, optimism about life that I had back then. I feel as if I'm just living from one day to the next, longing for something, but I'm not even sure exactly what. Sure, there are times when I'm "happy", but I feel like something is...missing, and I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that in general, I'm not nearly as "happy" as I was in years past.

But anyway...just a quick reminder. I don't know if it's the way Geocities caches things, or the way that Firefox does it, or what, but I recommend that if you access this site through your bookmarks (or "favorites", or whatever your browser of choice calls them), it's probably a good idea to click Refresh/Reload to be sure that you're viewing the most recent version of the page. It's better than it used to be on this site, but I still have to do that from time to time.

One last thing--in an effort to make this page load quicker for people still on dial-up (and to reduce my bandwidth usage, as if that were really necessary), I'm going to start only keeping the most recent six months or so of posts on this front page. For the moment, everything older than last October (meaning everything from 12/31/04 until 9/05) is linked to at the bottom of this page, which is how things will be until I can come up with a more practical solution.

3/7/06 - 9:00 A.M.
I've always wondered why people who are "depressed" tend to stop eating, or at least eat very little. It seemed strange to me; maybe because I love to eat.

But I think I understand now. For days, not only has my appetite itself been far lower than normal, but eating much of anything makes me feel sick rather quickly. It's like there is a physical change in appetite or digestion or whatever; I always thought that it was all in the person's head (maybe it still is, I don't know).

I just don't know what to do anymore...

3/5/06 - 5:00 P.M.

3/4/06 - 10:21 P.M.
Here we go again.

Words cannot begin to express how I feel right now, or the whirlwind of conflicting emotions swirling through me. Exhiliration and despair, optimism and hopelessness, joy, loneliness, the list goes on.

Dinner at Pho 79, normally the highlight of my weekend, was an excrutiating experience that could not have ended soon enough. I could barely eat anything at all.

The trip afterward to Barnes & Noble was even more hellish, as I felt ready to have a breakdown in the middle of the store.

If you have ever been in the unenviable position of trying to conceal your crying in the back seat of a car while riding around with your parents, then you have some idea of how I feel.

The sad thing, which I guess shows how terribly pathetic I am, is that I'd do it all again, with no regrets at all.

If your internet ever reaches a state of functionality again and you see this, please call me, as crazy as I might look right now.

3/2/06 - 11:25 P.M.
I should apologize for my outburst earlier today. Though truthful in spirit, it was rather excessive, and was just generally a bad idea to have posted. For what it's worth, my pitiful rendition of "Shallow Sleep" remains.

At this point, my only hope is that I have not lost forever the best friend that I ever had.

2/27/06 - 12:40 A.M.
Wow. Three updates in barely 12 hours...that's like a new record for me or something. Now if only the relevant individuals still came here every now and then...

Anyway, this is a stupid story. Consider it a experiment in writing using vivid imagery.

I have a red bathrobe sort of thing, which was given to me by my mother years ago. The fact that it was originally hers is made very clear by the fact that it is covered with cute little penguins engaging in various wintry activities--ice skating, sledding, etc.

It's a robe that I only wear between the time of my nightly shower and the time at which I go to bed--so it stays clean for a fairly long time. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that just like everything else, it does need to be washed every now and then.

So it was finally washed yesterday when the opportunity presented itself. I had no need of it last night, so tonight was the first time since its washing that I put it on. Since it's a sort of fleece-like robe, and because it's incredibly cold and dry outside (and in here), it was, and still is, the most static-filled piece of clothing that I've ever worn at any point in my life.

This was kind of amusing while I was standing downstairs--where all of the lights were off since everyone else is already in bed. In the dark, I could see dozens of brilliant blue flashes emanating from my robe with every movement. It's not the first time that I've seen such a thing, of course, but I'd never seen quite so many such sparks in one place.

The entire robe felt quite "prickly", of course. That was fine and all, except that my crotch was being shocked as well, which wasn't particularly comfortable. Ultimately, I was compelled to untie the robe and go about the remainder of my business with it wide open (well, not "wide open", but...well, you know), which isn't a big deal when it's totally dark and you're the only one awake anyway, of course.

Like I said, "vivid imagery". And "stupid story".

2/26/06 - 10:00 P.M.
Project A-Ko has always been one of my favorite anime...things ever (the one that the Sci-Fi Channel showed that they just called "Project A-Ko"--the funny one).

