This new addition to my website is for updates
on my life and more personal things about me.
I will be posting some pictures here soon,
so check back! :) I have moved the more "fun stuff"
to this page and will be adding much more.
This new addition to my website is for updates
on my life and more personal things about me.
I will be posting some pictures here soon,
so check back! :) I have moved the more "fun stuff"
to this page and will be adding much more.
My friend Rachel and I are planning a trip to Boston for next year. We�re thinking of going in September of 2007. We�re going to spend 3 days in Salem, Mass. (I CAN�T WAIT!) And then 3 days in Boston checking out the sites.
Ok, so here�s my story: I�ve suffered from depression pretty much my entire life. Definitely have had varying degrees; I remember times in my life where I was suicidal and was definitely in the darkest of the dark. When I was 14 I was put on Wellbutrin. I took that for a few years with success and then my doctor decided to try me on Paxil instead. YIKES! Paxil is an anti-anxiety drug. I honestly don�t have much memory of what it was like on the Paxil. But obviously it didn�t help with the depression because within the year I was taken off Paxil. What I DO remember, however, is the horrible side effects and withdrawal symptoms I had coming off the Paxil. I was in bed with scary flu-like symptoms for about 4 days. What hit me the worst was the dizziness and vomiting. So next was Zoloft. I took that for about a week but the side effects were bad. It drugged me like a valium and I couldn�t stay awake. It was hard because I had to work and get on with my life. So I stopped the Zoloft and returned to the Wellbutrin. I�ve had the most success on this one. It definitely helps the depression with pretty much NO side effects.
The thing with Wellbutrin, however, is that mood wise it pretty much leveled me out to �normal� BUT I didn�t have any highs either. So I basically walked around not able to feel anything. No emotions. I don�t know how to describe it any better�basically just didn�t feel anything. So my doctor decided to add Effexor. I�d never heard anything about it and wasn�t told the horrors of it. But I�ll get to that later.
How does Effexor work? �Here's how it works: First it starts to work on your serotonin. Then somewhere around 200 mg a day it starts to work on norepinephrine. Then around 300 mg a day it starts to work on your dopamine. Mileage will vary for each individual, and there's no guarantee on getting all that much dopamine action.�
So I took Effexor (about 300mg a day) for about 4 and half years. Now I�m 26 years old and for various reasons decided it was time to try life without any medications. One reason was the fact that at around age 21 the human brain is pretty much developed. Before that, our brains are pretty crazy and changing constantly. But as my doctor explained it, the chemistry of my brain at 26 is different than it was at 14. So I might not even NEED antidepressants! Cool, I thought. So I figure I�d give it a try. After the nasty withdrawal symptoms from Paxil I knew that I needed a very slow taper. I reduced the Effexor every few weeks by 37.5mg. I didn�t feel anything! No side effects!! I got to about 75mg a day and it hit me. First it was the dizziness. Just kind of a low grade dizziness like when you have an ear infection almost�just general mild equilibrium problems.
Thus it began. Until I was off Effexor completely, I had the nastiest symptoms I�ve ever experienced. It�s only been about 3 weeks since I took my very last effexor pill. I�m still feeling the symptoms a little but it�s much better. So anyways, the withdrawals were like what I imagine heroin withdrawals to be. I was one step away from being in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. I had nausea, INTENSE dizziness (like when you drink too much and the world is spinning�even when you�re laying down), diarrhea, stomach cramps, intense headache, noise and smell sensitivities, sweating, fever, twitching and what is commonly referred to as �brain zaps.� I didn�t know that was the term until I went to an online Effexor message board and saw it called that several times. Basically, it feels like you�re being electrocuted in your brain. It�s the creepiest feeling. It�s horrible.
