"Fly"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ain’t no talking to this man
Ain’t no pretty other side
Ain’t no way to understand stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat
And I’ve already tried all that
I’m gonna let him fly...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is so wrong, but I needed to feel. I needed to feel him and I do. Every touch, every caress, every thrust of his body into mine moves me. Moves me to tears; makes my heart soar...but when this is over, then what?
We were both hurting, and I try to tell myself that this was a natural reaction to our grief, that the desperation we both felt had to manifest itself in some way. I just never thought this was how it would be the first time we made love; onboard a carrier, after receiving the devastating news about our friend. After everything that’s happened between us, all of the hateful, hurtful words, all of our misguided sense of duty...it all came down to this.
No, it’s not natural, but at least it was honest. We walked back to his quarters, stunned and emotionally drained, and when the door softly clicked behind us...I could feel it. I could feel him tremble with his need as he pulled me into his arms. No flowery words, no declarations of undying love. But standing there, clinging to each other, I knew no matter what came next, our lives, our relationship, had changed forever.
When I felt his lips on my neck, heard him raggedly whisper "Please, Mac," into my ear, I knew that I could never deny him, deny myself what we both so desperately needed. I let him touch me, his hands moving over my body with lightning speed to remove the barriers between us. But even as the physical barriers were coming down, the emotional barriers were being built...at least for me.
Making love to him was beyond anything that I had expected...but also some things I didn’t. I didn’t expect to hurt this much when it was over. Damn it why do I have to love him this much? And why won’t this ache inside me, just for him, go away?
How many times have I been here, right in this same emotional place, and felt this ache? Too many, that’s for damn sure. And he’s still here, with me. Even though he’s never really left me, even when I ran to someone else, I still feel like pushing him away. I know it’s because I’m so damn scared that I’m gonna lose him. It’s only a matter of time before something happens to him.
How many more have to feel like they’re dead or have to die before it finally sinks in that it really is me; that it’s because they tried to get too close to me? And of course I guess we can chalk another one up on the long list of Mackenzie tragedies.
God, I’m so sorry, Bud.
And now this...
Some may say that I’m overreacting, that Bud’s accident has nothing to do with me. But I know the truth. Harm’s words echo through my mind...every man that’s ever been involved in some way in my life...dead or feels like they are. And it really is true. I’ve put them all through it. Between my bad decisions and mistakes every man I’ve ever let close I’ve let down...and now this...
In trying to comfort one another as best we can, all I can think about is how much the man next to me means to me. We’ve tried so many times to speak the words, and it never seems to be the right time. So, we quit trying and just decided to let whatever happens happen.
We laugh together and joke together. We eat together more now and spend time just...being. Sometimes when I catch him looking at me in that special way, I know there is still so much he wants to say, but he just can’t. I know, because I feel the same way. We risk our lives, lay it all on the line, but we still remain silent. Now we have this new dimension to add to everything else.
And as I lay here, holding Harm in my arms, I know what I have to do.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
You can’t recall just where or why
So, there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said, I’m gonna let him fly...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I’ve watched Harm these past few months, the daily grind taking it’s toll on him. He feels helpless in an office, as we all do, in the middle of this war. We all feel we should be doing more. But even through the mundane, day to day, the world seems to be spinning at a rapid rate, and we’re all just trying to catch our breath. He’s lost some of the fire that he once had. He’s said that everything was fine, and he’s still a force to be reckoned with in the court room, but I could tell in just the few weeks we’ve been over here that this is what he needs.
When he flew that last mission, as scared as I was for him, I saw a light in his eyes that I haven’t seen in quite a while. I saw him fly...
I don’t want him to be here, away from JAG, away from me, but I can’t shake the feeling that this is where he belongs. Right here with the action; right here in the heat of the battle. My fear and my love for him are waging their own war inside of my heart, knowing that this is where his heart has always really been.
If he decided to go...could I really make it without him?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There’s no mercy in our world
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are given
There’s no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You talk before it moves away
But you must always know how long to stay
And when to go
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It’s been so long since I’ve felt this fire, that raging need that I’ve always known only he could inspire. I feel him stroking the skin along my spine, and goose bumps begin peppering me all over my body as his lips find mine in a hungry kiss.
I expected this from him, this barely suppressed passion, and I have accepted whatever this is between us. If all I ever have is this one night, this one day with him...Oh, God, who am I kidding? Would I ever be strong enough to walk away?
I look up at him and for a split second I see it all there in his eyes. He’s letting me in. I try to speak, to tell him everything, but he silences me with a kiss. When I look at him again he gives a slight shake of his head no but doesn’t stop the motion of our bodies. No words. Just letting go...and in that instant I know that he has. And he let go with me...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ain’t no talking to this man
He’s been tryin’ to tell me so
It took awhile to understand
The beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat
And I already tried all that
I’m gonna let him fly...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happens to us, I know that I’ll always love Harmon Rabb. If it really is meant to be...he’ll always fly back to me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I’m gonna let him fly, fly
I’m gonna let him fly, fly
I’m gonna let him fly...
The End...for now.