Rocky Horror Picture Show
Stu walked slowly through Helm's Deep, eyeing the faces of the few warriors left behind to hold the ancient fortress. In the three weeks he'd been out cold, the Rohirrim had defeated Sorry Man and moved on to help Gondor. The names confused Stu, but he made a valiant effort to learn them. Middle Earth, after all, was his home now. He glared balefully at the elf walking at his side.
"Velma did not tell me about this part," he announced.
"Who is Velma?" Legless linked his arm with Stu's
"Your goddess?"
Blue eyes clouded momentarily. "What did Varda want with you?"
Something in Legless' expression sent chills down Stu's spine. "She wanted to give me the choice of staying home or joining the party."
"Stu!" Hal-drear rushed around the corner and clasped the man to his bulging stomach in a bone crushing embrace.
At first Stu was uncomfortable as the elf's belly was in the way and contradicted everything that Stu thought he knew about human nature and anatomy. But he relaxed and patted Hal-drear on the back.
"I wanted to thank you for saving my life, and tell you that I am forever in your debt."
"Yeah, maybe we could name our child after him," Argyle smiled evilly. "Steward of Gondor."
Boomer's nostrils flared. "That is not funny."
"Neither is Boomer III of Rivendell."
"Boromir," the Steward snapped.
"Whatever."
Wearily, Stu sighed and stepped away from Hal-drear with a soft pat to the male's rounded belly. "Don't you go getting any ideas, Legless," he said in an aside. "When does Grandlaff think it will be safe for us to depart?"
"Not soon enough for me," Boomer said as he stalked away.
"When the sun sets we will depart," Argyle said as he took Hal-drear's hand. "Come on, Hal, it's time for your foot rub."
"He is so good to me," beamed the march warden.
After they had gone, Stu decided to return to his room to gather his belongings. He only had a few hours before they left Helm's Deep and continued their journey to Mount Doom. Though he was fully healed, he was a bit tired and the bickering between the two men had unnerved him. He and Legless quickly packed their few belongings and then Stu climbed in to the bed to take a short nap. Legless, of course, instantly climbed in beside him. Stu said nothing as the elf curled against his side.
Five weeks later, the party stood on a lonely promontory of the Ash Mountains
and stared across the lands of Mordor for the first time. Behind them lay
the Dagorlad Plains. They'd abandoned the horses and walked through the Dead
Marshes until they reached the mountains. As they stood and stared below,
they became aware of masses of people moving. Giant beasts being ridden by
soldiers paraded past and the party stared in wonder from beneath the cover
of bushes.
"This is what we have been fighting against," hissed Boomer.
"Fuck," breathed Stu. "Now I see why everyone has their shorts in a wad."
There was a soft hiss of metal and the party instantly froze. "Who are you?"
Boomer's head snapped around at the sound of the voice. "Faramir?" He kept his voice low despite his excitement.
The party turned to stare at the man Boomer had addressed so affectionately. He was tall, like Boomer, but his hair was more red than blond. His build was stocky and he wore his molded armor like a second skin.
"Brother," Faramir's sword lowered a fraction. "Come away, this place is not safe."
The party climbed away and Faramir led them to a small clearing where his men were hiding. As the party entered the glade, he turned and clasped Boomer close.
"Brother, I dreamed you were dead," he said as he held his elder brother closely.
"There's a lot of those dreams going around," muttered Stu.
"Nay, Faramir, I am among the living." Boomer stepped back and scowled. "Though, by the gods, I do wish I were dead."
Argyle rolled his eyes. "There's a lot of that going around, as well."
"Amen," Stu tugged his hand away from Legless' bone crushing grip.
"Come, introduce me to your companions so that we may all be friends and tell me what brings you here, when your mission was to Rivendell."
One by one, the party was introduced to Faramir, until at last Boomer came to Stu. "This is the other ring bearer. He and Frito are on a mission."
Faramir's eyes lit up. "The One Ring?" He gazed intently at Stu. "Brother, do you know what this means? We have the enemy's weapon in our grasp."
"Whoa, wait, hold it. Stop. Chill out, there Fairy-man, we've been through all this at the council. My job is to destroy the enemy's weapon, and I intend to complete what I started. Frito and I have come too far and sacrificed too much to give up now."
The captain stiffened. "My name is Faramir."
Nine sets of eyes turned as one and nine voices spoke in unison. "That's what he said."
Unexpectedly, a man wearing the same green and brown clothing as Faramir rushed in to the clearing. "Captain Faramir, we have captured one of Sauron's spies. The men are holding him by the stream."