I've always found it funny that people have never been able to decide whether B-Ko was actually in love with C-Ko...like that, or whether she was just insanely determined to be her friend...or something. Either way, "In Your Eyes" is one of my favorite songs from the movie (the other being "Dance Away", which I posted here months ago), and after hearing it turn up among my shuffled 8,000+ songs tonight, I was inspired to post it. So...it's there.

I always felt a little sorry for B-Ko, even though she seemed rather mean at times.


"Feelings here inside,
How I wish the world would go away,
All would disappear,
But you and I would stay,
And I'd be forever in your eyes."


Indeed...

2/26/06 - 11:37 A.M.
I often wonder what on earth I'm going to do with my life.

Two years ago, I was majoring in computer science, and I hated it. The work was far too hard, and I simply didn't see myself ever turning that education into a career anyway, so I switched.

Given my lack of options, my only real choice was business. Business has been much easier so far than comp. sci. was.

However, I still don't see myself [i]working[/i] in business, even as a manager. It just doesn't appeal to me at all.

Part of me wishes I could make a living writing reviews of video games. Then I am reminded that I'm a horrible writer whose "reviews" are generally about two sentences long, and simply list what I liked and did not like in a game (or movie, or whatever).

A small part of me wishes that I could be a teacher at WECS. But I realize that not only would that not be the key to happiness as I wish it were, but that I'm not really good at teaching anything, either.

I don't know what I want to do. I guess it's not as bad as it feels; I'm not even halfway through college, after all. But before graduation at WECS, I'd never felt so lost and without direction as I have since. I don't have the same kind of regularity that I did back then, nor the relatively large amount of "friends". A few people have stayed nearby and still talk to me, and I thank them for that. You all mean a lot to me, sometimes far more than I can really articulate.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

I know that this is getting kind of old, but I'm still working on plans for something to make this site more interesting. Actually, in this case it's a completely new site which will eventually be tied to this one. That's all I can say right now. I have no idea if it'll ever actually happen, as I've never found time to do any of my other plans, and I at least feel far busier than I ever have before in my life. So...yeah...I don't know. We'll see.

2/17/06 - 7:52 P.M.
The weekend has come, so I suppose I can take the time to say more than two sentences this time around.

I've always viewed Valentine's Day rather negatively, kind of like the way that some old people don't really like to be reminded of their own birthday.

In elementary, Valentine's Day was a bit of a joke, because everyone was forced to give Valentines to everyone else in the class. It's almost implanting the idea in children's heads that everyone has to be treated absolutely equally in the world--which is nice, except that by WECS's Valentine's Day logic, if you want to marry one person, then you have to marry everyone else just to be fair, boys and girls alike.

That might sound stupid, but think about it--Valentine's Day is, as Wikipedia puts it, "the traditional day on which lovers let each other know about their love". That's the whole idea behind Valentine's Day cards, flowers, candy, and all that other stuff. And yet, the way WECS handles it, everyone gives everyone else a card (and often candy).

Candy grams were a strange exception, which seemed to go against the very thing that WECS was trying to do with its Valentine's Day parties.

Candy grams were a thorn in my side for years. Though it became less and less of an issue in the upper grades as people lost interest in publically proclaiming their interest in...whoever, for a long time the way things typically would work is that someone would come in to deliver ~10 candy grams. ~6-7 of them would be for one person, a few others would get one each, and I would always get none.

I don't recall whether I ever actually bought one myself or not. I don't think so, maybe because I had negative feelings associated with them, and didn't see how anyone else could possibly like them if I myself disliked them so much.

I was raised in an environment where I was supposed to "like" everyone equally, but also a place where I felt that no one ever liked me (in retrospect, the reasoning was a little backwards--it wasn't that no one liked me so much as it was everyone tended to like a particular someone else, which isn't quite so bad). So once I got past that age where I was more or less forced to give everyone in the class a card, I stopped giving people things for Valentine's Day altogether. Of course, so did a lot of other people. But if I ever give anyone anything, you can be sure that it's for a reason other than wanting to treat everyone equally. I'm not too fond of taking "equality" to that extreme. The basic rule for me is, "If I like you, you'll probably get something on or near (if I'm, like, way out of town or something) Valentine's Day. If I don't, then...well, you won't get anything."

