This is Kylie. Kylie is This. Is This Kylie? Kylie This is.|
This is Kylie. Kylie is This. Is This Kylie? Kylie This is. |
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There's still a clamour for an Australian Republic. Fuck that. Keep the monarchy but install Kylie Minogue as our first Australian Queen of Australia. QUEEN KYLIE. It even SOUNDS right. Every Friday and Saturday night would be guaranteed filled with music. All participants in our major sporting events would HAVE to wear hotpants and sequins. (Think Matthew Lloyd in Kylie's corset from the Sydney Olympics with those gold Spinning Around package-flashers. Whoa.) I've done some research. Only a minimum amount of change is necessary. Firstly, Kylie will wear a crown. I have illustrated this below. As you can see, the change requires only a minimal disturbance to the status quo.   BEFORE CORONATION & AFTER CORONATION Pick the difference No sensible person can say that the changeover from monarchy to K-monarchy would be a major problem. Secondly, any references to the Crown or the Queen in the Constitution can easily and painlessly be changed to 'Her Majesty For Ever and Ever, Kylie, the Divine Miss K'. As evidenced by, for example, the following passage: [S 61] The executive power of the Commonwealth is vested in Her Majesty For Ever and Ever, Kylie, the Divine Miss K, and is exercisable by the Governor-General as Her Majesty For Ever and Ever, Kylie, the Divine Miss K's representative, and extends to the execution and maintenance of this Constitution, and of the laws of the Commonwealth. And so Kylie can be Queen but similarly excused from actually doing anything. This leaves her free to sing, and dance, and things will be as they should be. But what if a foreign power tries to steal our Queen? With such a valuable lady at the top, smaller and less fabulous nations, including Mongolia, Libya, Peru, and the USA, may try to invade and grope Kylie's amazing rear. Yeah, Georgie W Bush and Muamar Gaddhafi, I can see your thievin' eyes from here. The answer lies in making lots and lots of people into carbon copies of Kylie. So we will have a Royal Academy of Kyliefication where hesitant young men and women will, after four years of intensive study and plastic surgery, graduate as a Genuine Kylie Impersonator, or GKI. These GKIs will be distributed across Australia and the world, so that NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW which one is the real one, which will be a closely guarded national secret. The GKIs will mean that anyone wanting to Kylienap our Kylie will be forced to kidnap THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of GKIs to be sure to get the right one, which is of course impossible. The K-monarchy of the Commonwealth of Australia will enjoy longevity, peace, and musicality. Long live the Queen.  It seems awful pompous to say this but all this stuff is Copyright Lachlan Turnbull 1999-2004, except for things that are copyright under individual licences. |