On this site http://www.crazymeds.org/effexor.html it describes a lot of the symptoms. The Pros are: �If anything is going to cure the deepest, blackest depression, it's Effexor (venlafaxine hydrochloride).� This is true. My depression was pretty much cured while I took Effexor. The Cons: �The absolute worst discontinuation syndrome of an antidepressant. Effexor is a medication people utterly loathe to have taken. Effexor's Typical Side Effects: headache, nausea, dry mouth, sweating, sleepiness or insomnia, and diarrhea or constipation, weight gain, loss of libido and a host of other sexual dysfunctions. Most everything but the weight gain and sexual dysfunctions usually goes away within a couple of weeks. Although some women will notice that the sexual side effects will diminish above 200-225mg a day when the nor epinephrine kicks in.� (This last statement is true. Sexual dysfunction lessened once I got to 300mg a day.) �Increased or lowered blood pressure, sweating, farting, anorexia, and twitching, shock-like sensations.� �But the most disturbing freaky rare side effect with is what Wyeth disingenuously calls "withdrawal syndrome," that once you acclimate to Effexor you are basically hooked for life. The discontinuation syndrome never goes away if you try to stop. Symptoms are flu like, insomnia, nausea, imbalance, sensory disturbances and hyper-arousal.� (I am now listening to Sirius channel 22 First Wave and my favorite Depeche Mode song!! �Enjoy the Silence.� Best song EVER.) So anyways, back to my story. I was going through such miserable side effects, I was desperate. I was also going to work every day. Let me tell you: sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day doesn�t help nausea and dizziness. From online searches, I read several places that Lexapro helps immensely with the withdrawal symptoms. I was so desperate to feel better before my trip to Chicago I got a prescription for Lexapro and started taking it. THANK THE GODDESS! Lexapro was a LIFE saver! Within a day my symptoms were GONE! I was sooo glad too because I was in Chicago and did not want to deal with it. I did have a mild headache but it was tolerable, and I was loaded with Aleve. So now I am home and it�s been about 3 weeks off the Effexor, 4 weeks off the Wellbutrin, and 1.5 weeks off the Lexapro. I�m still having dizzy spells but now the �withdrawal� symptoms I�m having are all just dealing with becoming �normal� again, drug-free. I�m in a weird state of what is called �hyper arousal.� Basically: my startle reflex is so sensitive right now even the slightest noises freak me the fuck out! I talked to a friend of mine who is a nurse and she explained that the reason for that is that antidepressants depress the startle reflex/anxiety sensations and kind of dull that emotion. But drug-free my body is like �wow dude! What are you doing to me?� and freaking out. Hopefully that will calm down soon. Hopefully. The other issue I am now dealing with is the random emotions and sensitivity to things. Like right now sitting at my desk at work, I hear random songs on my radioand start tearing up. Who knows why? It�s kind of like crying at stupid TV commercials. I�m hoping that will calm down when my body is recovered.
We unpacked and decided to go grab some dinner. We took the bus 50-Damen down the street and hopped onto the El. We grabbed some dinner at Hackney's across the street from the Dearborn Station. We sat outside and ate dinner. Then we walked around the neighborhood and tried to make it back to our place. We got totally lost and had to ask directions many times. We finally got back at like 10pm and crashed!
Thursday we got up bright and early and took the EL downtown. We went to the Chicago Massage school to get massages to kind of kick off our vacation. Walked around downtown and went to Marhsall Field's. We had lunch in the Walnut Room in Marshall Fields. That was awesome! It was very fancy and beautiful. The view was cool too. After lunch we went down and walked around the Chicago Sister City festival and saw some of the dancers and booths and stuff. We checked out Millenium Park and the Cloud Gate sculpture. The park was amazing! Beautiful! The weather was perfect and sunny and since it was on Lake Michigan there was a cool breeze that was perfect. There were tons of people and I saw some artists doing some paintings of the Cloud Gate (the big metal bean thing). Next we went to Navy Pier and took a boat tour up the Chicago River. It was a 75 minute architecture tour and it was totally cool! Very interesting and fun. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and then went up the John Hancock Observatory. The views were pretty cool.
On Day 3, Friday, we went to the Art Institute of Chicago. That was pretty amazing. The collections were impressive. I saw a lot of artists I love, Georgia O'Keefe, Monet, Manet, so many to name...And my favorite painting: "Nighthawks" by Edward Hopper. That was amazing to see it in person!! Next, we checked out Wicker Park. We weren't impressed. It was touted as "trendy" and a cool place for young people to hang out. It was kind of ghetto through most of it and then the "trendy" part was full of WAY over priced boutiques. We stopped at caffe de Luca for a glass of wine and to figure out what to do next. It was a cool little cafe with an outdoor feel to it. That night we walked around downtown and went to the House of Blues and Hard Rock Cafe.