Seems pretty obvious to me, but it's not the philosophy that WECS tried to get us to go for in our early years.

But anyway...I'm not really sure what I was going to say after this. I like Valentine's Day in concept, except that it's always made me feel rather...excluded.

Where do I go from here? I don't know, but things could always be worse, I suppose.

2/14/06 - 8:45 A.M.
Ah, Valentine's Day.

I hate Valentine's Day.

2/12/06 - 10:45 P.M.
Yeah, I'm still alive. School has kept me insanely busy (along with other things), so I haven't had much time to do much here. I'd say that I'm still thinking of some way to give this site a renewed relevance, with it being made more or less obsolete due to the forum--and I do have ideas, but there is still no timetable for when anything major will happen here. The fact that my audience has grown so small also makes me feel as though there wouldn't be any point to my efforts anyway.

But anyway, I will say a few things here, in case there are a few of you out there who come here but not to the forum, and actually care about what I'm about to say.

Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones is probably my favorite console game of last year (yes, I know I didn't finish it until two days ago, but it came out in December), and really, one of my favorite games ever. Rarely have I been so completely satisfied with a game as I was in this case, so it definitely has my strongest possible recommendation. If you haven't played it, you must. It has given me a strange affection for ancient Persia, or at least its architecture.

I suppose that given the amount of work that I've got, it's a good thing that I don't have any particular female dominating my thoughts, as had been the case in my life since middle school (keep in mind, I'm not talking about the same person here). Well, there might be one or so, but those kinds of ideas are so outlandish that I might as well be taking about marrying Keira Knightley (don't take that to mean anything in particular; it was the first female celebrity name that came into my head). Oh well. You never know... ;)

1/18/06 - 12 A.M.
And thus, I find myself back in school.

As is typical for me, I find myself in a state of physical and mental exhaustion, but with so much that I long to say. Naturally, I will write the same vague nonsense that I always do, either because I'm making some feeble attempt at my classic ambiguity of expression, or because I'm so overcome by fatigue that I couldn't write honestly even if I wanted to. I'm not sure which it is tonight, but I'm going to write something anyway.

I...diverted myself through endless hours of game-playing over my winter break. And now, I find myself once again (as always) feeling incapable of fulfilling the numerous requirements of all of my classes in this new semester--and I've only been to half of my classes.

But, in a first in my college career, I also have a mild confidence counterbalancing the pessimism. I'm not sure where it comes from, exactly; maybe it's still some enthusiasm left over from having gotten all A's last semester, I really can't say. Perhaps it's better to say that while I feel that all of these classes seem insurmountably difficult, I felt almost exactly the same way at the beginning of the previous semester, and having seen that one turn out the way that it did, I'm not as worried as I might otherwise be. I know that while it's not going to be easy, it's not impossible either, and I'm sure that in the end things will turn out okay.

That's not really what had been on my mind when I sat down here, though (perhaps that was for the best; I probably should have stopped back then). But anyway...

[you see, things can go the other way when I type also, of course; fatigue has, on many occasions, caused me to lose my self-restraint when writing, and say things that I regret soon thereafter--but since I feel it coming on this time, I'll probably be able to control it]

Since I'm extremely tired, I'll be brief.

Suppose that you've secretly liked someone for years (as "secret" as anything could be at a place like WECS--and before you told numerous people on dark nights at home and abroad; but by "for years", let's mean "since Elementary", in some form or another). Suppose that the point when you spent a few moments together for the first time was a point in time that you believed was likely the last time that you'd ever see them for the rest of your life. You don't have any particular reason to believe that they had any interest in you at all apart from...well, I don't really know. But after you're separated for what you believe to be the last time, you agonize over these few days for weeks thereafter--could things have turned out differently?

But after a while, you stop worrying about these things, since you realize that it's rather pointless.

But then you encounter her again more than a year later, and you realize that you still care. Naturally, you have a pleasant few minutes together, but lingering questions remain, and continue to bother you.

I suppose the question is: If there is a good opportunity in the near future for you to have these questions answered (and an occasion which is likely, even more so than the last, to be the last time you ever see each other), is it better to seek those answers, regardless of what they may be, or to simply assume them to be "negative", and continue on with your life, with the only memories of your interaction being happy ones?

