the old diary compressed
part 1
I have to do this in two parts, because the server is a bitch kitty
September 2000
Tuesday September 12, 2000.
I think my sense of reality has been warped in some way. Why just the other morning I saw a truck parked in the school lot that said "Luck Brothers" on it. My immediate thought was that I truly was lucky and for that bit of
omen it should be a good day. And then I thought, well I wonder if that's their real name, or if they used it as a gimmick. Therefore would my luck be short sighted? If they were fakes would the good omen be fake too? I caught myself mid-swing and decided to take that bit of providence as it was. It would be a lucky day. And maybe because I believed it, or maybe just because, it was a lucky day. I accomplished almost all of my work. I read some tarot for two of the girls down the hall. I had a great time. It's a good thing I put more stock in omens than most other people I know.
C a Girl
Thursday 14, 2000.
So I've been really out of it. My allergies are at an all time worse for me. Migraines everyday, a running nose, sore body, sore lungs, poor sleeping habits. However I've been socializing with the other girls on my floor (I live
in a dorm for those of you who don't know). They are all unique people with excitement, dreams, ambition and hardships. Especially harassment from one of the guys down the hall. I don't usually face this because compared to them I'm not stereotypically beautiful. I am however well-endowed and get shit about that. This guy loves to yell slurs about sex and "hot ass" through his window as the girls walk by in the street below. I swear to all things holy I'm going to kick him square in the nuts when I get the chance.
C a Girl
Sunday 17, 2000.
I took a walk last night with T*. We headed down to the quick-mart at the end of the road laughing hysterically about some new theatrical ideas we were having. When we got there we ran from aisle to aisle trying to figure out what exactly it was that we wanted. Chocolate. It was a craving, a need. And then beef jerky. A passion. So I found a chocolate bar (Hershey's with Almonds) at the bottom of the rack. It was covered in dust and I showed it to the guy at the register, a young man with spiky hair. I made some comment about having a feather
duster and he left the counter for a moment. He returned with one and proceeded to dust off my chocolate. It was the single most flattering moment for me out of the entire year 2000. A man dusting my chocolate.
C a Girl
Sunday 24, 2000.
I noticed I haven't written in a while. It just figures. I've been a little preoccupied this week. I performed in the theatre sports league, placing third out of four. I guess I was a little too concerned with winning and I didn't have such a good time. My family came up last night. We hung out in my room and ordered pizza. We watched the Cider House Rules and the Olympics. We've decided that the Aussies are cheating, the Russians suck and one of the Chinese girl gymnast's has a penis. Fun stuff indeed.
C a Girl
Wednesday 27, 2000.
I looked my friend Moon* up on her colleges web-site. I dropped her a line at her e-mail address. I am hoping and praying she responds in haste. I miss her terribly. It's odd how you realize how much you miss someone when they're gone. I watched "Fight Club" for the third time with Kimmy tonight. Rock ass awesome movie. It was sort of an eye-opener. What if you were forced to give up all your material possessions? What if you could run a fight club? I was thinking about it and maybe it would be cool. And I want to learn how to make soap
now. Ciao for now,
C a Girl
October 2000
Monday October 2, 2000.
I'm up all night again, not able to sleep. When ever I get sick I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep it's only because the physical exhaustion takes over. So that sucks. On a happier note I'm going to Canada on Thursday.
I get to spend the whole weekend in Stratford for a theatre festival. In other news I'm busier than I know how to deal with. I'm going to rehearsals for the main-stage show I'm in (and it's coming along). I'm working on putting up my one act play, which by the way is going really well. And I'm working for crew and getting trained for it at the same time (they hang lights and run sound and such for shows at P-burgh). I'm also trying to make it to all my classes. It's not so bad, but my planner is one scribbled mess. I don't have any more room to work on my other projects, which I guess is ok, but that means the site is going to be a little neglected. Oh well. Can't win 'em all.
C a Girl
Wednesday October 4, 2000.
I'm freaking out. Well, only a little. I called home today and talked to Matty (my fiance for those of you who don't know). He's ok. He was up last weekend and as he was leaving I guess he saw my old friend Stan*. Matty says Stan was all up in his face and he kept saying that he was going to kick his ass or whatever. So now I'm confused. Ok, I know where my loyalties lie and I know whom to believe, but that is so uncharacteristic of Stan. He's not an extremely violent person. And I know he can be a real f*ck sometimes, joking with you in a way so you don't know he's joking. Maybe he was teasing Matty, with no real intentions of starting a fight, but still.
That's f*cked up.
C a Girl
Sunday October 15, 2000.
I've been reading tarot mad crazy lately. I've done at least one hundred readings in the past month and a half. I usually don't do that much in an entire year. I saw Stan this weekend. While Matty was with me. Not too many words were exchanged and you could sense the tension. Stan mentioned he was glad to see I was keeping in touch with the other side by reading my tarot. I smiled, for half a second and then frowned because I remembered Matty was grimacing at every word we exchanged. I suppose I should write to Stan and explain. Maybe I should leave him in the dark. I don't know, but they're both frustrating to deal with together when they're in the same room.
C a Girl
Monday October 30, 2000.
