 |
|
|
| The Artichoke Issue #2 written by Attmay and Arlcay |
| This is issue number two. I don�t really think that there needs to be as much of an introduction as before. Except that freshmen still beat lockers, and the fake plastic crying babies are gone. Finally. Administrators; we�re so very sorry. You do play a vital role in the functioning of this school, and you are under-appreciated... whether that�s unjustly so is not for us to determine. |
| In the picture below, see if you can find the pimp! If you find a mobster, give yourself 1 point, and if you find a pimp, give yourself 3 points. This makes for hours of fun, because you can find the pimp over and over! Challenge yourself to reach 1,000 points! |
 |
| I think that this school is getting a little too boring. Well, actually, it�s not �getting� boring. I suppose it always has been boring. And I�m not the only person who thinks that, as shown by one students response to the question �What one word best describes this school?� |
| �One word to describe this school? Uhhhh... That would have to be Valium.� -Anonymous Student |
| Bingo?! After school? Uhhh... Wait, this isn�t funny. I�m not even laughing at myself, and If I�m not laughing at my own jokes, then that means that nobody else will. I�m the lowest on the humor chain. OK, here�s a different joke. |
 |
| One day, Vinni was walking down the street, looking for some tequila, when all of a sudden, a one-legged midget named Guido jumped out of a dumpster and tried to sell him a goldfish for $1.60. Vinni said �No way! If I had a |
| buck and sixty cents, I could talk for an hour long distance with 10-10-220, and have venison tonight.� |
| get it?! Buck = Deer = Venison? You�d better get it, and think it�s funny, or else I�ve just wasted all the time I put into thinking that up. And that�s a lot of time. |
| We all know what he means. I�m sure he means that we need an extracurricular Bingo club to spice things up. Wouldn�t that be fun?! |
 |
| The personality determiner test. There have been a large number of personality tests floating around lately, and all of them have one thing in common. They all tell you that you are going to succeed, and that you are going to sleep with a bunch of lovely girls/handsome guys, whichever your preference. Now, we all know that in most everyone�s case, this won�t happen, and that these personality test are... yes, RIGGED TO MAKE US FEEL GOOD. So, I�ve decided to take it upon myself to write the completely truthful, down to earth, make you feel not-so-good personality test. I hope you have fun. Answer the questions in the space provided below them. 1) Pick a color. Any color. 2) Now look around you, take in all of the colors. Notice how infrequently yours occurs in your surroundings, and possibly reconsider. Mark as a different answer. 3) Hold up a finger. Record what finger you held up. Be COMPLETELY honest. 4) Pick a number between one and ten. 5) You're walking down an overgrown trail you come to a fork in the trail, and both ways look exactly alike. What do you do? 6) You are stranded on a small desert island with nothing except a single wish. What will that one wish be? 7) Pick your favorite animal. 8) Pick your favorite metal. 9) Choose a fruit. |
| 1-2) Pick a color. Any color. Now look around you, take in all of the colors. Notice how infrequently yours occurs in your surroundings, and possibly reconsider. Mark as a different answer. Did you change you answer? If you did, you are weak minded and a complete pushover in arguments. If your color stayed the same, you can call yourself stoic, even if you don't know what that means. 3) Hold up a finger. Record what finger you held up. Be COMPLETELY honest. If you held up your thumb, you're ignorant. If you held up your pinkie, you're definitely an individual, and don't have many friends because of your eccentrics. If you held up your middle finger, you're insecure, and yeah, fuck you too. If you held up your ring finger, you have very flexible hands and wish you had a romantic life, but you don't. And if you held up your index finger, you are an unimaginative conformist. 4) Pick a number between one and ten. If you picked either a 3 or a 7, you are not suspicious by nature. If you picked a different number, merely to avoid those two, you are over-suspicious. If you picked a different number, purely out of innocence, you need to get a better social life. 5) You're walking down an overgrown trail. You come to a fork in the trail, and both ways look exactly alike. What do you do? If you go left, you have a sense of adventure, and you are probably right handed. If you go right, it is almost as if you are trying to go back in toward a center. From the center, you can look in all directions instead of traveling all directions. You are an insecure pacifist. That, or else you are a left handed vegetarian. If you would take the fork in the road, that is very clever of you, but you have a VERY BAD SENSE OF HUMOR. If you turned around and walked back the way you came, you have a way of avoiding conflicts. 