Stewart tripped as he exited the luxurious accommodations afforded him by his status as Steward of Wrangled Gorge. Apparently, his august presence warranted a room with a balcony overlooking one of the many gardens and his own private sitting room where he could entertain guests and hold meetings. At this moment, the only thing Stewart was interesting his holding was a roast beef sandwich with spicy mustard. His stomach had rumbled all through his bath, which was a curious affair in itself, and entailed a lot of people and soap that reeked like a cosmetic's counter as Sears. Now, smelling like a girl and wearing a long nightgown with too many buttons and laces, Steward tried to gracefully negotiate the crowded hallways of the Last Homely House.
He had no idea why it was called such and wanted to ask, but feared he'd look even more ridiculous than he already did. He tripped once more over the robes and used words he hadn't uttered since his last drunken night in the Navy. He hiked up the robes around his knees and prepared to negotiate a long winding stairway when he was pulled up short by a lovely young woman with flowing brown locks and pointed ears.
Stu wondered about those ears. His first thought was that he'd entered a bizarre variation of a Star Trek convention. However, that opinion had changed as he realized that the populace was more in line with elves. He only knew about elves because he had, on many occasions, fallen victim to the universal military curse: Boredom. When he'd been shy of beer or ante money, he'd joined a few friends for a game or three of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. The people in Rivendell reminded him much of the character drawings of elves. He figured all that was missing was a dwarf to make his sense of unreality complete.
"Steward of Wrangled Gorge, welcome to Rivendell. I am Arwen, daughter of Lord Elrond." She placed a delicate hand over her heart and bowed.
"And I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Arwen's intended." The speaker only came to Stu's shoulder but looked fierce with his hand resting lightly on his sword hilt.
Hastily, Stu dropped his robes back into place and smoothed them down with one hand, while he held another out to Argyle. "Nice to meet you. Just call me, Stu, okay?"
Aragorn watched the hand snake out and stepped back quickly, afraid he was about to be struck. But when the Steward made no further threatening moves, he cautiously stepped up again. Gingerly, he held out his own hand, not sure what to expect. He certainly wasn't prepared when Stewart grasped his hand firmly and pumped it vigorously up and down. Aragorn was discommoded by the feeling, being reminded of something one did in private; alone.
Stewart turned his attention to Arwen and realized he was being viewed as something other than a guest. Actually, he suddenly felt like a dessert cart in a fancy restaurant. Instinctively, he grasped her hand and pumped it a few times for good measure. "Glad to meet you. Nice place your daddy has here."
Aragorn just managed not to roll his eyes and glanced over at Arwen to see her reaction. Instead of being put-upon by the gruff newcomer, she seemed quite entranced. In fact, she was too entranced, judging from the rise and fall of her chest. "Lord Elrond sent me to find you, -ah-Stu, the council is about to begin."
"Council?" Again, visions of PTA meetings danced through Stewart's head and he mentally cringed. "Exactly what is this council?"
"Mithrandir has located the One Ring and brought it to Rivendell. Now we must decide what to do with it." Arwen answered, as she nudged Aragorn aside with her hip, nearly shoving him backwards down the stairs, and hooked her arm through Stewart's. "Come, I will walk with you to the meeting."
Aragorn was left no choice but to follow in their wake as Stewart hitched the hem of his robes up around his ankles and descended the stairs on Arwen's arm. Her body pressed close to Stewart's as she chatted nonstop about life in Imladris and her father's many accomplishments, up to and including a battle three thousand years ago involving the so-called Ring which had suddenly found itself in Rivendell. She led them through the main hall and out to a grotto where an assembly of sorts was already waiting. Stewart bemoaned the fact that his quest for food was ended in a meeting over something as silly as a ring.
Stu frowned around the circle as he was seated between Aragorn and Boromir. He identified several more humans, most of them older than dirt judging from the wrinkles and long gray hair. Several of what he'd come to think of as elves were also present, including some that suspiciously resembled El Ron and Arwen. A short hairy man clutching an enormous axe was opposite Elrond. Also present was one tired looking little boy.
"Welcome, friends of old," Elrond's grey eyes swept the circle of seated visitors, including Stewart. At that moment, Arwen tripped over Stewart's protruding foot and collided with a large statue, sending it rocking precariously. Elrond's eyebrow raised and his speech faltered. "And guests. I have gathered you all to discuss the return of the One Ring. Frodo, bring forth the ring."
A small child with large hairy feet pushed himself out of his chair and walked to a circular stone table in the middle of the circle. He withdrew what appeared to be a gold wedding band and reluctantly placed it in the middle of the table. The whole group gasped and eyed the ring.