Looking back over that, I see that, yes, that question is horribly stupid--so much so that I'm inclined to scrap it altogether. But if I did that, I'd be throwing away 30 minutes of work. And besides, I said a long time ago that I wasn't going to remove updates anymore after posting them--but beyond that, I want to avoid typing things only to refrain from uploading them after I've "thought better of it". I want to avoid this site becoming nothing more than a place for my depressed ravings, as is the case with so many other personal websites (a little late for that, I suppose).

I should put a little disclaimer here: be careful not to jump to conclusions. Chances are, you don't know who or what I'm talking about, so don't look at a few words and think you know exactly what I'm saying, because you probably don't (there are some of you who might, though). What this does show me, though, is how predictable (and repetitive) the course of my life is, when you remove specifics like names. This scenario could probably be applied to numerous people over the years. Sometimes even I'm not sure who I'm talking about.

I know, that's really sad, and I feel really dumb. Maybe I'm just tired.

1/6/06 - 12:00 P.M.
I hope it hasn't been so long since my last update that everyone's stopped coming. :(

Anyway, my grandmother (the German one) was given a digital picture frame for Christmas (you know, one of those things where you put a bunch of picture on a multimedia card and the frame shows a slideshow or whatever), so she gave me a bunch of old pictures to scan for her and put on her card; 165 pictures, to be exact.

Many pictures, I have seen on various occasions throughout my life. Others, I had not. Almost all of them, however, were interesting in some way.

It's a somewhat strange feeling to look through so many old pictures, many of myself when I was much younger. I experienced varied emotions while scanning the pictures, sometimes seemingly conflicting responses to the same pictures.

From a purely technical standpoint, it was obvious that photographic technology has improved a good deal in recent years. It's not just than the older pictures were losing their original color--the older prints were smaller, and, I found, sometimes had spots of dust that were not visible when I examined them, but which my scanner picked up with aggravating clarity.

One of the most exciting things, to me, was restoring the original color on many of the pictures--the ones from when I was around one or two years old and earlier, including one of my parents' wedding pictures. Not that there was much effort to it, of course--software these days makes everything so automatic that most of my labor was in placing each picture into my scanner. It also felt a little weird, because when I was done, some of the pictures were barely recognizable to me. Not that the color was weird, because the color was so...well, right, that it looked like the picture had been taken only yesterday. I guess that's what made it feel odd, because these pictures were so old that in my earliest memories of seeing them, they were already as discolored as they are today, so in correcting the color, it felt as if I was seeing them for the first time.

But all this technical talk is stuff that probably doesn't surprise anyone here, so I'll refrain from rambling about it any longer.

It was interesting, to me, that I "remembered" many of the very early events depicted in some of the pictures, but had no memory at all of some of the later ones, from only about 10 years ago. I suppose what happened is that I had seen the very old pictures more often than the later ones, and that either they had helped preserve whatever memory I had of the events (the squirrel costume that I wore to the Fall Festival two years in a row, for example--I won the costume contest both times :p ), or I saw them so much that they are my "memory", not the events themselves.

What occurred to me while looking at the pictures was how fast the aging process really moves. As I go about my daily life, it never really occurs to me that the people around me really don't look as young as they used to. I suppose it's because it happens so slowly from our perspective that we don't really notice it, but when you compare two pictures of the same person that were taken five or ten years apart, the change is obvious. But what is interesting to me is how, in most of my memories, my mental picture of the people involved are often of them as they are now (or, in the case of people from WECS that I haven't seen since elementary, how I imagine they might look these days). It's only in looking at these pictures that I realize how young we all were back then.

In some ways, it made me rather sad, because it showed me how short life really is. I also noticed how I smiled in all of my older pictures, but I never do that anymore--I wonder why that is...everything seemed happier back then...

I spent 14 years of my life at WECS. In some ways, I felt more at home there than anywhere else. And yet now it seems like little more than a distant memory. The place has changed so much in this short time that it feels foreign to me. Virtually none of the students know me, and even some of the teachers don't know me now. The new principal seems like a really nice guy, but his arrival was kind of the point where it didn't feel like home anymore.

