to my Stand-Up Theatre!

How do you catch a crazy squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Real sign outside a used vehicles dealer: Why go somewhere else to be cheated when you can come right here?

A chicken goes into a library and says: "Bawk". The librarian asked: "Do you want a book?" She gives the chicken a book. The chicken takes the book and leaves. A while later the chicken comes back and says: "Bawk, bawk." The librarian asked: "Oh, you want two books?" and gives the chicken two books. It leaves and a while later comes back, clucking "Bawk, bawk, bawk." The librarian gave the chicken three books, but by now she was rather curious as to what was going on. She followed the chicken out of the library. The chicken, clutching the three books, walked to a pond. There was a big frog sitting beside it. The chicken dropped the books in front of the frog, and he said, in his deep frog voice: "Red-it, red-it, red-it."

Three people ran out of the bank they've just robbed, narrowly missing being caught by a policeman. They decided to hide: One climbed up a tree, one dove into a trash can and the third hid in a potato field.
The policeman looked up the tree, and the first robber said: "Tweet, tweet".
The policeman kicked the trash can and the second robber said: "Meow".
The policeman ruffled the potato leaves, and the third robber said: "Potato, potato".

Two ships collided yesterday: One carried a cargo of red paint and the other carried a cargo of blue paint. The crew was marooned.

My friend is a very responsible person. Whenever something goes wrong, he is usually responsible.

A man went to an auction to bid for a rare parrot. Finally, he won - after a long and tiring bid. As he left with the bird, he said to the auctioneer: "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I paid five thousand dollars for him!"
The auctioneer said: "Of course he can talk. Who did you think kept bidding against you?"

Answering machine message: Hi, I'm not at home right now. I'm just out avoiding someone I don't like. So, leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

This man was walking around the countryside when he sees an old farmer standing in a field, just doing nothing. He goes up to the farmer and asked what he was doing.
The farmer replied: "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
The man was astonished. "How are you going to win a Nobel Prize by standing around here?"
The farmer said: "Don't you know that they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field?"

This really dumb girl goes up to a soft drink vending machine. She puts a coin in the slot and presses a button. POP! A Coke came out.
Then she puts another coin in and presses another button. POP! A Sprite came out.
Then she puts another coin in, pushes another button, and POP! A Fanta came out.
A man shouted at her: "Hurry up! I've been waiting for ages!"
The girl yelled back: "Shut up! Can't you see I'm winning?"

New employee: How much salary will I get?
Boss: When you start out, you'll get seven dollars an hour. Next year, it increases to nine dollars an hour.
New employee: Great! See you next year!

Little Sally was mad at her mother for making her eat all the broccoli and put her toys away when she wanted to watch TV. She packed up her favorite toys, her moneybox and some clothes, and announced boldly: "I'm running away from home."
Her mother asked: "What will happen when you get hungry?"
Sally replied: "I'll come home to eat."
"And when you run out of money?"
"I'll come home for some more."
"And when your clothes get dirty?"
"I'll bring them home and let Mummy wash them."
Sally's Dad, who has been listening, said to his wife with a smile, "Our kid is not running away from home. She's going to university."

What do you call a policeman in bed?
An undercover cop.

Why is a banana skin on the pavement like playing the piano?
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Notes on doctor's chart: By the second day the knee was better and by the third day it had disappeared completely.

Policeman: Why were you driving so fast?
Offender: Well, officer, my brakes weren't working and I wanted to get home before I had an accident...

Why was the mattress seller fired?
He was lying down on the job.

Adam wasn't the only man in the Bible who had no parents.
Joshua was the son of Nun.

What movie do cows like best?
The Sound of Moo-sic.

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger!

Two men stood on the edge of a small cliff. One had a budgie on his shoulder. The other had a parrot on his. They both jump - THUD! And hit the ground.
They picked themselves up and dusted their pants. The first man said: "I don't think I fancy this budgie jumping." The other man replied, "Yeah, I'm not too crazy about this parrot gliding either."

There was this lady who gave her baby a packet of old stamps to play with and then lied down on the sofa to fall asleep. Some time later, a man knocked at her door. Upset at having her nap disturbed, she opened it - But much to her surprise, the man just stared at her, backed off, and ran away.
She looked in the mirror, and saw why. Her face was covered with stamps.

A new educational children's TV show, featuring the worlds of classical and jazz music, has just been taken off the air. It contained too much sax and violins.

Two students and a teacher were walking through the school grounds at lunchtime when one of the students saw an ancient lamp half-buried in the ground. He picked it up and rubbed it...and a genie appeared.
The genie was so grateful to be free that he gave them each a wish.
The student who rubbed the lamp said: "I wish I was in the Bahamas, getting a suntan and sipping a Pina Colada." POOF! He was gone.
The other student said: "I wish I was in Hawaii in my own private beach house with my girlfriend." POOF! He was gone too.
Then, the genie asked the teacher what he wanted.
He replied: "I want those two back at school after lunch."

Mary Poppins checked into a hotel at ten o'clock in the evening. She asked for room service: Cauliflower cheese for dinner, and two poached eggs the next morning for breakfast. When she was ready to go, the manager asked her how her stay was. She replied: "That cauliflower cheese was excellent! Shame about those eggs, though." The manager said: "Well, why don't you write a comment in our guestbook?"
So Mary did. After she left, the manager read what she had written there -
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"