"Well, hell, man, I got one of those." Stewart looked around in puzzlement as the group turned to stare in open mouthed horror. "See?" He held up his left hand and displayed a ring identical to the one lying on the table. He wriggled the snug circle from his finger and held it up for inspection.
Boromir's green eyes lit from within as he turned his head from Stewart to the Ring on the table. "It is identical to Sauron's ring."
"Who the hell is Sauron?" Stu's eyes drifted to the geezer sitting next to the small child who'd placed the ring on the table. The bushy eyebrows had shot up clear to his shaggy gray hair. Meanwhile the child next to him looked positively ill.
"This is Sauron's evil ring, Steward of Wrangled Gorge," Aragorn leaned forward intently, his dislike barely concealed.
"How is that that there are two rings?" One of the elves, the tall blonde, turned an accusatory glance at Elrond.
Elrond's brows were so far up on his head that his whole face looked stretched. "I cannot say, Prince Legolas. I saw this earlier, but I have had no time to investigate."
"Tis a gift," Boromir scooted forward in his chair. "We can use this as a weapon against Mordor."
Aragorn shook his head. "Nay, Boromir, the One Ring answers only to Sauron."
"And this one?" The red haired dwarf hooked his hand Stewart.
Stewart couldn't help but laugh. "This one only answers to Brenda. Your Sauron ain't got nothing on her, I promise. Whew."
Elrond and the old man seated next to the hairy-footed child exchanged worried glances. Meanwhile, the child looked ready to faint. His face had grown paler by the second and his blue eyes were so wide, it was a wonder they orbs did not fall out in to his lap.
"You have mentioned Brenda for the second time this day, Steward of Wrangled Gorge, I would like to know who this person is and how big a threat is she to Middle Earth?" Elrond leaned forward in his chair. "The elves have not the power to conceal the evil of the One Ring, never mind it's mate."
"Evil? Well, she's certainly got a bit of a temper and I'll concede she was a bit of a bitch during the divorce. But evil?" Stu thought for a moment about the twenty-five percent in child support and alimony that was removed weekly from his paycheck and reconsidered. "Yeah, she's an evil bitch all right."
The tall blond with pointy ears and hair like a girl leaned over the small space between them. "A dog?'
Taken aback, Stu stammered. "No. Witch." He amended.
No sooner had those words left his mouth than the assembly erupted.
Elrond's powerful voice carried loudly, though he did not shout. "The Ring must be destroyed."
"Nay, we must use this against Sauron," Boromir turned on Lord Elrond, his face twisted in to a mask of longing and fear. "My people need this weapon."
"Have none of you been listening to Lord Aragorn and Lord Elrond?" Legolas rose and stared around the group. "The ring must be destroyed."
"And I guess you think you're the one to do it?' The short red haired man stood "I'll be damned if I'll trust the elf with the Ring. Never trust an elf!" He raised his axe and thumped the butt on the ground, squarely placing the end of the haft on Stu's foot.
Stu screamed as Boromir turned to Legolas shouting, "What does a Ranger know of these matters?"
"Hava dad, Legolas," Aragorn tried to calm his elf friend down as Legolas opened his mouth to set Boromir in his place.
"This is no mere Ranger. This is the rightful King of Gondor," Legolas ignored Aragorn's entreaty.
Stu dropped his wedding band and danced around on one foot, screaming inane curses at the freak with the ax. As his ring bounced and rolled, one of the young elves who looked remarkably like Lord Elrond reached forward to snatch up the gold band.
"Give me that back, dammit!" Stu hopped on one foot towards the elf, and for the umpteenth time, tripped over the long hem of his robe. He and the young elf went sprawling.
"Destroy the ring, you say? Then let's get this over with, shall we?" Unmindful of the damage he'd inflicted on Stu's foot, the dwarf raised his ax and strode over to the stone table. He hefted the heavy blade over his head and brought the razor sharp weapon down with enough force to shatter stone.
Unfortunately, the only thing shattered was his axe head. Parts of the magnificent weapon flew around the grotto and the red haired man fell back and landed in a heap at Legolas' feet. The Ring, too, flew off the pedestal, though none saw where it went. There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone looked around, and finally realized the Ring was gone.
Elrond started, his dark brows simultaneously performing the unique feat of rising and lowering at the same time..
"Ha!," Stu announced, sitting up and clutching his wedding band close to his chest. The elf on whom he sat glared first at Stewart and then at the teeth marks on his knuckles.
"He bit me," the young elf turned to Elrond and whined.
Elrond held out his hand. "Stewart of Wrangled Gorge, give me back the Ring."
Stu pulled the ring tighter against his chest.
"This ain't your ring. This is my ring. That one has your ring."
All eyes focused on Boromir in time to see him pop something to the back of
his throat and swallow. "Now 'tis my Ring."