People that I once thought I'd be with for the rest of my life, I'll probably never see again. Some people who once said that I was one of their best friends, I haven't heard from in months. I know that this has been going on for a year and a half, but I've never really gotten over it. I feel disconnected for the first time, like I'm just floating through life, and I don't like it. No longer do I have a school full of people that know me, and who I can count on seeing five days a week (whether they like me or not; it's just a form of regularity in my life). Three semesters down, and I still don't really know anyone at VCU. I can count on one hand the students that I've talked to at least once in two different semesters (only two people, in fact). It's really depressing.

What did I do that caused me to retain so pitifully few social attachments following graduation from WECS?

And now for something almost completely different.

As if any of you still thought that I was a normal guy, I watched The Prince & Me last night. Say what you will, I've always liked those kind of movies; comedies of the romantic variety. It seems, however, that the reviews agree with me this time--it wasn't particularly impressive. There were a few good moments, but overall it did seem, as one critic said, that "The characters lack consistency; they are manipulated like puppets merely to serve the whims of the writers." Aside from that, it seemed that the core concept was rather contrived--the prince goes to the U.S. because he thinks Wisconsin girls are predisposed to taking their tops off. If that isn't the stupidest thing that I've ever heard, I don't know what is. But it brought back memories of that "Danish" guy on the cruise (if you weren't there, you have no idea what I'm talking about; if you were...well, you still might not). Maybe he was the crown prince of Denmark. ;-)

Oh well. Somehow last night I was prepared to write something deep and meaningful here, but as always, in practice it turned out to just be another rambling mess. I apologize, and shall now leave you with a picture of myself, as a squirrel.

12/16/05 - 11:20 P.M.
Man, it's been a long time...

My grades for the semester are more or less finalized (they're all on BlackBoard, just not in eServices yet).

Western World Lit. - A
Economics - A
Accounting - A
Psychology - A
Sociology - A

Don't ask me how I managed that--I have no idea. I think I was just fortunate enough to wind up with a bunch of relatively lenient professors this time around.

In other news, Best Buy is selling a new batch of Xbox 360's on Sunday, so I'm going to be camping out there until 10 A.M. I don't know when I'm going over there; the snow may screw up my plans, though if I can't make it there that early, I at least hope that the weather keeps the crowds down so that it doesn't matter. I'm not too excited about the idea of hanging out in the cold in the middle of the night all by myself for ~8 hours (surrounded by strangers) anyway. I guess we'll see what happens.

11/13/05 - 5:10 P.M.
Just a small update to mention that I've added my Xbox Live Gamer Card to the site (on the left, obviously). It's empty right now, because I just made it, and I haven't had an Xbox in several months (and won't have a 360 until Christmas). But since the card is pulled from MS's server, it will update automatically based on the status of my Live account (I do plan to make use of Xbox Live in the coming generation).

I just want to add that I support the Xbox 360; take that for what it is. I support all of the upcoming consoles, so it's more that I don't oppose the Xbox 360--though to be fair, I think Sony's making enough mistakes already with the PS3 that I'm more confident in the 360's chances of success than Sony's this time around, actually. At the same time, though, I think the Nintendo has the potential to really retake the Japanese market with the Revolution, though I'm not sure about its chances in the U.S. I guess we'll find out next year.

11/1/05 - 11:45 P.M.
Well, you all know what time it is. It's that time when I make my monthly "I'm depressed, and missed out on the girl(s) of my dreams" speech. If you're tired of that, start with the second to last paragraph and you'll get the general idea. Here we go:

As I sit and ponder the events of last night, and of my life over the years, I can't help but wonder how things might have been different if I had taken more interest in WECS and my "friends"--not just saying "I love this place" all the time and sitting as a silent third party to every conversation that occurred amongst my "friends", occasionally laughing, little more. But I cast my lot with solitary video games and shallow relationships.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I not quit after the first day of basketball tryouts. Of course, it's easy to sit here and say such things now, when a lot of the people who may read this weren't there at the time, but--I think I could have been very good at basketball. Certainly not the greatest ever, but I beleive, still good. Maybe that could have made me more popular "with the girls"; I guess I'll never know.

I feel that many opportunities and possibilities have passed me by, and I think that there are clearly possible paths that would make me a lot happier than I am right now. I shouldn't be so arrogant, of course, to think that this line of thinking only applies to me. There are always possible paths in life that are happier than the one that we are on, either because of our own decisions in the past, or simply because that's the way things turned out.