Faramir nodded. "We have been tracking this creature for over a week, but he has always eluded us. Now we shall see what this spy knows."
The company followed Faramir to the stream where spy was being held captive via ropes and drawn swords. He was a pitiable creature with grey-green skin and bulbous eyes. His loincloth hung in tatters around his bony hips and to Stu's critical eye, he looked as though he'd last eaten during World War I.
Stu crinkled his nose. "What is it?"
"That is a Gollum," Grandlaff frowned. "He was last seen lurking around Mirkwood before the elves lost sight of him. I had feared he'd made his way to Baradur, but had no proof. Now we know."
"Why would he want to go to Bar Odor? And what has he to do with Saw Ron?"
"Gollum once possessed the Ring and he craves its presence. He loathes and hates it, as he loathes and hates himself. The ring calls to him, Steward."
The roped creature turned his big eyes on Stu with a keen interest that made Legless hiss. The eyes seemed to stare beneath Stu's tunic, straight at his heart.
"It knows," Legless whispered. "The ring calls to him and he cannot be fooled."
All eyes suddenly turned to Stu.
"So you were the one who ended up with it," Frito sighed. "I am glad, for I do not think I could have carried the burden this far."
Stu reached out and stroked the Half-Ling's head. "Did it make any difference? I don't think so. None of us knew who had it and each of us accepted the burden of its responsibility."
"Steward is correct," Boomer nodded. "We all carried the ring, whether it was around our necks or no."
While they were distracted, Gollum chose his moment to escape. He reached out with his incredibly long arms and pulled the hand holding the rope close to his mouth and bit deep in to the flesh. The man screamed and released his end of the rope, giving Gollum a chance to escape.
"After him," screamed Faramir.
The group dashed along the underbrush, splintering in to small groups of twos and threes as they raced after the impossibly quick and agile creature. Stu found himself alone with Legless as he paused to catch his breath and gather his bearings. In the distance, he could hear the others calling to one another and the sound of trees and bushes being thrashed.
"Damn fools, not only are the telling Saw Ron's army we're here, they are also alerting Gollum to their presence." He looked around, shading his eyes against the dying sun. "If I were a creature wanting to get away from a bunch of clumsy humans, I'd take the high road."
"Ai, Steward, so would I. Look!" Legless' arm shot up and out as he pointed to a spot high on a nearby cliff.
Rushing forward, Stu scrabbled along the cliff face, searching for a handhold. "Make no noise. I do not want the others to hear and come busting in. They'll scare the little fucker off."
Legless gave his mate a vaguely disgusted look, but made no comment. He unstrung his bow and knocked an arrow. With deliberate care, he aimed high, intending to pin Gollum, like a butterfly, to the cliff wall if Stu was unable to bring him down. His blue eyes shifted constantly from Stu to Gollum, fearful for the man's safety, but keen on capturing the pathetic creature clinging so desperately to the cliff.
Stu was able to reach Gollum quickly and was surprised by the ease in which his rock climbing skills returned. He reached out and snatched Gollum's ankle. The creature kicked out hard, but Stu hung on. Gollum struggled harder and Stu lost his grip on the rocks. They slid several feet before Stu managed to get his legs under him and dig in to the rocks with his toes.
The creature turned and opened his mouth wide, baring his sharp teeth. With a hiss, he leaned down, intending to bite Stu. Stu, seeing Gollum's intent, yanked hard at the last second. Even as Stu was yanking on Gollum's leg, the elf's notched arrow came up and pointed at the creature's heart. And then Stu lost his grip.
Two voices rose in a long, loud wail, startling birds into flight from the trees. Everyone froze for a split second then began to sprint towards the sound of the screaming. As one body they managed to get to the cliff and came to a startled and confused cluster of men and Half-Lings.
At the base of the cliff sprawled Gollum on his back with his legs splayed wide and his skinny arms flung over his head. His large mouth was open wide in a perpetual scream. Stu was on his knees over Gollum, with his arched back turned towards the group. Legless straddled Stu from behind, with his hips pushed forward and his shoulders and head thrust back and his long blond locks cascading down his back.
"Ooh, Legless!" Moaned Stu.
"It hurrtsss ussss, it doessss," screeched Gollumn.
"Hold on, my love," sobbed the elf.
Boomer blushed furiously and tugged at his tunic collar while Faramir stood with his mouth agape.
"Fuck," said Pip.
"That certainly sums it up, laddie," replied the dwarf as he planted the haft of his axe squarely on Argyle's foot.
"Oh, God," cried Stu.
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