Argyle screeched and danced around on one foot. He bumped Boomer from behind and the Steward of Gondor turned around with a glare.
"You know," mused Mary. "I would never have imagined Steward on bottom."
Sam shrugged his shoulders. "I think he's more in the middle."
Stu collapsed in a heap atop Gollum and the creature hissed and howled even
more loudly. "Nasstyyy, filttthyy man, hurrrtsss ussss!"
"Hurry, Legless, hurry!"
"Almost there," Legless said as he knelt over Stu and wriggled furiously. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the party staring at them. "Why do you stand there gaping? Help me!"
Grandlaff's bushy brows raised and he stroked his beard. "What would you suggest we do?"
"Help me get it out?"
"Are they always so, so, so…" Fairy-man cleared his throat. "Open?"
"You are on your own, elf," Argyle gingerly placed his injured foot on the ground. He made sure to stay far away from Glimmergroin's axe.
Legless snarled in Elvish and then staggered back. He held up a bloody arrow for all to inspect. "I stabbed him with an arrow when he and Gollum fell from the cliff."
"Oh," everyone breathed.
With one hand braced firmly on Gollumn's sternum and the other holding his ass, Stu glared at everyone over his shoulder. "If you are quite finished making snide comments and innuendo?"
"You do have to wonder, Master Steward, how it is you always end taking an arrow in your cheek, if you'll pardon my being so bold." Sam shrugged off his heavy pack and dropped it to the ground.
"I wonder the same thing, Sam," Stu replied as Fairy-man and his troops came and took Gollum. He climbed slowly to his feet and placed his hand on Legless' shoulder for balance.
"Here, Steward, drop your leggings and let me have a look," Grandlaff dug around and found the herbs he wanted. "I've gotten rather used being eye to eye with your rear end."
Legless bared his teeth but made not other outward display of his ire.
Stu pushed down his leggings and waited patiently as the wizard inspected the wound. He breathed deeply through his nose and tried not to whimper too loudly as Grandlaff poked at his wounded flesh.
"Brother," the captain sat beside Boomer on a fallen log and leaned in close. "A few weeks back, elves from Rivendell came looking for you. They approached my troops and asked if any word of you had been heard. They seemed most angry and eager to find you."
Boomer looked away. "Oh, aye, they found me."
"Why were they looking for you?"
"Cause he's a daddy," snapped Argyle sitting down next to them. "He's the proud papa of a bouncing baby elfling."
Boomer's brother looked from one to the other in confusion. At last, Boomer gave up and told his younger sibling the whole tale, from beginning to end. He'd know soon enough, anyway, when Arwen came to live in Minas Tirith.
"The last night in Rivendell, we had a large party. Well, there was a lot of drinking and merrymaking. I guess some people got confused about who they were supposed to be with."
Argyle gave Boomer a dark look. "She wasn't confused. You seduced her."
"Oh, she was confused all right, my friend. She wasn't looking for you she was looking for Steward. But, as much as we'd all drunk, she had a hard time keeping us men straight."
Farry-man cast his eyes from Stu, whose leggings were still bunched down around his knees and then to his brother's lap. "If she managed to confuse you with him, she wasn't drunk, my brother, she was unconscious."
Argyle rolled off the log backwards in a fit of laughter and Boomer got up and stalked away to the other side of the clearing.
Grandlaff finished dressing Steward's wound and the man quickly pulled back up his leggings and laced them firmly about his waist. "I guess we need to get a move on before it gets too much later. I'm sure all the noise has alerted Saw Ron's troops to our presence. There's no sense in waiting for the welcoming committee."
Grandlaff tucked his herbs back in to his pack. "Indeed, Steward, your assessment of our situation is most correct."
"There is the matter of the ring." Fairy-man stood up and paced to where Stu and Legless stood. "I have the weapon to defeat the enemy within my grasp and I do not intend to let it escape. I am obligated to take him to father."
"And then you give the enemy exactly what he needs to defeat you." Stu crossed his arms over his chest and rocked on his heels. "Okay, so we know that I have the one and Frito has mine. Big deal, That changes nothing, like I told you, I agreed to help get this thing to Mount Doom and nothing and no one is going to stop me."
Turning, he appealed to his brother. "We need this weapon! You know as well as I what our armies face daily."
"And I know that the key to destroying your enemy lies in letting me do what I came here to do. The key to defeating Saw Ron is destroying his weapon. You know, Fairy-man, guys like you give the infantry a bad name." Stu turned his back on the captain and began retrieving his gear. "You go off half cocked, never thinking about the long term consequences. All you care about is instant gratification."
"Or perhaps he hears the call of the ring? Does the Siren whisper dark promises in your ear, Fairy-man? Does it promise you peace and try to lure you as the elves are lured to the sea by the gull's cry?" Legless fingered his bone-handled knives.
"Oddly, I find myself wondering how it is that our fine and some what clumsy Steward of Wrangled Gorge has had the ring all along and yet seems to feel nothing of its influence," Glimmergroin tilted his head up to look at the taller men.
"Ah, hell, Glimmergroin, that's easy to answer. I don't hear the call of the ring because the ring can offer me nothing that I don't already possess. You, either, if ya'll stop and think about it. You've got friends willing to die for you. Families who love you. In the end, the final analysis of all that is life, what else is there? Power? Phooey. Power is what you make of it. I have power. I can choose where to live. Who to love. You have the same kind of power. Glory? That's all about ego. And stroking an ego is a bit like sex with a whore. Feels good for the moment, but it doesn't really mean much and it damn sure don't keep your bed from being lonely."
Legless stepped around to Stu's side and tightly wrapped his arms around the man's waist. He laid his head upon Stu's shoulder and gazed up at him with adoring and love filled eyes. "This is why I love you."
Stu grimaced slightly and lightly patted the elf's back.
Fairy-man swallowed and then ducked his head. What Steward had said made sense and he could find no ready argument. Besides, apparently his brother had given his word that Gondor would see the deed to its end and he could not gainsay his brother. "Very well, take it and be gone. Pray you do not fall in to enemy hands, for if you do, then our deaths will follow."
He motioned to his men and they began to fade from the clearing. As the last of the men of Gondor faded from view, Argyle looked around. "Where's Gollum?"
They all looked around and realized Gollum was nowhere in sight. "My brother did not take the creature with him. He must have escaped while we were distracted."
"Fuck," snapped Frito. "Now what?"
"We have to find him. He cannot be allowed to go free as he may return to Saw Ron and tell him where the ring is to keep it from being destroyed. He hates Saw Ron but loves the ring more. It still holds him, too, and it does not want to be destroyed. Even though it touches not our Steward or Frito, it has claimed Gollum and continues to work its dark desires on him." Grandlaff leaned for a moment on his staff. "We must split up."
"Is there no other way?" Boomer asked.
"Nay, I fear not, Steward of Gondor. If Gollum reaches Saw Ron, then we loose the element of surprise." Grandlaff frowned. "I think it best to send Frito and Steward with Legless to Mount Doom while the rest of us search for Gollum."
"I'm going with Frito," Sam hitched his back back higher up on his shoulders. "I'll not leave him to suffer through this alone. Where he goes, I go, and make no mistake."
Stu shook his head. "It's a wonder the races of Middle Earth haven't died out already."
Frito frowned. "What does that mean?"
"Nothing, little one. Uh, Legless? Do you think you could let go?"
Legless' hands slipped from Stu's waist and lightly caressed his ass before the elf stepped away. He smiled when Stu squeaked in surprise. "After we have destroyed the ring, you will discover that I am not nearly as placid as I seem."
"Oh, God."
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