Yes, good things have happened in my life, sometimes the result of seemingly horrible events. The fiasco that was related here late last year (and one of my own making) indirectly prompted Clay's membership in the forum, and reunion with the WECS crowd.

My years of obsessively playing video games have done some positive things for me. I have had experiences that I would never have otherwise been able to have, and on occasion, I have been made to ponder things that I would have otherwise given no thought. But if I were allowed to follow all of the potential courses for my life, and found that my obtaining an NES at age 3 had somehow caused me, no matter how indirectly, to miss out on...well, any of them (as crude as that may sound--I assure you, I'm speaking of various attractions over the course of my life, not all of which have faded), I would trade my NES and my love of games for her (whichever "her" you wish to interpret that as being).

This problem of thinking about what may have been is very common for most people, I believe, when it comes to conversation with people. How often have you spoken to (or at least been with) someone that you really liked, and immediately after the conversation, you think of something that you should have said, or realize that something you did say was really stupid?

I know that I have this problem more so than many--it's been pointed out to me many times before. I overanalyze everything--everything I said, everything she said, and it drives me nuts for days. And as one might expect, nothing ever happens, of course. They might leave the school, find another guy, hate me, be scared away by my stupidity, or...well, the list goes on. Some people go on cruises and wind up in bed with complete strangers; the best that I get is nearly falling asleep next to a beautiful girl after someone miscommunicated and had extra rum put in my pi�a colada. At least I didn't have any regrets the next day...well, not those kind anyway. I've still got regrets 18 months later.... We were semi-alone at the time (or maybe in my state I just didn't notice anyone else's presence), and I don't think I've told many other people that story, but it is a piece of the puzzle (this is where I pretend that people still here that I didn't explain everything to last night).

Well, that became a rambly mess at the end. If you're a girl who's here because I gave you the URL myself, then don't worry, I'm not talking about you, so don't think I'm crazy or anything. I'm determined to never get that bent out of shape over a girl again. It's a little easier when you're able to just assume that you'll never see them again anyway, but that doesn't make it happy; it just makes it easier to talk to them. Oh well. Pathetic ramblings about depression and missed love. That's what blogs are for, I suppose.

10/31/05 - 10:00 P.M.
Every now and then, when you're mildly depressed, something totally unexpected will happen that will cheer you up, even if only for a few minutes, and even if there isn't any real reason for it to make you happy. Tonight contained one of those moments.

10/26/05 - 9:00 P.M.
In recognition of his recent death on the 22nd at age 43, I have uploaded a new song, Captain Jack's, well, "Captain Jack". To any guy who was in our class back when we still had PE (and maybe some girls, if I ever played it loud enough), you'll remember this song. This is the first time that I had listened to it in several years, so it really brought back some memories.

Enjoy.

10/20/05 - 12:30 A.M.
Fourth grade sucked overall, but it had some good points. It's funny, some of the things that are still with me today...

There are days when those gray skies
Make you blue
Each forward step you take
You fall back by two

You've been hit by some hard knocks
You just can't stand
Feeling like Alice felt
In Wonderland
Let me be the one to lend a hand

Call my name and I'll be there
There's nothing like the laughter that we share
Whenever you need someone
Or a shoulder to lean on
Call me name and I'll be there

And when life's going your way
Just like a breeze
It's a kite flying kind of day
Above the trees

Together we'll be making memories

Call my name and I'll be there
There's nothing like the laughter that we share
Whenever you need someone
Or a shoulder to lean on
Call me name and I'll be there

As this world turns us around
We hang on to what we've found
A treasure we both need
I will go that extra mile
To give you back that certain smile
That you've given me, yeah

I'll answer every time and anywhere

Call my name and I'll be there
There's nothing like the laughter that we share
Whenever you need someone
Or a shoulder to lean on
Call me name and I'll be there

Call my name and I'll be there
Call my name and I'll be there
Call my name
Call my name
I'll be there

It's still as true now as it was ten years ago. If you want to hear it, the link is, of course, to the left; brings back memories.

It's strange how oftentimes, perhaps because it is easier, we see only the surface of...things, and completely miss what is really going on underneath. For that, I am sorry; please forgive me.

