December 12, 1999  12:29am

Well I am going to be up for awhile working on a paper that is due Monday.  On top of that I have 4 finals coming up on Monday and Tuesday, so I am a little stressed.  To top it all off, Arzachena has left yet another pack of Camels in her bag...GRRRRR %#*@(#$&^#@!!!!!!!  I had better not hear another word out of her about how "quitting isn't that bad" BECAUSE THAT IS NOT QUITTING!!!!!  Sheesh.  Although I think she knows that I know her little secret because she moved her pack, but I am not sure because I am too afraid to look and be tempted by them. It's hard enough knowing that there is a pack in the room, let alone right by my feet.  So I have some music blasting am trying to ignore them.  

I am *NOT* going to smoke.  I *CHOOSE* not to feed my craving.  I have that power.

I went to my first online meeting of Al-Anon today.  It was alright.  Listening to others going through the same thing I am is really helpful, and I think its the place for me.  I am just not brave enough yet to go to a 3D meeting.  I plan to go to as many as these online meetings as I can.  Tonight's topic was Alcoholism as a Disease.  Something that is very hard for me to grasp.  I understand that my mother has a disease.  That she didn't choose to be an alcoholic.  But it is very hard to not scream at her that if she loved me, she wouldn't take that drink.  I would see her drunk, and all I could say is "Why did you pick that beer up and put it in your body???"  But then I think, did she choose to be sick?  Does she choose to be drunk?  Does she choose to risk death?  She is my mother, and deep down I know that she would never choose to hurt me on purpose.  That it must be a very powerful addiction to make her keep drinking when she knows it is hurting her and everyone around her.  Who in their right-mind chooses to be so sick?  When I get frustrated with her, I need to take a deep breath and really *understand* that it is not her that is frustrating me, it is her alcoholism.  

But, just as a cancer patient didn't choose to have cancer, they did have the choice to go to the hospital and get help. The alcoholic doesn't choose to be an alcoholic, but they do choose whether to get help for it or not.  My mom knows she is an alcoholic.  She has admitted it before.  But she will not get help.  I have to believe that my mother would do *anything* to stop being a drunk, and that if she could get help she would.  But I guess she is not ready or willing to take that step.   I can't make her go.  I can't make her stop drinking.  I can't make her feel what I feel.  But *I* can go.  *I* can get help.  Drinking is HER problem.  I need to focus on my problems now. 

**** I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it*****

I am powerless over her alcoholism.

This has also helped me understand my nicotine addiction a little.  I can't stop myself from having cravings and the urge to smoke. I can't choose whether or not to have those urges, so it is useless to try and control them.  But I *can* choose how I react to them. I don't have to give in.  I don't have to let them make me miserable.  I don't have to let them ruin my day.

I think that the reason many people have such a hard time quitting is because they are trying to control the wrong thing.  Those urges are going to be there whether you like it or not.  Deal with it.  You can't stop them from being there.  But you do have control over how to react.  Focus your energy on that, and not on how unfair it is to be feeling those urges.

*Phew* Stepping down from my soap-box (for now). :)  Grrrr, gotta get back to that paper.  Anybody any good at writing Forensic Science papers???

-LR

Five days, 10 hours, 9 minutes and 11 seconds. 162 cigarettes not smoked, saving $30.50. Life saved: 13 hours, 30 minutes.