This is getting kind of troublesome to keep up with this, but I'm sure it will all pay off when I move away and use this as my means of communication. Anyway, the clock is ticking and we are 9 days away from the fundraiser party. Every time I think about it, my stomach churns and I lose my appetite. I'm just counting the days until that night and then after that, I can relax because I will only be going back to capoeira for two more weeks...I foresee myself getting attached to the people again after the end of the year roda, but I can't let myself get sentimental. Just make the jump and don't look back. Queencie is already out of there, and it's really sad to go to class and not have her there. I know that if she were still there, class would be much more bearable. Because of the Thursday CAP event, and the two weeks of practice beforehand, it has been at least 3 weeks since I've trained capoeira, and I've gotten into this mentality of not wanting to do it anymore. But the weird thing is that I know I enjoy doing it. I think it may be just the atmosphere. Anyway, I could go on and on about my feelings about class, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...or "beat it with a dead horse," as Marin Bright says.
Trish and I have been e-mailing each other like mad, talking about what our ideal Indy Chick is like...what or who we want to be...what we want in a relationship...it's very exciting and it's nice to have her back in the running with me as a single gal. Through e-mailing, I made this startling realization. I often think about why I go into buddy mode with guys...even guys that I have just started hanging out with...and I always figured that it was because *that* was what I was used to. Subconsciously, I probably wanted buddies like those from home like ET, Jon, Matt, etc. that I can just let it all out with (figuratively and literally) and not worry about what they think. So I go into Buddy Mode because that's just what I'm used to doing, and that's how I'm used to guys treating me...and anything different kind of throws me off. But Trish was saying that Indy Chicks aren't necessarily scared of relationships or scared of guys...but I realized that my guard is up so high with guys that the Buddy Mode keeps guys from seeing me as a "girl" and just think of me as the buddy as well. There are pros and cons to that, though.
Another Indy Chick rule: if you have feelings for someone, don't analyze the situation to death. Just go for it and don't regret. I oftentimes keep someone at bay because I don't want to waste my time or spend so much time on someone. But I think that if someone really, truly had what you were looking for, it wouldn't be a waste of time...and that thought would not even cross your mind. Oh to have someone like that...
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