10/18/05 - 9:15 P.M.
Let my start by saying something that I've been intending to mention for a long time. This could apply to everyone, I suppose, but I think it applies especially to Firefox users. When you visit this site, especially if it appears that it hasn't been updated in several days, try hitting Ctrl+Enter. That will bypass the web browser's cache and load the entire page from the server. I suppose that could increase my bandwidth usage by a large amount, but considering how few people come here anyway, it probably won't cause any trouble.

Anyway, I'm doing a little experiment. You see, I'm going to send Jack Thompson the following letter, and I'm going to see what he does. Here it begins:

--------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Thompson,

I would like to begin by saying that I admire your efforts to prevent children from being able to buy M-rated games; this is a worthwhile cause. Just as a child should not be allowed admittance to an R-rated movie without a parent, so should a child be unable to buy an M-rated game--a parent may, however, purchase the game and allow their child to play it, if they see fit (after informed consideration).

There are a few points about your position that trouble me. You have said in the past that your only goal was to keep M-rated games out of children's hands. If this is the case, then I applaud you. What bothers me, however, is that the state legislation that you applaud and claim at least partial credit for bringing about, such as the recently-passed law in California, "fixes" a problem that might not even exist, causes a lot of collateral damage, and ignores the underlying problem.

The problem that is "fixed" by this type of legislation is the problem of a child walking into a store by themselves and walking out with an M-rated game. However, whether you choose to admit it or not, the fact of the matter is that it is not by this route that M-rated games most often find their way into children's hands. In reality, the clear majority of those who play games are over 18 to begin with (nearly 50% are, in fact, between the ages of 18 and 35; 25% are over 35; more than 45% of gamers are female), and of those children who purchase games themselves (such purchases account for less than 15% of total game sales), statistical analyses have shown that in an overwhelming majority of cases (95%, in fact), the parent is with the child when the game is purchased.

To simplify these statistics, it means that less than 1% of all game purchases are made by an unaccompanied child. I can testify from my own research, having observed hundreds if not thousands of transactions in retail game stores, that I cannot recall a single instance in which a customer who even appeared to be under 18 made a purchase without a parent or guardian present, and no memory whatsoever of such a customer buying an M-rated game. Keep in mind, the fact that 1% of game purchases are made by unaccompanied children cannot be taken to mean that all of those are of M-rated games; those make up an even smaller percentage. If one slips through the cracks, is it unfortunate? Yes. However, I fear that in trying to solve this problem, we risk overlooking a much deeper issue--one that cannot easily be legislated away.

While I personally have never seen a child buy an M-rated game on their own, I will certainly tell you of something that I have seen far too many times. A parent walks into a store, child in tow (let's say around 10 years old). Now this store, like virtually all others these days, has for years had numerous signs explaining the ESRB's rating system prominently displayed. On its TV(s), between trailers for upcoming titles, it even plays segments where sports figures like Tiger Woods explain the rating system in very clear terms. Every game in the store has a large rating symbol on the front of its case, and on the back, with a list of potentially offensive content (an element that the MPAA has only recently adopted for its movie ratings).

Anyway, this child, accompanied by parent, wants to buy Grand Theft Auto. Now, I have seen the following scenario play out time and time again, in exactly the following way:

1) The child asks the parent for Grand Theft Auto.
2) The parent asks the store employee for Grand Theft Auto.
3) The employee, seeing that it is the child who actually wants the game, respectfully informs the parent about the game's rating, and what is contained in the game, including the "17+" on the rating.
4) Here, in some rare instances, the parent will appear enlightened, and decline to purchase the game. Most of the time, unfortunately, whether because they think they know better than the ESRB, or simply because they want their child to be quiet, they will buy the game anyway, occasionally assaulting the employee verbally for telling them how to raise their child.

What I am saying is this: The problem of children playing M-rated games is more the result of bad parenting than retailer impropriety. This is a rather radical idea in our society today, where we like to think that if there's anyone who is blameless for the sins of the child, it's the parents.

Am I saying that Columbine was the fault of the victims' parents? Of course not (though you yourself have accused people of taking this position when they talk of parental responsibility). What I am saying is that Harris and Klebold's parents share more responsibility for their sons' actions, ultimately, than, say, the developers of Doom. Could anyone have done anything to prevent what happened at Columbine? We can never truly know on this side of eternity, but I can say without a doubt that the parents were in the best position to control the situation, and that in failing to do so, it is they who are the most to blame (after, of course, Harris and Klebold themselves).

