*The title of this chapter is inspired by Robert Aspirin's Myth series, available at your local bookseller.
Mouths hung open in shock and fear as Boromir gulped loudly. The ring could almost be seen as it slid down his throat. He smiled wickedly, daring anyone to do anything about his action. Before anyone could make a move towards Boromir, however, Aragorn leapt at Stu. He tackled the unsuspecting man and they both tumbled over a chair.
"Estel!" Elrond shouted. He was alarmed at the sudden turn of events and wondered to himself how things had gotten so out of control.
"We cannot let this ring escape, Ada." He clutched at Stu's closed fist.
Stu gasped for breath as he bucked his hips, vainly trying to dislodge Aragorn. "What the hell is wrong with you freaks? It's a fucking ring for crying out loud, not a nuclear warhead."
"Aragorn, release the Steward." Elrond rubbed his temples.
"Elrond, there may be some truth in Aragorn's words, though his actions leave much to be desired."
Elrond longed for the feel of his sword in his hand. "Mithrandir I know nothing of the Steward or of the country whence he came. My maps do not reveal anything and, as for his ring, it is untested."
Mouth pursed thoughtfully, the one called Mithrandir studied the struggling men. "Can we now afford to take the risk? He is obviously possessed by the Ring, else why would he struggle so to keep it from others? I say to you, Elrond, though we do not fully comprehend the nature of either this ring nor of its creator, Brenda, we should treat it as a dangerous weapon. Who knows what Sauron or Saruman would do with it?"
Unexpectedly, Boromir lunged at Aragorn and dislodged him from Stu's hips. Aragorn went sprawling and landed in a crumpled and fuming heap at the feet of one of his foster brothers, who helped him to stand. Stu sat up and looked around.
"Man, thanks," he held the ring inches from the appropriate finger, preparing to place the gold circle back on is hand.
Boromir's fist lashed out and connected with Stu's face. His head rocked back and the ring fell from his hand. Deftly, Boromir caught it and popped it in to his mouth and swallowed. Grinning wolfishly at both Stu and Aragorn, Boromir rose shakily to his feet.
"By right, the Ring-which ever is the right one---belongs to Gondor. Long have my people been at war with Sauron, guarding the Black Gates so that you, and your lands, may be safe. Now we will use Sauron's own weapons against him."
Legolas stepped to the center of the council and stood nose to nose with Boromir. "If that be the case, then you are still in the wrong. Aragorn, son of Arathorn is the one who should have the Ring. You owe him your allegiance."
Boromir not quite snorted. "Gondor has no king; Gondor needs no-oomph!"
Boromir was rocked from behind by a heavy body and unbelievably strong arms locked around his chest. The pair did a strange little dance among the neatly arranged chairs. The dance ended with Boromir being hoisted and violently bounced.
"Leave it to me El Ron, I'll get the fuckin' rings back," Stu panted as his knotted fist was firmly pushed into Boromir's diaphragm.
With every bounce and thrust, Boromir grunted and wheezed and his head dropped back on Stu's shoulder. His fingers plucked feebly at the hands pressing hard against his midsection and every bounce of the powerful body holding him splayed his legs further, so that he literally dangled from the strong arms.
"What are you doing? Release Boromir," Elrond commanded.
"Hi..mhmm..lick.man..hooow..whhooo ..v-ER." Grunted Stu as he bounced Boromir up and down the length of his torso. Exertion stained his face an alarming shade of red and the veins of his neck stood out in sharp relief.
Aragorn covertly adjusted the front of his tunic.
Turning to a tall blond at his side, Elrond waved his hand towards Boromir and Stu. "Glorfindel, help the Steward of Gondor, please. Whatever the Steward of Wrangled Gorge is doing is of no help at this time."
The one called Glorfindel rose gracefully from his chair and walked over to the two bouncing men. His Elven strength easily allowed him to remove Boromir from Stu's grasp. "Lord Elrond has asked you to release the Son of Denethor, Steward of Wrangled Gorge." He intoned as he dropped Boromir to the stones. He placed a warning hand on Stu's shoulder. "Be seated." His blue eyes sparkled with the promise of righteous violence and the grip on Stu's shoulder was just this side of unbearably painful.
Reluctantly, Stu resumed his seat, making sure to keep his feet well away from the short man and the remains of his ax. Though the blade itself had been shattered, he did not trust that the haft would not again be used to emphasis a point on the top of his foot.
Boromir crawled back to his own chair, one hand clutching his bruised and aching ribs. "Tis a crazy man I rescued from the middle of the road," he hoarsely griped to no one in particular.
Slowly everyone gathered their wits and overturned chairs were righted and bruised feelings-not to mention sore ribs and aching knuckles and swollen feet-were put aside as once again the assembly focused on the problem at hand.
"Y'all need to quit bogartin' whatever it is you've been smoking. This whole damn thing might make sense if I was stoned." Stu grumbled. "I got this kid over here, looking for all the world like somebody up and shot his dog and toting around his mama's wedding band to boot. Boomer Gonads thinks he's Miss Lucy's baby and has swallowed everything that's not nailed down. Argyle alternately plays royal-what-is and tackles people for no good reason. Legless has a Madagascar hissing cockroach up his ass. Glimmegrroin and his fucking ax have just about killed everyone. And when I tried to make Boomer cough up my ring-not to mention the little one's ring-El Ron goes and sics his goon on my happy ass. Jeeezzzus Chrriiist!" Stu finished his speech in a huff and leaned back in his chair. "I dunno what the fuck's up with Elroy." He tipped his thumb at the one he'd bitten.