6) You are stranded on a small desert island with nothing except a single wish. What will that one wish be? If you wished for a member of the opposite sex, you are a person who lives for the moment. Literally. If you wished to be off the island, plain and simple, you are plain and simple. If you wished for something extremely extravagant, like for the island to suddenly turn into a Disney World filled with Playboy Bunnies, you're spoiled. If you wished for more wishes, you have the right attitude for success in this world. If you asked for something like a book, or a watermelon, or an umbrella, you're stupid. 7) Pick your favorite animal. If you picked something cute, like a chipmunk, or a squirrel, you are prone to sudden attitude changes and mood swings. Just like how they're prone to rabies. If you picked a reptile or an amphibian, your parents probably got you one when you were younger. Otherwise, there is no reason to like them. You have an imprintable mind. If you picked something like a deer or a horse, you can be sure that you're a girl. If you picked something exotic like a kiwi or a lemur or a platypus, that does not make you exotic. You try to sound sophisticated and fail. If you picked something generic, like a cat or a dog, you have one at home that you are deeply attached to. You are easily influenced. If you picked something downright stupid, like Aliens from Andromeda, or syphilis, you are an antisocial person. 8) Pick your favorite metal. If you picked gold, you are a person who doesn't waste time. Unlike those of you who chose different expensive metals that are harder to spell, such as platinum or iridium. If you chose silver, you have a problem with daydreaming, and might become a nun. If you are a guy and you chose silver, you are going to gamble all of your silver away and become a bum. If you picked a normal metal like copper or aluminum, you are levelheaded. If you chose steel, you are the kind of person who watches WWF wrestling and monster truck destruction derbies. If you chose something stupid, again, like plutonium or californium... forget it. 9) Choose a fruit. If you chose a tropical fruit, like a mango or pineapple, you are an inquisitive person. If you chose something generic, like an orange or an apple, you need to relax the mental sphincter. Try thinking of the most delectable fruit in the world. Not the one that you have to end up eating every day for lunch. Too late to change your answer though. You have a constipated mind. If you chose something exotic, which is probably tropical as well, such as breadfruit or pomegranate, put "with too much time on their hands" next to inquisitive. |
| Meet the rest of the exchange students! You�ve already seen the students who are good-looking, popular and photogenic (except for Nils) in �certain other publications�, but there are a few that didn�t make the cut. For your entertainment we present them now... |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Raul Casablanca Plague City, Lepperguay �Armadillos are so tasty here! They aren�t all purple and lumpy like back home� |
| Diane Roostinopolous Citchenfire, Greece �The boys are different here... I can�t quite tell why...� |
| Posch Cellulite jr. esq. IV Fancy, Luxembourg �I�ve always wanted to meet this �Burger King� of yours, is he from Hamburg? |
| Skip Savagwood Lackluster, Canada �Your beer is weak, ay!� |
| Ahbveeus Toup� Ransom, Colombia �Too many cops, hard on business.� |
| G�shnarkle Zoomtide Zenon 7 �(Zenon 7 jargon that can't be displayed. Sorry)� |
| Nils talks back, Baby. After seeing his picture in �certain other publications� Nils didn�t want everybody to think he really looked like an amphetamine crazed Studebaker hood ornament with a cataract in his left eye. The Artichoke, being of the opinion that everyone deserves a second chance, (and that technically, accepting a bribe is morally sound,) has allowed Nils the opportunity to post a new picture of himself in a section of the paper we like to call �The roots of the Artichoke� which is also sometimes referred to as �The butt of the artichoke�. We present to you the real Nils! |
| Watch for more editions of the artichoke! Another issue might come out within a couple of weeks. Send any hate mail, or even positive mail to [email protected]. We might even look at it! And if it�s especially interesting, or if it�s hate mail, we might even respond to it! |
| Nils K�hl |
 |
 |