beautiful goodbye

Goodbyes are hard enough for me, so I expected it to be even harder to say goodbye to someone who has been such a huge part of my life for the past nearly four years. It was finally time to say goodbye to A., so I spent half a day with him after spending Christmas day in Los Altos. I stayed up knitting with Kimberly the night before, not knowing what to expect on my last day with one of my closest friends. Sure, we'll probably see each other in the future, but after so much contact over the past four years and all of a sudden maybe just an e-mail here and there, I didn't know what would happen.

After lunch on Irving, we sat in my car while he opened the Bruce Lee calendar I got him for Christmas. Cryfest #1: he thanked me for the gift and was saying stuff about how much I meant to him. He said that he loved me and was glad he met me. I wanted to tell him the same, to tell him how much of an impact he has made on my life, etc., but I was too busy crying. We sat in the car and hugged, and I'm sure people around us were giving us strange looks, but I didn't care. I wouldn't get a hug like this for at least a year and half.

After attempting to go to Stonestown, we ended up just going to my house to pick up his punching bag. I didn't even know what to do...I just wanted to spend time with him, to soak up as much as I could. You could tell that we were just trying to make the day seem as normal as possible, but we were both aware that a long goodbye was coming up fast. At my house, we just goofed off with my boxing gloves. He closed his eyes and was playing "push hands" with me as I aimlessly punched at his stomach and face. Nevertheless, he did a lot better than I did, but it was so much fun. It will be the stupid things like that, that I will miss...things that I don't get with other people.

Finally it was time to drive him back to his house because my family was coming to pick me up. Cryfest #2: we talked about keeping in touch, of course, but even now, it's hard for him to keep in touch whenever he is with his gf, so won't it be harder when he's living with her? But I should expect that it's hard for people to keep in touch. But there is no doubt in my mind that I mean a lot to him and that he doesn't intend to let our friendship fall to the side. We sat in the car hugging for a long time again and I couldn't stop crying. Driving home, I knew I had to stop crying because I didn't want my family to see my red eyes, so I thought about Queencie's story about the man who wasn't gay.

I will miss just being able to call him up for no reason to talk about nothing in particular. You can't do that with many friends, and I have to say that he is one of my two best friends out here. The others who know me the best have been my friends for almost my whole life, but within four years, he has gotten up there in the ranks. He knows me so well and I don't think there's anything I can hide from him. Even if I tried, he seems to get things out of me. I honestly felt a mild heartache again when I knew he was gone. Not because I still wanted him for a romantic relationship; but because I knew that one of my favorite people was not that close within reach anymore.

But overall, I'm excited for him and excited that he is setting off on a journey, a new adventure. He is a restless spirit and in this Year of the Horse, it is only fitting that it's his time to go. Best wishes to him until we meet again...