This is a piece I attempted to get published by the local newspaper. They rejected it - maybe because it was too long. Well, I want people to read it, and the best place to do that is on the Web, I guess...
As you read, remember that this work is a satire of some people's attitudes and not intended to reflect my own opinions on writing. I was in extreme pain at what I perceived to be the attitude of the academic world at the time of writing, so this piece was theraputic for me.
1. Be MISERABLE. Yes, you heard that right. Happiness is an illusion - We all know that! Why write about that great day you had or the deeply fulfilling life of a charming office clerk when you can whine and complain about everything in life that doesn��t go right? That's reality, it is. Most people just can't deal with the fact that not everything in the real world is happiness and sunshine and butterflies, so they seek escapism from that painful truth through whimsy happy little fairy tales where everybody lives happily ever after. Don't be like them! DEAL with it. Write about the trauma, the violence, and the suffering that exists everywhere in our society but is largely ignored by the brainless masses who are too busy buying cool jeans from big greedy environmentally-irresponsible capitalist businesses to think about them. You might not find much of an audience except for angst-ridden depression sufferers, but who cares? At least you've proven yourself braver than most people in that you are willing to ask the questions and deal with the REAL, deep issues. And what can be deeper than darkness?
2. Be MEANINGFUL. Every paragraph, every sentence, every word and letter of your work must aim towards the expression of its serious, deep message or moral. Why write entertainment? Yeah, sure, it sells. But only to the audience who don't even know what "profundity" means and are too stupid and wimpy to understand the message you��re so desperately trying to convey to them for their own good. After all, literature is "the conscience of society". What a responsibility doth rest upon your shoulders, writer! So don't waste your talent on trivial trash for reading with a cup of coffee on Saturday afternoon. Write about something IMPORTANT AND DEEP - Whether it's a profound insight into human nature, society, or the cruelty of this world. Yes, use humour occasionally, but only to prepare your readers for the much more serious and important parts of your writing. Entertainment is a useless waste of brains and those who demand it in literature just don't have any.
3. Have an IMPORTANT ISSUE featured in your literature. That will show everyone how deep you are and how concerned you are for the state of our world, and they'll know you're a truly great writer. Any issue affecting the world at large and must be resolved will do - Stuff like child labour, women's rights, crime, war, pollution, starving children in Africa and lousy TV shows are all appropriate. People today are so selfish and insensitive that they never give a thought to the fact that their Starbucks coffee comes from the exploitation of Third World farmers or that while they complain about their homework load there are children in this world who can't even afford education. They desperately need to WAKE UP! So be society's alarm clock. Write about a serious issue, make at least a few more aware, and make the world a better place - Most people will be too dumb to even get a hundredth of our messages, but if you push them hard enough and repeat them over and over again we might just see a few people rushing to donate all their life savings to World Vision and live the rest of their lives as a holy man in the forest. The world will then truly be a better place - at least for yourself, because you'll have an excuse for feeling all smug about how morally superior you are to the indifferent human herd.
4. Engender GUILT. This is an extremely effective method to get your important issue (as mentioned above) across to your readers. Most people, who are so selfish that they would rather chat about their own high school exams than the needless suffering of child prostitutes in India (a mentality highly encouraged by our shallow, superficial consumer culture), must realize what we intellectual ones already know - That EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US have a responsibility to feel ongoing anguish for all the pain and suffering in this world because WE ARE ALL PERSONALLY GUILTY. This state of mind leads to humility, self-realization and altruism, precious qualities so rare in the world today. So instill guilt in your readers by every means possible - One way is to collectivize the masses. Use broad, all-inclusive terms such as "we", "people", "humans", etc in statements such as "People are so rude these days" and "We are polluting the planet". This will instantly dismiss your readers' scapegoating assumption that only a few people and groups are responsible for the state of our world today.
5. Make your good guy/gal DIFFERENT. Human history should teach all of us that the general public has much difficulty in accepting people who are ��different��even when that difference is clearly the result of a higher level of intellect and morality. Why do you think our schools have such a bullying problem? Remember what wise King Solomon wrote: "The man of thinking ability is hated." Unfortunately that hasn't changed in our current fast food and junk novel society. So, as writers, it is our duty to foster a glorious new society...One in which art and thought is held in high regard and as common in everyday life as McDonalds', and what we now consider to be "cool", like cute movie stars and the latest car model, are stupid! You can help in this grand and honorable revolution. Make your hero or heroine a kind, sensitive, smart character who is rejected by most people around him/her because his opinions - which are undeniably RIGHT, is in conflict with those of his society, which are self-serving, prejudiced, fascist or whatever. Remember that we only portray things as they truly are. Hopefully, the masses of the real world will see themselves in the close-minded immoral majorities of our work, and one day that New World will come!
6. Be a NONCONFORMIST. Who needs rules in writing or stupid trivial traditions? They��re for the Dark Ages when 99.999999% of people, even the enlightened ones, had naive faith and trust in the goodness of the world. Remember what William Shakespeare wrote in King Lear: "Wherefore should I stand in the plague of custom?" Archaic structural rules, such as the ones that said a play ��must�� have three acts and a poem four lines per verse are out of date in this modern age, where we have realized that chaos is the rule of nature and order the unnatural, oppressive dream of man. Laws and traditions destroy who we are and who we want to be - Just look at those street-kids in the alley, victims of society with all its regulations! To be able to step across the lines, and break the rules that were made to be broken but few dare to, is evidence of a truly bold, revolutionary, and great writer. So refuse to confirm. Structure grammar order and word forget conventional. cAPItaliZatioN dOeSn��t maTTer eiTheR. (Remember the great e.e. cummings?) And who cares about chronological sequencing? Place events together in no particular order for some "effect" and leave your readers to figure out which one happened when. Don��t worry if they get confused - They��re just too close-minded and prejudiced to appreciate your impeccable mind-boggling unconventional avant-garde Picasso-like work. Remember: They are the prisoners of society��s laws and structure. You can only pity them.
7. Be a FLOP. Most people, with brains the size of hydrogen atoms, will not readily see your writing for the work of genius that it is and shrug it off with "too dark", "too confusing" or "not funny enough". So, if your book doesn��t get on the Top 10 list after three days, don't be surprised - or disappointed. Just take that as evidence of your incomprehensible thinking ability which ranges so far above that of the common man that he has no idea what you're talking about. The masses of mankind salivate for "entertainment" - that useless brain-rotter which takes up all the space that should have been used to absorb the profound messages and serious issues which you try so desperately to convey to them. Remember: "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity", and any lack of it is just proof of your greatness. You are likely so great and so ahead of your time that the public will only recognize your work after your death, like they did Van Gogh��s. You will then go down in history like Dickens and the Brontes.
Another method to instill guilt is to create a general character, an "everyman" whom the reader can identify with, and develop your writing so that he/she comes to the understanding that every little action of his own, even his existence itself, brings pain to other people, animals, the environment and such - and so his own enjoyment of life is, in a way, wrong. For example, he may toss a piece of rubbish into the sea, which results in a toxic algal bloom that destroys the livelihoods of the area's poor fisherman.
Having done our duty as socially responsible writers and engendered guilt in our readers, we will then be able to enjoy our First World capitalist luxury without all the guilt we now carry - Because we'd have passed it over to the new bearers.
If by any chance you do become a best-selling author, don't feel too bad. We all need to make money to survive in this capitalist society, but if your work is popular then you should take a good, honest look at yourself. Are you selling out, perhaps "toning down", to what the public will accept? Are you truly writing for your university-educated critics and colleagues instead of for that uncouth horde of barbarians? Face it. Whose approval do you really want?