Day 4, Saturday, we got up and headed down to the waterfront "Museum Campus" and went to the Adler Planetarium and had lunch in the Galileo Cafe. It was cool down there and the pictures of the Chicago skyline turned out GREAT! Next we went to the Field Museum--which was okay but I could have passed on it. We tried to see the King Tut exhibit but it was sold out. Apparently you have to buy tickets in advance WHICH IT DOES NOT SAY ON THE WEBSITE OR BROCHURES ANYWHERE!!! We managed to get 2 tickets for the next day. I overheard a couple that came FROM SPAIN to see it and it was sold out, they were very upset--I can relate. So we headed to the Blues Festival and got dinner (the best damn pizza ever!) and hung out there. The Blues Festival was pretty cool. I personally think the Portland Blues Festival is better organized. But it was fun. We got some amazing pictures. We checked out the Buckingham Fountain in Grant Park and then headed home for an early night.
Day 5, Sunday, we got up at the butt-crack of dawn and went down to the The Field Museum to see the King Tut exhibit at 8am. SKIP THE FIELD MUSEUM AND THE KING TUT EXHIBIT. HE IS NOT THERE!!!! The brochures and website all say "Come see King Tut" -- NO WHERE does it say "See his exhibit only" not the mummy or tomb. FALSE ADVERTISING!! We were PISSED! Total rip-off, not worth the money. So after the King Tut debacle, we went to the Shedd Aquarium and checked it out, caught the dolphin show, then went to the Garden District and had a really yummy lunch at an Italian restaurant. I wish I could remember the name of it! We then walked to Lincoln Park and checked that out. We went home and took a nap and then got dressed up for our "farewell fancy dinner". We went to the Omni Hotel restaurant on Michigan Ave and had dinner. It was pretty cool.
Day 6, Monday, we got up and walked around the UIC campus/Taylor Ave. and found an English Pub opened for breakfast. We got a traditional Irish breakfast. The guy there was TOTALLY hot and had a Welsh accent. Yummy! We walked back to the room and grabbed our stuff in time to take the El back to O'Hare. It was like a 45 minute ride to the airport from campus. I wish we could have stayed longer and seen more stuff. We saw most of what we wanted but there's still tons I missed. I really liked Chicago. It was an awesome city, vibrant and exciting. The art is amazing. I can't wait to go back one day!
People showed up throughout Friday. There was opening ritual, a women's and men's mysteries. Just a lot of hanging out. It was sooo freakin' hot Friday! Erin and I waded in the Klickitat River and then Erin dunked herself completely under! It was freazing water! Friday night was kind of strange...first, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in about 4 years! I met him at my very first Beltane. It was a huge surprise, pleasant of course. Turns out we're neighbors! We live in the same neighborhood. weird. Small world. Now the unfortunate part...some local rednecks showed up and spoiled everything. They were wasted on like PBR or some shit and became completely beligerent and obnoxious. Starting fights, etc. Long story short, it was very unpleasant and a lot of people left the fire. They finally left in their pickup and shot their guns into the air. That was totally NOT cool. That freaked every body out. The energy was pretty much fucked by then so I went to bed.
Saturday was Maypole stuff. While we were doing the maypole a downpour came for about 15 minutes. It was very weird because the sky was still blue. Saturday night at the fire was pretty crazy. Some things went on that I will be keeping to myself. :) Let's just say the Goddess was definitely in the Beltane mood. It was so much fun though! I really let loose and danced all night. Unfortunately, I woke up Sunday morning really sick. I thought it was a hangover but later discovered that it was the stomach flu. Not fun. So I've been sick the last couple days. Ick!
I am getting excited for my trip to Chicago next month. I am counting down the days!!
