| The WB Chooses Its Fall Line-Up By Wwolfe |
| Disclaimer: This is (obviously) satire, and as such is clearly protected by the First Amendment, as determined by a number of landmark court cases. So nyah, nyah, nyah. Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. ******************* (A high-ceilinged, oak-paneled conference room, full of the hush of great wealth and the panic of show biz. The doors open and in walks the head of the WB, Jamie Kellner, who addresses the high ranking WB brass seated around the table.) Kellner: Ladies and gentlemen, today we must finalize our decisions for the fall line-up. Let's get to it. First, our easiest choice. Everyone say this with me... Everyone: CANCEL "FELICITY!!!!" Kellner: Right. Now down to the real work. Monday night - what do we have? Daffy Duck: That's "Seventh heaven," boss. Kellner: Cash cow! Cash cow, baby! I love it. Daffy Duck: Yes, sir. Kellner: But we gotta keep it fresh. I'm thinking - new baby! Daffy Duck: I think we did that last year, boss. Kellner: OK, new twist. They find it in a basket of reeds. (General murmurs of approval from the throng.) OK, Tuesday. Tweety Bird: "Buffy" and "Angel," boss. Kellner: Tired of 'em. Cancel 'em! Don't need 'em! Blah! Yuck! Pffft! Tweety Bird: Uh, boss, with all due respect, they were our second ranked shows this year. I don't think we can afford to cancel them. Kellner: Tweety, I see your lips movin', but you're just not makin' sense. Tweety Bird: They're both going to run in syndication forever, boss. We'll make a fortune from them. Kellner: I'm tryin' to be patient here, Tweety, but you gotta cut to the chase, baby. If there's a point, get to it. Tweety Bird: Money! They make money! Kellner: You're talkin' gibberish, Tweety. Make me mad and I'll squash you, you little yellow freak. Tweety Bird: OK, how about this. Based on "Buffy" and "Angel," Entertainment Weekly called you the hippest young executive in TV. Kellner: Like I say, Joss is God! Jack up the promo juice, baby! (Turning serious.) Now before I forget - sure, I'm hip, I'm young, but I'm a giver, too. So let's remember, this is a Presidential Election year. We need to come up with a pointless yet attention-grabbing gesture that will show how concerned we are about the youth of America, without costing us anything. Ideas? Sylvester: We could cancel "Dawson's Creek." Kellner: No way! Big story arc this year. Capeside is menaced by the growing threat posed by James Van der Beek's forehead. (Snaps his finger.) Show the slides! (The lights dim as we see a slide of Van der Beek's forehead.) OK, this first shot is a slide of The Forehead in the show's first season. Large - unusually large, even. But not yet dangerous. Next! (The slide changes.) Here we see The Forehead as it currently appears. Clearly, it has returned to its wild, even primitive state. Campers in the forest have been threatened and several household pets have vanished. Moreover, careful examination by WB scientists has determined that The Forehead has actually grown in the past few years. At its current rate of growth, it will be large enough to menace the Eastern Seaboard by the end of the decade. (Gasps from the crowd.) Foghorn Leghorn: I say, what...I say, what are we supposed to do? Kellner: Action, my large rooster friend. Action! I say we do a live broadcast for Sweeps where The Forehead is destroyed by Stealth bombers. It'll be boffo! (Cheers from the table.) This is strictly on the QT, of course. Don't tell Van der Beek's agent. Elmer Fudd: What about "Woswell," boss? Kellner: Oh, man, I don't get that show. I usually watch "Millionaire." I mean, it's like those kids are from outer space or something. Tweety Bird: Well, actually, boss... Sylvester: (Whispering to Tweety) Ixnay! Ixnay! Kellner: OK, now for the weekend. Friday night we've devoted to my big High Concept idea - a line-up of shows that were cancelled by other networks, kickin' off with "Sabrina,the Teenage Witch." Good God, I'm talented! That idea is hotter than a Malibu brushfire. Cheer me, minions! (Everyone cheers.) OK, Saturday night. I'm thinking we need one of those hot new reality shows. Something cheap and sordid, yet strangely addictive. Ideas, people! Porky Pig: How about this, boss... Bugs Bunny: Don't listen to that maroon. he thought of "Hyperion Bay." Porky Pig: Why, you... Bugs Bunny: AND "Safe Harbor"! A real genius type, this one is. Porky Pig: Why don't you go jump off a cliff! (Porky starts to rise from his seat to make a move on Bugs, but Kellner stops him.) Kellner: Wait! That smells like Teen Spirit, Pork Man! I'm talkin' proud! I'm talkin' WB proud! I'm talkin' Michigan J, Frog WB proud! Porky Pig: What, boss? Kellner: "Why Don't You Go Jump Off a Cliff"!!! It sings! I love it, you little bacon factory! Each week, we throw a person off a cliff. And it's a different cliff every week. Acapulco one week, Niagara Falls the next. God, it's brilliant. For D-Day, we could throw one person off the White Cliffs of Dover and another off the Normandy Cliffs. Wait, wait!! And we attach a little camera to their foreheads so we see the water rushing up at them! We could call it the...the...Cliff-Cam!! If we got just the right spin on the guy when we whipped him off the cliff, he'd twirl just like a top. Oh, baby. I AM a hip young executive! Porky Pig: (Hesitantly) Um, viewed in the wrong light, could someone - not me! - but someone perhaps see that as, well, murder? Kellner: Screw murder! Wait - maybe you're right. Tweety, check for countries with big cliffs that don't have extradition treaties with the United States. (Expansively) People, I believe this idea will put the WB on top. "Millionaire," "Survivor" - who needs 'em? I say, big, bloody red blobs of people smashed at the bottom of a cliff will make this network everything it should be!! Daffy Duck: Three cheers for the boss! (Cheers ring out.) Kellner: And now, to close the meeting on a festive note, three of the WB's biggest stars will perform a musical number for your listening pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, here are Keri Russell's Hair, Jennifer Lopez's Dress, and Giles' Butt!! Don't miss them in their upcoming WB movie about the Bee Gees, "The Brothers Gibb: Stayin' Alive (Except For Andy)." (The Hair, the Dress, and the Butt come out in spangly outfits, flash some tightly choreographed moves, and sing: "Oops! I did it again I picked up a show Some network let go 'Cause I'm not that competent" The crowd shakes its groove thing, while Kellner looks on satisfied.) Main Menu ~ Return to "Other Worlds" Menu |