Spoilers: Pas de Deux (If you haven't seen it, I wouldn't suggest reading this)
Note: Told from Harm’s POV. I hated this episode with every fiber of my being. I’m writing this to try to justify Harm’s actions in this ep. I thought everything about his storyline was awful, and if it’s not redeemed in the next episode, or at least by the beginning of next season, that may be all for me folks. That’s how disgusted I am. Take this for what it is, a desperate attempt to hold on to some kind of hope for this show. Before anyone asks, I have no idea if I’m going to continue this one. I just felt like writing this little something. We’ll see how I feel after the season finale.
"Double bourbon," I tell the bartender as I sit down heavily at the bar.
As he sits the glass down in front of me, I hesitate only a moment before picking it up and downing it in one long gulp. Liquid fire shoots down my throat. It feels good, damn good. Kind of helps to counteract the fact that I feel like shit. "Give me another," I say, scooting the empty glass back toward the bartender.
I have no idea why I walked over here after getting home from the hospital. I’ve never been to this little hole in the wall dive before and never had any desire to. I just couldn’t go home yet. I couldn’t face the walls closing in on me again. Especially after everything that’s happened tonight.
I mean really, what the hell was I thinking? My God damn hero complex strikes again. Catherine Gale. The fair damsel in distress. I repeated wedding vows to this woman. I don’t even know her! I don’t care if it was Bud and the vows were for some same sex couple in Denmark, I went through with it. I lied to a dying woman who miraculously isn’t dying anymore. Wonder when this one is going to come back to bite me in the ass. Probably sooner than I think.
I pick up my new drink and down this one as well.
The man behind the counter must realize I’m on a mission, because out of nowhere a full glass appears. Smart man. I have every intention of drinking until I can drive away this hollow, empty ache I have inside. If nothing else maybe I’ll be able to get drunk enough to keep the nightmares away when I finally do go home.
The ugly truth is, she was right this afternoon at lunch. I was prepared to do whatever I had to do to get that information from her, including seduce her. I feel like such an asshole. What kind of human being does that make me? I was almost glad when she slapped the truth in my face and told me it wouldn’t work. But then...
I don’t know it was like things...changed. I couldn’t just abandon her, could I? That’s it, Rabb. You keep telling yourself that. That’s all I’ve been doing to myself all evening, trying to justify this...farce tonight. Trying to justify why I went along with it, why I compromised my morals, why I kissed her.
All at once the bile rises in the back of my throat. I kissed her. I kissed her and enjoyed it. Okay, so for a split second my mind wandered and I was able to imagine it wasn’t Catherine in my arms but Mac. But all too soon reality reared its ugly head. It wasn’t Mac in my arms. It was another woman. I was kissing a woman I barely know. Amazing how that fact, in hind sight, really bothers me now when it didn’t seem to then.
There was another split second that I let myself enjoy kissing her. I haven’t kissed anyone in a while. I got carried away. Now I have to live with my guilty conscience.
Another drink.
I had made a promise to myself after Mic and Renee left, an unspoken promise to Mac, that she would be the next woman I kissed. And now this. Even though I never voiced it to her I still I feel like I betrayed her. Talking about Mac to Catherine after it was all over I think she understands how I feel, but I really didn’t say it out loud. I also told Catherine I’d call her tomorrow to see how her mother was doing.
And that’s when I saw it. That look. She looked up at me with those big eyes, full of...hope. She might know how I feel about Mac but I don’t think it would take too much persuasion on my part to get Catherine to start something if I wanted it.
Just one more and I swear I’ll quit.
And in another life maybe I could start something. While I was there, with her, it was hard to think straight. But here, alone with my bourbon, some things are very clear. My overactive hormones aside, the striking truth is it all comes down to Mac. It always has. She’s the one who haunts me. She’s the one who occupies my dreams. She’s the main reason I get up in the morning, even when I was waking up next to someone else.
The thought that she’s more important to me than the very air I breathe scares the hell out of me. She’s a part of me. That’s why I can’t shake the feeling that something is different about this assignment. It just feels...wrong somehow.
The dread grows more every day. The fear that she walked out of my life for the last time that night at my apartment. That she could die and never really know how I felt because I never had the courage to tell her, to show her.
The fear that Webb’s mother was right, that Clayton Webb does love her and that maybe she feels the same about him.
And on that note I think I deserve one more.
My life is a fucking mess and I can’t do anything about it because the one person I need to make everything right is gone.
My cell phone rings, echoing loudly in my ears. On second thought I think I’m done.
"Yeah, Rabb," I slur.
"Harm?"
This is just fabulous. It would have to be the Admiral. "Yes, Sir."
"What are you doing?" he asks, suspicious.
"Drinking, Sir," I tell him straight out.
"Great. This is all I need. How much?" I can almost see him pinching the bridge of his nose.
"As much as they’ll let me," I reply. "It’s been a bitch of a day." Christ, did I just say that to my C.O.?
There’s a long pause, as if he’s trying to choose his words carefully. This is not good. "Well, it’s about to get worse. Harm...I need to see you at JAG."
"Sir, is it...?" I can barely speak over the lump that is lodged in my throat.
"Just...just get here, Harm."
The bottom has fallen out of my world. It’s about her. I know it is.
The End.