I'm going to the Gogol Bordello show tonight at the Crystal Ballroom. My friends love them and say the show is awesome, I've never really heard the music much but it sounds like fun! I'm also planning a Eurorail Trip for Spring 2008. I'm really excited about it. I think I've got it figured out. The trip should last (hopefully) about 3-4 weeks. I want to fly into Portugal and spend a week there and go up the coast and then cross into Madrid, Spain. I want to see Valencia and Barcelona, the Pyrenees, and go into France. I'm not super excited about France. It sounds like we're going to stay in Southern France and do a wine tour for a few days. Go into Italy and see Milan, Venice, Florence, Rome, Naples, Capri and maybe Sicily...I want to spend at least a week each seeing Italy and Portugal. Then go over to Greece. If possible, maybe spend even more time. I'd like to see as much as possible but I'd also like to have a relaxing trip--lounging on the beaches and drinking wine at vineyards and stuff.
Okay. My Birthday Extravaganza! So for my birthday on January 19th, I invited a few friends to join me at Breitenbush Hot Springs for their Native American Sweat Lodge ceremony. We drove down south then East on Hwy 22, to the Detroit area. Then you turn off the main road onto their road and drive for about 7 miles to get to the parking lot. Once we turned onto the Breitenbush road, there was TONS of snow!! It was weird. It was pretty deep and hard to drive in at some places. Anyways, so we get there and go down by the river where it was held. There was a big fire pit and a bunch of people in a circle around the fire. There were so many people there the leader ended up running two lodges: one for women and one for the men. So me and my friends went first and my friend's boyfriend had to wait with the rest of the guys for the second round. So we change into what we want to wear and got smudged. The lodge wasn't a "tee-pee" like I pictured in my mind. It was more a dome. So we crawl into the lodge and sit in the sandy dirt in a circle. There's a big hole in the center.
He does a ritual, greeting and honoring the spirits and ancestors. The fire-tender would bring large stones over on a shovel and drop it at the door of the lodge. The leader would then use antler's like big tongs and move it into the center of the circle in the pit. He told stories and prayers as this happened. The rocks glowed bright orange and red. It was very cool. Then we went around the circle and everyone said a prayer that was sent up to the spirits. Asking for guidance, praying for family and friends that were sick, asking for an answer to a dilemma. Many were crying, like openly sobbing and wailing. It was contagious. The emotions built in everyone. As this was going on, it was getting hotter and hotter and the leader would sometimes poor water from the river onto the rocks and make it steam. It was so hot! But it was a nice, cleansing hot. I really felt cleansed afterwards.It was hard crawling out of the lodge and standing though. I was really weak and dizzy. Everyone was. But overall it was an awesome experience!
Here's some information they had on the ceremony:
"The Inipi is a purification ceremony brought to the people to pray for healing, health, and happiness. Following traditional teachings, the ceremony creates an opportunity for prayer with the natural elemental Forces and Spirits of Fire, Water, Stone, Wind, and Tree."
Well I've been under a lot of stress lately. I found a new apartment so I'm in the middle of packing. I hate moving. But this place is cute. It's a little bigger than my current place and has tons of storage. Plus it's in a tri-plex with no one above or below me. I'm stressed about the general move, the cost, and also because I'm moving to a new area of town. That's a little weird for me. I currently live in SW by downtown Portland. I've pretty much always lived in this area...Tigard, Multnomah Village, Hillsdale...but my new place is in SE off of Powell. A whole new neighborhood!! The kitties have definitely enjoyed all the boxes I've been bringing home!
I'm also stressed about my birthday which is next week. I have something awesome planned which I will describe next weekend. (I now changed my Sirius to channel 37 'The Strobe' and am listening to Taylor Dayne's "With Every Beat of my Heart" LOL.) Birthdays have never been great for me though. So not looking forward to it.
**SPOILER!** I saw the movie "Brokeback Mountain" and I have to say, Wow! I love this movie. It was so heartbreaking!! There are so many scenes going through my head right now... The first scene where they kiss and stuff is great. Then four years later when they finally are reunited and hug...Ennis pulls Jack to a corner and they kiss passionately. It was so romantic! Then when Jack hears Ennis finally got divorced and drove up from Texas to Wyoming...but Ennis was still in denial and rejected him? Ugh! It was heartbreaking. I can't name all the scenes that got to me. I have to say that the movie has stayed with me since I saw it last week.I didn't sleep well that night, laying in bed thinking about the movie. I just don't know why it's effected me so much. I definitely recommend it though. It was an excellent movie!
