Deborah,
You subverted me;
Took away the comfortable myth
That ending my pain
Would end the pain.
But you said statistics show
It only multiplies it,
Ensures it longevity by
Transferring to those left behind;
Yet another sentence to my sons.
So suicide is not an option anymore,
But still a deeply rooted desire.
In the past when I planned
I would go silent,
And in listening, gathered advice
On how best to ensure punishment & success;
Doctors & nurses, mental health staff & crash experts
Would share what worked, what did not.
Now, when the desire takes hold,
I have started to reach out;
Grasping with desperate fingers
For someone to stop me.
Strangely those, who thought me sane
At my most listening moments,
Now are concerned when I beg for help -
Stay silent, not trusting enough to help.
That�s okay, Deborah.
It always comes down to
Relearning the same lesson.
The only person who can save me
Needs to be myself.
For I need to be there
To save my children
From whatever life does to them,
To save them from
The silence.
� Ariel