Gimli leaned over to Legolas. "What is a hissing cock-roach and how does he know you have it stored in your ass?"
Legolas turned his up his nose. A slight flush graced his cheeks. "I have no knowledge of that, Gimli son of Gloin."
Frodo leaned left, his blue eyes quizzical. "Gandalf, how does one have a happy ass?" The old man ignored both the question and Glorfindel's snicker.
"Elrohir," Elrond's second son snarled
Elrond held up his hand. "Please, my son. Steward of Wrangled Gorge-"
Stu leapt to his feet with his hands waving manically over his head. "RINGGOLD, dammit. R-I-N-G-G-O-L-D. Ring, as in something you put on your finger. Gold, as in shiny metal."
Mithrandir's blue eyes took on a sad gleam. "Oh, dear. Tis as I suspected, then; we do have two rings with which to contend."
Stu slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Fuck me with a spork. Okay. Look, I'll bite---"
Elrohir smirked. "You already have done." He held up his hand to prove his point.
"-What is the drama with this ring?"
"Have you not heard of Sauron or Saruman?" Elrond earnestly leaned forward. His brow wrinkled in a bemused frown as he tried to make sense of his unusual guest.
"If I did, El Ron, I would not be so confused." Stu leaned back with his eyes closed, trying to ignore the throbbing at the based of his skull. "The last thing I remember is I was watching the boob-tube and trying to sleep. There was a sharp pain in my chest and I couldn't breath. I woke up with Boomer standing over me and he brought me here. Everyone is hyper over a silly gold ring and you all seem to think my wedding band is somehow connected-that it is something evil. The ring is not evil and neither is Brenda. Maybe I should have been more careful when choosing my words 'cause I admit I'm a little bitter. She left me, after eighteen years of marriage. She decided she no longer wanted to be with me. That hurt more than anything I have ever felt. I should not be so spastic over the ring, I know. But, you see," he opened his eyes and squarely met Elrond's gaze. "If I take off the ring, then it means she and I are truly over. I'm not ready not to be with her anymore."
Elrond felt his irritation leach from him as he listened to the man's words. He, too, knew how it felt to be left by one's love. Celebrian had left long ago, yet the pain was a fresh now as the day she departed for the west. "I think I begin to understand your attraction to your ring. As for the rest, I cannot begin to guess how it is someone who knows nothing of Middle Earth came to be here."
"I am not from Middle Earth. I'm from Ringgold. I've never heard of Middle Earth or Rivendell. In my world, the only people with pointed ears are actors in science fiction movies." Blank looks from the assembly forced a sigh from Stu. "We don't have pointed ears. We don't carry swords or wear robes over lace-up pants. In my world, the biggest danger to society are the scientists who keep thinking of ways to blow up the planet and the mass media who convince us all we need newer and more improved everything."
"Mithrandir, is this possible?" Legolas gripped the arms of his chair, wondering at the implications of another world, one of which they of Middle Earth knew nothing.
The old wizard shook his head. "I do not know, Legolas. This is beyond my ken. And the only ones would who would know we are unable to reach."
"You refer to Sauron? Perhaps we have something in our lore." Elrond volunteered.
For the first time, Elladan, Elrond's eldest son spoke. "What of Lady Galadriel? Might not she know?"
Elrond considered. "Indeed, Elladan. She might at that."
"And the Ring?" Aragorn prompted.
"Despite having been consumed by Boromir's stomach, it still must be destroyed." Elrond cast a dark glance at Denethor's son. "It must go to Mount Doom, and if need be, so must Boromir."
"No!" Boromir shouted and rose from his chair.
"Sit down, Boromir of Gondor," Elrond roared, the last of his patience vanishing. "You have brought this doom upon yourself with your greed and arrogance. The One Ring will not answer to our commands. This is Mordor's weapon."
Boromir laughed. "Do you think that I will walk myself to Mordor and beg for the opportunity to throw myself in the depths of the mountain? Think again."
"What goes in the top, must come out the bottom, as my grandmother used to say." Stu looked over at Boromir. "A nice laxative should do the trick. Surely you have that?"
"Laxative?" Elrond rolled the unfamiliar word on his tongue.
"Purge?" Stu asked.
Elrond turned an evil smile to Boromir. "Of course. We will purge you of the rings."
Boromir's face drained of all color. "Nay, Lord Elrond. I will allow no such thing." Aragorn, along with four Elves, surrounded Boromir, preventing his escape.
"Oh, but you will, Boromir of Gondor, promised Elrond. As for the rings themselves, we must see that they are taken to Mount Doom. Who among you will do this?"
Everyone turned and looked at his neighbor. Feet shuffled. Volunteering meant death or worse.
"I will take it, though I do not know the way," the child stood hesitantly and gave Aragorn a pleading look.
Boromir hung his head. "I have shamed my father's house. To amend this action, I will go and see this thing done, though it grieves me."
Three more of the children burst from the bushes, shouting and clamoring for attention.
"Here now, where Mr. Frodo goes, so go I." Announced one with curly blond hair who crossed his arms over his chest and stoutly planted his feet.
One by one, other's rose and pledge and their loyalty to the quest. When the final count was done, there nine representatives from Middle Earth and one from Ringgold.
Elrond suppressed his smile. Despite disastrous beginnings, the council had ended on a much more positive note and for the first time in days, he felt a stirring of hope in his heart. "So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."
Stu grabbed the bridge of his nose. "Oh,
God. Wake me when it's over."