I had a half day off work on Friday the 23rd. I went down to the kitty shelter I volunteer at and played with the kitties for a few hours. Then I went back home hoping my Sirius Satellite Radio had arrived. It had! I was sooo excited! It took me like 2 hours to set it up. I ended up getting a great package deal. I got the starmate Replay receiver that came with the home kit AND the car kit. On top of that, I had a 10% discount for being a Howard Stern fan :) and a $50 mail-in-rebate. I got quite the deal. So back to the installation. I had to set up the antenna outside so I was crawling around outside my bedroom window in the dark, getting muddy and wet from the rain. Ick. But it was worth it. The reception is great in my bedroom. And it is sooo nice listening to commercial-free music. I LOVE IT!
I drove up to Seattle on Saturday the 24th. The drive up was awesome. I listened to my sirius radio the whole way and it was sooo much better than terrestrial radio! I listened mostly to Raw Dog Radio and the Laugh Break! stations. Both were clips of stand-up comics. It was great. I was laughing the whole drive up. They played clips of Adam Sandler, Richard Pryor, Jerry Seinfeld, and a bunch of not-so-known comics. My favorite was Dane Cook. He had me in tear!
In Seattle, I got off the freeway at the U-District and drove around a little bit looking at the places I used to hang out. I stopped at the Ave and hit my favorite store (I'm so glad it's still there!) called Gargoyles. I love that store! So I bought a few things and headed to my parent's house. I took the long way home to see how things had changed. Everything was different. Things I remembered are gone; condos are now in their place. Stores that used to be there are closed or something else. It was very weird.
I hooked up with my best friend and we went to Denney's for "old-time's sake". I got a piece of chocolate cake and she got a salad. We both got some of their stellar wine from the "special" reserve. :) Yep, Sutter Home wine. Just one step up from wine-in-a-box. Anyways. We caught up on old times. That was fun. I had a pretty good time in Seattle. It made me a little homesick for Seattle. But I don't think I could really move back there. I hung out with the family, we rented some movies and watched those on X-mas after the presents thing. (My mom got me "The DaVinci Code" sweet!!) We watched 2 sci-fi movies (ugh, I read my book while they watched them--although "The Island" was pretty good). And we also got "The Skeleton Key." That was a good movie!! It was about Hoodoo/Voudou. Lots of twists and turns and a surprise ending. It was pretty awesome!
Before heading home I drove around downtown, in Fremont and surrounding areas and took some pictures of landmarks and other things. And of course, listened to my Sirius radio on the way home.
I had a very full weekend otherwise. It was my family's holiday party. Everyone as there...family from California, Seattle, and Texas all went to my Aunt's house up past Troutdale on the Sandy River. It was a really windy night and several times the power went off (but they had a generator). It was cool. My uncle b-b-q'd outside eventhough it was freezing out. The BBQ was warm enough. Everyone was drinking and by the end of the night several of my cousins were lit! I blame the "Greg-Nog" (Egg Nog my cousin Greg invented...very strong!!). It got to be the typical drunk-guy pissing match..."I bet you can't pick up that smoldering coal with your bare hands" etc. LOL No one got hurt though, so it was ok. Just humerous!
I went to a hockey game Saturday night. It was the Portland Winterhawks vs. Seattle Thunderbirds. I usually root for the Hawks but since I'm from Seattle, I had to cheer for Seattle! It was a great game and Seattle ended up winning in Sudden Death 3-2.
Sunday I went down to the CAT shelter I volunteer at. It was a lot of fun. I played with the kitties and took care of them. And I spent some time with my favorite cat there. Her name is Molly and she's the sweetest kitty I've ever met! Unfortunately, she's a "special needs" cat. She came to the shelter with a broken back and when it was fixed, her two back legs healed kind of crooked. Which makes it hard for her to walk and run like a normal cat. But she still gets around just fine. I fell in love with her a few months ago. I really wish I could take her home with me! She is just so sweet and loving. She seems to recognize me and comes over to me and gives me a little head-butt hello. :)
Samhain celebration was fun this year. I had two parties to go to. The first was a community celebration. They had a group ritual that was pretty cool, going through a labrinth in the dark. Then there was drumming and stuff afterwards. After that we headed over to our friends' Heaven and Hell party. That's always fun. I didn't really drink though. I had like 1 glass of wine and 1/2 a glass of sangria. I wanted to drink more, cut loose and party but I had to drive home later and just didn't feel like it. But it was a lot of fun. I dressed as a witch--of course. I just wasn't feeling creative and couldn't think of anything else. The costume was cool. On Samhain, I had my own private ritual at home. It was strange, when I was doing the ritual, my kitties stayed far away. They eventually came into my bedroom and sat on the bed watching me but didn't interrupt. Which is strange for Yggdrasil especially because he likes to be in the middle of EVERYTHING!
