1

The Artichoke
issue #1
written by 13att and 3arl

The starchy and antiseptic quality of this school is disgusting. So we�re doing something about it, without blowing up toilets and turning floor one into the swimming pool from hell. That�s just too hard on the Janitors. They work hard enough already. We�re writing a newsletter, or newspaper, that should come out on an irregular basis, if ever again. Because there�s only two of us, it�s self edited, and that�s really great, because it means that it�s not really edited at all. Because we�re not in any way connected to the school, we don�t have to follow any of it�s rules. Until, of course, admin hunts us down, and as scary as that sounds, it�s unlikely that they�ll be able to find us, because of our cleverly encrypted names. The name of this paper is �The Artichoke�. It is blatantly ripping off �The Onion� but that�s OK, because we don�t care. This paper is supposed to be serious. We tackle important issues within these pages, and we like to believe that any humor you perceive is just our charming, witty dispositions shining through. Usually in this paper you will find a quiz. Please, don�t take the quiz too seriously, or anything in this paper for that matter, because if you do, and you�re a conservative with a high strung bad attitude, your brain might pop, making it smaller than the prune it already is. You�ll turn into a vegetable, and then we�ll get blamed, and someone smart enough to decode 13att and 3arl will come looking for us, and ruin our respective days.

To kick this paper off on it�s maiden voyage, we have a game. The word scramble. Now, this is a real word. We�d never be so low as to just put down a bunch of random letters. The answer is on the back of the paper somewhere.

corchepsepnola

There�re lots of really annoying things about this school. The two main ones are fake plastic babies that cry, and freshmen who kick lockers. As one student quoted,

�I hate those fake plastic whining babies. I hate them so much, I almost wish I were taking home-ec so that I could have one. Then I�d name it Evil Knievel and throw it off the tallest thing I could find.�
-Anonymous Student

Some of the lamer freshmen in this school have learned that they can get attention if they beat on lockers like chimps. Actually, no, they can�t get attention. But they sure try hard, the only way they know how. Whenever you walk down the halls you see these freshmen beating on lockers, then looking over their shoulders with big grins to see if any girls are watching. They aren�t. Want to know why? Because locker beating isn�t a turn-on for girls. Actually, girls don�t like freshmen boys under almost any circumstance. But guys, don�t let that get you down or anything. It�s just the truth. Nobody likes freshmen boys, except maybe big guys named Bubba who just made bail after ten years in the pen for child molestation. Unless, of course, you have the right answers to this quiz.

How to be a cool freshman (boy)

1) When you talk with girls, you:
A) Stutter.
B) Talk like a gangsta.
C) Swear every other word.
D) Pretend you�re Elvis.
E) A and C.

2)   Your idea of fun is:
A) Pretending you�re good at soccer.
B) Making prank calls.
C) Jose Cuervo behind a dumpster.
D) Kicking lockers.
E) Breaking it out at dances.

3)   What do you wear?
A) Abercrombie and Fitch.
B) Short sweat pants with elastic ankles.
C) Fake Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops.
D) Facial hair.
E) None of the above.       <= hint

4) Are you cool?
A) I�m so cool, I�m almost rad.
B) I�m so cool, if you licked me, your tongue would stick and snap off.
C) No.
D) I�m not cool, I�m hot.
E) So cool, that I�m here to chew bubble gum, and be cool, and, I�m all out of cool... wait... uhh, shit.

5) How do (would) you pick up a date?
A) With your dad driving the car.
B) Heh heh. On a unicycle. Think about it.
C) With a forklift.
D) Just twine your fingers into the fleece and lift! You can carry 'em like a briefcase!
E) Girls have cooties.

6) where would you eat?
A) A restaurant.
B) A diner.
C) A bar.
D) Breakfast at the complimentary doughnut table.
E) C, then D.

7) When asked what you�re doing in the hallways during class, you say:
A) I�ve got a pass.
B) �Batman said I�ve gotta stop the Penguin! Quick! To the Batmobile!� And run away.
C) I�m here to be cool, and bubble chew gum, and I�m out all... Damnit!
D) What are YOU doing in the hall?
E) I don�t know, I�m a freshman.

Good job! Tally your scores, and find out that you�re still a freshman. If you noticed that I didn�t tell you how to tally your scores, give yourself an extra point. You�re an extra-clever freshman.

Ask the Artichoke

Normally, if you wanted to ask a vegetable for advice and answers we'd recommend that you commit yourself to a mental institution. But for the purposes of this column we'll recommend taking all your problems to vegetables.

Q: What's your favorite thing in the world?

C: T and A
M: Playboy Bunnies feeding me raspberry bismarcks, in a Jacuzzi, after winning the lotto, etc. etc... yeah, I�d know from experience.

Q: Is it true that you think Abercrombie and Fitch is lame?

C: Absolutely not! What an absurd thing to say. I think Abercrombie is beyond lame. It sucks. People who worship it suck. In fact I dislike it so much I have released a squad of specially trained weasels into your house that are trained to lodge themselves in your toilets, thereby flooding your entire house with poo and soggy fur.
M: Yeah. The worst part about it is how they make the paint look old. Why do you need to buy a new shirt, just to have it look old? Why don�t you spend 20 times less money, and buy a real old shirt at salvation army? Oh, oh, and here�s something else. They used to sell safari clothes, right? It�s gone from American-made clothes for African expeditions, to African-made clothes for American exhibition. That sure is a positive turnaround if I�ve ever seen one.

Q: That's not nice.

C: Shut up, next question.
M: So?

Q: Dear Artichoke. I have a huge problem. I think my boyfriend Jarred is getting bored with me. We've been dating since freshman year but lately I've had a lot of work to do, and he's been really busy with his job. We never see each other anymore and I think that he's starting to see someone else. I love this man, more than anything, and I cant help but feel that this is all my fault. If I hadn't taken on so many classes none of this would have happened and we would still be in love! what can I do to get him back?! How can I make him see how much I love him and that I want to spend my life with him?!! What can I do?!!!

C: Dump him.
M: Well, that�s simple! drop a few classes, a few pieces of clothes, a few pounds, and you�ll be able to compete with the other girl!

Use the space below to write your own problem! Then get it to us somehow, and we�ll be able to call REAL people stupid, which is a lot more fun.

The page of fun and games!

The labyrinth!

Find your way to the center to achieve tranquility and peace of mind. If that's not what you want, then you can trace this just to get your classes to go by faster. If you get tricked and end up at a dead end, then you can trace it backwards from the center. Those dead ends can be really tricky.

Go back and try that word scramble from page one! I can guarantee that it�s a ton of fun!

ARE YOU READY for college astrophysics and stellar astronomy?

If you think you are, then this shouldn�t be a problem for you. Why don�t you figure out what the result of this integration is. Feel free to use the space below as scratch paper. Have fun!

Did you get E= (3/2)kT? Or did you need to know that �The main difference between the Planckian and Maxwell-Boltzmann distributions is that the density of photons in thermodynamic equilibrium is fixed by the temperature, but the density of particles is not. Thermodynamic equilibrium at a given temperature can occur for any material density.� With that little hint, try again! Don�t ever give up.

Word Scramble answer: Did you get prosencephalon? Didn�t think so! Ha ha! I bet that was a lot more fun for me than it was for you!

Home

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws