the old diary compressed
part 2
January 2001
January 28, 2001
Had an interesting break. My dog had worms, I got the flu and my brother called my sister a big fat c*nt. Otherwise I had some truly peculiar and vivid dreams wherein I was a princess everytime. T said that this was going to be an awkward semester when we got back to school. So far she hasn't been wrong. I don't know whether to hug some people or run away. All the crises I had before leaving have settled themselves. I'm still a little confused, but that's to be expected.
Am I still in a spiritual crisis? Not so much. My dreams have been helping me a lot. And I got the chance to talk to Gen last night. She helps more than I think she knows. I had a smile a mile long because of her yesturday.
The boyfriend and I have resolved a majority of our issues and conflicts and haven't had a bad fight since christmas. I suppose I have some things to be thankful for. I kick myself in the head for not appreciating him as much as I should. He's really wonderful for me, but I find myself be-grudging our relationship sometimes. It's like I don't want to allow myself to be happy. I'm not that bad. I need to give myself some credit.
I'm glad to be back at school and in the middle of work. I had some minor stress during the first week, but it's been a lot smoother since. I'm back in my own space. I can sleep naked again. I can watch Saturday morning cartoons (Rising Sun on Cartoon Network is great) without any small children running in and interrupting. It's not so bad a life after all.
Peace out.
C a Girl
January 31, 2001
Ok, not happy. I cannot sleep during the appropriate hours of the night. I feel like crying and I can't. I feel like talking to people, but I really want to be alone. I feel like neglecting myself, I am. Am I depressed? I don't know.
How can a human being change so much in three days time? How can I person go from a high to a low in less than 72 hours? Was I always this way and I just never noticed it until now? Am I damaged? I worry sometimes that maybe I was born with a mental disease. But then I think maybe somehow my childhood traumatized me, and that's why I am how I am now. And I don't even know how I am now. It's like this really wonderful Smashing Pumpkins song "to forgive". It talks about sensing loss and feeling nothing. "Holding back the fool again." I do that everyday. "I forget to forgive me." I think I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I fear that maybe there's some madness crouching in the corner waiting for me to be at my weakest. And then it will leap and render me useless. I found myself curled up in a little ball at my doorway this evening. Unable to sleep or cry or eat or do anything worthwhile. I suppose I'll be ok. I just need some time to reconnect myself to the world around me. I suppose it's those times when I feel so far away from anyone else that this kind of thing happens. I just need to pluck up, pull up my chin and my boot straps and take it as it comes. It's not like I'm having a bad life, or any reason to be depressed. It's just that that's where I landed. We'll see where I go from here.
Thanks for listening,
C a Girl
February 2001
February 6, 2001
Well. Ok. So I'm doing a whole lot better than my little existential crisis the other day. That was bad. That was real bad. But I realized it was my lack of connection with people and a momentary flight of memory from my more than damaged brain. I must have forgotten everything I know about how life works and about how people work. I'm in the middle of another theatre project which will carry me right to the end of the month. And of course I'm still in romantic land. I'm on cloud 9. And I couldn't really tell you why.
Sometimes I feel like my head is just above water and I've been treading for hours. Other times I'm simply floating above the river on a bed of air. My favorite image of myself is when I feel that something big is going to happen. I'm standing on the very edge of a waterfall, really more like levitating above a small rock outcropping in the middle of it and I'm about to be carried over the edge. I'm about to slip into the water and sink softly to the bottom. I can only see the white and greeny blue waters swirling below and I feel the pull. But not just yet. I'm still hanging on by my tiptoes.
That's how I feel right now.
C a Girl
February 13, 2001
"But I need to know, will you stay for all time? Forever and a day. Well I'll give my heart, til the end of all time. Forever and a day." -Fisher
"I'm an asshole" -Dennis Leary
"God I feel like hell tonight... Are you strong enough to be my man?" -Sheryl Crow
"I wake up to beat the sun from her glory. I'm only one cigarette away from mobility. It's always punch in, punch out. Go to work and go back home. There's only one chance left and I know, and I know she is waiting." -Seven Mary Three
"Open your eyes, look up to the skies, and see." -Queen
"Sotto Fureru Mono" -Evangelion, the greatest anime ever
"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end ... I will let you down. I will make you hurt." -NIN
"I've been drowning forever. I'll let go. I'll dive into the river and flow." -Transistor
"If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied and I won't betray the things that I hide. There's not enough years underneath this belt for me to admit the way that I felt." -Seven Mary Three
C a Girl
February 15, 2001
I went to bed with the biggest smile on my face last night. Even though I didn't stay in bed long. Creative urges you know, have to get up and follow them for the time being since I've been at a dry streak. But anyway. The reason why I was smiling was because of Genny. When we were saying goodbye last night I said "Goodnight my sweet princess." And she replied "Only if I wake with your taste on my lips, my fairest Queen." Squish. Squish.
C a Girl
February 19, 2001
So I had a harrowing weekend. One of my little cousins was in the hospital. But she's kinda ok now. So, that's cleared up. We had a bad rehearsal for the show I'm working on. But we fixed it. So that's ok. Boyfriend suprised me by coming up. He's gone home now. So that's taken care of. And one of my dear friends had a crisis yesterday evening and I talked him through it. I felt really good that he called me to help him out and not anyone else. However phucked and selfish that is, but I value his friendship very much. So that's nice. Otherwise I'm just listening to Tori and going with what come next. Which is all news to me.
C a Girl
February 24, 2001
Things just seem too coincidental lately to even be possible. I'm running in to people just as I'm thinking of them. Or reading a play that mentions a kind of champagne I've had before. Or fortune cookies. And I think I'm the only person who's seeing all these odd things coming together. My feet are dangling just over the center of "The Great Cosmic Car Crash (C.O. Adrienne Arno)" and she's about to collide once again.
Not that that's a bad thing. My whole extraneous love life is kind of funny at this point. Almost absurd. No, ludicrous. He loves her. She doesn't. She leads him on (can we say mind phuck)? He turns to me for comfort.
Great. Can anyone sense the tension? How about the sarcasm? And the fact that she always puts me in the middle of these things and she knows how I feel about him. Not complicated. Very simple. Just stop. Just grow up. Not that hard, huh?
I'm thinking maybe I should just let go. Like the quote above. Just dive into the river and flow. I'm about ready to. More later. Gotta thing,
C a Girl
February 26, 2001
I think the fates are trying to tell me something.
What exactly it is though, I have yet to discover.
C a Girl
February 28, 2001
The past 72 hours have been spent tearing my hair out. It's like I took an honesty pill, and I've yet to recover from the purging effects of it.
My boyfriend knows everything I'm feeling all too well. I'm bothered by the fact that he can't understand that it takes time for me to heal and to figure out what I want from life. I'd like to spend my life with him. Do I think it's possible? Of course not. That's why I'm in such a struggle right now.
Do I think I could spend my whole life with any one person? I just don't see it happening.
I'm cascading with the water. Flowing, diving, spinning in a whirlwind of honesty. I can't wait to see what the bottom looks like.
I'll be 22 in May. An adult. I'm starting to feel the effects of it already. The insane responsibility. And all at the same time, the desire to let go of control and just let life show me where to go.
My little intuitions are getting stronger every day. Pretty soon I'll have my own psychic hot-line. Maybe it's because I can handle it now. The maturity is settling in and I can listen better. I can actually hear things and
understand. Maybe that's why I'm having problems with the boy-toy. He hears things. But he doesn't get what I'm saying. I need someone who can just understand me, without having to ask me to explain myself.
Maybe I have grown past him and even myself. I've turned into this person I never thought I could be. And I'm getting more like the self I want to be every day. I'm still a stupid shite sometimes, but I'm getting there. Closer
and closer at the dawn of each day. And further from what I hate about myself at the dusk of each eve.
I'm such a head case, but I know I'm really not. I think the best word for me is eccentric. So eccentrically yours,
C a Girl
March 2001
March 2, 2001
Well thank Buddah for some things. So my juvenile crush on mister macho stud is all over now. I woke up and miraculously felt nothing. Of course, I did feel something. But it was for someone else. It was for a Faerie Princess on the other side of NY state.
As U2 said, "It's a beautiful day"
C a Girl
March 17, 2001
Haven't written in awhile. It's been chernobyl up here in the good old Burgh. I'm single again. And it's not really a good thing, but it was the right thing. If that makes any sense. And I'm not talking to "Little Miss Can't Be
Wrong." For all intensive purposes, I just don't trust her anymore. Although myself and the aforementioned crush are speaking again. He knows everything, and we're cool again. Which is stellar. I'm leaving for spring break in a few hours. I'm a little excited, a little nervous. My mom reamed me out for the break-up, but at least we're talking again and civilly so. She realizes I'm right. And I'm glad that she acknowledges that. Other than that I'm just going to do some "WWF" style family bonding with my siblings for the next week. And I'll see ya when I see ya.
C a Girl
March 30, 2001
As always during the months when the most happens I have the least amount of time to tell you about it. Strange dreams. Lots of them. And last night I was the heroine of a mini-series of inter-connected fantasies. At first my sister and I (both decent witches) had to battle an evil witch before she harnessed the powers of the moon. Then I had to find a sunken treasure with my best-male friend before his conniving step-mothers robbed him of what was rightfully left him by his father. Then I had to face the big question as my best-friend asked me to marry him. Of course I said no, let's just keep things as they are.
Hind sight is 20/20 after all.
I'm wanting to harness some magic of my own. After all, I know I have it and I know it's there for my use. I just have no idea what to do with it. I think The Fool is telling me to get off my arse and do something wonderful with
my life. But just what I've not the slightest clue. As he yells at me and tells me I have no idea how to read the signs properly, since they always point me in the right direction, so long as I'm willing to take the first step. I love
it. I'm a retard.
C a Girl
April 2001
April 16, 2001
Depressed. Confused. Sorting out my life. All good reasons as to why I haven't written in a blue streak.
It's not because I don't love airing my dirty laundry for the general public. If any of you care anyway. Most of this is for me. That's why I do it. That's why I do everything.
I dunno. I don't know about anything anymore. Sometimes I feel as free as a bird. And others I feel like a cloistered nun. When do I get to break out of my birthday cake. Is this the year when I finally feel adult enough to tell my mom and dad that I don't need a birthday cake? I doubt it.
But you never know. Maybe it will be. Only 19 more days. And then I turn 22. On the doorstep of adulthood and not counting birthdays anymore. On the doorstep of a world that doesn't give a shite what I do or how I feel.
Boy did I pick the wrong profession.
Part of my problem is that I've been a raw nerve lately. Everything everyone says to me cuts a lot deeper than they think. I'm not exactly tough skinned. I'm kind of a pathetic witch. No, I am a pathetic witch. I couldn't hex someone properly if Steve Graves did it for me. Wow, I suck. But I don't suck. And that's another one of my problems. My self esteem has plummeted. To the bottom. I've reached the bottom. The view is fine, but nothing matters. Nothing matters here. Well, except from which direction the next kick will come from.
If the bottom isn't so bad then how is the top?
C a Girl
April 17, 2001
Had some interesting dreams last night. Most of them were about Crew (the people I work with to get shows running on campus). There was lots of rigging and conferences and the such. Weird. Wonder what that was all
about? (Sense the sarcasm)
I'm hoping the rest of today will be better than the last. We'll see.
C a Girl
April 18, 2001
The wee hours of the morning: Can I not be a human being?
I refuse to be nice anymore. You fuckers don't wanna talk to me? You know what? I'm not gonna waste my time anymore. I'm not going to play nicey nice while everyone else is cramming their godamn apathy down my throat. I refuse to care anymore.
Can't I be allowed to feel the ugly things every now and then? There is bad in the world and far be it for me to avoid it anymore. I'm not going to be everyone's friend because not everyone likes me or "knows how to deal with me." What the F-U-C-K is that? Don't know how to deal with me? Didn't know I was that much of a
handful.
Mom, is it time for my bottle yet? Can you please change my diaper while we're at it? Thanks.
C a Girl
April 19, 2001
Wow, I'm funny when I'm angry.
And now that that is out of my system... I discovered the power of wording today. The thing I wished to come true the other night did. I wished that I would have the grace to let things go. Except I let them go in a different way than I expected to. I let them go vocally and through my writing. I let go with the force of the furies behind me. I vented to all that were present, unabashedly creaming the people I hate into a pulp. I didn't let them slide, like I thought I had asked to. I figured I'd just let things go and forget about it, but I didn't. I screamed to the world all that I felt in my heart. And I accidently alienated one of my friends, but that's her call. She can grow up and talk to me on her own time, not mine.
Must remember to be more specific next time I write a spell for myself cause those fuckers really do work.
The witch is back. Steve would be proud.
Twilight and moonlight,
C a Girl
April 29, 2001
Haven't written in awhile. Figured my sleep depraved mind could use a little undoing.
I wonder why it is that I form my strongest bonds with people just before they leave for some far off place. For example I am developing a really wonderful friendship with a guy I work with and he's leaving soon. Just as we
were bonding tightly he's off back home. The same thing happened with Gen. And with all my high school pals. I didn't meet them until my senior year and that's all I had with them. It's amazing how quickly these things go by. Maybe I'm doomed to meet and connect but then move away. Or rather stay where I am and the other person leaves. Is it a curse I can't shake? Or is it one of those providencial blessings in disguise.
Thinking back on the past week: I made it through a class on Thursday that I would not have been able to a year ago. And it was all because of the strange events of the past three years here in conjuction with Steve and my
blossoming as a tarotist and witch. We did some quasi-hypno-imagination stuff that I would never have made it through had I not gone through the looking glass last year. Which is hard enough to explain in itself, but it was in the deeper realms of my semi-conscious mind that I started to forgive myself. Forgiveness was a concept I couldn't grasp until just recently and with it has come a beautiful thing, the ability to no longer blame myself for shit that I didn't do. A revelation if you will.
Enjoying the rest of my afternoon in the form of a nap,
C a Girl
*Some of the names have been changed or shortened because I like to protect the guilty identities of my friends
Bring me back to the beginning
On second thought...