Things have been real eventful. My show went off this weekend fairly well. It snowed yesterday. I ordered Chinese food out. And let me tell you, it was good. I'm now gearing up for the next show and starting to work on costumes for the show after that. What do all of these have to do in the big scheme of things? Nothing. I'm just keeping myself busy until I die. Very busy. I worry about what life is about. Especially lately, around the holidays and all. Halloween is a true test of faith for me. What does it mean exactly? Is it a time to dress up pretty and get fat off candy or is it a time to celebrate the changing of the seasons, the day of the dead? Do all the spirits of the dead folks come out to celebrate with us on this day? Do I worry about stupid sh!t way too much? Well I can answer that one. Of course. See you later,
C a Girl
November 2000
Wednesday November 15, 2000.
Long time no see. Another one of my shows opens tonight. Oddly enough I'm not at all nervous, though I've got to tell you the truth, I really think I suck. Maybe it's because I don't have the same intensity I did a few rehearsals ago. Or maybe it's because the character is just second hand nature now. She doesn't feel forced or even relaxed, she's just there. Maybe it's the lack of sleep talking. I tell you that wonderful Stratford trip really screwed up my sleeping habits. Hopefully I'll get them back on track. Then again the odd hours have been great for my creativity. We'll see.
C a Girl
Sunday November 19, 2000.
I wrote a poem I thought I should share. It is entitled C.S. Lewis, and I'm very confused about it.
"You smile at the look on my face as you glance at me
I'm distracted by the little vein on your forehead while you talk
It rivets me to the spot
Making me unable to move
You speak with passion about fantasy
Your joy at an old frayed copy of Lord of the Rings
I spout on about faeries and C. S. Lewis
While you sit amazed that a girl likes the same things you do
Have you ever met someone so perfect
Yet so taken by something else
So wrapped in another identity that in this lifetime
It is impossible but unavoidable to love
The kind of love you could write sonnets about
The kind of life all your friends would envy
But neither will make a move
Whether because the feeling is not returned
Or because both are scared of where this life will take them"
All I have to say about that is, your mom.
C a Girl
Tuesday November 21, 2000.
Kind of excited about leaving for break. Having lots of confusing thoughts about everything. I came to the realization last night that I'm not in the right place in my life. It scared the shite out of me. So where do I go? I decided that I'm going to sit on it for now. There's no need in dragging out this big huge rush of emotions right now. I'm at a confusing point anyway and still depressed after I finished my show, which was tough. I cried every night and I didn't think I was going to. Goes to show how well I actually know myself. I've caught myself falling back into the character once or twice, but I've managed to contain her and push her back down. She's too stressful to tell you the truth. She pisses me off. She doesn't do anything about her pain and suffering. She just sits there and lets it all happen to her. And I know that's sort of what I'm doing right now. But it's not the same. I'm trying not to let myself get hurt. I'm trying to avoid pain, but not causing any for others. I don't think that's wrong. Vacation will be nice for a change though. Nothing to think or worry about much beyond "Is the turkey burned?" or "Has Dave been in the spiked punch again?" I hope.
C a Girl
Tuesday November 28, 2000.
I pretty much slept through all day yesterday. I updated my Book of Shadows the day before and was reading back some of the stuff I'd written before. I have some really phucked up dreams. I'm wondering how much more of my life I'm going to waste by being stupid and sleeping away days at a time. I think it's a phase. I swear to Norm (another story all together) I've never been this bad before. Maybe it's just the year 2000 that's got me in a slump. I can't seem to get anything right, nor can I get anything done.
C a Girl
December 2000
December 7, 2000
I'm ready to cry again. Nothing is going as it should and life is very phucked up right now. I came to crossroads the other night and now I'm just sitting in the middle of them and waiting for something to trigger a decision from me. The truth of the matter is I'm going to make my decisions and nothing else can help me. I keep getting the feeling though that I should just sit tight until winter break because something will change or happen to help me decide where I want to end up.
This is all so confusing and scary and I'm not sure I want to deal with it all yet. I realize that the gods can't help me and no matter how much The Stag King wants me to run to his side open armed it's not going to happen any time soon. He wants to help, they all do, but they can't. They're not here to hold my hand when I'm crying or cuddle me to sleep. They can try, but they can't actually be there. They've never taken human flesh on and given it a try, not for me they haven't. That kind of hurts and I wonder why I believe in them and have any ounce of faith in anything.
I have faith in myself and that I'll somehow find a way to phuck things up. I have faith in my own stupidity and my complete lack of a back bone. I have faith in fear.
These are not things to have faith in at all. I worry. I worry too much. Is it my time to shine or my turn to screw up again? I'm just waiting for an excuse to ruin my life it seems. Maybe I never wanted to live this life and fell into it as some punishment for a former life. Maybe I never should have come here.
This is not where my mind should be. This is not how I should feel. Yet it is. And it remains that I'm still standing with the past at my back and the future on a forked tongue of road waiting for me to step forward and embrace
it. Phuck me.
C a Girl
Saturday 9, 2000
Things are a little less melodramtic than they were when we last parted. Some of my issues have resovled themselves nicely and other will be worked on over break. You won't recieve any entries during the course of January. I'll be home with little or no access to the net and no patience to update the page. But if anything occurs to me, I'll write it down and type it later. Hopefully break will go better than the end of my semester has.
C a Girl
*Some of the names have been changed or shortened because I like to protect the guilty identities of my friends
part 2
Click your heels three times and I'll take you home