The Bible instructs parents to raise their children in the ways of the Lord; it does not say that should they fail in this duty, that the blame can then be shifted to someone else. It does not mean that parents are the only ones responsible for the adults that their children grow up to be (nor does it by any means absolve a person from responsibility for their own actions), but the Bible emphasizes parenthood as one of the most important things that a person can do, and at the end of the day, it is the parent who is responsible for the influences that their child is exposed to, especially in their own home. Was it Id Software's fault that Harris and Klebold obtained a copy of Doom? To a degree, yes. Is it Id's fault that they were able to play it? Certainly not. Harris and Klebold's parents could have stepped in at this point, if not before, and this particular issue would have been dealt with. But they didn't (I won't bother to address the fact that they also let their sons obtain guns and build bombs in their bedrooms...).

One other thing bothers me. While I respect, and fully support, your efforts to keep children from being able to buy M-rated games, I've noticed that some of your correspondence with Congress regarding certain games contains a disturbing disregard for proper fact-checking and, in some cases, a disregard for the truth altogether.

Now I know that when people are new to the internet, some of them forget that not everything that is written on the internet is actually true. When you said that "according to video game news sites", the Sims 2 contains, "full frontal nudity, including nipples, penises, labia, and pubic hair," you were quoting a falsehood, plain and simple; it's just not true. The game contains no depictions of sex organs whatsoever, whether or not you jump through the unauthorized modification hoops necessary to remove the "mosaic" from the nude character models. There simply aren't any genitals present--at all. You could have examined the game yourself to verify these claims, but you did not--you read something on the internet, emailed Congress about it, and demanded that the game receive an AO rating based on hearsay.

You did a similar thing when Killer 7 was released. You quoted IGN.com's review as saying that Killer 7 contains "full-blown sex sequences", so you jumped on it, emailed the quotation to some Senators, and demanded an AO rating for the game. If you had viewed the game yourself, you would have noticed that:

1) The game's appearance is highly stylized, and not remotely realistic.
2) Both characters in this scene are fully clothed.
3) The "sex sequence" shown involves a moaning woman (again, fully clothed) straddling a man (fully clothed) and moaning. More sex than is found in Pong, but "full-blown" is a stretch of the imagination.

While Killer 7 is extremely violent and fully deserving of its M-rating, in terms of sexual content it is more in line with a movie with a PG-13 rating.

In conclusion, I would say that I would be willing to support state laws prohibiting the sale of M-rated games to minors, just as some states have similar laws regarding R-rated movies. However, the key issue is that the state should respect the ESRB's ratings, and enforce them accordingly--not establish a separate body to rate content. This is why I cannot support California's new law in its current form.

Lastly, I would mention that while our Savior did not hesitate to confront and rebuke sin where He found it, He also demonstrated patience and respect when speaking to people. If someone was wrong in what they were doing, He was not afraid to let them know it, but Peter reminds us in 1 Peter 2:17 that we are to, "Respect all men. Love your Christian brothers. Fear God. Respect the king." Calling Grand Theft Auto a disgusting game is one thing. Comparing Doug Lowenstein to Hitler for defending its Constitutional right to exist is another thing entirely.

I understand that you have received death threats in recent months, and I know full well that much of the reaction to your outspokenness is met with hatred and violent murmurings among the gaming community. I sincerely hope and pray that you would be able to see that the most vocal group is not always the true majority, and that in reality, the gaming community is a diverse one, filled with people who, most of all, simply want to have fun together. Video games allow for exciting possibilities and experiences that past generations could only dream of. Are some dangerous and threatening possibilities now made possible by video games? Of course, but the same has been true of movies, photographs, books, music, and even cave paintings.

Our responsibility is to govern what we expose ourselves to with wisdom; it is the parent's responsibility to make these judgments for their children. It is my concern that in giving the government the ability to tell us what we can't watch, see, hear or think, we are stepping out onto a slippery slope that ends with the government telling us what we will watch, see, hear and think. All I ask is caution.

May God bless and guide you in the years to come.
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I do hope that the injection of religion does not sound too phony, because that was not my intent. I felt that since Thompson has recently chosen to invoke Christianity in his mass emails, I was justified in responding in kind. We'll see if he has anything to say. Given his record, I expect something ranging from "you're an idiot" to "you're a nut" to "see you in court".

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