guards stand alert

Forget this going headfirst into relationship crap...forget just going for someone that you may be interested in and taking a risk. I can't handle that, even in the smallest dose...and I don't want it either.

Last night, the Enemy said he would give me a ride back home after I took the train back from Sac, and I said I would help him with a project that he had previously asked me to help him on. I should have called him earlier that day to confirm but I didn't. Queencie even called me and I had the chance to go see STOMP with her and her cousin and his students (and Baldwin was there!) but I said I had already told my friend I'd help him. After waiting for about 30 minutes on Market and walking around looking for the bus, I ended up taking the N and walking up three blocks to his house. I call him on the way and he tells me he got another friend to help him with the project. I feel dumb already because now he's doing me a favor and I haven't done anything for him. I don't feel that we're at the stage where I can just ask him to help me out unless I return the favor.

I get to his place and he comes down with a girl that has helped him and he's taking her home as well. It seems like they're good friends because before she leaves the car, they discuss talking another day and doing something else this week. He even has three videos that they went through...come on, be a little more original. They probably played video games too. I'm sitting in the backseat so that's another mark toward feeling even lower than I already do.

In the car, I'm just talking like I usually do, but I feel so tense. I feel like I have my guard up so high and I have just made a big fool of myself and there is no way that I want to take one more inch toward showing any bit of vulnerability. He mentions that he took some girls out this past week...and said that his new thing for 2002 is to just ask out any girl he's slightly interested in. This increases his chance of finding that special someone, but also just takes steps toward being more bold and getting to know a larger circle of people. I think that's what Trish and I have talked about as Indy Chicks, in terms of just going out with people on a date level and on a friendship level...to just test the waters. And I'm cool with that...I'm all for making new friends.

But after the encounter, I felt so stupid and I cried when I went home...not because I was hurt that he was going out with a whole slew of girls, or that he had asked someone else to do what he originally asked me to do (because really, he's not worth it), but because I was in a position of vulnerability and felt stupid. I HATE feeling stupid...and there is a quote that say "No one can make you feel stupid without your permission," so it's not like he meant for me to feel that way, but in this case, I totally did. I felt like I was the girl who has the crush on the guy that has no clue but everyone else sees it. And I don't want it to look that way because it's not how things are. You know, the girl that everyone pities because they think she is too blind to see that there is no chance. Really, I had more feelings for my mobster than I did for this Enemy.

But I guess it's good that I know early on that I am not ready for anyone or anything. And it's not like I'm NOT going to hang out with him anymore. The important thing is that I am not going to get ahead of myself or even feel anything toward him as more than a friend and there will be no more speculations. I don't think I can even ask myself "am I interested in him?" about ANYONE because it just throws me off and messes me up. And maybe the Indy Chick is supposed to let her world get turned around for love...but I can't do that. I think I would choose to be hurt because of intense love, but for one thing, intense love is not even in sight. I also have too much pride to put myself in that position. I want to be in control...I don't want to be the one hurt...I don't want to be the one trying or the one chasing after the other person.