Spoilers: Essence, Existence,and all the Krycek eps.
Rating: PG-13. Some bad language and disturbing scenes
Disclaimer, I don't own them, I will not profit from them. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox.
Summary: A different interpretation of Existence. Krycek's POV.
Feedback and criticism is very welcome. I 'm doing this partly to improve on my writing.
Email- [email protected]
If your screen resoultion is 800x600 or higher you can find the html version here. To print or view the whole story click here
Originally posted June 2001. Revised February 2002

PRAYING TO DIE Part 1/7

You've got to love the irony.

I've been known as many things to many people, but there's one thing everyone who has known me would agree on. I was a survivor. It was the one constant in my life. I survived prisons, tortures, and outlived men who claimed to be untouchable. So I can't help but find humor in the way I died. I was shot in the head by a man I'd tormented, with a gun that I gave him for that exact purpose.

When I look back to the events that led me to that death, I find it even more interesting that a large part of it can be attributed to a mere sentence.

"You're going to protect her."

Fox Mulder had just given me the thing he cherished most in the world, and asked for my help. As soon as the shock wore off, I wanted to kill the arrogant bastard for saying those words. If he'd given me a sliver of that kind of trust seven years earlier, how different my life could have been. I might've still had my arm. I might've even still had my soul.

He naturally assumed that I planned on betraying him the second I walked into the FBI building to be his partner. That wasn't the case. I really wanted to be able to work with Mulder, but I was far less patient back then, and far too vain. They knew that when they placed me as his partner. They knew him well enough to know how he'd treat me, and knew enough about me to know how I'd react. They knew if they flattered me, and promised me everything he couldn't give, it would only be a matter of time before I'd rush to their side.

They were right. Seven years ago I sold my soul for the truth and the chance to play hero. I'd been paying for it ever since.

Most tales, of people who sell their soul, are wrong. Make a deal with the devil, and get your life's desire fulfilled until the devil comes to collect. When he does, he takes your soul all at once and it's over. That's not how it works. You get what you are promised, but it's not what you think, and you don't get to hand over your soul right away, ending it quickly. Instead, they make you pay in installments. A few errands here, a few murders there, little by little pieces are given up, and one day you realize you're already in hell.

Now, after all that happened, he trusted me with the only thing he cared about in this world. He actually placed his Achilles heel in my lap. He handed over Scully and told me to protect her. Fuck Mulder, seven years ago you wouldn't even let me drive the car.

For a second, I considered killing her. It would've destroyed him, and a part of me really wanted to see that. Of course it would've been the last thing I saw. He'd have killed me right after.

Once I looked at her, I knew I couldn't do it. She was so frightened and so vulnerable, clutching her belly, as if she could somehow protect her unborn child by covering it. I looked at her, and the realization of what I'd almost done hit me. If I had my way, her baby would be dead. I would've taken that from her, and not for anything noble like saving the planet. I would've killed her baby because of the slim chance it would give us a more time before the inevitable occurred. Would that have been my last payment? They didn't even have to ask for it. I thought that one up all on my own.

I felt ill. I'd always taken comfort in being able to tell myself that I was not as bad as they were. It was a small comfort, but it was at least a comfort. Now, that was gone. I was thinking like them, becoming just like them, and for what? Nothing had been done to prevent colonization. Things were worse now than they'd been before, and there was no hope of stopping it. I hadn't even saved myself. It was at that moment, I made the decision to get out. I tried before, and always failed, but there was one thing I hadn't tried. I 'd thought about it, even had most of the things I needed to accomplish it, but I always chickened out. This time I'd see it through. There's only one way to get out of making payments of your soul once you'd sold it. You had to die.

I got Scully out of the building, and Agent Doggett helped her into the car with that Reyes woman. I told her to drive safely, and was sincere, even though neither of them believed me. I now wanted Scully to have that baby. Partly because I didn't want those assholes to get their way, and partly for my own salvation. If she ended up having the baby successfully, maybe I could buy a little redemption.

When they reached the gate, I thought they were screwed. I recognized the guard, and knew he wasn't human. Although I was relieved to see them get through, I couldn't understand why. If plans had changed, I was not aware of it. I started to get nervous. Maybe, they knew I had helped. One way or another, I was sure I'd find out.

I started to follow Agent Doggett inside, but my cell phone went off. The thing on the other end didn't even wait for me to say hello. As soon as I answered, it told me it would meet me at my hotel room in twenty minutes, and hung up. I always got the creeps when they did that. Years ago, I thought they were just careless. How did they know it would be me answering? The obvious answer was that they were watching, but that's not quite true. They wanted me to know they could always be watching.

"Just a little reminder Alex, we have eyes everywhere, and just in case you decide to screw us, we want you to know that we will find out and make your life hell."

It used to work. Now, I didn't care. My life already was a living hell, and soon it would be over.

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Part 2
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