WAS KICKED BY A STUDENT SOMMERSAULTING IN THE HALL.
WHEN STEPPED ON A BANANA PEEL, WORKER SLIPPED.
WHILE WORKING, STRUCK BY MALE MONKEY.
WHILE WORKING, STRUCK IN FACE WITH GEORGE FORMAN GRILL.
I have to learn a lot of medical terminology for the job. Who knew that the cervical is NOT related to the cervix?? :) But it's going pretty good.
I've been taking a criminal justice class at college. Just for fun. It's a credit class, but I'm not working towards a degree or anything. It's a really interesting class and I like it a lot. I still don't know what I'm going to do when I grow up.
A friend from Seattle and her boyfriend came down to visit and celebrate my new job. We went to The Goodfoot to drink and dance. It's a good place to dance! We had a lot of fun. We left about 2:00 and went to the Hotcake House to get food. That place is crazy. It's been awhile since I'd been there after last call. (Back when I used to go clubbing with friends, we'd end up there for breakfast like all the other drunks!) We ended up back at my apartment at 4:00am and slept in until noon. We got up and went to the best cafe in Portland--Dot's on SE Clinton. We had lunch and headed down to Saturday Market. It was a lot of fun.
I went to the opening season of the Winterhawks game. It was totally awesome!! In the first FOUR SECONDS of the game there was a huge fight between the two games and the refs. It was great. The game was awesome. Then, my friend Erika and I went to another Winterhawks game the next day, vs. Prince George. (I won tickets at work and we got to hang out in the company's skybox.) They lost that game but it was exciting.
The concert was amazing. They sang most of their hits. They sounded as great as ever, like I was sitting in my apartment listening to their CDs. Amazing. They played some of my absolute favorites: Southern Cross, Cut my Hair, Carry On...you know, I can't even name all my favorite songs. But they were amazing. I'd have to say it's one of the best concerts I've been to.
TV Favorite TV shows currently are: Grey's Anatomy, CSI, Medium, Lost, NCIS, House, and Law & Order.
Some Other Things Let's see, what else do I like....Janeane Garofalo, art (specifically Edward Hopper and Andy Warhol), and medieval history. I LOVE HOWARD STERN!!!! :)
Top 10 MOVIES
Top 10 CDS
Here's a variation of 10 CDs... Top 10 "PAGAN" CDs
1. Back to the Future I
2. Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade
3. Identity
4. Ghostbusters I
5. The Sixth Sense
6. Election
7. Robin Hood: Prince of Theives
8. Philadelphia
9. Boys Don't Cry
10.Brokeback Mountain
Here is a list of 10 CDs I personally could not live without.
1. U2 "Greatest Hits 1980-199"
2. David Gray "White Ladder"
3. Tori Amos "Little Earthquakes"
4. Ani Difranco "Not a Pretty Girl"
5. Sarah Brightman "Eden"
6. Kate Bush "Hounds of Love"
7. Sarah McLachlan "Solace"
8. Smashing Pumpkins "Adore"
9. Delerium "Karma"
10. Massive Attack "Mezzanine"
Here is a list of CDs I consider spiritual, pagan in nature, earth-inspired music. Hopefully you all will check out some of these CDs. I know many of them have helped me in meditations and rituals.
1. Pilgrimage "9 Songs of Ecstasy"
2. Enigma "The Cross of Changes"
3. Enigma "The Screen Behind the Mirror"
4. Loreena McKennitt "The Visit"
5. Delerium "Semantic Spaces"
6. Ceredwen "Legends of the Celts"
7. David and Steve Gordon "Sacred Earth Drums"
8. Celtic Voices "Women of Song"
9. Enya "Shepherd Moons"
10. Enigma "MCMXC a.D"
